Running Deep

by Bette Hawkins

  “I missed you too.”

  They looked into one another’s eyes, Hannah drawing comfort from the care in Angie’s. Then, she put her arms around her, holding her firmly, loving the way Angie burrowed her head into her shoulder. It was quiet, just the two of them breathing against one another.

  “We really shouldn’t be doing this,” Hannah said.

  “I know.”

  “So this was really the last time.”

  “I know.”

  Hannah’s eyes drifted shut, and she let herself go. She forgot where they were, only feeling safe and warm. Despite her calm, her heart was beating like a drum.

  Angie started. There were voices from the hall, a couple of the swimmers searching for the bathroom.

  “We should get back out there, I guess,” Hannah whispered. She kissed Angie’s temple once more, hair brushing against her lips. Next time they saw one another, it would be at training, and Hannah would have to deal with the frustration of having so many people around again.

  “You’re right. You go first, and I’ll follow you soon, okay?” Angie said.

  Hannah stood in front of Angie, taking both Angie’s hands in her own.

  There were so many things she wanted to say, like she was starting to think that she couldn’t go back from this feeling. After this was all over, she wanted everything Angie had to give. She wanted to say that this was anything but just a fling for her.

  When Angie squeezed her hand, Hannah could swear that somehow Angie knew exactly what she was thinking.

  Stealing one more kiss, she moved back, their hands joined for as long as they could before they parted.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  The relay team lined up beside the pool, the four of them in their bathers and caps, goggles snapped into place. In her green and gold polo shirt, Angie clutched a sheaf of papers. Below the hem of her black shorts, her toned legs drew Hannah’s eye.

  It was hard not to stare, now that she knew how Angie shivered at a touch on her inner thigh. On her knee was a pink scar from a childhood cycling accident, and she painted her toenails because she hated the way they looked bare.

  When Hannah looked up, she realized that Angie had clocked what she was doing. Hannah promised herself she wouldn’t do it again. Angie deserved more, even if there was a glint in Angie’s eye that hinted that she wasn’t bothered by Hannah’s ogling.

  At Hannah’s side stood Rachel Willis. Meghan Jeffries and Andrea Honeysett rounded out the group. Though Hannah didn’t know either of them well, they were each impressive. Andrea had taken a bronze medal at the last Olympics in Atlanta. It was a team Hannah was proud to be a part of.

  Clearing her throat, Angie held the papers at her side. When she spoke, her voice was full of confidence.

  “As a coaching team, we acknowledge that you’re all in peak form and that each of you has individual coaches with whom you’ve worked hard. This part of the training is only about developing cohesion. We’re here to make sure that we’ve got the sequencing right. We’ve taken a look at your most recent recorded times, and we’ll be trying out the following order. Rachel first, then Andrea, followed by Meghan. Hannah will be anchor.”

  Hannah dipped her head along with the rest of the team. The order was predictable. Though Hannah had bested Rachel in the trials, Rachel’s times were consistently faster than hers. It made sense that Rachel should lead.

  The team split in half to position themselves at opposite ends of the pool. Angie prepared herself with the stopwatch. From a distance she watched the way Angie spoke to Rachel, slightly bent to stay on the same level, gesturing with her other hand resting on Rachel’s shoulder.

  It was a privilege to see Angie in action, the warm efficiency with which she organized the team. Hannah looked forward to telling her that she was as good a coach as Hannah had always imagined she would be. She made a mental note to do that when this was all over.

  As she anticipated the last length, Hannah’s gaze flicked between whoever was in the water and Angie. Angie nodded reassuringly to each swimmer as they completed their lap.

  At the conclusion of the run-through, the team clustered around their coach for feedback. There was something off. Though Hannah had no sense of what might be wrong, she could tell by the way Angie tapped at her teeth with a finger, eyeing the spreadsheet on her sheet of paper.

  “That was excellent, thank you. Now we’re going to try something different. I want Hannah to lead off, and Rachel you’re going to be the anchor.”

