Redeemed Love

by M. S. Brannon

  Reggie is looking at his laptop, his back to me as he punches in numbers. After I clear my throat, getting his attention, he looks up. His face doesn’t change; he’s not shocked or pissed or happy. His face is completely indifferent—the typical Reggie face.

  He’s kept his hair short, however now there are light specks of gray throughout. His eyes are still a cold, ocean blue, but when he stands, I can see absolutely nothing physically has changed. Reggie is still big as hell. His arms are solid along with his chest and shoulders. The ink on his arms looks just as it always has, yet I can see he’s added to his collection. The v-neck shirt exposes part of his chest that’s not covered in tattoos.

  He walks around his desk and stands in front of me, all six-foot-five-inches of his raw, powerful muscle. Everything I’ve learned and applied to my criminal life, I learned from him. I need to thank him for molding me into the killing machine my body was used for. However, I doubt those are the props he wants to receive.

  I pull my shoulders back and square my body. I don’t want to fight my brother, but if I have to, I will. I keep my eyes fixed on his, not knowing what’s going to happen or how he will react. We only stand there and stare at each other, though. My gut is fueled with a nervous energy. As fast as my heart is pounding, I feel like I’ve been smoking crack for a week straight. Reggie breaks his gaze and eyes me up and down from my feet all the way up my body, studying me, then he see the bleeding cut on my arm.

  “What happened to your arm?” His voice is still the same. Deep and commanding. I hate to admit this, but the sound of Reggie’s voice is comforting.

  “I was attacked when I got off the bus.” I don’t beat around the bush and share with him exactly what happened.

  “Who attacked you?”

  “Fucking junkies who were trying to rob me.”

  Reggie nods his head in understanding then asks, “When did you get out?” He folds his arms across his chest and stands in his typical authoritative stance.

  “I was released from the halfway house this afternoon.” I keep my body still. I don’t want to move, yet I want to run. I don’t want to have this conversation. I just want to get in my car and go. However, I have a feeling I’m going to get an earful.

  “Halfway house? That means you’ve been released from prison for a while.” I nod my head and Reggie clenches his jaw, visibly pissed. He’s running through thoughts in his head and wants to share them with me, but he keeps them to himself. I’d like to know what he thinks. Then again, I don’t. “So what brings you here? Money?”

  I am taken back by his cold tone. It’s clear he doesn’t want me around and Big Mike was right when he said things have changed. There will be no open arm, welcome home type of greeting. I hurt my family and this is my punishment. Being exiled from their lives will be my burden to bear, and I can’t blame them. Not one little bit.

  However, I keep my emotions under control and swallow the lump rising in my throat. I’m angry. I want to walk right out of here and snap someone’s neck, but I can’t. I’m on parole. I will not go back to prison.

  “No, I don’t want your money.”

  “Awe, you got a new family to help you out with that, right?” His eyes tighten and the hurt flashes briefly. Reggie is stewing to give me a piece of his mind. I’m wondering why he hasn’t yet. This isn’t the normal Reggie. He was known to fly off the handle whenever we fucked up, but now it’s like he just wants me to go and never come back.

  “No, I’m just here to get my car then I will be gone.” I clench my fist at my side and try to collect my anger.

  Reggie turns his back to me and sits back down in his chair. He focuses on his computer, ignoring me completely. I walk deeper in the room and stand right in front of his desk. Reggie looks up to me and then back down to his laptop. “Jake’s got your car. He’s got a shop about two blocks north of here.”

  As I turn to the door and pull it open, I want to stop and say something to my brother, but it’s clear he wants nothing to do with me. I burned that bridge and there is no way I can mend any of it. Reggie has despised drugs and the entire underworld. I went against everything he taught us and fell headfirst into the life. I not only betrayed Drake, but Reggie as well. I lied to him, to everyone, and now it will be impossible to fix.

  “Where are you staying?” Reggie’s voice breaks up my thoughts and gives me a little bit of hope.

  “I don’t know,” is all I say when I step from his office and out the back door.

