Trust I Seek

by Laura Gates

  “What’s going on with Levi? I know he is a smart kid. We’ve heard him practice his math problems on our breaks in the kitchen. Did I do anything wrong? Have you been crying?” Beau asked a million questions.

  “I’m fine, and no, you didn’t do anything wrong. For the longest time, he has been having major behavioral problems at school even before we moved here. His dad would often just yell at him and blame me for his bad behavior rather than step up to be a father and follow through with discipline. Levi has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD recently, and I had to go to an IEP meeting this morning to ensure his goals for the school year were set in place,” Evie said holding back more tears. She felt like she could unload this problem on Beau.

  “Whoah, that’s a lot of acronyms. What’s an IEP?” Beau asked.

  “An individualized education plan usually for SPED kids who need extra help.”

  “SPED?” Beau asked not quite sure what the terminology was.

  “Special Education. Levi does great academically, but his teachers tell me he needs some extra help and support behavior-wise,” Evie said.

  Beau began to sympathize with her. “I had no idea. I’m sorry,” he said, “Remind me again, what is ADHD and ODD?” Beau asked.

  “Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and Oppositional Defiance Disorder,” Evie said.

  “Okay, I know what ADHD is. I think I had it as a kid. What exactly does ODD mean?” Beau asked.

  “Levi has a tendency to defy authority like teachers, parents, or any adult who tells him they are in charge more than a regular child, and it's been causing lots of problems.”

  Beau couldn’t believe that such a smart kid could have all those problems. “Well, what can we do to help?” Beau asked.

  “Well, offering to help him is huge. Thank you. I will accept your help in this area. When you see any bad behavior, ride Levi’s butt. Follow through with what you said to him because he knows when you are serious or not. His father never followed through with his consequences, and Levi knew he wouldn’t,” Evie said.

  “All right, I can do that. Do you want the band and crew involved in this as well?” Beau asked.

  “Might as well. It takes a whole village to raise children, and it seems to me that Death Toll is our village,” Evie said.

  Beau smiled at that thought. “Well, when we are healthy, we are a powerful village,” Beau said.

  “I just wish I was more focused on the meeting today than on Harper,” Evie said.

  “I will talk to the guys to see if any of their wives can watch your kids when you need to go to important meetings or anywhere else you need to go,” Beau said.

  “Thank you. That would relieve some stress,” Evie said.

  Beau was afraid to tell Evie what he had been up to since he last talked to her. He had gone apartment hunting and found a townhouse with three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a pool about a mile away from the studio. Beau also made sure that the Master suite would be a relaxing place for Evie to unwind after working all day, taking care of the kids and Death Toll. The townhouse was relatively close to Levi's school as well. Since he knew the complex manager, Beau was able to negotiate Evie's rent down from $3500 to $2800, saving her $200 a month. Beau also spoke with Luke about the phone calls Evie made. They both agreed to give Evie a raise from $100,000 to $150,000, alleviating some of the financial stress in her life.

  "Well, speaking of relieving stress," Beau said, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a lease agreement, "I was able to find a place for you to live. I had to cosign the lease, but it just needs your signature, and I will go turn it in for you. Rent is $2800, so under budget. The townhouse is close to Levi's school as well as the studio. Also, I talked with Luke as well as some of our lawyers, and we agreed to raise your pay to $150,000 a year. We want you to feel like you're a part of the family, which you are."

  Evie had no idea what to say as she listened to Beau telling her he solved all of her problems. "I didn't ask you to do any of that," she finally said, feeling stunned, grateful, and put out all at the same time.

  "I know, but I overheard you talking on the phone a couple nights ago, and..."

  Beau was soon interrupted. "Why are you interfering with my life?" Evie asked, sounding angry.

  "Are you seriously getting mad at me for helping you? If you want, I can undo all of this, and..."

  "Fire me?!" Evie said in terror.

  "What!? No! We would never let you go. You're the best manager we've ever had. I just meant undo all the help," Beau said.

  Evie started crying again. Beau had no idea what to do. "You're right. I'm sorry. You've actually saved me from a ton of financial stress. I hate asking for help. I don't want to be a charity case to anyone," Evie said.