  There was shuffling among the team; Andrea put a hand on her hip and Meghan grunted softly.

  “What’s up?” Angie said.

  By unspoken agreement, the team members all looked toward Meghan. In her early twenties, Meghan had a reputation for dogged determination in the water and for speaking her mind.

  “It’s just that Rachel’s the fastest. Why wouldn’t she be race leader?”

  “She’s the fastest sometimes. When it comes to speed, Hannah and Rachel are more or less interchangeable, but Hannah tends to reverse the trend when it comes to training versus competition. Her times on race day are often better than during training. It’s likely that she’ll secure a greater lead going in. Okay?”

  “Sure, we can try it,” Meghan said grudgingly.

  At the relay’s end, they formed around Angie expectantly.

  “How did we do?” Rachel said breezily. Of the four of them, she seemed to Hannah to be the most neutral party. Maybe she liked the idea of being the anchor.

  “A teeny bit slower. Not enough to determine clearly. We’ll give it more thought as we train, but at this stage, that’s the way we’re going with. That’s how we’re going to train from now on,” Angie said.

  “No disrespect to Rachel, but she’s the least experienced. I don’t know if she should anchor. What does Stuart think about all this? Does he know?” Meghan asked. “It might be completely different when there are swimmers in the lanes on either side of us.”

  Angie’s green eyes flashed at Meghan for a moment before she smoothed her expression. “I’m taking that into consideration. And yes Meghan, Stuart’s the head coach. It will be discussed with him, of course.”

  Throughout the remainder of the session, Andrea and Meghan murmured under their breath. Angie kept up her usual chipper manner, but it had to be getting under her skin. More than anything, Angie wanted to be taken seriously as a coach.

  In the changing room, Hannah toweled off after her shower. Tonight was her own time, and she was looking forward to being alone. Rachel had rinsed off quickly, and now she sat nearby lacing up her white high-top sneakers. When Andrea and Meghan emerged from the showers, she caught the annoyance in Meghan’s tone.

  “I just hate the way the women’s teams are treated. We get the consolation coach. I heard Jack and Stuart are both working with the men’s team.”

  Andrea unwrapped a towel from her head, leaning over and scrunching her hair in it. “I know. She was a great swimmer, but I’m just not sure that Kelly Bundy out there is a great coach.”

  “Who’s Kelly Bundy?” Rachel asked.

  “You might be too young to know it,” Hannah said. “But I think she’s calling Angie stupid. It’s pretty rude.”

  “Not being rude, I just wish we’d gotten a different coach, that’s all,” Andrea replied, shrugging. “You and Rachel will be fine, you’ll get places in your individual races. This might be my only chance for a gold. There’s a lot more riding on it for us.”

  Meghan pushed Andrea, but she was laughing. “Speak for yourself! I might take one, you never know.”

  Hannah pulled on her jeans. “Andrea, that has nothing to do with it. I want to do well in the relay just like you guys. I’m not in this only for myself.”

  “Why don’t you guys like Angie? I think she’s so nice. She’s been super encouraging toward me,” Rachel said.

  “Nobody ever said she wasn’t nice,” Meghan snapped. “Rachel, we got the least experienced coach. Stuart
is obviously the best, but Jack helped coach the team to Atlanta, and he knows what he’s doing. They’re using Angie to practice on us, can’t you see that? And you should care more. You’re supposed to be race leader. She gave Hannah your spot.”

  “Whoa!” Hannah said. “That’s not cool, Meghan.”

  “Sorry. It’s not personal against you, Hannah, you’re a great swimmer. But you know Rachel should be first. And you’ve got more experience anyway. You should anchor. There’s more than one reason why this is stupid.”

  Hannah leaned against the locker. She always gave coaches the benefit of the doubt; even that bully Tim had profited from her belief in a coach’s authority.

  This situation was unique, though. There were questions Hannah should ask herself. Were her feelings for Angie affecting her reactions? And more to the point, had Angie’s decision making been impaired by what had been going on between them?