  The walk doesn’t take me long; I’m standing outside of Jake’s auto body shop in a matter of minutes. It was our dream when we were kids to have a place like this. Knowing the dream came true for my brother makes me happy.

  The shop is modest looking on the outside, yet it looks to be a pretty big building. The wood is painted white, trimmed in black, and has three repair bays. I glance at the sign above the door. It reads “Evans Brothers Restoration.” The name we chose when we first got the idea to open our own shop.

  I’m proud of my twin. He’s accomplished what I couldn’t, and I wish him the best.

  We always called him the evil twin because Jake was always getting into trouble. Everyone was so sure it would be Jake who would end up in prison or in more trouble than he could get himself out of, but no one in my family knew what I was harboring on the inside. They didn’t know I had pure hate pumping in my veins. And it was that hate which led me into the underworld and ultimately to prison. I was able to walk through my life controlling my anger just enough, and when the time was right, I’d morph into the alter ego who’s responsible for my current state.

  I walk to the side of the building and notice a staircase leading to an apartment above the garage. The windows are open and I can hear music playing in the background. The stars are lighting up the night sky as I look up. They are breathtaking. Being out of I-Max, I enjoy looking at them even more.

  I walk up the stairs and prepare myself for another confrontation or rejection. It wouldn’t surprise me if Jake blasts me in the face the moment he lays eyes on me. Since I’ve refused to see him when he’d visit and sent his letters back, after a while, the visits were few and far between and the letters stopped. I was glad yet wasn’t. It felt like he gave up on me and maybe he did. Now, there’s only one way to find out.

  My feet trudge up the stairs until I reach the top. I pull my fist up and knock on the door. I can hear the scrambling of someone getting to the door, and when it opens, beautiful, honey-brown eyes captivate me. They suck every last bit of breath from my body. I’ve seen these eyes many times. They’ve haunted my dreams for the last four years. I recognize her immediately.

  These eyes belong to a little girl, probably five or six; my niece, Mia. Her brown hair curls tightly and hangs over her shoulders and down her back. She looks just like her mother and is absolutely adorable. My stone-like mask crumbles when I look into her eyes. I want to hug her. She hasn’t seen me since she was a baby, but maybe she remembers me.

  “Who’s at the door, sweetheart?” My eyes break from Mia’s and connect with the color blue.

  Delilah is rounding the corner into the kitchen when she freezes. She drops the towel in her hand and slowly picks her jaw up off the floor. Delilah snaps out of her trance and brushes her fingers through her long, blonde hair, trying to collect herself. Once she’s more poised, she bends down and picks up the towel then speaks, “Mia, honey, can you go in the living room for a second?”

  “Yeah, I’ll get Uncle Jake.” Mia turns from the door and walks past Delilah then shouts, “Uncle Jake! Someone is here for you!” Delilah jumps from the sound of her voice.

  “Jeremy, is that really you?” Her eyes travel the length of my body and back up again. Then a loud crack connects with my face, instantly stinging. The evil pumping in my veins becomes molten and rushes wildly. I want to slap her back. However, before I can do anything, she flings herself in my arms and secures them tightly around my neck.

  I’m ill-equipped for her
reaction, but it’s typical Delilah. She was always smacking Jake in the face, and then forgiving him the next moment. But, I’m not used to the hugging, therefore it takes me a second to realize I need to hold her in return.

  I slowly pull my arms up and wrap them around her waist, tucking her into my body. It feels good. The stinging in my face stops as does the ignited rage. Delilah and I were close the summer she came to Sulfur Heights. I only wish I could have gotten to know her better before I was sent away.

  I can hear Delilah whimpering on my shoulder, so I lean down and hold her tighter. I tuck my head into her neck and just hold her. I wish I was holding a different woman. I wish I was holding Cami, but Delilah is comforting, too. She was a good friend once, and maybe she can help my family see what I did was for them.

  “You better get your hands off my woman, son.” I raise my head and look at my twin in the entryway of his kitchen.

  He’s wearing his grease covered jeans and nothing else. He slowly walks in as Delilah pulls herself out of my arms and goes over to Jake, wrapping her arm around his waist. As Jake marks his territory by planting a really possessive kiss to her lips, I roll my eyes—yeah, nothing has changed. He’s still the overdramatic douche bag he’s always been. Well, I hope so anyway.

