Guarded Hearts

by L. A. Corvill

  “What the hell?” Tom says, a little unsteady on his feet as he steps away from Nix.

  “Man, right now I’m about to kick your sorry ass,” Nix replies angrily.

  “What the fuck are you doing to Mandy, you asshole?” I scream.

  “What? Me? She wanted this, she’s the one who brought me in here, and then she started yelling. I told her not to, that I was just giving her what she wanted. So what the hell is your fucking problem?”

  I turn to look at Mandy who looks drunk. I don’t even know what to say to her right now. “Mandy?” We all turn to look at her just to confirm.

  “We were just messing around. I don’t even know why I screamed. Sorry I scared you guys,” she apologizes, adjusting her top. She steps off the counter, but loses her balance. Nix catches her before she falls.

  “No more drinking, you had enough tonight,” he states firmly.

  “Okay, okay. I’m already going to regret it tomorrow.” She walks out of the bathroom, unsteady on her feet.

  “You,” I say, pointing to Tom. “Go home. You both have had enough tonight. I will call the DD service to pick you up.”

  “Fine,” he says, walking out towards what’s left of the party.

  Looking around, I right some of the fixtures that have been knocked over, and pick up some cups that are left around. I have a cleaning crew coming in the morning, so there is no sense in cleaning. I just wanted to pick up some things off the floor, and Nix is making sure that everyone who is drunk has a sober ride home. That makes me realize that I haven’t seen Mandy around. Huh. I make my way to the front of the house to ask Nix.

  “Hey, Olivia, awesome party. I’m about to get my treat, if you know what I mean.” Heather smirks, giving me a wink.

  Oh boy, I think to myself.

  “Oh, and by the way, Mandy is out cold on my bed. I think she took a wrong turn upstairs. But no worries, I’m staying over at John’s tonight,” she says, heading out the door with her boyfriend.

  I turn back to find Nix leading a couple out the door into the DD car. I smile to myself. This man takes my breath away every time, he’s so beautiful. He walks back in and spots me standing there, so he walks over, placing a kiss on my forehead and wraps his arms around me. I place my head on his chest, and I hear his heart beating. It feels so good being here in this moment. I don’t want the night to end. I take him by the hand and lead him upstairs to my room. My heart is pounding, but I’m craving more of his touch. I want his lips on mine, his body close to me, and the sound of his heart beating to be the last thing I hear before I fall asleep.

  We walk into my dark room that is only lit by the moon that’s peeking through the window. I shut the door behind me. I feel his hands on my hips, pulling me towards him.

  “You drive me crazy,” he growls, looking right at me, moving his hands towards my face. He pulls until our foreheads touch. I close my eyes, taking in the feeling that has my stomach in knots, but at the same time my heart is pounding hard.

  Then I feel his soft lips on mine. He slips his tongue into my mouth, and our tongues move in sync to each other. I can feel myself move into him as he is kissing me I can’t seem to be close enough; I want to be closer. He grabs a hold of my ass, lifting me up. I wrap my legs around his waist, feeling his hardness in the spot that is aching for him. My body is betraying me. I don’t know if I can go through with this, but right now it feels right, it feels so damn good. He places me back on my feet, kissing down my neck, and firmly stroking me between my thighs with his palm, giving me a squeeze with every stroke. He presses himself into me and I grab a hold of his hardness.

  I pull off his jacket and begin to unbuckle his jeans. I run my hands up his chest and down his arms, but suddenly he tenses, pulling away. Wait, what? Why is he pulling away from me? Does he not want me?

  He begins to buckle his jeans. I stand there watching, but can’t manage to say anything.

  “Olivia, we can’t do this,” he says, moving closer to me and grabbing a hold of my face with both hands. I can’t manage to look at him. I can feel the tears building, and I’m feeling unwanted.

  “Look at me,” he demands just as a tear falls. He wipes it away with his thumb, and I raise my eyes to meet his.

  “Let me explain,” he says, placing a kiss on my lips. “It’s just that I haven’t been with anyone for a long time. I want this, please don’t think I don’t. I do.”

