Running Deep

by Bette Hawkins

  “No. There is only one pill missing from the sheet, so she’ll sleep it off. It’s normal for it to knock you out like that. But I’ll need to talk to her tomorrow. That stuff isn’t good for you.”

  “What is it, exactly? Restoxx?”

  “You don’t know it? A lot of swimmers were using it when I was in the game. I guess some things never change. It’s a sleeping pill. Everyone was taking it on the long flights to get enough sleep, to train, and everything. I took it once myself, but never again. It makes you do weird stuff. Some people sleepwalk on it, and you wake up feeling awful.”

  “I wonder where she got it?”

  “It’s prescription. Perfectly legal, but if Rachel’s having trouble sleeping, I’d like to talk to her about her stress levels.”

  Hannah sat on the bed. “I think talking to her is a great idea. It was obvious when you were coaching us today that she really looks up to you.”

  Angie stood close to the bed, hesitating until Hannah dipped her head to indicate she should join her and sit.

  “She looks up to you too,” Angie said.

  “I guess. Hey,” Hannah said.

  Angie faced her, one leg pulled up underneath herself on the mattress. It was so easy for Hannah to get lost in those eyes, in the flecks of gray against green. “What is it?”

  “You don’t have to brace yourself, Angie. I wanted to ask if we were okay? After today, I mean.”

  “Oh,” Angie said, smoothing down her shorts to cover more of her thigh. “Yes, of course.”

  “And, I wanted to apologize for making you feel undermined. I wish I’d handled things differently, but I got caught up in my own stuff. You’re a great coach like I knew you would be. What did you think I was going to say just now?”

  Angie stared back at her before her gaze dropped, making Hannah conscious of the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra under her tank top.

  Angie averted her eyes. “I thought you were going to give me the speech.”

  “What speech is that?”

  Her hand inched closer to Angie’s knee. The distance between them today had been vast, their connection stretched to the breaking point. Hannah realized that her frustration hadn’t been just with Andrea and Meghan. It was with herself, and with having to deny her attraction to Angie, even for a few hours.

  When they’d initiated the break, it was with the assumption that it would be easy for them to compartmentalize. That was naïve.

  “The one about regretting what we did and saying that it could never happen again. Isn’t that what you were hinting at today?”

  “You think that’s how I feel?” She slid her fingers onto Angie’s bare knee, grasping smooth skin. In here, when they were alone, she didn’t have to try to reject this feeling. “When I can’t seem to keep my hands off you?”

  “You do apparently have an issue with resisting me right now. Is it my slippers?” Angie said, a smile tugging at her lips. She waved her foot in the air. “They turn you on?”

  “That must be it.”

  Flattening her palm, Hannah brushed it over Angie’s knee, moving it upward. Quiet fell over the room as Hannah ran her hand over Angie’s legs.

  They shifted closer, Angie curling a hand around the back of Hannah’s neck. They were near enough that Angie’s breath touched Hannah’s lips. But for another heart-stopping minute, Hannah only rubbed Angie, fingers playing over her inner thighs.

  At last, they closed the distance, making out while Hannah explored the silky skin under her fingers. A moment later Angie shoved her hand under Hannah’s tank top, reaching upward quickly. When she grabbed Hannah’s breast, Hannah arched into her.

  “Shhh,” Angie said, giggling into her mouth. “We have to be quiet.”

  They kissed while Angie teased the undersides of her breasts, and Hannah bit back a moan. After a few minutes, Angie drew back.

  “You’re not that good at not making noise!” Angie whispered hoarsely.

  Hannah grinned back at her. “We’ll see how good you are at staying quiet.”

  Hannah stood and pushed Angie back onto the mattress. She dragged Angie by the legs to pull her further down the bed. Hannah yanked Angie’s shorts and underwear down her legs to the sound of Angie’s quickened breath. Angie kicked them onto the ground.

