by Ian Doescher
These ladies were but primer for our pumps,
The op’ning act before the headliner,
The appetizer ere the entrée comes.
We’ll find another, better set of ladies,
Who do not hate our noble father so
And have not such foul notions in their brains.
DONNISON
[to Ericson:] When ladies have ideas, what good can follow?
MACTRUMP
For my part, I shall never trust a lass
Who cultivates opinions by herself.
ERICSON
In troth, ’tis best t’avoid thought altogether.
DONNISON
Well spoken, Ericson! Let our minds be
As empty as our pocketbooks are full.
This talking hath giv’n me an appetite:
Shall we to Hootersville, to get some wings
And ogle all the waitresses therein?
Therein, all know and love our family!
ERICSON
’Twill perfect be, thus to reset our hearts!
MACTRUMP
Ha, ha, good boys!
DESDIVANKA
—Ye aptly play your parts.
[Exeunt, laughing.
SCENE 1.
In the Oval Tower on the eve of the midterm election.
Enter CHORUS.
CHORUS
The scene turns tragic—heavy are our hearts—
As liberty and justice fall to hate.
November brings new actors to new parts,
As forty Democrati demonstrate.
MacTrump, in seeking favor with his base,
Shall never rest until he hath his wall.
Each place he passionately makes his case,
First “build,” then “finish” doth become the call.
Shall he conclude the work that he began?
And shall the staunch Republicons abet?
Shall he fulfill the vows on which he ran?
Or shall the Democrati block him yet?
Our last act: harmony or revolution?
Whate’er doth come, expect no resolution.
[Exit Chorus.
Enter MACTRUMP, SENATOR MITCH MACTUTTLE, and SENATOR GRIMSBY LINDSEYLOCKS.
MACTRUMP
[to Lindseylocks:] Close thou the door, I bid thee, Lindseylocks.
[Lindseylocks closes the door.
Nay, close it with thee on the other side.
[Exit Lindseylocks.
[To MacTuttle:] I do not understand. Why is that imp
So kind to me of late? Why, verily,
Are any of you? Loathe we not each other?
MACTUTTLE
’Tis known as solidarity, my lord.
Th’election shall begin in sev’ral hours.
If we are not united, then we must
At least appear to be.
MACTRUMP
—For whom? I do
Not owe thee favors, nay! ’Tis thou who shouldst
Bestow thy favor on MacTrump, for I—
As though a pilot of a ship—do keep
Thy candidates afloat. Republicons
Like thee are wherefore I cannot construct
The wall my people want. Ye could not e’en
Destroy O’Bamacare. What is the matter?
Dost thou propose to win through epic failure,
Or art thou just incompetence complete?
MACTUTTLE
Yet, Master President, we’re confident
We’ll keep the Northern Chamber.
MACTRUMP
—Confident?
We should be on the offense, barnacle!
McTweet, come hither now!
Enter MCTWEET.
MCTWEET
—Good even, sir.
How goes that migrant caravan you conjur’d?
MACTRUMP
Quit jesting, featherweight, and tell this turtle
How we are faring in the Senate race.
MCTWEET
One moment, please.
[McTweet shuffles through papers.
MACTRUMP
—Be faster. How goes it?
MCTWEET
Much like a dodo in a caucus race.
MACTUTTLE
Methinks we’ll capture some six Senate seats.
MCTWEET
According to the numbers I behold,
It shall be more like two or one.
MACTUTTLE
—Thou’rt wrong.
MCTWEET
Art thou so sure? These pages came from thine
Own canvassers. Seest thou the elephant?
[McTweet shows the pages to MacTuttle. Outraged, MacTuttle snatches them and stuffs them in his pocket.
MACTUTTLE
Lies, Master President—disgusting lies!
MCTWEET
[smiling:] O? What else have you got there in thy pocket?
MACTRUMP
Enow of this. What of the Southern Chamber—
Shall the Republicons still hold the House?
MCTWEET
It doth depend. Is Prosperosi still
A staunch Republicon?
MACTUTTLE
—Was she e’er?
MCTWEET
—Nay!
[Exit McTweet, laughing.
MACTRUMP
[to MacTuttle:] He did not even ask me for a tweet.
Know’st thou how awkward that doth make me seem?
MACTUTTLE
Lord President MacTrump, as long as we
Control the Northern Chamber, Prosperosi
Shall never have the pow’r to stop us from
Confirming judges popular withal
The party ranks.
MACTRUMP
—What good will that do us
If, soon, our party cedes the Southern Chamber?
Thou art far in above thy head, MacTwerp.