  Once he takes his lips off Delilah, she playfully swats him on the arm. “Oh my word, Jake.”

  Mia comes running into the room and Jake bends down, sweeping her up in his arms. She giggles when he tickles her sides. Jake is really good with her, and I can tell he is truly happy with his place in the world. He has made a life for himself. Of all my brothers, I would’ve never thought I’d see Jake domesticated, but the sight is reassuring.

  “Who’s that?” Mia asks, pointing to me. “He looks like you, Uncle, but he’s bleeding and you’re not.” We all freeze, unknowing what to say or how to react to her question.

  Delilah looks to Jake then back to me, freaking out internally.

  “It’s just someone Uncle Jake knows. Why don’t you go play with Auntie D while I talk to him.” Mia looks to Jake and rolls her eyes. She’s clearly full of attitude and must give Jake a run for his money. “Axl, are you rolling your eyes at me?”

  Mia starts to giggle again then Jake starts tickling her. She laughs happily and runs off with Delilah to the other room while I turn my attention back to Jake to see he’s not in the joking mood. He is angry with me and has every right. I roll my shoulders back and stand tall, preparing myself for anything, while Jake walks to the cabinet and pulls out a glass bottle of whiskey. He hasn’t changed much other than the tattoos covering his back. He still has his muscular build and short brown hair.

  “Nice to see ya, brother.” His tone is sarcastic, further proof Jake hasn’t changed. “I haven’t heard from you, considering all my letters and visits were rejected, so tell me, how’d you find me?” After Jake pulls a cup out of the cupboard and pours the whiskey into a glass, he turns and leans against the counter, arms crossed over his chest. Then he lifts the glass to his lips and takes a big drink. “Have you been out long?”

  I shake my head and struggle to find my words. My gut is aching, and I feel very stressed being in Jake’s presence again. I know I need to face the shit I’ve done to him, but I don’t know how. All I want to do is beat the shit out of someone because that’s how I’ve been dealing with my problems in the past. It won’t work for me right now, though.

  “Did you become deaf in prison or do you enjoy standing there like a fucking idiot?” Jake is glaring at me.

  I snap myself out of my trance and dig deep to find some words to say. “I got out today and Reggie told me where your shop was,” I say with my jaw clenched. The tightening in my chest, arms, and shoulders is warning me I’m on the verge of exploding. “I’m just here for my car.” I know I’m here for more than that, but I can’t say it.

  “You saw Reggie and you’re still alive?” Jake begins to laugh obnoxiously. “How many fucking lives have you got, brother?”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I snap back, trying really hard to get ahold of myself before I explode.

  “What do you think it means?” Jake’s voice is elevated and angry. The joking evaporates in the air and intensity is all that surrounds us. “You betrayed this entire family! Ripped us to shreds all for the sake of money! You lied to him, to all of us. Not to mention what you did to Drake!” The sound of his name guts me. The guilt sinks in and hurts me right to my core. I did hurt my brother. I hurt all of them. But no one more than Drake.

  Jake slams his glass in the sink and it shatters on impact. He walks the length of the kitchen and meets me by the door. His chest is within inches of mine. He is gearing up for a battle and instinct sets in. My stance instantly matches his.

  “It’s taken years to get him out of his personal hell. Are you even sorry for that?”

  “Jake,” Delilah’s voice is soft as she consoles a scared Mia. “Please go outside.”

  His hard exterior melts away when he looks at Mia’s state. He walks to Delilah and kisses Mia on the cheek then Delilah on the lips. When Jake turns to me and marches passed, shouldering me in the process, he opens the door and I quickly follow him back down the stairs.

  We make it to the pavement before Jake turns around and we resume our positions. I stand tall and approach him as I would if I were going against the worst inmates at I-Max. Jake’s posture mirrors mine and we are ready to explode on one another. I don’t want to fight my brother, though; I will not hit him unless he strikes first. Then, God help him. Once I cross that line, I’m not sure if can ever go back.