  Meghan, Rachel, and Andrea stared back at her. Meghan’s nostrils flared, and Rachel’s face crumpled, a sheen over her eyes. Hannah chewed on her thumbnail. She had to do something.

  “We shouldn’t be arguing like this,” she said. “Disagreements are okay, but they can’t get heated.”

  After a moment, Meghan nodded. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “So, what do we do? I don’t think we can just leave it; this is too big an issue. Should we talk to Stuart?” Andrea asked.

  “Behind her back? I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Hannah said.

  “Yeah, it’ll just make us look like complainers,” Meghan said. “Let’s talk to Angie and see if we can get her to reconsider. We can go to her together. She seems like she’d be pretty reasonable. Don’t you think?”

  “I don’t want to do that! She’ll think we don’t believe in her,” Rachel said.

  “We don’t believe in her, though,” Andrea pointed out, and Rachel directed a pleading look toward Hannah.

  Hannah pushed herself off the locker. Nobody in this room knew it, but this was her mess, and it was her responsibility to put it right. “Okay. Do you guys trust me to talk to her myself? I just think it’ll be less confrontational for her that way. But if she stands by her decision, especially after she’s met with Stuart, we have to fall in line.”

  She looked around the room with her eyebrows raised, waiting until each person had signaled their agreement.

  Angie was still in the aquatic center, sitting cross-legged on a bench seat, leaning back against the brick wall. On her lap were the statistics she’d been consulting, and she was using a gold pen to mark the margins. At the sound of Hannah’s approaching footsteps, she looked up.

  “Hey. Can I talk to you for a second?” Hannah asked.

  “What’s up?”

  “Nothing. I just need to check something out with you. Why have you put me in the first position?”

  Angie put the papers down on the bench at her side and raised herself from her seat until they stood eye to eye. “I explained my rationale clearly during the training session.”

  “I know,” Hannah said, faltering. “I don’t mean to question your judgment or anything.”

  “Except that you are. What’s the problem here?”

  “The team has some concerns.”

  Angie’s chin was raised. “I know. Then why isn’t the rest of the team coming to me? Why you?”

  She glanced around to be sure they were alone. Then she stepped closer to Angie, mentally batting away all the things she noticed in an instant—the smell of Angie’s hair, and her perfume. The way her eyes widened every time they were close like this.

  “I thought it was best to talk to you alone. I just needed to know…You didn’t put me in the first position for any other reason, did you?”

  Calmly, Angie picked up the sheets of paper from the bench and handed them to Hannah. “A lot of time and energy has been put into picking through these numbers. You can go through them yourself if you like.”

  Hannah jogged her leg up and down, pushing the paper back toward Angie. “C’mon, no, I don’t need to do that. I trust your judgment.”

  “You’re not acting like it.”

  “I just needed to hear you say it, all right? I feel bad. I don’t want to cause any problems. I just want to make sure that you’re not doing this out of guilt.”

  Angie stared back at her. “Not everything is about that. We’re never going to get past it, are we?”

  She set her jaw. “Okay, sorry. Let’s just focus on this then, can we?”

  “You know that you and Rachel are close and the rest is a judgment call. My gut says that this order will work better. I’m a new coach, so of course they’re going to question me. You don’t have to indulge it. They look up to you. If you don’t undermine me, maybe they won’t.”

  “I wasn’t undermining you,” Hannah said, articulating each word carefully. She looked over her shoulder again. “I wouldn’t do that to you. See, this is the reason why we should have held off from…being intimate. This conversation would be completely different if we hadn’t slept together.”

  Angie searched her face. Hannah rubbed her mouth, as though she could take the words back. This conversation had spun out of control.

  After staring at Hannah, her expression blank, Angie picked up a bag from under the seat. “I’ll talk to Stuart. But I’d be doing that regardless of your complaints. The final decision is ours.”

  “Of course,” Hannah said, sticking her hands in her pockets, her face hot.

