Redeemed Love

by M. S. Brannon

I look up to Reggie and break the news. “I have a son.”

  His eyes open widely then he clears his throat. He opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out. Instead, Reggie takes the glass of scotch from my hand and gulps it down. I look over to him, momentarily upset, but forget it when he pours another glass.

  He walks over to the couch and flops down, taking the cup with him. “I take it you just found this out?”

  “Yeah, like ten minutes ago.” I shake my head and stand to my feet. I need to move. I need to think and I need to move. “I can’t be a father, Reggie. I wouldn’t know how.”

  “Well, you’ve got some time to get used to the idea, right?” He takes another drink from his glass as I walk over to where he’s sitting on the couch. Then I flop down beside him.

  “Nope, he’s three-years-old. She got pregnant with him the night before I went to prison.”

  “I know this is a shitty question, but I have to ask. Is he yours? Are you sure she isn’t mistaken or trying to trap you? Girls around here are notorious for pinning their kids on unsuspecting men.”

  I snap my head to Reggie and kill him with my eyes. Although, he’s never met Cami, I know she’d never try to pass someone else’s kid off on me, especially when she was so hesitant to introduce me to him in the first place. “Yes, I’m sure.”

  “How do you know? Have you seen the kid?” Reggie takes another sip from his glass and breathes deeply through his teeth, like he’s trying to gag back the booze.

  “I just know, okay? Cami would never try to trap me. She’s not that kind of girl.” I slam my fist into my thigh and get to my feet.

  I start to pace across the floor again, thinking about this entire fucked up situation. How am I going to cope with being a father? I run through every scenario that would make this a good option in my life yet come up with nothing. All I can do is pace and think what a terrible father I will be.

  I fall back onto the couch and plant my elbows on my knees. I let the bone of my elbow dig into the flesh of my leg, stinging the entire time. “I can’t be a father, Reggie. People like me shouldn’t be a role model for kids.”

  “And why’s that? What makes you different than any other father out there?” Reggie turns to me and puts his leg on the cushion.

  “Because look at what I’ve done with my life, Reggie. Look where I’ve spent the last four years of my existence. Fathers don’t do what I’ve done.” I look up to the ceiling, recalling all the horrors I’ve committed since meeting the Rykers. I’m an evil person, and evil people don’t deserve to have children.

  “So what? No one is perfect, Jeremy. Look at me.” I lower my head and connect my eyes to my brother’s. “I’m not perfect, not by a long shot. However, I managed to raise all of you as best as I could.” He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “Maybe this is the kick in the ass you need to get your life together.”

  “Killers don’t raise children, Reg—” Before I could stop myself, I’ve leaked a very deep and dark secret to my brother. He doesn’t falter, though. He only stares at me and tries to read my expression. I’m a stupid fucking idiot for saying that. I can’t believe I let the words fall out of my mouth.

  “Well, I don’t have any children, but I don’t think I would be bad at it,” Reggie says and my face is masked in shock. I always forget that Reggie, too, has blood on his hands. He killed Vinnie Trampoli when he attacked my mother and threatened us at gun point. Then, later, he killed Robert in a blind rage after witnessing the horrors he put Darcie through.

  “You’re not a killer, Reggie; you’re a protector. There’s a difference. I killed because I was told to.” This gets his attention quickly, and I can tell Reggie is dying to know that story. However, that is not a story I will be speaking any time soon. “I can’t raise a kid with fresh blood on my hands. How do I tell them to behave and obey the law when I’ve broken almost every rule out there?”

  As I stare at Reggie, it’s clear he is still wrapping his brain around my admission of killing for the Rykers; if he only knew the half of it. The half that gave me great pleasure—killing the men I was told to kill.

  “Jeremy, what about this girl? How do you feel about her?”

  There is only one feeling when it comes to Cami Ryker. She is the breath in my lungs and the joyful feeling in my heart. The only good I have in my life is Cami. “I love her.” I respond without hesitation.

