Redeemed Love

by M. S. Brannon

  Cami whimpers as she attempts to get comfortable in the front seat of my car. The sound breaks me from my thoughts of anything other than Cami. I’m a stupid fucking idiot for not admitting my true feelings to her a long time ago. I only hope I can give her some kind of peace before I will have to face the worst years of my life in a Michigan state prison.

  After pulling into the driveway of her small, two bedroom home, I walk around to the other side of my Challenger and open the passenger door. I bend down and pull Cami into my arms. She is sore and tired, so all I want to do is comfort her and make sure she’s okay before I leave.

  I walk into the house, passing through the kitchen and living room before reaching her room where I gently place her on her bed. She is still just wearing her bra and yoga pants and her skin is still covered in dried blood. I walk to the bathroom and wet a towel, then grab some pain relievers and a glass of water, thinking of how she must have done this same routine for me so many months ago. When I return, Cami is trying to get out of her clothes but is much too sore to do anything.

  “Here, let me help you,” I say when I walk into her room.

  She sits back down on the bed and I slowly pull down her pants. I walk to her dresser and pull out a clean pair of shorts and help her get them on. Next, I drop some ibuprofen in her hand and pass over the glass of water. She downs the medication quickly as she guzzles from the glass. I then get the towel and hold it up, and she slowly lies down and rolls to her side. As gently as possible, I begin to clean her skin. I wipe away as best as I can the blood from her body. When Cami flinches at first then lets out a little giggle, the noise surprises me considering all the shit we’ve been through today.

  “What’s so funny?” I ask out of curiosity.

  “This. What you’re doing. The last time we were in this room together—well, in my house together—you were washing blood off me then, too. But it was because of a very different reason.” She giggles again and then tears start to bubble in her eyes.

  I recall the memory like it was yesterday. It was the night I first had sex with Cami, and she was smeared in blood from my knife wound. When I think about it, I have to wonder how she didn’t get scared. I was my alter ego and was trying to possess her with my body, getting a sick enjoyment of seeing my blood on her skin.

  I don’t say anything because there’s nothing to say. The fact remains that our time once again will be brief. Once I give Matt the money and kill Carter, I will spend the next God knows how many years locked in a cell. It’s the punishment I deserve for all the pain and hell I’ve caused my family and Cami.

  It doesn’t take long for her to go to sleep, and it isn’t until I feel the vibration of my phone that I snap back to reality—Presley’s death. I have to go home and deal with the sadness my family is absorbed in. I will be forced to face the hell I’ve been living for the last two years when I look into the eyes of my brother and watch him grieve her death. With everything that happened since I left, I completely forgot what happened at home. I have to go there and face it, but first, I need to get the money from the garage and get it to Matt.

  When I arrive home, no one is there, so I pull the Challenger in the garage and shut the door. Exiting my car, I immediately go to the stereo, blasting Stone Sour. I don’t forget Matt’s words. No matter what, someone will be listening and watching. I can’t take any chances.

  Taking the opportunity, I quickly get to work. I climb up in the rafters of the garage and pull down four large duffle bags. Then I move to the safe hidden in the garage floor. Punching the code, I open it and take out the meager, five thousand Jake and I saved from our hustling gigs. Shortly after I got started in the drug game, I yanked out the small safe and replaced it with a deeper one. It took some time, but Ronnie and I were able to get it installed before anyone was the wiser. The safe was equipped with a false bottom, and when I remove the steel, my fortune is tucked in its depths.

  I push Jake’s money aside and start pulling out bundles of cash. Each one is labeled with its dollar amount and wrapped precisely. I don’t think about anything; I only pull out the cash and fill the bag. When one bag is full, I put it in the car and open up a new bag. I keep filling up all the duffle bags until they are filled. I continue to stay in this robot mode, still living as my alter ego until only a small amount of money remains. My mind’s state is in a very peculiar place and it’s one I cannot describe. Perhaps I am losing my mind. Someone with serious mental issues could only be responsible for the horror I’ve done.