Thy recklessness has galvaniz’d our foes!
My caddy could conduct the Northern Chamber
With far more skill than thee. If thou’rt not careful,
I may just fire thee!
MACTUTTLE
—Master President,
You do not have that pow’r.
MACTRUMP
—What didst thou say,
MacButthole?
MACTUTTLE
—Master President, there is
A separation of the pow’rs within
Our government for moments such as this.
You don’t have the power to remove
Me from my post, though I maintain and wield
The power to remove you, sir, from yours.
MACTRUMP
Who sayeth so? Where is such nonsense written?
MACTUTTLE
The Constitution of th’United Fiefdoms.
In Article the First, in Section Three.
I have it here for reading, if you wish.
[MacTuttle pulls a copy of the Constitution from his pocket.
MACTRUMP
Think’st thou dost pose a threat, vain turtledove?
MACTUTTLE
Make me not teach you suffering, MacTrump.
I am an expert in it—always was.
When I was but a child, a horrid sickness
Near robb’d me of the strength to use my legs.
My parents gave up all they own’d to save me.
It nearly ruin’d them. Behold me now.
Their sacrifices are what brought me here,
More powerful upon my feet than you
Behind your desk. Should Prosperosi seize
The Southern Chamber, then shall the decision
Of whether to remove you from this castle
And send you to MacMueller rest with me.
[MacTuttle puts the Constitution in his pocket.
The Northern Chamber’s mine, my lord, and all
Our senators would gladly vote for your
Removal and replacement with Lord Pound
In less time than it takes a man to nod.
So please, MacTrump, do try to think for once
About the enemies you’re quick to make.
MACTRUMP
[narrowing his eyes:] Who told you this word?
MACTUTTLE
—What word?
MACTRUMP
—“Suffering”—
The interesting word thou didst employ.
Did someone order thee to speak the word?
It soundeth so familiar to mine ears.
MACTUTTLE
What do you mean by that?
MACTRUMP
—I think thou knowest
Exactly what I mean.
MACTUTTLE
—You are in jest.
MACTRUMP
Appear I like my jester Fooliani?
If thou think’st we must masquerade as friends,
Pray, tell me more about this suffering.
MACTUTTLE
What is this game you play?
MACTRUMP
—Nay, ’tis no game.
Tell me, MacTuttle, how it made thee feel
When thou didst lose the strength thou once enjoy’dst.
MACTUTTLE
I have no time for this.
[MacTuttle moves toward the doors.
MACTRUMP
—Guards!
Enter two GUARDS. MacTuttle freezes.
GUARD 1
—Yes, my lord?
MACTRUMP
My friend and I are planning to discuss
His feeble legs. [To MacTuttle:] Wilt thou continue, sir?
[MacTuttle is speechless.
I see. The frighten’d turtle must be shy.
Please, grant us privacy.
GUARD 2
—Yes, sovereign.
[Exit guards.
MACTRUMP
Thou’st serv’d in Washingtown for far too long,
Which warp’d thine eyesight like the slimy fishbowl
In which thou wert conceivèd. I know how
This swamptown works more than the senators
Thou dost surround thyself with; ’tis an act,
A silly circus where the sideshow freaks
Earn fraudulent election to the jobs
No one in their right mind would ever want.
Thou hast no pow’r because no one desires
To be like thee. Thou hast no following,
No devotees, no soldiers. Thou couldst not
Fill up a rally held inside a shoebox.
Thou couldst not even hold O’Bama to
A single term. Why dost thou think I shall
Be easier? Toad, thou couldst not remove
Me if thou tried’st! Now ev’rything makes sense:
Thou art the reason why Putain told me
To make thy wife one of my secretaries.
’Twas not so she would serve me, nay. It was
So she would have the might to serve me thee!
MACTUTTLE
Do not presume to speak of her again.
MACTRUMP
Who? Mine own minister of transportation?
O, foolish man, a child who reckons sums
Would have no trouble figuring your totals—
You both are losers, stuck in my employ!
If thou dost threaten me again, I’ll call
MacMueller, thereupon to talk about
The strange behavior that my daughter notic’d
Betwixt thy wife and thine own Senate office
The moment she hath started working here.
I know of ev’ry wicked backdoor dealing
That thou and thy base wife do for thy contracts
Within thy backwoods, thistle-chewing fiefdom.
’Tis wherefore thou art such a knave, MacTuttle.
With thine experience, thou knowest how
To take on Democrati politicians,
But would not last one round against MacTrump.
An Army and a Navy I command,
With followers enow to conquer countries.
Pray tell, what dost thou have? A constitution?