  He pulls away from me again, so that he can pull off his shirt. I can see his tattoos, and he grabs my hand and brings it to his arm.

  “Feel this,” he tells me, running my hand down his arm. All I see are his tattoos, but I feel small bumps where the tattoos are inked.

  “Are these scars from the accident?” I ask, looking into his eyes.

  “Yes, these are my scars, my daily reminder of what I can’t be, of who I need to be, and of what I lost that night. These scars are healed, but the one that hasn’t healed is my heart. Some say time heals all wounds, but not this one,” he says placing my hand over his heart. “I have carried this for a long time and the wound has remained wide open. I don’t think I can ever heal from this. It has scarred me more deeply than these superficial scars.”

  “Is this the reason why you always wear long sleeve shirts?”

  “Yeah, it’s hard to look at them.”

  “They’re beautiful. They have made you who you are.” I lean to kiss him on his lips and wrap my arms around him. We walk over to my bed, and he helps me undress, leaving only my bra and panties on as we slip under the covers. Tonight isn’t going to be about getting hot and heavy; it’s about us finding comfort in each other’s arms. I turn to my side as he moves in behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. We don’t say another word, and all I can hear is his heart beating against my ear as I drift off to sleep.

  Since things became official between Nix and I, it seems that we never have time to spend together between our classes, his job, and my responsibilities as President of S.O.S. Our alone time is comprised of stolen moments that we don’t waste by talking; moments that have left me so frustrated, as well as awakening my body to sensations that have never been felt before.

  My heart wants Nix now, but my brain keeps going back to all the things I heard and saw living with my mother. I know that there are lots of things that can prevent teenage pregnancy, besides abstinence. I mean, I might not be having wild one night stands, but the girls here do talk a lot about everything. They take TMI to a whole new level. So in that aspect I think I’m covered and that shouldn’t be a factor in my virginity anymore, but the emotions, the significance that my heart might place on this event. I mean he will be my first, and that scares me.

  Everything about Nix overwhelms me. In the short period of time that we have been together he has thrown all my rules and self-discipline out the window. It’s like my life just started because he is in it now. This obsession, this addiction that I feel with every kiss, every caress that he gives binds me more to him. And I can’t have that. I can’t fall into the empty abyss of love with someone that I just met. It goes against everything that I have come to know. But they say the mighty do fall. I think I have fallen smack on my face on the concrete floor. I didn’t even stick out my hands to break the fall. That this boy is going to make me ugly cry and I will not do anything to stop it.

  My phone chimes somewhere on my bed, buried under all the clothes that are thrown on there.

  Nix: I’m out of class for the day… Be there in a few.

  Me: K!!! :)

  I start putting on my sweater and boots, since the evenings have started to get colder. Nix mentioned that tonight he is taking me to his apartment. Let’s see how long I hold out.

  “Are you headed out, Livi?” Mandy asks on her way into our bedroom.

  “Yes, Nix will be here any minute,” I say.

  “Lover boy treating you good, O?” Mandy asks.

  “Yes, we are taking things slow. Well, I’m taking things slow. He hasn’t mentio
n anything as of yet.”

  “Okay. Just remember you are not your parents. You are way better, and once he knows you he will fall deeply in love with you.”

  “Whatever, Mandy, we are just dating. I am not ready for love.” I don’t mention that I was never going to be ready for that. Mandy doesn’t understand how you can’t want love. She came from a broken home too, but there was love in hers at least.

  I hear the doorbell ring. I know that it is Nix, because no one ever uses it. I make my way out of the bedroom and run downstairs. I as get to the bottom, Kylie is already opening the door.

  “Hey, gorgeous, how are you?” Kylie asks Nix. She has never made it a secret that she thinks he is hot.

  “Good. And you?” Nix blushes. He hates the attention, especially from women. This is ironic as, he is drop your-panties-and-everything-else gorgeous. And he is mine.

  “Excellent. So whenever you decided to drop Olivia, call me,” Kylie flirts, wrapping her finger in her hair. One of these days I am going to cut her hair if she continues to say those things.