  "You're not. You've been trying to handle all of this on your own, but we are here to help you. You can count on us," Beau said.

  Evie wiped away the tears and said, "Thank you so much." Beau smiled.

  "You're welcome. Now, when the day is done, shall we drop off that application so that you can start moving in?" Beau asked.

  "Yes," Evie said as Beau handed her the application. She signed it, and Beau folded it back up and put the application in his pocket.

  When 4:00 hit, Evie followed Beau to the complex she would be living at. It was in a fairly safe area of San Rafael. There was a large pool, a spacious living room and kitchen, large rooms for the kids, and a nice bathroom for the kids with a tub. She was completely blown away by the Master suite. It had a fireplace, patio overlooking the canyon, a waterfall shower, and a separate soaker tub. After she and Beau signed the lease agreement, the complex manager handed Evie keys.

  "All right. The band and crew are at the storage unit waiting to move your belongings into the townhouse," Beau said. Evie was completely blown away by Beau's kindness. "Thank you so much for doing this for me," she said. "You're welcome," Beau responded.

  Chapter 5

  The Park

  Five months had passed since Beau checked into rehab. He had been out for a month. Beau sat in the first living room with Dr. Peter Bennett. It was their first session since Beau was released. "I am very impressed with how dedicated you were in rehab for the last four months and how you're following the program I made for you. What happened that made you change?" Dr. Bennett asked.

  "It was something that the new tour manager said that pulled at my heartstrings. She said, 'Don't let your family die in vain.' I suddenly started thinking about what Phoebe would have thought about all of this. I realized I would have been kicked out of my house for good, I would never see my kids again, never see my unborn baby at the time. Death Toll, my friends, all of it would be gone.

  "I remembered Phoebe's threats after I went on that hunting trip in Alaska after Cordell's birthday when my erratic behavior spun out of control. I knew this was all too familiar. I realized that even though they are not here anymore, they still love me. I didn't want to explain to Phoebe why I was being cast down to Hell while she and the kids were in Heaven. I also prayed that somehow, Phoebe would guide me or send angels to help me. I've told you I've always felt like there have been angels protecting me from all the stupid stuff I've done. I asked if Phoebe could be one of them."

  Dr. Bennett took notes while Beau talked. "I am very proud of you. You have made way more progress this time around than I expected. Take pride in that. So, what have you been doing to help manage your addictions?" Dr. Bennett asked.

  "I mainly just stay here at night until I know I’m ready for bed. My house feels too empty right now. I feel like if I went somewhere, I would be tempted to go back to the bar. I can't do that, and I don't want to do that," Beau responded.

  Dr. Bennett listened and thought of a solution. "Have you thought about spending time with other people not at a bar?" he asked.

  "The only other people I know are my band and roadies," Beau said, "and they all drink on occasion. I am too scared to be around that temptation, right now."

&nb
sp; "What about the tour manager and her family?" Dr. Bennett asked. Beau shook his head. "I've spent time with them while they stayed here, and I co-signed Evie's lease. Other than that, no."

  "It seems like they are your only option right now. Since she is with her kids, I bet she stays clear of alcohol around them. I would say try spending time with them. Aren't the kids around the same age as your kids?" Dr. Bennett asked.

  "Yeah, they are."

  "Okay. I bet it will do you some good."

  Dr. Bennett began loading up his briefcase while Beau sat down, picking at the hole in his jeans on the knee. He thought about what Pete had said. Beau had never seen Evie touch a sip of alcohol. Even when she lived at the studio while he stayed there, she didn't go near the whiskey Luke brought to share with Kade and Rick. Evie was also kind enough to ask the three of them to keep their alcohol at home as a way of keeping Beau safe. Now that she found an apartment, he had no idea what her habits were.

  Suddenly, Evie walked in. "Sorry to interrupt, but Luke needs to talk to you, Beau," she said, breaking his trance. "All right, thanks," he said. Dr. Bennett walked past her as well before turning around and asking, "How are you adjusting?"