  Reggie is shocked once again. He takes a huge gulp from his glass before standing from the couch and pouring his third glass. Apparently, I’m causing him to want to be numb.

  “She has been in my life for a long time. Since the night I started up with Carter and the others. I’d be dead if it weren’t for her. She kept me alive all those years in prison. It was Cami who saved my life time and time again.”

  When Reggie walks back to the couch and sits back down, he takes another drink from his glass then clears his throat. “Look, Jeremy, I can’t tell you what to do—I’ve never been in that position before—but what I can tell you is there is nothing like finding the one girl you’d die for. Nothing in this world compares to that. And I can only assume the same feelings would pass over to your children because you’ve created them with the one person you cannot live without.

  “I know you’re scared of being a dad, especially since our role models have all chosen to abandon us or be engulfed in drugs. But, who’s to say that is your path in life? We, as people, choose our own destinies, not our pasts. How are you going to know if you are a good father unless you take the plunge and just do it?

  “I remember when I got custody of you guys. I was scared shitless. At eighteen-years-old, I was stuck raising a seven and two nine-year-old boys. I didn’t have a real job or a lot of money. I had no clue how to really care for you guys, but I couldn’t fathom anyone else raising my brothers. So I had to roll up my sleeves and do it. It wasn’t easy, believe me, but I wouldn’t change it for a second—the good or the bad. I’d do it all over again because raising you boys is the greatest thing I’ve ever done. My family is the best thing that’s ever happened in my life.”

  I soak up what Reggie is saying and realize how right he is. I often take the sacrifices he’s made for granted and fail to step back to really reflect on what he’s had to do. Reggie is a selfless man and I’m a walking piece of shit. It probably killed him learning what I’ve done to the family, but Reggie just said he’d do it all again. He’d go through the pain all over again because the three of us are the best thing that’s happened to him.

  I’m overwhelmed. I want to prove to Reggie I can be the man he has raised me to be. Of all the people in my life, Reggie deserves this.

  I look to my brother and smile. “Thank you. I am sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I know I pissed you off—and I had my reasons, please believe that—but I hurt all of you in the process, and for that, I am deeply sorry.”

  “I know you wouldn’t just do what you did because you had nothing better to do. I just wish you would have talked to me about it. I could have helped you.” As Reggie looks down at his hands, I know he feels like he’s failed me. However, he’s done anything but. Reggie is the epitome of a good man, and I’d be lucky to be half as great as he is.

  “I’m afraid there wasn’t much for you to fix, Reggie. I was disconnected long before I even recognized it.” When I say that, I’m speaking of my anger and allowing my hate to control my life. I didn’t know the power it had over me until I got out of prison and found it a constant battle I have to fight. With moments like this, it will make shedding my anger easier.

  I close my eyes and think of Cami. She is everything to me and I don’t want to lose her. Not when I’ve barely got her back. She is my world, and I need to be there for her just as she was there for me through all those years. It’s my turn to give back and be there to help her. I need to be the man Reggie raised me to be, and that is not someone who’s too chickenshit to raise their own kid. I will fuck up, there’s no doubt about that,
but I will be there to watch him grow. I will stand beside him and be the father my dad never was. I owe this to him and to Cami. Hell, I even owe this to myself. I need to prove I am worthy of more than what I’ve become. I need to rise above it and be there for my son.

  When I look back to Reggie and stand to my feet, he only smiles at me because the answer to my original question has been answered. “Get out of here, Jeremy.”

  I run out the back door and get into the Challenger. As I peel out of the parking lot, only one thing is on my mind—forgiveness. There are many people with whom I need to seek forgiveness from, and I will start with Cami.

  My redemption begins now, and it will be the hardest path I will travel thus far.

  I tuck myself under my covers and fold my hands up to my chest. Like many times before, I look to God for guidance as I try to process why Jeremy walked out on us. I know there has to be a reason, but it’s hard for my human brain to understand the plans God sets before us. The only chance I have is to accept it and move forward, though. The days will be long and hard, but there is a reason for all of this. I can feel it.