  “Are you going to answer me?” Jake is seething in my direction.

  “What do you want me to say?” I snap back in anger.

  “Whatever is on your mind, brother. I’m not the one who fucked up. Or do you even see it that way? You sure as hell didn’t when I saw you four fucking years ago!” With each word, Jake’s voice rises.

  “I’m not sorry I went to prison, Jake. I will never be sorry for that, and I don’t expect you to understand. It’s what I had to do and I did it. It shouldn’t have gone down the way it did, but I don’t regret a single minute of it.” It’s ballsy of me, but I’m only speaking the truth. Jake will never understand where I’m come from, and I’m not about to explain it to him. If I have regrets of getting into the life, then I have regrets of meeting Cami. I will never be sorry. Never. Cami is the reason I could go on living in prison because she was the one person I was trying to save.

  “Really?” Jake screams and steps closer. “You’re not sorry for getting Presley killed? All of that had to do with you. You know that, right?”

  “I was trying to protect her!” My belly is touching Jake’s and we are going to blow up on one another. I can sense it.

  “How were you protecting her? She’s fucking dead, Jeremy! Take some goddamn responsibility for what you’ve done!” Jake pushes on my chest, but I don’t waver.

  I stand my ground and wait for him to hit me. Once he hits me, then my switch will be fully turned over. The beast is pacing like a rabid animal inside of me. He’s screaming and clawing, trying to get out of me, but I can’t allow that to happen. Jake will be dead if it does. The red is seeping into my line of sight, and soon, it will consume me. Soon, there will be no stopping it. I need to assess what’s really happening right now. I am on the verge of killing my brother, my twin. I will never be able to live with myself if I allow that.

  I take a step back and expel deep gasps of air. I turn my back and thread my fingers behind my head. I need to walk. I have to get as far as I can away from this situation before it moves from bad to worse. I slowly walk away from Jake, hoping he doesn’t pursue. Yet the more I move away, the more my inner beast beckons me to attack. I am fighting to keep him inside, but it’s impossible when I’ve been that horrible person for so long.

  My skin is lit on fire, and I feel like I’m boiling from the inside. Sweat is generating and makes my skin slick. I gra
b ahold of the back of my shirt and rip it over my head. My bleeding arm is aching, but I ignore it. I toss my shirt to the ground and walk to the garage. I stalk back and forth, trying to keep myself from losing it when suddenly the anger is too much to bear. I pull my fist back and slam it into the wall. My knuckles crack loudly. Instant pain shoots through my hand and up my arm.

  I want to feel the pain, though. I need to feel the pain. I deserve to feel pain. I torture myself some more and start laying blow after blow into the wood. I smash my fist into the unforgiving building until I cannot stand another second of it. Then, I release a loud, guttural scream. It’s a scream in anger and agony.

  When I turn to face my brother, I’m looking at two of them. Reggie is standing beside Jake, arms crossed and indifferent. Jake, on the other hand, is staring at me in disbelief. He is studying me and trying to see if I’m the brother he used to know. However, the look in his eyes is telling me I’m a stranger. They’ve never seen this side of me before, and it’s the part of me I’ve been living for years. I’m familiar with and comfortable in this mind’s state.

  My breathing is labored and the pain in my arm is growing to great heights. I can no longer stand the intensity as it burns my entire arm. I fall to my knees and hold my wounded hand against my sweaty chest.

  As Reggie looks to me, his indifference finally fading, he sees me for the brother he once loved and falls to my side. I hold my head up and connect my eyes to his. They are filled with worry and concern. I’ve done an amazing job destroying my family, but the little part of me that’s left hopes my family can see I really do want to be with them. It will just take me time to shed my past.

  “What happened to the brother I used to know?” Reggie’s voice is quiet and scared. Not since Darcie’s situation with Robert have I ever seen Reggie this frightened.

  I glance down at the ground and try to think of what happened to his brother. I rack my brain, digging in the depths of my memory to find out what the hell happened to him—to me. Nothing comes to mind other than my execution. The Jeremy Evans they knew and once loved is dead.