  The stereo is suddenly turned down and I know I’ve been caught. I only hope it’s Jake and not Reggie. It’s going to be hard enough to explain this to Jake, but Reggie… The thought is nearly impossible. I pop up from the floor and march over to Jake standing next to the stereo then crank the music back up.

  “What the fu—” I cover his mouth and smash Jake into the wall of the garage. He’s fighting me, ready to slug me in the face, when he suddenly stops. I don’t say anything. I’m not sure what to say that won’t jeopardize his safety or anyone else’s.

  I’m not sure if the Rykers are listening in my garage. I don’t know how far Matt’s reach really is, so I’m not taking a chance. Not when it comes to my family. I’ve already fucked up enough.

  After several moments, I lower my hand from his mouth. I warn him. I don’t say a word; I only place my finger in front of my lips until he gets the point that I want him to be quiet. His eyes are worried, more than I’ve ever seen before, and I am the cause of that. I am the cause of all my family’s pain right now, but hopefully, I will exonerate myself when I get sent to prison. Hopefully, the time away will make them realize I was only trying to do this for them. It just got so far away from me I’ll never be able to recover it.

  Once I’m sure Jake is listening and won’t be running his big mouth, I move in close and whisper just loud enough for him to hear me. “Don’t. Talk. Just listen to me then walk away. Do you got it, brother?” Jake nods in agreement, but the look of utter horror is written all over his face. I know my brother like no one else, and I can tell he’s scared shitless. “Shit is going to get really bad, really fast. I almost guarantee it will. The money…” I don’t really know the right words to say. I’m not sure how to address this situation. However, I’m not ready to spill my guts, so I say the only thing I can think of. “It’s all we have left.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about? Jeremy, you’re making no sense.” Jake is confused, just as I want him to be. I don’t want him to know what I’m really doing, so I keep my comments random and baffling enough to let him get the wrong idea.

  “They’re going to come for it. In a few days, in a week, maybe in a month… I’m not sure. I don’t know, but they’re going to come for it, and I have to get it out of here.”

  I abandon him and bend down to the floor, trying to get this job finished so I can get on with the other demands. But, Jake being Jake, tries to put up a fight. He yanks on my arm and I stand to my feet.

  “What are you talking about? Who’s going to come?” He is looking at me from head to toe and I’m sure it looks like I’ve done something really, really bad. My clothes are covered in dried mud and my face is torn up from Tank and Victor.

  I need to get out of here. I can’t be here any longer. It’s too much of a risk. I need to disappear.

  I say something confusing once again and try to lead Jake in the wrong direction, away from anything he thinks I’ve done or am doing. “Once they find Carter, they’ll come and take all of this away.” I bend back down and start shuffling the money from the safe. It’s deep. A few thousand are all that’s left.

  “What did you do?” he whispers in astonishment.

  His mere question sends me into a blind rage. I’ve never been accused by my family and I know I’ve done some bad shit, however for some reason, Jake questioning me sends fury throughout my body.

  As I stand and meet my brother’s eyes, I am fully transformed into my beastly alter ego and
I want to kill him. I want to kill my own brother. The very thought enrages me.

  With a low, menacing tone, I respond, “I’ve only done what I had to do to protect our family. To give us a fucking future out of this damn town.” I bend down. Now I don’t give a fuck what he sees. I know that, if I don’t get this money and get out of this garage, I will do something vicious to my brother.

  When I squat back to the safe then start filling the last duffle bag on the floor with money, Jake kneels beside me. Damn, this fucker is relentless.

  “Where did all this money come from?” I ignore him and keep my mind trained on filling the bags. “Jer—”

  Finally, I look into his eyes and see the brother I’ve grown up with. He’s the one person who has been on my side from the moment we were born. He’s the brother who was willing to take our mother’s beatings so Drake or I didn’t have to suffer. He was once the protector of me, and until recently, I thought I was going to be the protector of him, but that’s no longer true. I will only prove to Jake that I’m a fuck up and a worthless person to love.

