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MacTrump Page 16

by Ian Doescher


  —I know not! I am not

  A doctor of the psyche. Why not ask

  The neurosurgeon you do keep around.

  PUCKABEE

  That quack thinks Jesus kill’d the dinosaurs!

  KELLEYANNE

  Pray, Doctor, give us counsel.

  ENOS

  —First things first.

  Where is the headcase?

  Enter LADY MACTRUMP carrying a doublet and a candle.

  PUCKABEE

  —Lo, e’en now she comes!

  KELLEYANNE

  This may be double-double trouble.

  ENOS

  —Hide!

  [Puckabee, Kelleyanne, and Enos hide behind the cabinet and watch Lady MacTrump.

  LADY M.

  [to doublet:] There is a frightful stain upon thy back.

  A disappointing blot, I do confess—

  Mayhap I could convince the populace

  The marks were made by sitting in a chair,

  Or leaning up against graffiti’d walls

  So wet with paint that they did leave these strange

  Impressions on the doublet. Verily,

  If I foreknew the backlash I’d endure

  When first I wrote the few words thereupon,

  I’d ne’er have penn’d them. O, thou naughty doublet!

  ENOS

  God’s wounds. The lady’s daffy!

  PUCKABEE

  —Thou dost see!

  ENOS

  Hath she been ever thus?

  KELLEYANNE

  —I know but this:

  She hath not slept since she and Lord MacTrump

  Exchang’d their vows.

  ENOS

  —How long ago was that?

  KELLEYANNE

  ’Twas sixteen years, and near as many months.

  [Bells jingle.

  ENOS

  Hark, hark! I hear a tintinnabulation.

  PUCKABEE

  The jester comes. Be silent presently!

  Bells jingle louder. Enter FOOLIANI.

  FOOLIANI

  Good even, sleepy lady.

  LADY M.

  [to Fooliani:]     —Noble knight,

  I bid thee well. I prithee, honor me

  By slaying the disorienting dragon

  That hath encirclèd its confusing coils

  Around my restless mind. I stainage see

  Upon my garments, which doth speak to me

  In ways that do make sleep impossible.

  Inspect this doublet, please. What should I do?

  And how remove th’embarrassment thereof?

  [Fooliani examines the doublet.

  FOOLIANI

  Unless I am illiterate, it seems

  There’s writing hereupon.

  LADY M.

  —My hero, thou!

  What doth it say, O noble man of letters?

  FOOLIANI

  It reads: “I verily don’t care. Do you?”

  LADY M.

  [to doublet:] O, naughty spot that still is not rubb’d out!

  The tiny hands of migrant children e’en

  Could not erase the blot. O, suffering!

  Though I have scrubb’d, thy message still appears

  And I do pay the cost. They think me heartless—

  A simple and unthinking former model

  And not a model lady. I’ll not have’t!

  They say that FLOTUF hath a rotten motive.

  No doublet may humiliate me so,

  Especi’lly such an inexpensive one.

  Be gone, foul stain. I’ll make thee disappear,

  For what I wrote now noisome turns for me!

  [Exit Lady MacTrump.

  FOOLIANI

  Please do! I verily don’t care as well.

  [Fooliani shakes his marotte. Bells jingle. Exit Fooliani.

  KELLEYANNE

  Is’t safe enow for us to doublespeak?

  ENOS

  Indeed it must be—you must be first to hear

  My carefully consider’d diagnosis:

  The woman, speaking medic’lly, is crack’d.

  PUCKABEE

  What mounting madness! Her mind hath been riv’n.

  Profoundest tragedy.

  KELLEYANNE

  —This may explain

  Why she and Lord MacTrump have never made

  The beast with double backs since they arriv’d

  Into the White Hold.

  ENOS

  —Foh! Say, is there some

  Nepenthe in this cab’net strong enow

  To purge that horrid image from my pate?

  [Enos attempts to open the cabinet.

  PUCKABEE

  Be still! We do not know if it is safe

  For us to come forth from our hiding place.

  KELLEYANNE

  All seemeth safe; no clue of her I see.

  PUCKABEE

  Where hath our lady gone, so wondrous quick?

  Enter FOOLIANI from the cabinet.

  FOOLIANI

  She’s in the kitchen with the candlestick.

  [The others scream, startled. Fooliani shakes his marotte. Bells jingle. Exeunt.

  SCENE 6.

  In the White Hold dining hall.

  Enter MACTRUMP and DAME DESDIVANKA.

  MACTRUMP

  Despite my lady’s strange nocturnal walks,

  Of which the doctor telleth me of late,

  Methinks the day arriveth with new hope.

  Last night, I slumber’d better than I have

  This fortnight past—my bladder woke me not,

  My thoughts were settl’d calmly in my mind,

  And I awoke refresh’d for what may come.

  DESDIVANKA

  Your news is wondrous, Father, for I know

  Too long you have been plagu’d by lack of sleep.

