Trust I Seek

by Laura Gates

  In her peripheral, Evie saw Beau. “Hey!” she said. “Hey,” Beau said back, “do you do that every night with your kids?”

  “Yes. I’ve been singing that same lullaby to both of them since they were born. I like to think that the lullaby helped sleep-train my kids, although who knows? They’ve always been good sleepers. I got lucky,” Evie said. Beau nodded his head in fascination.

  Suddenly, he remembered what he needed to talk to her about. “Oh, we are going back into the studio in two days,” Beau said.

  “Really?” Evie asked, “Are you ready?”

  “As ready as ever. I’m a little nervous,” Beau responded.

  “Well, were you nervous the first time?” Evie asked, referring to Beau’s first spat with recovery.

  Beau nodded his head. “But then I fell in love with music all over again,” he said.

  “Well, remember that feeling, and I bet you will have the same experience. Maybe it will be better,” Evie said before walking into the kitchen.

  Beau watched her walk, finding her insights very helpful. He soon followed. “What time will you be available in two days?” he asked.

  “A little after noon. I have a meeting with Beau’s teachers,” Evie said after turning back around.

  “Is he okay?” Beau asked.

  “Just needs a little extra support that his teachers are offering,” Evie said.

  “Okay. How much longer are you going to be here at the studio? Not that we don’t mind having you, just wondering,” Beau said.

  “I don't know. I'm trying to find a place close to the studio, but everything is just so expensive," Evie said.

  "Well, I know some people around here who could give you a fair price on rent. What's your budget?" Beau asked.

  Evie hesitated to answer, but eventually she said, "$3,000."

  The number surprised Beau. "That's all you can afford? That would get you two bedrooms at the most! Do we need to pay you more?" Beau asked, a little shocked.

  "No, I'll be fine. I just suddenly got slammed with a bunch of debt as a result of my divorce, so I need to make some compromises on housing for right now," Evie said.

  "But you shouldn't have to. I can help you, and we can give you a raise so you can pay off your debt and live comfortably. We don't want you to have to share a studio apartment with your kids," Beau said.

  "That's okay. I need to figure this out on my own. Thanks, though," Evie said.

  "Why won't you let me help you?" Beau asked.

  "Because I'm not a charity case. I'm perfectly capable of being the nurturer and provider for my children," Evie said with much gusto before walking past Beau towards towards the second living room.

  Beau began to be a little annoyed. She is stubborn, he thought. He thought about pursuing the conversation more, but Beau he remembered what it was like dealing with a stubborn girl. Phoebe's determination often turned into stubbornness, and Beau dealt with it throughout his marriage. Even though it was annoying, stubbornness was a quality he admired about Phoebe.

  He walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth. On his way back to the audio room, he overheard someone talking in the kitchen. "What do you mean there's an outstanding balance? I paid it last week!" Evie said, sounding defeated. She must have gone back to the kitchen, Beau thought. "No, please. Don't do that. I'll just have to figure something out."

  Beau peered around the corner and watched Evie set her phone down on the table. Sitting in a chair, she rested her head into her hands and began to cry. Beau continued to watch her cry, wipe her face, pick her phone back up, and make another phone call. "Hey, Mr. Cho! It's Evie Long. I was wondering if you received...." She paused and listened to her phone. "Oh, I didn't get it? All right. Thank you. Maybe next time," Evie said, hanging up her phone and crying again. This time, Evie laid her head down on the table and continued to cry.

  After what seemed like five minutes of crying, Beau finally saw Evie stop moving and crying. He realized she had fallen asleep. He walked into the kitchen, picked the woman up, and laid her on one of the couches in the first living room by the kitchen. He found a blanket and laid it over her. Evie stayed asleep the entire time, impressing Beau. She needs help, Beau said. He could see her drowning. Beau resolved to help her out in any way he could.

  Two days later, Luke, Kade, and Rick were looking forward to the day when Beau Halstead felt well enough to come back to work. Beau looked forward to the day as well. He walked into the equipment room of the studio and picked up is ESP EXplorer custom-made chrome guitar. Beau remembered the first time back at the studio five years ago picking up that guitar after a ten-month absence from working.

