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MacTrump Page 17

by Ian Doescher


  These ladies were but primer for our pumps,

  The op’ning act before the headliner,

  The appetizer ere the entrée comes.

  We’ll find another, better set of ladies,

  Who do not hate our noble father so

  And have not such foul notions in their brains.

  DONNISON

  [to Ericson:] When ladies have ideas, what good can follow?

  MACTRUMP

  For my part, I shall never trust a lass

  Who cultivates opinions by herself.

  ERICSON

  In troth, ’tis best t’avoid thought altogether.

  DONNISON

  Well spoken, Ericson! Let our minds be

  As empty as our pocketbooks are full.

  This talking hath giv’n me an appetite:

  Shall we to Hootersville, to get some wings

  And ogle all the waitresses therein?

  Therein, all know and love our family!

  ERICSON

  ’Twill perfect be, thus to reset our hearts!

  MACTRUMP

  Ha, ha, good boys!

  DESDIVANKA

  —Ye aptly play your parts.

  [Exeunt, laughing.

  SCENE 1.

  In the Oval Tower on the eve of the midterm election.

  Enter CHORUS.

  CHORUS

  The scene turns tragic—heavy are our hearts—

  As liberty and justice fall to hate.

  November brings new actors to new parts,

  As forty Democrati demonstrate.

  MacTrump, in seeking favor with his base,

  Shall never rest until he hath his wall.

  Each place he passionately makes his case,

  First “build,” then “finish” doth become the call.

  Shall he conclude the work that he began?

  And shall the staunch Republicons abet?

  Shall he fulfill the vows on which he ran?

  Or shall the Democrati block him yet?

  Our last act: harmony or revolution?

  Whate’er doth come, expect no resolution.

  [Exit Chorus.

  Enter MACTRUMP, SENATOR MITCH MACTUTTLE, and SENATOR GRIMSBY LINDSEYLOCKS.

  MACTRUMP

  [to Lindseylocks:] Close thou the door, I bid thee, Lindseylocks.

  [Lindseylocks closes the door.

  Nay, close it with thee on the other side.

  [Exit Lindseylocks.

  [To MacTuttle:] I do not understand. Why is that imp

  So kind to me of late? Why, verily,

  Are any of you? Loathe we not each other?

  MACTUTTLE

  ’Tis known as solidarity, my lord.

  Th’election shall begin in sev’ral hours.

  If we are not united, then we must

  At least appear to be.

  MACTRUMP

  —For whom? I do

  Not owe thee favors, nay! ’Tis thou who shouldst

  Bestow thy favor on MacTrump, for I—

  As though a pilot of a ship—do keep

  Thy candidates afloat. Republicons

  Like thee are wherefore I cannot construct

  The wall my people want. Ye could not e’en

  Destroy O’Bamacare. What is the matter?

  Dost thou propose to win through epic failure,

  Or art thou just incompetence complete?

  MACTUTTLE

  Yet, Master President, we’re confident

  We’ll keep the Northern Chamber.

  MACTRUMP

  —Confident?

  We should be on the offense, barnacle!

  McTweet, come hither now!

  Enter MCTWEET.

  MCTWEET

  —Good even, sir.

  How goes that migrant caravan you conjur’d?

  MACTRUMP

  Quit jesting, featherweight, and tell this turtle

  How we are faring in the Senate race.

  MCTWEET

  One moment, please.

  [McTweet shuffles through papers.

  MACTRUMP

  —Be faster. How goes it?

  MCTWEET

  Much like a dodo in a caucus race.

  MACTUTTLE

  Methinks we’ll capture some six Senate seats.

  MCTWEET

  According to the numbers I behold,

  It shall be more like two or one.

  MACTUTTLE

  —Thou’rt wrong.

  MCTWEET

  Art thou so sure? These pages came from thine

  Own canvassers. Seest thou the elephant?

  [McTweet shows the pages to MacTuttle. Outraged, MacTuttle snatches them and stuffs them in his pocket.

  MACTUTTLE

  Lies, Master President—disgusting lies!

  MCTWEET

  [smiling:] O? What else have you got there in thy pocket?

  MACTRUMP

  Enow of this. What of the Southern Chamber—

  Shall the Republicons still hold the House?

  MCTWEET

  It doth depend. Is Prosperosi still

  A staunch Republicon?

  MACTUTTLE

  —Was she e’er?

  MCTWEET

  —Nay!

  [Exit McTweet, laughing.

  MACTRUMP

  [to MacTuttle:] He did not even ask me for a tweet.

  Know’st thou how awkward that doth make me seem?

  MACTUTTLE

  Lord President MacTrump, as long as we

  Control the Northern Chamber, Prosperosi

  Shall never have the pow’r to stop us from

  Confirming judges popular withal

  The party ranks.

  MACTRUMP

  —What good will that do us

  If, soon, our party cedes the Southern Chamber?

  Thou art far in above thy head, MacTwerp.