  Evie shrugged. "Fine, I guess. Every day is a new adventure," she replied.

  "Do you need anything?" Dr. Bennett asked, sensing some unresolved issues she was holding onto. Evie hesitated to answer.

  "I understand if you're not ready. Separation and divorce are hard to process," Dr. Bennett said. "How do you know I'm divorced? I could just be a single mom who has no idea who the father of her kids is," she said.

  "You keep reaching for your wedding ring with your thumb out of habit. It must have been a huge ring. Plus, word travels fast around here about the hot new tour manager with two adorable children," Dr. Bennett concluded quoting one of the roadies. Evie was taken aback by his comment. "Not my words," Dr. Bennett said, holding up his hands. "They're probably saying that because I'm the only woman here. A man doesn't want to date a mom who pushed two humans out of her body and lost all of her adventurous nature," Evie said.

  Dr. Bennett started to get more of a feel about Evie's self-image and worth. "Why would you think that about yourself?" Dr. Bennett asked. Evie shrugged. “A friend of mine told me,” Evie said. “Whoever is saying that is not your friend. Look, whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m here,” Dr. Bennett concluded before walking out of the living room.

  Evie hadn't addressed her demons at all since she moved away. She tried very hard not to go to the awful place the demons hid where her thoughts of disappearing were. Her thoughts wandered to that terrible day she caught Jude with Carmen and the double-edged sword of words he used to cut Evie down.

  Jude's words still messed with her head and self-esteem, and the whole incident caused her children to lose respect for their dad. Since then, she tried helping her kids build trust with their father again. He would talk on the phone with them about once a week, but Jude would always ask Levi to hand the phone back to his mom, and Jude would proceed to yell at Evie for many different reasons whether it was moving so far away, taking all of their belongings, and for getting a job as a tour manager where she would be vulnerable to rejection. She would often end the day hiding her tears from the kids while they went on adventures throughout the Bay area, tucking them in bed, crying and screaming herself to sleep in her room.

  Evie quickly stopped her thoughts before they got worse. She went into the second living room where all of the kid toys, comfy couch, and large TV was. She found her kids playing with all of the toys. "Hey, guys! What do you want to do when I get off work?" she asked. "Can we go to that park again?" Levi asked. Evie nodded her head. Evie did a lot of research on parks and things to do with the kids in case they got restless or bored as well as giving her healthy outlets to release her negative thoughts. She found a park less than a mile away.

  "Absolutely," Evie said enthusiastically. The kids ran towards the front door before Evie could get a handle on the situation, but she had figured out a way to get their attention. "Everybody freeze!" Evie yelled as she got outside. Both kids stood still frozen in place. They looked up at their mom. "We need to put shoes on. I also need to get the stroller, remember," Evie concluded. Both kids walked to the shoe covey Jetta had installed for all of the kids to put shoes, backpacks in case they needed to do homework, toys, etc. Levi took his shoes and put them on while Evie helped Harper put hers on. They walked outside to the Kia, and Evie pulled the stroller out from the trunk and unfolded it. She placed Harper in the seat and buckled her. There was a spot on the stroller for Levi to ride just in case he got tired.

  Evie began pushing the stroller and walking when suddenly she heard a deep voice behind her. She turned around and realized Beau was calling after her. He overheard them leaving just as he finished his session, and wanted to avoid temptation. He rushed over to her and asked, "Can I join you? We are done for the day, and I need some fresh air." "Sure. We are just going to Gerstle Park to play. Nothing too exciting over here," Evie said. "Sounds perfect," Beau said. All four of them started on the journey to the park.

  Evie looked around at all the trees. It was the middle of August, and the leaves were very green. She noticed the colors were more vibrant than back home. The air was drier than she expected, but she knew monsoon season was approaching. The sound of occasional leaves on the sidewalk crunched underneath shoes and the stroller wheels as she pushed. Despite being from the East Coast where there was more humidity, she loved the weather and climate in the Bay area.