  Just like it did then, playing that guitar while it was set to his settings on the amp was the happiest he had felt in a long time. Luke went back to sit on his throne, Kade picked up his guitar, and Rick started to pedal a note supporting the riff Beau was playing. Luke began an accompanying beat as Death Toll continued their songwriting. After that, Kade joined in. All four of them looked across the room at each other with big smiles on their faces.

  Meanwhile, Evie was on her way back from an IEP meeting with Levi’s teachers about his behavior, some goals they all had set for him, and words of encouragement that she really was doing a fantastic job raising Levi despite all the changes he was going through with moving to a new city and the negative effect his absent father had on him. Jude made it clear that his only role in his son’s life was a financial one, and Evie had a feeling Levi knew that. Harper was with Evie at the meeting because she still didn't know anyone well enough to ask for help to watch Harper, and she missed half of the meeting mentally because she was trying to get her sassy toddler to sit still so she could focus on the teachers.

  Evie held back tears as she drove towards San Rafael over the Richmond-San Rafael Bridge. After the IEP, she needed to go run an errand in Oakland before heading back to the studio. Suddenly, traffic stopped. Evie figured it was a car accident. She watched a lot of drivers climb out of their cars to see what was going on, so Evie did the same. She quickly walked over to the railing side to see if she could see how devastating the accident was. All she saw were emergency lights flashing ten to fifteen cars ahead.

  She looked out over the water admiring the glassy effect and reflection all the way to the other side of the bay, and a horrible thought came to her head as she looked down; You are a terrible mother. You should jump off this bridge. More tears came down her cheeks as she walked closer to the railing, but she could not stop staring at the water. She was hemorrhaging failure at every corner. She couldn’t find a balance between working and motherhood. She was sinking, much like if she were to jump off the bridge.

  As she got even closer to the railing, Levi’s and Harper’s faces came to her head, but then that awful voice in her head came back again; Those kids are better off without you. They should be with their father. Evie was now sobbing at the ridiculous thought, but she still couldn’t stop staring at the water. What is bringing on these awful thoughts, she asked herself, but she already knew the answer.

  Jude had called the previous night again, reminding her that she had lost who she really was. He taunted her and said, “So, have you met anyone, yet? Of course you haven’t. You’re a mom, not the free-spirited girl I knew when we first met. Plus, when was the last time you got all dolled up and sexy? Who would find you sexy after knowing you pushed two kids out of your body? Your body is wrecked.”

  Evie cried as she remembered the deep wound the words left inside her. But as kept on picturing Levi and Harper’s faces, Evie ran away from the railing and climbed back into her car, buckling her seatbelt, ensuring more barriers between her and her suicidal thoughts. “You okay, Mommy?” Levi asked. “I’m fine, Bub. I thought I saw something in the water,” she quickly responded.

  After sitting in a stand-still traffic jam for ten minutes, cars finally started moving, and Evie proceeded to San Rafael with both kids in the back of her Kia Optima. As The Wheels On the Bus
played in the background, Evie continued pondering her life choices and her kids’ well-being. What would Jude do if the kids were with him, she thought. He seemed preoccupied with his life at the moment, so Evie assumed he would have hired another nanny to raise and possibly copulate with once the kids were in bed.

  Never before had Evie’s confidence been so shaken than when she walked in on Jude and Carmen with both kids at her side. She quickly shoved that memory down inside her. She hated how Jude made her feel. Evie knew she had to figure out solutions and healthier behaviors, or else she would eventually jump off that bridge.

  Meanwhile, Beau began playing another riff he came up with in rehab. It was in the key of Eb, and the notes sounded very bluesy. The others began freaking out at the sound and loved it. Luke started fiddling with his drum set to see if he could make it sound different, but he couldn’t think of anything.

  As the band revered the new riff, Evie set the kids up in the toy room. Evie grabbed some toys for Harper and the table and chairs for Levi to sit at to do a writing assignment. “Bub, where’s your homework?” Evie asked. “I don’t know,” Levi replied.