  Thy recklessness has galvaniz’d our foes!

  My caddy could conduct the Northern Chamber

  With far more skill than thee. If thou’rt not careful,

  I may just fire thee!

  MACTUTTLE

  —Master President,

  You do not have that pow’r.

  MACTRUMP

  —What didst thou say,

  MacButthole?

  MACTUTTLE

  —Master President, there is

  A separation of the pow’rs within

  Our government for moments such as this.

  You don’t have the power to remove

  Me from my post, though I maintain and wield

  The power to remove you, sir, from yours.

  MACTRUMP

  Who sayeth so? Where is such nonsense written?

  MACTUTTLE

  The Constitution of th’United Fiefdoms.

  In Article the First, in Section Three.

  I have it here for reading, if you wish.

  [MacTuttle pulls a copy of the Constitution from his pocket.

  MACTRUMP

  Think’st thou dost pose a threat, vain turtledove?

  MACTUTTLE

  Make me not teach you suffering, MacTrump.

  I am an expert in it—always was.

  When I was but a child, a horrid sickness

  Near robb’d me of the strength to use my legs.

  My parents gave up all they own’d to save me.

  It nearly ruin’d them. Behold me now.

 
Their sacrifices are what brought me here,

  More powerful upon my feet than you

  Behind your desk. Should Prosperosi seize

  The Southern Chamber, then shall the decision

  Of whether to remove you from this castle

  And send you to MacMueller rest with me.

  [MacTuttle puts the Constitution in his pocket.

  The Northern Chamber’s mine, my lord, and all

  Our senators would gladly vote for your

  Removal and replacement with Lord Pound

  In less time than it takes a man to nod.

  So please, MacTrump, do try to think for once

  About the enemies you’re quick to make.

  MACTRUMP

  [narrowing his eyes:] Who told you this word?

  MACTUTTLE

  —What word?

  MACTRUMP

  —“Suffering”—

  The interesting word thou didst employ.

  Did someone order thee to speak the word?

  It soundeth so familiar to mine ears.

  MACTUTTLE

  What do you mean by that?

  MACTRUMP

  —I think thou knowest

  Exactly what I mean.

  MACTUTTLE

  —You are in jest.

  MACTRUMP

  Appear I like my jester Fooliani?

  If thou think’st we must masquerade as friends,

  Pray, tell me more about this suffering.

  MACTUTTLE

  What is this game you play?

  MACTRUMP

  —Nay, ’tis no game.

  Tell me, MacTuttle, how it made thee feel

  When thou didst lose the strength thou once enjoy’dst.

  MACTUTTLE

  I have no time for this.

  [MacTuttle moves toward the doors.

  MACTRUMP

  —Guards!

  Enter two GUARDS. MacTuttle freezes.

  GUARD 1

  —Yes, my lord?

  MACTRUMP

  My friend and I are planning to discuss

  His feeble legs. [To MacTuttle:] Wilt thou continue, sir?

  [MacTuttle is speechless.

  I see. The frighten’d turtle must be shy.

  Please, grant us privacy.

  GUARD 2

  —Yes, sovereign.

  [Exit guards.

  MACTRUMP

  Thou’st serv’d in Washingtown for far too long,

  Which warp’d thine eyesight like the slimy fishbowl

  In which thou wert conceivèd. I know how

  This swamptown works more than the senators

  Thou dost surround thyself with; ’tis an act,

  A silly circus where the sideshow freaks

  Earn fraudulent election to the jobs

  No one in their right mind would ever want.

  Thou hast no pow’r because no one desires

  To be like thee. Thou hast no following,

  No devotees, no soldiers. Thou couldst not

  Fill up a rally held inside a shoebox.

  Thou couldst not even hold O’Bama to

  A single term. Why dost thou think I shall

  Be easier? Toad, thou couldst not remove

  Me if thou tried’st! Now ev’rything makes sense:

  Thou art the reason why Putain told me

  To make thy wife one of my secretaries.

  ’Twas not so she would serve me, nay. It was

  So she would have the might to serve me thee!

  MACTUTTLE

  Do not presume to speak of her again.

  MACTRUMP

  Who? Mine own minister of transportation?

  O, foolish man, a child who reckons sums

  Would have no trouble figuring your totals—

  You both are losers, stuck in my employ!

  If thou dost threaten me again, I’ll call

  MacMueller, thereupon to talk about

  The strange behavior that my daughter notic’d

  Betwixt thy wife and thine own Senate office

  The moment she hath started working here.

  I know of ev’ry wicked backdoor dealing

  That thou and thy base wife do for thy contracts

  Within thy backwoods, thistle-chewing fiefdom.

  ’Tis wherefore thou art such a knave, MacTuttle.

  With thine experience, thou knowest how

  To take on Democrati politicians,

  But would not last one round against MacTrump.

  An Army and a Navy I command,

  With followers enow to conquer countries.

  Pray tell, what dost thou have? A constitution?