  I’ve checked on Hunter one more time before I went to bed. When I was walking from his room, I looked at the picture of Jeremy on his dresser. It was taken before we crossed that line of friends to lovers, and it’s one of the only times Jeremy allowed me to see his real smile. It wasn’t a full-on smile, rather his half smile, but the moment was picture worthy and I captured it. I honestly think I was high out of my mind when I took it, but I really can’t remember.

  I roll onto my side and pull the covers up to my neck. I just want to sleep. I don’t want to think about the pain I will feel tomorrow or the amazing sex I had with Jeremy on the hood of his car. I only want to close my eyes and drift off into a peaceful sleep.

  Then, just as I start to doze off, a sound jerks my body awake. I’m scared because it’s the middle of the night and I’m alone with my son.

  I pull open the drawer to my bedside table and find the switchblade I keep tucked away. I retract the blade and ready myself to stab this unsuspecting idiot trying to break into my house. Lying still as stone, I wait until the screen is removed and the lock is slowly jimmied open. While I’m freaking out and my adrenaline is pumping rapidly, it’s impossible to keep my foot still as I watch the lock switch over to open and the pane slowly slide up.

  I’m holding the knife under the comforter and tucked by my side. I say a silent prayer as I ready myself to stab someone when a familiar electric feeling singes my skin. I know immediately who’s crawling through my window.

  As stealthy as a panther, Jeremy eases his way into my room and quietly shuts the window behind him. Then he starts removing some of his clothes. I keep myself still as I peep through the blankets, getting a good look of his strip show. Physically, Jeremy has changed since going to prison. His shoulders are broader, the muscles more prominent, and his abdominal muscles are more defined. All I want to do is trace my finger over each bump.

  As Jeremy turns around, I can see he’s received many new scars. The sight breaks my heart. He has been through so much, and for what? To break the hold my estranged father has over me?

  I know Matt is still around, and every once in a while, I can sense his presence, although I cannot see him. I’m sure he is having me followed. I guess I should be grateful he is looking after me, but my heart still feels his betrayal. I’m not ready to forgive him just yet.

  The thump of Jeremy’s shoe snaps me back to him as he moves closer to my bed, wearing only his black boxer briefs. When he falls on the bed, I don’t startle; I just look at him. We roll to our sides and look each other in the eyes. He hasn’t touched me and I’m not sure I want him to. I need to know why he’s back here and what his intentions will be. If it’s anything other than being here for Hunter, then he needs to leave and never come back.

  When I feel the knife poke into my side, I sweep it up in my hands and show Jeremy what I’ve had hidden under the blankets. “I was going to stab you,” I say very matter-of-factly.

  He shrugs. “It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been stabbed.” Jeremy’s tone mirrors mine.

  He moves his hand to the steel of the handle and takes it from my grip. He tucks the blade back inside the knife and sets it on the table where I keep it. Then his hand comes back and lingers on his leg for a moment. He wants to touch me, and I want to touch him more than I want to breathe right now, but I need to know why he’s come back.

  “Why are you here?” I study his face, trying to decipher his puzzling look. His eyes are intense and his brow is creased. He is thinking deeply about something, and I need to know exactly what that is.

  “I’m sorry, Cami. I should have never left.” The tears in my eyes start to bubble because I hope he says what I want him to say. I need it to be that. “I wish I was there for you when you had to raise our son by yourself. But you won’t have to do it alone from now on. I want to be in your lives, and I want to be his father.”

  I start to sob. I cover my face with my hands and pour my aching heart into my palms. He’s said the words I’ve been praying to hear all this time. The relief washes over me and I thank God he’s realized he can be there for us. He is a good man and deserves to be in Hunter’s life.

  Jeremy pulls my hands down and lifts my chin up. “Hey,” he whispers then kisses me on my salty, tearstained lips. “I’m not sure if I will be a good dad, but I’m going to do my best. You are one of the most important people in my life, and I can’t lose you. I’ve got a lot of fixing to do—not only with you, but with my brothers—and I’m ready to do that. I’m tired of being angry all the time. I’m tired of hating. I just want to be normal and have a normal life.”