  “Okay, where was the last place you remember having it?”

  “Over my shoulders.”

  “Okay, what room?” Evie was getting frustrated with her kid. Why must you lose everything, she yelled in her head at Levi.

  Levi paused and began thinking. “I think I left it in the kitchen,” he responded.

  “All right. I will go get it. Can I trust you to stay here with your sister?”

  “Yes.” Levi rolled his eyes.

  “Bub, let’s try to have a better attitude today. I’m frustrated with how today went as well, but we can try to have a good day, still.”

  “Okay.” Levi didn’t sound convinced.

  On her way to the kitchen, Evie went into her room to take a deep breath. Okay, everyone is having a bad day. Just get through it, and it will be fine, she thought to herself. She took a few more deep breaths before leaving her room.

  Suddenly, Evie’s brain went blank. Why did I walk down this hallway, Evie yelled at herself, what did I come this way for? Because of the previous night’s sleep, Evie had a hard time thinking straight. Did I need a snack? Did Harper need a drink? Did Levi… Levi left his homework in the kitchen! Ugh, stupid Mom Brain, Evie exclaimed in her head as she rushed towards the kitchen.

  As Evie walked past the equipment room, she overheard the band jamming as well as this snappy bluesy riff. She really liked it, but she could tell there was some controversy between Luke, Beau, Kade, and Rick about the drum set. “It just sounds so stale,” Luke said. Evie agreed. She understood that today was a big day for everyone with Beau being back, and Luke wanted to change up the drum set sound to celebrate the big day. They want to remember his first day back on the record, she thought.

  She walked into the equipment room as the band continued to discuss what they could do differently to make this song pop. “I can’t figure it out,” Luke said, pointing to his drum set, “how can we make this song stand out?” Beau, Luke, Rick, and Kade gathered around one of Beau’s amps to discuss what they could do differently for this song. Evie walked over to the drum set without anyone noticing, and she turned the snares off on the snare drum. The snares made a loud crash, causing everyone to jump and look at her.

  “Try that,” she said, standing up. Luke walked back to his drum set and sat down. He played a few paradiddles, and he heard the difference. It wasn’t the traditional sound the band was accustomed to, but he really liked it The snare drum had a hollow sound to it. Beau thought it was original. “You just turned off the snares?” Luke asked. “Yep, and I think the song will sound the way you want it to,” Evie said before walking out of the room. Beau began playing the riff again, and Luke soon joined him playing lots of flams on the snare and offbeats on the hi-hat.

  Both men smiled at each other before turning to Evie. She smiled back at them. “This is awe-inspiring. Thank you,” Beau said. “You’re welcome. When I taught band in Baltimore, I often had my drummers turn off the snares for a more hollow sound. I could tell that’s what you wanted,” Evie grinned. “Thanks again. Go ahead and go back to what you were doing,” Luke said. “Crap, what was I doing?” Evie vocalized, not realizing she said her thought out loud. They all looked at her. “What were you doing?” Rick asked. “I don’t know! I was walking towards the kitchen for something, and I overheard you guys playing, and…” Evie stammered through her words, trying to figure out what she was doing in the first place.

  Suddenly, she exclaimed, “Homework! Levi left his homework in the kitchen. All right, I’m good,” Evie reassured everyone in the room, including herself. Death Toll just stared at her, wondering if she was a little crazy. “Are you okay?” Beau finally asked. “Yeah, I’m fine. When I don’t get a lot of sleep, my Mom Brain gets really bad,” Evie said. “Mom Brain?” Kade asked. “Hey, all women have it including Laila. You try keeping up with children all day and a full-time job on about four hours of sleep. Not easy,” Evie defended as she walked out of the audio room. Death Toll laughed and resumed playing the song, writing down the notes and the form and solidified the sound. Once their foundation was built, they sat their instruments down again, and they grabbed notepads and pens.