  By the single bed, Hannah kneeled. When she paused to look up, Angie was lying with the back of her hand over her mouth, biting a knuckle, trying her best to be silent.

  Afterward, they lay in one another’s arms on the narrow bed, Angie stroking Hannah’s hair.

  “I should go,” Angie said.

  She tightened her arms around Angie’s waist. “Stay with me, just for a little while?”

  “Okay.”

  Angie rolled onto her side, propping herself up on an elbow to look down into Hannah’s face. She dropped a kiss onto her forehead, then she just watched her, tracing a finger over Hannah’s collarbone.

  “What are you thinking about?” Hannah asked.

  “We’re not doing too well at this, are we? Taking a break, I mean?”

  “I guess not. Does that bother you?”

  “Yes. I’m so scared of history repeating itself. Aren’t you?”

  “Please stop worrying. I know how to focus when I’m in the pool. It hasn’t compromised my training at all. I know things got weird today, but there’s no way of knowing…with all our history…it might have happened like that either way. We’ll never know.”

  “I guess you’re right…”

  “Besides, if you want to know the truth, it would be more distracting for me if we didn’t do this.”

  “How do you mean? Why would you be distracted?”

  Hannah put her hand on Angie’s cheek, stroking it with her thumb. “Because you’re all I can think about right now anyway.”

  Angie kissed her, then snuggled into her. The moment was so perfect that Hannah wanted it to last forever. She bit back her questions about whether there was any future for them after the Games. Was this a fling or something more? The issues had been hanging in the air between them, but in these stolen moments how could they talk about anything serious?

  Instead of talking, she contemplated what Marie said about not really knowing Angie. It had sounded true when Marie said it, but at times like these, she saw the foolishness of questioning the link between herself and Angie. She had seen enough to know who Angie was. Some things couldn’t be described and didn’t make sense on the face of it.

  She knew how it felt when Angie pressed herself against her like she was right now, as though she never wanted to let go. Hannah allowed her eyes to drop shut, floating in Angie’s arms.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  2000 - Sydney Olympic Games

  Finally, it was happening, as near to perfect as anything Hannah had ever experienced. With the benefit of adult confidence and a mature understanding of what it meant to be at the Games, Hannah was on cloud nine.

  She had taken it for granted that she had a solid grasp of what to expect from this event. That was wrong; the combination of the Games being hosted in her home country and the fact that it was the millennium year brought a different energy. When Hannah became part of the audience to support fellow Australians, she giggled at the chant that the Aussies had taken up: “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie.” It was thrilling to think they’d be yelling it for her, soon enough.

  The swimming finals began only a few days after the opening ceremony, and the relay event was Hannah’s first competition. Before the race, the four members of the team clasped hands with their heads bowed, cementing their commitment to one another. The day after their argument about positions, Hannah called a team meeting to hash things out. They eventually agreed they would cast any reservations aside and put their faith in Angie.

  By now, they believed in the order. Their times during training were impressive. If the plan was controversial, so much the better. Surprising people was fun.

  Angie strode into the locker room. It took knowing
her well to see how edgy she was, to look for the clenched jaw and a light tremble in her fingers.

  Angie asked, “How are we all feeling?”

  “Ready to squash those Americans like a bug. No offense,” Meghan said.

  Angie held up her hands. “Hey, none taken. I’d love to see that. You ladies have been a pleasure to coach. I have absolute faith in all of you.”

  The circle widened to include her, and they stood with their arms around one another while she spoke quietly to them about determination and focus, about not allowing themselves to get distracted. They broke, Angie’s and Hannah’s eyes meeting across the circle.

  “All right, let’s get out there,” Andrea said, punching a fist into her other palm.

  “I’ll be with you in a sec, I want to use the bathroom one last time,” Hannah said.

  Angie picked up on Hannah’s signal and stayed behind. The sounds of other women showering and talking came from the next room, but there was nobody else around. Hannah hugged Angie to draw strength from her.