  I take in his face and memorize every detail of it, then I beg, “As soon as they find Carter, you’ll know exactly where this money came from. No more questions, please.” I zip the bag and toss it into the Challenger.

  When I get in the driver’s seat, I fire the car to life. Jake quickly moves to the passenger side, trying with all his strength to get in the Challenger. “Open the fucking door, Jeremy!”

  I ignore him as I back down the driveway to go settle the first of three obligations to gain mine and Cami’s freedom.

  I’ve spent the last two weeks holed up in my bed. I’ve missed several classes and I won’t be able to make up my work. The instructor’s very strict about attendance and will not tolerate absences, so I am going to be forced to retake the semester, but I really don’t care since I can sense my time with Jeremy will be shorter than I originally thought.

  I lie in bed and pray he will be safe. I pray to God every night and ask that Jeremy will be watched over while he does his stint in prison. I want this life to be over, not just for myself, but for him, too. I can tell since meeting him, the weight of what he’s doing is taking a toll on his sanity.

  I wonder if he’s struggling because of his family. Do they know? Or is he trying to do all of this behind their backs? I’ve never pressed him for answers, thinking Jeremy will eventually tell me, but our time is running out. He will soon be going to prison and our lives will change forever.

  Jeremy has been in and out of my place, spending a couple of hours here and there to sleep before he goes back out to find Carter. He’s like a madman these days. He doesn’t really speak and barely looks at me. The only thing consuming him is finding Carter and killing him. That is all he cares about, and until Carter is dead, I don’t think I will ever get any real part of Jeremy back.

  Other than Jeremy’s situation, I think about my “father” and what he told me. How could I not know this? Why didn’t I pick up on all his signs about me really being his daughter? He’s always been protective, but that isn’t odd behavior—especially after I lost everyone. However, after the man I thought was my father died, Matt became more affectionate. Hugging me, kissing the top of my head, and telling me he loves me. As a young girl, I was comforted by his tenderness. But now, I understand why he was doing that. He was trying to make up for all of the time he lost.

  It does anger me that I was kept in the dark about all of this, but if what my uncle says is true, then he lost everything when my mother chose not to wait for him. He sacrificed himself in prison, doing and putting up with God knows what, only to find out the woman he loved and his daughter were gone. The pain was probably great, and probably still is.

  However, it doesn’t erase the fact I am angry with everyone. I’m angry with Matt, my mother, my perceived father, and anyone else who knew about this and didn’t bother to tell me. I mean, I’ve been going around all this time—twenty-two years—with the perception that my real dad was Matt’s brother.

  I realize that lying in bed and allowing my mind to stew in anger is only making matters worse, though. I rub my hands over my face and release a deep breath. I’m not going to deal with this crap right now. It’s times like this I really miss getting high. There was a time I’d smoke just to get my brain to shut out the thoughts, but I gave that up and I will not go back. I’m better than that. I’m better than this life.

  Therefore, I get up and move to the shower instead, taking my time, letting the hot water clean my body as I slowly start coming back to life. I wash my hair and body and even shave. The water feels good, and my body is rejuvenated from just a simple shower. I am ready to become human again.

  My stitches are still sore, but I’m able to move without being in too much pain. The bruises are long gone and the only marks that remain are the fresh scar on my side and the vivid images in my head.

  I have never been in danger like that. When I looked into Carter’s eyes, they were golden pits of hell. Satan lives inside of him and I was terrified.

  I have bad nightmares, but I’m trying to move on. Nightmares aside, I will probably stay indoors as much as possible until Carter is caught.

  When I move to get out of the shower, Jeremy is standing on the other side of the curtain. I stop myself from shutting off the water and look into his eyes. He’s broken and tired, completely overcome with something. His eyes don’t lie to me, so I always know when something is wrong once I get a good look at his brown irises. There’s nothing I can do except be there for him.