  After grabbing Levi’s homework from the kitchen, Evie walked back into the toy room where the kids were at, resolving to get some work done. She juggled phone calls to venues and radio stations all while trying to give her kids attention. Levi had been acting out all day because he knew his negative behavior was receiving attention from everyone around him. Harper wanted her mom to hold her, read her books, and cuddle with her blankie. Evie was feeling stretched out particularly thin this day. Breaking point had come and gone once already, but it was approaching again. It was about 2:30, and Harper missed her nap because of the IEP meeting. Evie prayed for 4:00 when the workday would be over. Her kids were going to bed at 6 PM that night, she resolved.

  Meanwhile, Death Toll moved into the audio room and began jotting down some thoughts on lyrics. Kade used some of his own free spirit zen beliefs of dukkha as he wrote down his thoughts; birth is pain, life is pain, death is pain, and it’s all the same.

  The axioms jarred a bunch of ideas and thoughts Beau had over the past few months about his old lifestyle. He remembered all the days he wasted in the past and even months ago being drunk, hungover, waking up in a stranger’s bed, playing the music he loves, and holding the band back from completing their album. Suddenly, words began flowing to his brain, and Beau wrote them down. In his lyrics, he talked about if he had a chance to relive the past few months again, would he do it differently? Or would he continue to live the same old mundane, repetitive, boring, self-destructive lifestyle he knew?

  While in rehab, he often wondered if Karma was a real thing because everything terrible he did would come back to bite him. It happened as well when he would do something good, but rather than bite him, those good deeds would benefit him. More lyrics started flowing, and he questioned if he had enough faith in himself to stay away from alcohol and other abusive substances as well as deal with the abandonment issues he had throughout his whole life. Then the answer became clear; you either do or don’t.

  A crazy catchy word-turned-into-a-phrase came to mind because he remembered feeling this way when he was drunk, hungover, in a stranger’s bed, and wasting his valuable time alive. He quickly wrote it down and knew it would be incorporated into the title of the song. Finally, when the band members began sharing lyric ideas, Beau read Kade’s, which inspired some more lyrics that came to mind, which reminded him he had to keep on bettering himself and finding ways to live more healthily. All four of them began piecing together the lyrics to form verses and choruses, but they noticed they needed one more verse, but everyone was coming up blank. They at least had a name for the song, Frantic.

  Just as Beau was about to suggest taking a five-minute break, the door to the audio room swung op
en, and Levi and Harper came running inside like wild hyenas. Beau’s instant reflex was to catch Levi. Kade snatched Harper. “Hey there, little man! Whatcha doing?” Beau asked in a playful way, “Where’s your mom?” Beau began tickling and wrestling with Levi as Kade showed Harper that his fingernails were painted black. She oohed and awed. “Do to me!” Harper said before the whole band burst into laughter with how cute that sounded. Suddenly, Evie appeared with fumes coming out of her nose and ears.

  Death Toll suddenly became very afraid of this mother. “Levi,” Evie said very quietly, but extremely terrifying, “I need to talk to you.” Beau suddenly felt bad for the kid. “Hey, Levi, let’s follow your mom into the living room,” he said, hoping he could help out. Levi grabbed Beau’s hand and walked with him into the first living room. Evie followed behind, hoping whatever Beau had to say would help her son.

  “Levi, you are such a good kid, but it seems like your mom needs you to stay in the living room while we’re working,” Beau said very kindly but firm. “Why?” Levi asked. “Because your mom asked you to. That’s all that matters. You need to make sure you listen to your parents, especially when they love you as much as your mom loves you,” Beau said with a smile. “Does that mean I need to listen to my dad, too?” Levi asked. The question stumped Beau. “Yes,” Evie chimed in, “because he loves you, too.” “No, he doesn’t,” Levi mumbled before going off to play.

  Beau found Levi’s attitude towards his dad peculiar. “What did he mean, ‘No, he doesn’t?’ Has Jude mistreated Levi and Harper," he asked.

  Evie shook her head. “It’s nothing, really,” Evie said, trying to keep her cool. The last thing she wanted was to lose her cool in front of Beau.