  In the last weeks, there had been many more meetings. They’d risked getting caught, with Angie sneaking into her room during training and at the village as often as she could. Now and then one of them would suggest they dial it back, but they could never follow through. They touched but never talked, at least not about what they were doing.

  “Are you okay?” Angie asked.

  “You mean aside from feeling like I’m going to throw up?”

  They swayed together, and Hannah pressed her lips to Angie’s jawline.

  “No matter what happens, I’m proud of you. As a coach and as a friend,” Angie said, fumbling the last word.

  “I’m proud of you too. You’ve done an amazing job with us. Rachel’s confidence has gone through the roof over this last little while. I think it’s going to make all the difference.”

  “Thank you. Good luck.”

  “You’re my good luck charm,” Hannah said as she gripped Angie’s shoulders.

  “You have to go,” Angie said, twirling her around and pushing her. “Get out there.”

  “Bye!” she said, as though they were parting after dinner or she was leaving for work.

  “Bye, love you!” Angie said, through a giggle.

  Hannah’s step slowed, and she looked back over her shoulder. Angie’s smile had frozen.

  “Hannah!” Meghan said from the door. “You’ve got to hurry up!”

  “Coming, coming!” Hannah replied, beckoning for Angie to follow.

  They were at the Olympic Games, and even now she was more worried about Angie than anything else. Time to shake it off and put on her game face. They were going to win this.

  When Hannah had touched the wall, there was time to check how she’d done. In the water, it felt like her lead was excellent; she’d defeated the swimmers in the lanes on either side of her. It was even better than she’d calculated.

  Until this instant, there was a part of her that had never quite believed in Angie’s strategy. From the beginning she’d gotten behind Angie’s idea, knowing that she had to back her one hundred percent and doing her best to shove any negativity away.

  Hannah had been right to disregard it. While she watched Rachel powering down the lane like some kind of aquatic cheetah, Hannah cheered her on. Rachel was neck and neck with the American swimmer on her left.

  When a race was this close, it was impossible to tell who was going to take it, but she had a good feeling. There was no time to seek out Angie, and she wished she were standing right here with her so they could watch it together.

  At the end, there was an agonizing uncertain second, before that deafening chant rang out. Aussie Aussie Aussie.

  The four of them ran to each other, hugging and jumping up and down, then they folded Angie into the group. Hannah couldn’t stop beaming. The weight of Angie’s arm was on her shoulder, and in the chaos of the win, she snuck a kiss on Angie’s cheek.

  They stole more than a kiss when Angie came to Hannah’s room later. As Hannah pulled Angie’s shirt over her head, astride her on the single mattress, Angie put a hand on Hannah’s chest.

  “Wait…what about tomorrow! I shouldn’t be here. I came to say congratulations, but I was going to let you rest,” Angie said, running her hand down Hannah’s torso. “You kind of put all your eggs in one basket with the two hundred. Surely we can wait one night?”

  “You scared you’re going to wear me out?” Hannah said, twisting against Angie, hips pressing into her waist.

  “That sounds like a challenge to me,” Angie said, pulling Hannah downward.

  The next morning Hannah scrubbed a hand over her face. She surveyed her body and scanned her mind. This would likely be the only time she’d have alone before the madness started, and she wanted to soak it up.

  Angie was right. She hadn’t slept as much as she should have. It wasn’t important. Every extra moment spent with Angie was worth it. There was no logic to it, but she was sure it gave her vitality. This morning there was a force flowing through her; all her strength and mental energy were invested in the competition.

  Angie was right about this too; she had gambled by focusing only on the two-hundred-meter event. The decision to return had been made late in the game, and she had worried about spreading herself too thin. It meant that she only had one shot, and she wasn’t going to waste it.

  On the block, she focused on the solid tile beneath her bare feet. How many times had she stood just like this, primed to dive in? Hundreds, probably thousands of times.