  He says nothing as he shifts me to the side so he can get under the water. With his back to me, Jeremy bends down and tucks his head under the stream. He’s as motionless as a statue, and I can’t help wondering what’s going through his mind. I know he’ll talk when he’s ready, though; so all I can do is let him know that I will be there for him when the time comes.

  I run my hands up his back, feeling the stress across his taut muscles. The pads of my fingers gently massage into his back and its then I really take notice of Jeremy’s skin. I’ve always been too distracted by his fine, muscular physique to see anything else. Now that I’m looking, what I’m seeing is tragic. His back is covered in scars. Most of them look old, yet some are recent. He’s had a painful life from the look of his back, and it seems to have always been that way. All that he’s ever known is pain.

  I move myself closer and place my lips to the largest scar on his back. I hold them there as I wrap my arms around his waist, hugging him tightly against my body. I then lift my lips and start kissing all of his scars. Some are long and jagged; others are small, little cuts. Some are fleshy pink while others are white and so faint they practically blend in with his skin. I pay close attention to each one, giving them all the same amount of time and love.

  As I’m standing in the shower, holding this broken man in my arms, I call upon someone higher to give him strength again. My favorite passage from the niv Bible comes into mind. It’s the very bible I received the day of my first communion and the verse is highlighted on the pages. It is one I recite to myself as a reminder of why I have faith. Whenever I am struggling with my inner self, I take the time to recall why I believe in the first place.

  In the softest tone, I say, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Then I place another kiss to his back and the impossibly hard and ruthless Jeremy Evans finally cracks.

  It’s all unraveling around me. My life is in a tailspin, forcing me downward faster than I can get myself back up. After Presley’s funeral, I’ve been tormented with the conversation Drake and I shared. He was passed out in the garage and I stayed with him. I only stared at his sleeping body, wondering how I am ever going to explain to him how I am responsible for Presley’s death.

  I should have saved her. I should have found Carter and killed him. Then he wouldn’t be mourning her death. He would be the happy
-go-lucky Drake he’s always been.

  I sat there for hours, thinking about how to come clean about my double life, but every idea was a shitty one. The reason being, there was no good way to tell someone you’re the reason why the love of their life is dead. But when he woke up and fell apart in my presence, my gut sunk even lower.

  I am an evil person. I should never be allowed to be loved by anyone again.

  I am getting out, that’s for damn sure, but I have a feeling the time I will spend exiled from my family will be a far worse punishment than spending years in prison.

  A week after Presley’s death, Matt found out about her. He was told by the investigator he has on the inside that Carter has an arrest warrant for murder. When Matt found out who Presley was and her relationship with my family, it didn’t take him long to see the connection and how all the pieces came together.

  Then I confessed to him why I got started in the first place. He was more open than I expected, telling me every man has a reason for getting into the life, but rarely is it for good intentions. I felt a little bit better, hoping like hell he’d let me out of the deal and I wouldn’t have to go to prison, but Matt didn’t budge. He told me this was for his reassurance, so I would never rat on him to the police that he doesn’t have in his pocket. All prison is for me is to prove to Matt I can endure hell and remain quiet at the same time. Matt and I are not all that different. We both got into the life because we felt we had no other alternative. Yet he lost his family, and I am trying to save mine.

  One thing that pisses me off is how Carter has managed to slip through my fingers again. Moments ago, I got off the phone with Matt and he told me the police have arrested him. Matt has had his inside man, aka lead police investigator, inform him that Carter is willing to turn against all of us in exchange for a lesser sentence. I wasn’t the only one implicated, either; so Matt threw his weight around. The investigator was able to build the case around me, making me the only fall guy. He got confirmation that the DEA are going to do a raid tomorrow on our house, where my secret will be exposed to my family and ultimately lead to my arrest. Therefore, tonight is the last night I will have any freedom, and the only person I want to spend it with is Cami.