  She returned to the change rooms, where she was sure everyone would still be waiting for her to report back. She had no idea what she was going to tell them. And she had no idea what she was going to do about Angie.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  The disagreement with Angie had left a bad taste in Hannah’s mouth, one she was impatient to wash out with some time alone and sleep.

  The accommodation for the training period was dorm-like, the quarters uniform. Each room was bare, save for a bed, a nightstand, and a small desk. There were shared amenities, but she was grateful the rooms were single occupancy. Rachel stayed in the room adjoining hers. The night before, they’d spent the evening chatting in a common room, but she wasn’t in a mood to socialize now.

  In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth and pressed a cold washcloth to her face. The thing with Angie didn’t have to be a disaster. Tomorrow, she would find a way to get Angie alone and work things out. The rift was like a tear in a piece of clothing; the longer it went on, the more damage would be done.

  She dressed in her striped flannel pajama pants, comforted by their familiar softness, then pulled on a black tank top. On the way back to her room, she figured she should at least check in on Rachel and say goodnight. The friction in the team had disturbed Rachel today, and she wanted to reassure her. She’d like to tell Rachel she was proud of her too, for standing up for what she thought was right, especially against a group of older swimmers. The team should have listened to her more.

  When she reached Rachel’s door, it was ajar, and she pushed it until it creaked open further.

  Rachel was splayed out on her mattress, the blankets thrown back. She checked her watch. Only eight o’clock. When she opened the door, Rachel didn’t stir at all. It was strange that she should be sleeping so deeply at this hour.

  Hannah crept to the edge of the bed. Rachel’s lamp cast a soft light over her.

  “Rachel, are you sick?”

  Heavy breath fell from Rachel’s open mouth, and she was snoring. It seemed slower than it should be, even for someone who was asleep. Hannah put a hand on Rachel’s shoulder, and still, she didn’t move.

  Hannah shook her gently and then harder.

  “Huh?” Rachel said groggily, but she didn’t crack open an eye.

  Hannah looked toward the lamp on the nightstand, wondering if she should turn it off. A sheet of pills lay next to a half-full glass of water. That must be what was making Rachel seem so out of it. Hannah searched for a pac
ket to see what it was. There was nothing there.

  Hannah stepped back out of the room. It wasn’t right to leave Rachel like this without knowing exactly what was going on. Would Hannah look silly if she called one of the team medics to check on Rachel? It might draw attention or start nasty rumors.

  Hannah paced the hall, deciding that she should call Angie. Angie cared a lot about Rachel’s welfare, and Hannah could trust her to be discreet if Rachel had taken something she shouldn’t have.

  Because Angie lived in Brisbane, it was safe to assume that she was staying in her own home during training. Angie’s card was tucked into Hannah’s purse, and she took it to the pay phone in the hall. As she dialed, she tried to think of a backup plan if this didn’t work. Mercifully, Angie answered after a few rings.

  “Hey Angie, it’s Hannah. I’m calling about Rachel. I think she’s taken something, and I didn’t know what else to do.”

  It was quiet as Angie took it in. “Shit. Is she okay?”

  “I think so, but she’s sleeping heavily so I’m not sure. I mean, I’d call a medic if I thought something was very wrong, but I just don’t know. Sorry, I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “No, it’s okay, of course. I’m glad you called me. I’ll come over there, and we’ll decide what to do. You’ll keep an eye on her until I get there?”

  While she waited, Hannah continued to pace, sticking her head into Rachel’s room now and then to eye the rise and fall of her chest. Finally, Angie tapped on the door to their quarters, rushing toward Rachel’s room when Hannah pointed to it.

  Angie leaned over Rachel, head cocked to listen to her breathing. She reached for the sheet of medication. “This is what she took?”

  “Yeah. I have no idea what it is. Do you know?”

  Angie held the foil packet under the lamp, examining the small white pills and then turning it over. “Shit. I know this. This is Restoxx.”

  Angie gestured toward Hannah’s room, and they walked there together, silent until the door was closed behind them.

  “Is it bad? Do we need to call a doctor?”