  Wrapping my arms around his solid frame, I pull him to me, and when Jeremy rolls on top of me, the feeling of his weight blanketing my body is like no other. It tells me he’s finally here, and he will be here to protect us for as long as he lives. I slide my hands up to his face and palm his cheeks in my hands.

  One thing Jeremy has lacked in his life is hearing how much people love him. He means so much to so many people, but I don’t think he has heard it very often. I will be the person who will stop that. I lean up and brush my lips to his then let my heart do the talking.

  “I love you.” I kiss his lips again then pull back. I study his eyes as I tell him what he means to me. “You are a great man, Jeremy. I know you are. The time we’ve spent together has been the best moments of my life. And I know you will be a good father because you’re loyal to your family—you only want to protect them; you wanted to rescue them. And a son couldn’t ask for anything else from their father.”

  Jeremy’s forehead drops to mine and he holds it there. I can feel he’s processing the words I’ve told him while he attempts to argue within himself to not believe them. I will never allow him to believe anything else, though.

  “Jeremy, look at me.” His face rises up and I study his eyes. He’s fighting with his hate. “Stop it right now and listen to what I’m telling you.” I kiss his lips again as I attempt to bring him back to life. “I was dying in the alley, broken and beaten from Zane, and you rescued me. You didn’t hesitate to carry me to your car then take me to the hospital. And a month later, you did it again. I knew the moment I laid eyes on you God had a purpose for bringing us together. I was slowly killing myself while I was trying to deal with my brother’s suicide and my mother’s craziness. Then you happened, and I started to realize I needed to wake up and start enjoying life. Now, it’s your turn. God put me in your life for the same reason. I’m here to rescue you, Jeremy. Please, let me help you find yourself again—find the good of living again.”

  When the impossibly hard stone around Jeremy’s self-loathing crumbles on top of me, he sweeps me in his embrace and holds me tightly to his body. I can feel him shaking, and I know he’s crying. I will be his strength when the weight of the world is bearing down on him, ready to break him. I will be the strength he needs to
get through it. I won’t allow him to believe he is worthless or a horrible person. He has done terrible things, but he has paid his dues for those. He’s spent his time in a place I can only describe as Hell on earth. Now is his time to find the good life can bring. I will be the one to show him the good. Hunter and I will guide him there.

  Jeremy lifts his head up and then his salty lips graze mine. “I love you, Cami.”

  Before I can reply, Jeremy is kissing me deeply. His mouth is claiming mine once again as we profess our love through the touch of our lips.

  I can feel the wetness of his tears on my cheeks as I release my own. They drop from my eyes and mingle with his. We are meant for each other, so much more than any two people could be. And I will prove this by the way I’m going to make love to him.

  I push him off me then roll Jeremy onto his back. Our lips don’t break away from each other as I settle myself on top of him. His hands come around and inch their way under my shirt. Slowly, he sears my skin as he moves the fabric up.

  After I sit up and yank the shirt off my body, Jeremy pushes up and cups my breasts in his large, strong hands. They are the hands only a man can have—lethal, rough, and protective. I love his hands and all that they can do.

  My world starts to float as Jeremy sucks on my breasts, my nipples extremely hard. The tingling between my legs heats with pleasure. I tip my head back to focus on the unadulterated joy he’s giving me. The intense sensation is building and building and building until… my body explodes with passion. I cannot control the noises I’m making as my orgasm rips through my body at lightning speed. All I can do is breathe, moan and fall even more in love with this man.

  This wild, inner goddess takes over my body when I connect my eyes with Jeremy. I want to make him scream at the height of passion. I want him to feel what I always feel when he makes me come completely undone.

  I push him down to the bed and hold my face just over his. I’m not sure what has come over me, but I really don’t care. “Now, it’s my turn.”