  MACTRUMP

  For certain, some of it was for good reason.

  Let us enjoy a hearty feast together—

  ’Tis well past lunchtime, and ’tis my desire

  To name you my new aide-de-camp whilst all

  Are too stuff’d up with food to stand or speak.

  Pray, summon all the chumps, the chaff, and chefs!

  DESDIVANKA

  Yes, Father.

  [Exit Desdivanka.

  MACTRUMP

  —This shall be the best of times.

  [Calling:] McTweet!

  Enter MCTWEET.

  MCTWEET

  —You call’d a bird of finest feather?

  MACTRUMP

  Tell me the latest news, McTweet.

  MCTWEET

  —It says:

  [McTweet produces several pages and reads from them.

  Your newest judge for our esteem’d High Court

  Hath waken’d faithful voters and hath giv’n

  The Democrati multitude forebodings,

  A thing MacTuttle thinks shall help him hold

  The Northern Chamber in November next.

  MACTRUMP

  A clever gambit. Please, send compliments

  To Turtleneck.

  [McTweet makes a note with his quill.

  MCTWEET

  —I shall! [Reading:] There was a rally

  Across the river, which some tweeters fear

  May violent become.

  MACTRUMP

  —Why? Who is there?

  MCTWEET

  Some members of the neo Swastiklan

  Withal Konfed’rate Knights
of Khristendom.

  MACTRUMP

  O, all good people, those. Do let me know

  If any of them injur’d are.

  MCTWEET

  —Yea, lord.

  Enter DONNISON and ERICSON.

  DONNISON

  My father!

  MACTRUMP

  —Issue! What brings ye to me?

  DONNISON

  We hither come with most perplexing news,

  Yet hope-fill’d, too.

  ERICSON

  —Which doth involve two ladies!

  MACTRUMP

  Two ladies, eh? Well, I should like to hear’t!

  We are about to dine upon our luncheon.

  Shall you two join? The mess is bringing forth

  MacWhoppers, Chicken Niblets, and fillets;

  And we, of course, shall all have fries with that.

  DONNISON

  Delightful in the height! Yea, count us in.

  MACTRUMP

  Then we shall gladly toast the House MacTrump!

  I prithee, boys, hold back your news for last.

  I’ve vital news to share about your sister,

  And ye should be here when I do announce.

  DONNISON

  We’ll heed your call and wait our cue.

  ERICSON

  —Hurrah!

  MCTWEET

  My lord MacTrump, these final sheets detail

  Developments come from the inquisition.

  MACTRUMP

  I need not hear them now. Shoo! Buzz off, buzzard.

  May I not share a moment with my sons?

  DONNISON

  Yea! Beat it, birdbrain!

  ERICSON

  —Find a worm to chew!

  MCTWEET

  [aside:] These apples did not fall far from their tree.

  [Exit McTweet.

  Enter DAME DESDIVANKA and LORD JARED KUSHREW.

  DESDIVANKA

  Wise Father, all your staff do stand assembl’d.

  MACTRUMP

  Good. Send them in.

  DONNISON

  —Fair greetings, family!

  [Kushrew waves. Desdivanka does not.

  DESDIVANKA

  O, boys, what errand brings you hither now?

  DONNISON

  We have intelligence about our father,

  Which we learned from the protestors.

  ERICSON

  —Two ladies!

  DESDIVANKA

  But Father, sanction you their presence here?

  MACTRUMP

  Of course! If they would play the part of grown-ups,

  They shall be seated at the big boys’ table.

  DESDIVANKA

  As you desire, my lord and sovereign.

  [Aside:] A thousand poxes on my brothers two

  Should they disrupt this most important lunch!

  Enter SIR JOHN MACKEELEY, LADY KELLEYANNE BOLEYN, LADY SARAH PUCKABEE, SIR MICHAEL POMPEII, and GUARDS carrying trays of food.

  MACTRUMP

  Be seated, ev’ryone, and tuck ye in!

  [All sit and begin to eat.

  As ye well know, there have been many changes

  Within the White Hold since I took the throne.

  I stand most proud of some, while others prov’d

  Disgraceful, sad, and fit for total losers.

  ’Tis wherefore I shall fire Sir John MacKeeley

  As aide-de-camp and shall replace him with

  My brilliant, lovely daughter, Desdivanka…

  MACKEELEY

  Wait, what?

  POMPEII

  [rising:]  —My lord MacTrump, I must object!

  MACTRUMP

  Mayhap I shall appoint Lord Kushrew as

  My new and loyal secret’ry of state

  Anon since thou, Pompeii, so soon object’st.

  MACKEELEY

  My lord MacTrump, if I may speak a word—

  DESDIVANKA

  Another word from thee and I shall make

  My first achievement thine immediate

  Discharge for insubordination. Tut!

  KELLEYANNE

  This is so plusgood, lord, I speechless am.

  PUCKABEE

  My lord, how shall I tell this to the public?