  Every now and then, Levi would begin to wander too far from the group, so Evie occasionally reminded him to stay close. Beau observed this cute little family interaction and decided to help out. "Hey, Levi, how about you hold my hand to help your mom keep track of you," Beau said, holding out his hand to Levi. "Why?" the little boy asked, challenging Beau's authority. "Well, do you want to be safe?" he asked the 5-year-old. "Yeah," Levi responded. "Okay, hold my hand, please. I can help you be safe," Beau said kindly but firm.

  Levi hesitated but grabbed Beau's left hand, which was covered in tattoos of letters. "Why do you have letters on your hands?" Levi asked innocently.

  "They each represent some stuff that has happened in my life," Beau responded.

  "What do they mean?" Levi asked again.

  "Well, if you look at my knuckles," Beau said as he stopped walking, kneeled down, and began pointing at the letter tattoos on his hands, "My right-hand spells the word 'riff.' Do you see that?"

  Levi started saying the letters out loud pointing at each of Beau's knuckles. "'Riff,'" Levi sounded out.

  "Now," Beau continued, "I have the word 'life' tattooed on my left hand. Can you spell that word?"

  Levi kept pointing at each letter and knuckle, "L-I-F-E."

  "Good job, Buddy," Beau praised, "that spells 'life.' Now, when you combine both hands together, what does it say?"

  Levi watched Beau put them together. He focused very hard reading the words on Beau's knuckles. "'Riff Life,'" Levi said.

  "Good job, Buddy! You are a good reader!" Beau said, giving Levi a high five.

  Levi beamed from ear to ear with pride. Then he asked, "What does it mean?"

  "I play guitar, and we tend to call sections of music on a guitar, 'riffs.' So, I play a lot of riffs as a guitarist, so I live a 'riff life," Beau explained.

  Levi laughed. "Is that kind of like a run in orchestra music, Mom?" Levi asked Evie.

  "That is exactly right. You are learning so much, Bub," Evie said.

  Levi proceeded to ask about the letters D and T with the number 98 on his right hand between his index finger and thumb. "The 'DT' stands for 'Death Toll,' and the '98' is the year Luke and I started the band," Beau responded.

  Levi absorbed the information like a sponge. "And what's that one?" Levi asked, pointing to the fancy letter P on his left hand between the index finger and thumb. "That one stands for 'Phoebe,' my wife who died in the car accident," Beau said very somb
erly. "I'm sorry," Levi said hugging Beau's leg.

  Beau was surprised at the affection, but he smiled anyway as he rubbed Levi’s back. "Hey, I'm fine. You are doing a great job cheering me up. Now, how about you grab my hand, and we walk to the park so that you and Harper can play?" Beau asked enthusiastically. Levi gasped with excitement. "Okay!" he said. Levi grabbed Beau's hand, and everyone resumed walking to the park.

  Evie had never been more grateful for any human than she was at that moment for Beau being so kind and firm with her spirited son. Beau, himself, was unsure how he felt about explaining some of his tattoos to his tour manager's son, and he was uncertain if she would approve.

  "If I crossed some sort of line…" he began to explain, but she continued, "No. It's fine. It was kind of interesting to hear the stories behind your tattoos. Plus, you were so kind to him. I don’t know very many people who explain those things to an inquisitive little boy."

  "Do you think he will ask you for a tattoo?" Beau joked.

  Evie responded, "If he does, he's not getting one until he's 18, on his own, and earning his own money."

  "Fair enough," Beau said. They smiled at each other for a moment before glancing down.

  Beau looked at the ground while Evie looked down at the stroller. "Harper, you okay, Sweetie?" Evie asked. "Yeah," they heard Harper's sweet voice. They continued walking to the park.

  When they got there, Levi immediately ran for the playground. Evie pulled Harper out of the stroller, and she ran after her brother. "Levi," Evie called out, "keep an eye on your sister, please." "I will," Levi called back.

  Evie sat down on the bench closest to the playground, and Beau sat down next to her. Evie pulled out her phone, ready to document their adventure.

  Beau noticed. "Do you take lots of pictures of your kids?" he asked.

  "I try to. Since my family lives so far away, I use social media to let them see my kids. I try to tag my ex-husband in the photos as well so that he can see them, too," she said.