If thy great constitution held true pow’r,
’Twould not have one like me defending it.
MACTUTTLE
Forgive me, sir, perhaps I did misspeak—
MACTRUMP
Nay, nay, methinks thou spakest candidly,
And now I finally do understand thee.
Be gone, and back to hell now, tattletale.
Thou hast a wall to build, with one or two
New senators to help thee do the task.
So get it done.
MACTUTTLE
—The Democrati won’t
Allow you to construct your brazen wall.
MACTRUMP
Then it is well they’re not in power yet.
The clock doth tick, MacTuttle—build my wall;
Or I shall close the government until
Thou dost.
MACTUTTLE
—Yet, ’tis impossible! You can’t
Construct your wall without the government,
Nor can I help if stripp’d of ev’ry power!
MACTRUMP
Methought thou saidst thou wert the one in charge.
[Smiling:] Close thou the door upon thy swift way out.
[Exit MacTuttle. MacTrump rises from his desk and walks to the center of the room.
Ho, Gargamiller?
Flash of light and puff of smoke.
Enter GARGAMILLER through the trapdoor.
GARGAMILLER
—Fiery rose the angels,
And as they rose a vast, deep thunder roll’d!
[Thunder. Lightning.
MACTRUMP
Pray, Gargamiller, tell it to me straight:
Dost thou have aught within your bag of tricks
That may help us secure the Southern Chamber?
GARGAMILLER
[hissing:] Pray, let me see.
Gargamiller takes a bag out of his cloak and shakes it open. Enter the trolls BLACKFACE, COULTERGEIST, GERRYMANDER, and LA CUCARACHA from the trapdoor.
—’Tis all of them, my liege.
MACTRUMP
Thou hast naught new for me?
GARGAMILLER
—Nay, lord and master.
MACTRUMP
Then it appears that Prosperosi shall
Bring down her hammer to destroy my wall.
[Gargamiller hisses. Exeunt Gargamiller with trolls.
Though I have shown my bluster to MacTuttle,
The truth is that my soul is sore afeard.
MacMueller cometh for me earnestly,
And if he comes I must have some defense—
The wall, as wall, is unimportant and—
I shall admit—unnecessary, too.
Yet as a symbol for my fervent base,
The wall’s important as the air I breathe—
It
is a battlement against my foes,
A rampart for the coming skirmishes,
The parapet on which MacTrump doth stand.
Should foul men come beseeching my impeachment,
I’ve need of citizens who shall demand
The rescue of their hero, e’en MacTrump:
The man who sav’d us from the coming hordes
By shoring up our frightful, southern border.
Mine ev’ry hope is built upon the wall,
It is my strength, my refuge, and my all.
[Exit MacTrump.
SCENE 2.
Desdivanka’s fortress, Washingtown, on the evening of the midterm election.
Thunder. Raindrops. Enter DAME DESDIVANKA, dressed in black, stepping through a doorway to her bedroom patio. She turns and faces a large wooden box atop a table in her bedroom— the iObscura. The box has a thick cloak draped over it.
DESDIVANKA
[into iObscura, smiling:] The greatest privilege of being an
American is having your voice heard.
Get out and vote! Let not the rain stop you.
Enter MCTWEET from beneath the cloak.
MCTWEET
Brava, my mistress! And courageous, too,
Of thee to stand outside amid the drizzle!
DESDIVANKA
’Twas nothing. Shall we have another go?
MCTWEET
There is no need. The iObscura captur’d
Each word and body motion utterly.
I am most grateful, damsel, for thy time!
[Desdivanka steps back into her bedroom, and McTweet closes the door behind her.
DESDIVANKA
My thanks, and I would add some words as well.
MCTWEET
Indeed—what shall be written?
[McTweet takes the quill from his cap.
DESDIVANKA
—“VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!”
[McTweet writes upon a parchment.
MCTWEET
Of course, the “V” and “O” thing. Duly noted!
DESDIVANKA
Now fly, thou bird. A tempest comes anon.
MCTWEET
Indeed, she doth. [Bowing:] Be well. [To offstage:]
The lady’s done!
Enter LORD JARED KUSHREW.
KUSHREW
Thanks, birdie! I pray thou dost know the exit?
MCTWEET
I pray the lot of you will witness quite
The exodus tonight! I’ll be the first.
[McTweet takes the camera obscura and dons a cape. Exit McTweet.
DESDIVANKA
Good husband.
KUSHREW
—Dearest princess!
DESDIVANKA
—Nay. Say empress.
KUSHREW
Forsooth. For thou art both my queen and country.
[They embrace.
How goes the war?