  It was so strange to think that this might be the last one of any significance. It was an ending; she was closing a loop in her life.

  She had to win, for herself and for Angie. It would always be strange between them if she didn’t. Taking the gold was the only way to right a wrong. This time she’d live up to her potential.

  The crowd raised their voices for Hannah and Rachel too, who was a couple of lanes away. “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie.” Hannah wanted to make them cheer louder, to bring the house down.

  One of the many advantages of Sydney hosting the games was the fact that everyone Hannah loved could be here. Her parents, Mark and Ethan and their partners, Marie and Scott, and Debbie.

  And of course, there was Angie. There was no point denying that Angie belonged in the group of people that she loved. With searing clarity given to her by the weight of this day, she understood how far she’d fallen. It had gone beyond infatuation long ago; she loved Angie more than she’d ever loved anyone before.

  She loved the way Angie smelled and the touch of her skin, adored the sound of her voice and every expression that passed across her face.

  Priming herself to dive in, she recognized she had to tell Angie how she felt, and soon. How could she have so much courage when it came to swimming, and so little about making a confession about these feelings to her? There was no future without her in it.

  But right now, she was going to swim.

  Surging through the pool, she sensed the American favorite, Jodie Bell, was close in the lane next to her. It couldn’t be a distraction, only a fact. She stroked cleanly through the water. Working, always working, to do the best she could.

  The mantra spooled out in her mind. She had to win. What was she here for, if not to win? She had to want it more than everyone else.

  At the turn, she was euphoric. She was pushing herself, increasing her speed as much as she could.

  Coming up to the finish, she gave it an extra push. The race was close all the way, and all she knew for sure was that she and Jodie were neck and neck. Pushing under the lane dividers, Hannah and Rachel came together, clutching one another while the announcer made the call.

  Hannah first, Jodie second. Rachel had the bronze medal.

  Rachel cried, her tears mingling with the water already on her face. Hannah held her, rubbing her back in the water.

  “We did it, girl. I’m proud of you,” Hannah said.

  Hannah shook hands with Jodie, an
d they slapped one another on the back firmly in congratulations. At times like these, it always seemed stupid to Hannah for them to be on opposing teams. They were all swimmers, in this together.

  Proudly, the three of them stood side-by-side on the dais. Holding Rachel’s hands, Hannah and Jodie reassured her not to worry. Though it might feel like her legs were going to give out, she was going to be okay.

  Hannah smiled broadly when the medal was placed around her neck. Not bad, for someone her age. Two for two was not bad at all, considering how long she’d been retired. Finally, she could call herself an Olympic gold medalist. She’d helped add two medals to the count, and now her work was done.

  Though she’d just been lamenting the existence of teams, the Australian anthem brought a lump to her throat.

  The press conference followed, and Hannah was left with a couple of hours before she was due at dinner. Her folks had booked a table in a swanky Sydney restaurant for everyone who’d traveled up from Melbourne.

  Stuart had been the representative from the coaching team at the press conference, and so Hannah hadn’t even laid eyes on Angie since she’d gotten out of the water. Her priority was to get to her room for a nap, but the first thing she planned to do when she got up was to find her.

  Hannah was walking toward the shuttle bus that would take her back to the village when there was a tap on her shoulder.

  “Angie!” she said, and they joined in an embrace.

  There were too many people surrounding them for more than that, but they made the most of it, Angie’s hands splayed across Hannah’s back. “Congratulations,” Angie whispered into her hair. “I always knew you could do it.”

  “Thank you for believing in me.”

  They faced one another, and Hannah wished the rest of the world would fall away. She’d never wanted to kiss anyone so much in her life. Angie was staring at her lips too.

  “Will you come to my dinner tonight?” she said. They were still holding hands, and Hannah realized she didn’t care who saw it.

  “I wish I could, but we’ve got an official event. Come to my place after?” Angie said.