  DESDIVANKA

  Thou canst begin, thou Suckerbee, by showing

  This most unworthy officer the door

  And telling all thy mewling faux news cronies

  The reason wherefore thou still hast a job.

  Unless, of course, thou wishest to be fir’d.

  MACTRUMP

  [to sons:] Is not my daughter wonderful?

  [Donnison and Ericson look up from their plates, with their mouths too full of food to speak.

  DONNISON

  —Mff?

  ERICSON

  —Erg?

  MACKEELEY

  [to Desdivanka:] Speak not so boldly to me, nasty woman!

  MACTRUMP

  What? Nasty? Thou wouldst disrespect my daughter

  With that same word that I did use to outrage

  The Democrati fiend Hillaria?

  MACKEELEY

  You reek of mockery and monarchy.

  Enjoy your feast; MacMueller soon shall serve

  You all indictments for your just deserts!

  DESDIVANKA

  So bleat the sheep within MacMueller’s flock.

  Have a MacLambchop as thou dost depart.

  [Kushrew offers MacKeeley a sandwich. MacKeeley throws it on the ground and stomps on it. Exit MacKeeley.

  MACTRUMP

  This luncheon was a thrill. Doth anyone

  Have aught additional that they would speak?

  Enter MCTWEET.

  MCTWEET

  My lord, that protest I spake of before

  Hath lately, as was fear’d, turn’d violent!

  [Reading:] “The people gather’d silently this morn,

  The fog of early fall encircling them.

  A man enwrapp’d in flag confederate

  Approach’d the helpless protestors, as though

  He merely would discuss some point withal.

  When he drew closer, though, his purpose chang’d.

  More swiftly than a person can imagine,

  He drew his weapon, aim’d toward the crowd,

  And fir’d his gun incessantly thereon.

  The shooter had e’en better armor than

  The officer who fin’lly struck him down.”

  MACTRUMP

  Ah. Too bad.

  DONNISON

  —Protest? Where?

  MCTWEET

  —Across the river.

  DESDIVANKA

  What are the numbers like?

  MCTWEET

  —Beg pardon?

  ERICSON

  —Ah!

  DESDIVANKA

  How many dead or hurt?

  MACTRUMP

  —Yea, make report.

  If small enow, we may not have to speak.

  PUCKABEE

  Which is less work for me, the heav’ns be thank’d.

  MCTWEET

  A dozen citizens, at least, were injur’d,

  And two were kill’d. Two women, roommates both,

  Who have attended many peaceful protests,

  And both from families of immigrants—

  One callèd Marianne and one Justine.

  ERICSON

  O Lord! Ju
stine?

  DONNISON

  —And Marianne? Alas!

  How shall we bed them, if they have been slain?

  MCTWEET

  Four hundredth public shooting of the year.

  As previously, victims were defenseless,

  The killer proudly voted for MacTrump,

  And legislation shall not change a whit.

  Republicons are sharing sympathies—

  Should I send forth a message from you, too?

  MACTRUMP

  Pray do. McTweet, please tell my followers

  That House MacTrump sends out our thoughts and pray’rs.

  DESDIVANKA

  Yet only if this first report is true—

  If it is prov’n the two are persons real.

  MACTRUMP

  Ah, yes. To err with caution, daughter dear,

  Is wiser than to err with full support,

  For I have heard intelligence of late

  Suggesting so-call’d victims of mass shootings,

  Together with their so-call’d families,

  May be but crisis actors on their stage,

  Deliv’ring a performance worthy of

  Dick Burbage when he wept as ancient Lear.

  [Donnison and Ericson look sadly at each other.

  What is it, boys? Hath something made you ill?

  DONNISON

  Of course we cannot certain be, and yet

  Methinks these were no actors, they were real—

  As real as we do stand before you now.

  ERICSON

  These women two—Justine and Marianne—

  Are those selfsame to whom we lost our hearts.

  Of course, the two were liberals and mean,

  And would not give their love to us anon.

  DESDIVANKA

  O, be not too sad, brothers—as you know,

  The sea contains a school of fish.

  DONNISON

  —Not so,

  We’d rather be with ladies sweet, not fish.

  ERICSON

  And ne’er did I like school.

  DESDIVANKA

  —Ye miss the point.

  Besides, those trollops were not right for ye:

  I gander’d by the blossoms as you two

  Did hunt these wenches cheap like jungle cats.

  They shar’d obscenities about our father

  And wish’d MacMueller would destroy our name!

  You flew like flies unto the honeypot.

  MACTRUMP

  Is’t true? My sons, are these the women whom

  You wish’d to tell me of? What fops you are.

  How oft have I told you not to engage

  A lady ’less she hath already sign’d

  Our family’s strong nondisclosure contracts?

  DONNISON

  Apologies, my sis and father both—

  We had a momentary lapse of judgment,

  Which, thankfully, this slaying sets aright.

  ERICSON

 

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