  “Stop flirting with the taken man, Kylie, and go look for your own,” I tell her with enough venom to make her take a step back. I like Kylie because she helped me a lot when I became president of the Sorority, but I will cut the bitch if she messes with what’s mine. Wait, where that thought come from? I am not a possessive girl. Well, I never had been before.

  “Hey, O, looking beautiful as always,” Nix says as he gives me a quick kiss.

  Tonight is the night. If Nix doesn’t care about being together without any feelings aside from the lust I feel then I’m ready to be his. We make our way towards the car, but not before I turn and give Kylie a wink before I take Nix’s lips again in a deeper kiss. Hey, a girl has to mark her territory somehow.

  “Hungry?” Nix asks, a little breathless and with hooded eyes.

  “Yes,” I reply.

  We walk into his apartment after picking up some Chinese for dinner. The only light is coming from the lamp in his living room that only has a leather sofa, a wooden coffee table, and a huge big screen mounted on the wall. The walls are bare. Wonder if I have a right to ask about that.

  “Tour first or food?” Nix asks as we head towards the kitchen. “This is the kitchen and dining area, we just walked through the living room.” He spreads his arms out and does a full circle. His kitchen is super clean for a guy. If he hadn’t said that he lives here I would think it was uninhabited with all the emptiness that I feel around me.

  He grabs my hand and leads me towards the hall. There are three doors that might be bedrooms. His apartment seems pretty big for just one guy.

  “Restroom is this first door. If you need it, there is also one in the master bedroom. Next we have my mixing room,” he says as he opens the second door to our right. As soon as I walk fully into the room, I can see that this is where he actually spends most of his time. There are wires, turn tables, laptops on two different tables, and three discarded headphones with coke cans and candy wrappers littering the floor. A La-Z-Boy sits in one corner with a pillow and a blanket.

  “This looks like a recording studio,” I tell him as I turn to look at him. I can see love shining through his eyes. He is proud of all the things in this room.

  “I can only wish, but this pays the bills, so I need this. I have always loved music, the way that it can sometimes map out your life story. Like when you hear a song and it transports you to any given moment in your life, it can trigger a happy memory or the worst night of your life. Music for me is everything. I Iove that I can always find a song to fit my mood. It has helped me through so much in my life, helped me keep my sanity. If you really think about it, Livi, you might already be half-way through your soundtrack.”

  He might be right, but all the moments in my past are better left forgotten.

  “You really enjoy what you do. It must be awesome to have a passion for something in life. I can‘t think of anything besides swimming that I enjoy,” I mention. Well, maybe, Nix.

  “Let’s see the rest of the rooms before our food gets cold,” Nix says, changing the subject. We walk towards the room across the makeshift studio that houses his king size bed. Yep, he definitely sleeps in the other room. This one looks like a hotel room; no warmth.

  “How long have you lived here, Nix?” I ask.

  “Three years,” is his response. We might need to talk about all this bleakness tonight. If I really want to move forward, we need to know more about each other.

  “Hey, O, why are you so quiet?” Nix interrupts my inner monologue. He places both of his hands on my cheeks, looking into my eyes. I know he is trying to read my mood.

  “I’m scared, but I want this, no, correction, I want you,” I reply with a half-smile, resting my hands on his hips to try to bring him closer to me. I can smell his cologne and his earthy smell that is just so Nix. I wish I could bottle his scent so that I can spray it around my room when he isn’t around, just to feel the comfort that I feel when I’m in his arms. Mandy would hate it.

  “O, I want to be with you. You are starting to mean so much to me. I feel like my soul recognized yours as soon as we touched for the first time. And yes, it is scary as shit, but I’m with you one hundred percent, and I’m willing to wait until you’re ready. Baby, we don’t need to rush. I want to be with you no matter if we have sex or not. I’m not Brett,” Nix tells me. I know that he is still concerned that I’m on the rebound or something. This is my opening for all I have to say tonight. The main one being telling him I’m a virgin.

  “Nix, let’s go have dinner and then we could talk about all that, yeah?” I say as I lead him back to the dining table were we left our dinner. “One thing that I got to ask though is why do you have such a big apartment?” I ask as I take the containers out of the bag while Nix is getting plates from the cupboard.