  If thy great constitution held true pow’r,

  ’Twould not have one like me defending it.

  MACTUTTLE

  Forgive me, sir, perhaps I did misspeak—

  MACTRUMP

  Nay, nay, methinks thou spakest candidly,

  And now I finally do understand thee.

  Be gone, and back to hell now, tattletale.

  Thou hast a wall to build, with one or two

  New senators to help thee do the task.

  So get it done.

  MACTUTTLE

  —The Democrati won’t

  Allow you to construct your brazen wall.

  MACTRUMP

  Then it is well they’re not in power yet.

  The clock doth tick, MacTuttle—build my wall;

  Or I shall close the government until

  Thou dost.

  MACTUTTLE

  —Yet, ’tis impossible! You can’t

  Construct your wall without the government,

  Nor can I help if stripp’d of ev’ry power!

  MACTRUMP

  Methought thou saidst thou wert the one in charge.

  [Smiling:] Close thou the door upon thy swift way out.

  [Exit MacTuttle. MacTrump rises from his desk and walks to the center of the room.

  Ho, Gargamiller?

  Flash of light and puff of smoke.

  Enter GARGAMILLER through the trapdoor.

  GARGAMILLER

  —Fiery rose the angels,

  And as they rose a vast, deep thunder roll’d!

  [Thunder. Lightning.

  MACTRUMP

  Pray, Gargamiller, tell it to me straight:

  Dost thou have aught within your bag of tricks

  That may help us secure the Southern Chamber?

  GARGAMILLER

  [hissing:] Pray, let me see.

  Gargamiller takes a bag out of his cloak and shakes it open. Enter the trolls BLACKFACE, COULTERGEIST, GERRYMANDER, and LA CUCARACHA from the trapdoor.

  —’Tis all of them, my liege.

  MACTRUMP

  Thou hast naught new for me?

  GARGAMILLER

  —Nay, lord and master.

  MACTRUMP

  Then it appears that Prosperosi shall

  Bring down her hammer to destroy my wall.

  [Gargamiller hisses. Exeunt Gargamiller with trolls.

  Though I have shown my bluster to MacTuttle,

  The truth is that my soul is sore afeard.

  MacMueller cometh for me earnestly,

  And if he comes I must have some defense—

  The wall, as wall, is unimportant and—

  I shall admit—unnecessary, too.

  Yet as a symbol for my fervent base,

  The wall’s important as the air I breathe—

  It
is a battlement against my foes,

  A rampart for the coming skirmishes,

  The parapet on which MacTrump doth stand.

  Should foul men come beseeching my impeachment,

  I’ve need of citizens who shall demand

  The rescue of their hero, e’en MacTrump:

  The man who sav’d us from the coming hordes

  By shoring up our frightful, southern border.

  Mine ev’ry hope is built upon the wall,

  It is my strength, my refuge, and my all.

  [Exit MacTrump.

  SCENE 2.

  Desdivanka’s fortress, Washingtown, on the evening of the midterm election.

  Thunder. Raindrops. Enter DAME DESDIVANKA, dressed in black, stepping through a doorway to her bedroom patio. She turns and faces a large wooden box atop a table in her bedroom— the iObscura. The box has a thick cloak draped over it.

  DESDIVANKA

  [into iObscura, smiling:] The greatest privilege of being an

  American is having your voice heard.

  Get out and vote! Let not the rain stop you.

  Enter MCTWEET from beneath the cloak.

  MCTWEET

  Brava, my mistress! And courageous, too,

  Of thee to stand outside amid the drizzle!

  DESDIVANKA

  ’Twas nothing. Shall we have another go?

  MCTWEET

  There is no need. The iObscura captur’d

  Each word and body motion utterly.

  I am most grateful, damsel, for thy time!

  [Desdivanka steps back into her bedroom, and McTweet closes the door behind her.

  DESDIVANKA

  My thanks, and I would add some words as well.

  MCTWEET

  Indeed—what shall be written?

  [McTweet takes the quill from his cap.

  DESDIVANKA

  —“VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!”

  [McTweet writes upon a parchment.

  MCTWEET

  Of course, the “V” and “O” thing. Duly noted!

  DESDIVANKA

  Now fly, thou bird. A tempest comes anon.

  MCTWEET

  Indeed, she doth. [Bowing:] Be well. [To offstage:]

  The lady’s done!

  Enter LORD JARED KUSHREW.

  KUSHREW

  Thanks, birdie! I pray thou dost know the exit?

  MCTWEET

  I pray the lot of you will witness quite

  The exodus tonight! I’ll be the first.

  [McTweet takes the camera obscura and dons a cape. Exit McTweet.

  DESDIVANKA

  Good husband.

  KUSHREW

  —Dearest princess!

  DESDIVANKA

  —Nay. Say empress.

  KUSHREW

  Forsooth. For thou art both my queen and country.

  [They embrace.

  How goes the war?

 

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