  “I was going to have a roommate, but that fell through and I was stuck with a contract. Then I just got used to being alone, so I stayed,” he states. I know there is more to that story, but I drop it for now since I have my own secrets to tell. We eat and talk about our holiday plans. I’m not going anywhere and Mandy is going back to Texas to visit her Mom, sister and nephews, but she is coming back before New Year’s. Nix is going to spend it with his family and then come home to be with me.

  “Let’s move to the sofa so we will be more comfortable,” Nix says as he pulls me up from the chair and pecks me on the lips. Why does he always take my breath away? He needs to give it back. He sits down first and drags me across his lap before he starts nibbling on my neck. I shiver and goose bumps spread across my body.

  “Nix, I need to talk to you about certain things,” I say breathlessly when I feel his tongue touch my ear. I have to get this out before we go any further and I can’t even remember my name.

  “So talk,” he breathes against my neck as he continues to assault it. I wiggle off him to sit on the sofa with my legs still draped across his laps. He groans and shifts to look at me.

  I take a breath and start to play with my hands that are growing clammy with just thinking about talking to him about my past. I am not concerned about his reaction to anything I say, because this is my story. As messed up as it is, and after being away from my mother for almost two years, I feel free from the grasp of her hatred. I just want him to understand me.

  “I am going to tell the story of my past; not for you to feel pity or get upset about things that can’t be changed, but for you to understand me, okay?” I can see concern in his eyes. “I grew up with a single mother. She got pregnant at a very young age and my father was not ready to take on that role. So my paternal grandparents gave my mother money so she could go get an abortion, but she didn’t. She thought that once my father saw his child he would come back to us. It didn’t happen as she thought it would. So, she became filled with rage towards the world and towards me. She was drunk and high 24/7. She worked at the neighborhood Cantina. She would bring different men home all the time. Nev
er the same guy, only if he had the good drugs. When I was a baby she would leave me with different people all the time so she could go around town.

  “Once I got older, like around five or six, she would leave me by myself. She would set a box of cereal on the floor in front of the TV while one of my legs was chained to the sofa so I wouldn’t leave the house. I never told anyone because she would threaten me. All my earlier memories included some kind of abuse, whether physical or verbal. She would go ballistic all of sudden and slap me around. She always said the same thing, that it was my fault he left us, that my father loved her, but I ruined everything. Once I started school she would only hit me where no one could see. It became as normal as breathing. As I got older the physical abuse stopped, but she would ignore me completely; she would pretend I was not even there. And that hurt more than the physical abuse, because the scars it was leaving on my soul and heart were the ones that have bled the most. Her indifference towards me, the feeling of not being wanted; she made me feel that my existence was for nothing. I began to guard my heart to keep the wounds from bleeding more. I became consumed with school. Academics were easy as there were no emotions involved. And that was how I liked it.

  “When the chance presented itself to choose a college I wanted something far away from her, but near the beach. I wanted to break free from the chains. So I came here, mainly because I saw a movie where a group of friends go to Myrtle Beach and have so much fun. I wanted that, to be carefree and young. I know love exists, it has to. I want that. I just don’t know if I’m capable of it. How can I show love when it was never shown to me?”

  I haven’t realized that I had started to cry. The memories of all the beatings and the pleading to just hug me were going through my head like a bad dream. I skimmed through some of the worst parts because he didn’t need to know the ugliness. I didn’t want pity. He wraps his arms around me as he settles me on his lap again and I cry for the lonely little girl I was. This is really not how I wanted this conversation to go. He starts to rock us and he squeezes me harder. In between my sobs I tell him that I am a virgin. I feel him stiffen then relax. He picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist as he moves us towards his bedroom. He pulls the comforter down as he lays me in the middle of the bed, pulling the covers over me and makes a move to go. I grab his arm. “Please stay,” I say, my sobs becoming just short gasps of breath. He removes his shoes and gets into bed with me. I never knew I could need someone like this, to feed off their warmth. I snuggle into him and start to calm down. Yep, not the way I thought this evening would go, but I am happy.