Colin Meets an Emu

by Merv Lambert

  “I couldn’t believe it! It was as if they were playing some mad game. No, not racing leap-frog. What do you call it? Slam Dunk? I don’t know. Anyway, I was just mopping the floor here by these wash-basins, when these two big blokes came running in, well not together, but one after the other with perhaps half a minute in between. As I say, they came running in, sort of dived forward and stuck their heads into those toilet bowls there. They were shouting and screaming, but I couldn’t understand what they were saying. I think one of them may have said “Mama mia!” but I’m not sure. What’s even more incredible is that they kept their heads stuck in there and then they flushed the toilets on themselves! Crazy men!” Ziggy shook his head in wonderment. “I’ve never seen anything like it! And then they just ran off screaming!”

  Of course what Ziggy did not know and had not seen was M using his beak powerfully and skilfully to reduce Nico and Carlo to nervous, gibbering wrecks.

  Once again, however, Colin, M and Sammy had lost track of Olivia. So, once again they wandered through the fairground looking for her. Sammy yapped twice. Colin expected that his little dog had found her, but instead he realised that M had vanished again. To his great relief after a few anxious moments he saw the great bird’s head and long thin neck above the heads of the people all around, but what on earth was he doing? Colin managed to squeeze past a young couple and found himself standing in front of an ice-cream stall. M was dipping his head forward into the various tubs of differently flavoured ice-creams. He would snatch a beakful, raise his head high in the air, and then swallow the large lump of ice-cream, shuddering in delight, as it slid down his neck.

  “Oh dear!” thought Colin. “Auntie Flo was quite right. Easily distracted! He certainly is!”

  Quickly he asked for a vanilla ice and paid for it with a £5 note. “Keep the change,” he said to the surprised, very busy stallholder, who had not noticed an invisible emu stealing his ice-cream.

  “Listen, M,” said Colin. “We haven’t got time to waste. We must find Olivia. She may be in great danger!” The emu didn’t look guilty, but he never did, did he?

  Carrying Sammy, so that he would not be trampled by the people still crowding the narrow alleyways between the stalls and sideshows, Colin hurried in search of Olivia. It was quite hard work pushing his way through but M, it seemed, had no such problems and it was M, who by holding his head high, spotted her. He ducked his head and tapped his beak gently on Colin’s shoulder to tell him to follow. Colin glanced at his watch. It was nearly a quarter to eleven. Once more they were heading for the caravans. Once more they skirted the dizzyingly high tower of the Helter-Skelter with its spiral descent, the long, long GHOOOOOOOOST Train, and the gigantic structure of the Hellzapoppin-Screamalong roller-coaster ride. Colin crouched down in the semi-darkness and peered round the corner of the caravan that was parked askew. Yes, Olivia was there, and so were her three brothers, looking very frightened, guarded by two thugs both a head taller than the Sanguinetti twins, who were grinning triumphantly at Olivia. Their voices carried to Colin. M was standing in full invisibility as before.

  “Well, darlin’, hand it over,” rumbled Twin One.

  “No!” hissed Olivia, spitting at the two men.

  “Luigi, Bruno, take her snivelling brothers away. Wait with them at the entrance to the roller-coaster, and tell that bobo-head of an owner to switch off the power to it and to go home pronto.”

  Twin Two turned to Olivia. “We have plans for you and your brothers,” he grinned.

  “Leave us alone, you pig-faced toads!”

  Olivia’s reply merely increased the width of the smirk on both men’s faces.

  “Olivia, beautiful Olivia, why are you so upset?” cooed Twin One.

  “Because of what you did to my father. You have ruined him. He has lost all his money. You have made him ill. He is very depressed. You loan-sharks are all the same. It’s impossible ever to repay you. You make sure of that. You keep increasing the interest on the money owed. You even caused that accident that kept him off work and so he couldn’t repay you that month and you told him he would have to pay even more. We were only trying to get some money tonight to help him pay his other bills, but you greedy pigs want that as well!”

  “Bravo!” gloated Twin Two, whilst his brother clapped his hands mockingly. “You will enjoy working for us.” Suddenly he barked, “Hand it over! All of it!” He reached out and tugged at Olivia’s dark blue headscarf. She jerked her head back, and, as the scarf dropped away, her dark glasses fell to the ground. M’s eyes were staring fiercely at her. He stood completely motionless with one foot slightly raised. Olivia was indeed very beautiful. Her dark eyes and their long dark lashes matched her long dark hair.

  “Where is the money?” snarled Twin One.

  “I haven’t got it!” cried Olivia, snatching back her scarf.

  “O.K. Come along with us. Your brothers will tell us,” continued Twin One.

  “No, no! Don’t hurt them!” pleaded Olivia.

  “So come with us. Let’s ask them.”

  The bookmark throbbed, as if telling Colin to wait, as the two men hustled Olivia towards the giant Hellzapoppin-Screamalong roller-coaster ride, where their two thugs stood with Olivia’s three brothers, who were looking even more unhappy than before.

  Colin did what the bookmark seemed to be directing him to do. To M he said, “Wait. We follow. Don’t interfere yet.”

  They watched as the ugly twins taunted their victims.

  “Well, you fine young gentlemen, what a pleasant evening this is,” remarked Twin Two.

  “Where is the money?” barked his brother.

  No answer came, because at that moment Colin strolled up to them all and said mildly, “Yes, it is a pleasant evening, isn’t it?” and without warning he suddenly grabbed the twins by their shirt-fronts and cracked their heads together so hard that they collapsed, dazed and groaning on the grass. Their two thugs started forward to seize Colin, but M, although a flightless bird, swooped on them, and using his strong beak, hoisted the first one up and left him hanging by the collar of his coat from a steel bracket sticking out from the caravan roof about eight feet from the ground, whilst Colin tripped the other one and held him down with ease because of the amazing strength flowing into him from the bookmark, which seemed to be glowing contentedly. M dragged the second thug over the grass and suspended him likewise from a second bracket sticking out from the other side of the caravan roof. The bewildered pair were howling in fear, as they could not see or understand how they had ended up where they were now.

  “Stay here and guard them, Sammy,” said Colin. “Don’t let them get down.”

  For such a little dog the loud, deep, threatening growl he gave was enough to silence the whimpering prisoners. He stood alert, daring them to move. They remained almost motionless but shivering with fear.

  Meanwhile Olivia and her brothers had been looking on with disbelief. The twins were still on the ground, groaning and semi-conscious

  Colin smiled. “Hi, Olivia, my name is Colin. Come along with me now. I’ll explain later. We have some unfinished business with these two.”

  Again with his amazing strength he was able to haul the two men across the grass to the entrance of the Hellzapoppin-Screamalong ride and onto one of the cars of the roller- coaster, but he placed them face down with their heads stretching out from the front of it and about a foot above the rails. M instinctively knew what to do next. Unseen of course by Olivia, Kevin, Darius and the third brother, whose name was Wayne, he clamped a large foot over the necks of the Sanguinettis and held them firmly.

  Colin said gently, “Wakey, wakey!” and switched on the power of the huge ride. Lights came on everywhere on the huge structure. Next Colin pressed the switch to start the machinery, and with a jolt the car containing M and the twins rolled forward and began to gather speed. The twins were beginning to wake up now.<
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  “Neeargh!” they screamed.

  “That’s right, boys. Scream along,” laughed Colin. “That’s what we like to hear.”

  Olivia was clapping her hands with glee and laughing so much she couldn’t speak.

  “I suspect this is what they meant to do to you three lads,” said Colin, turning to the brothers. The screams of the Sanguinettis grew louder and louder, as the car carrying them rapidly rose in sickening swoops and rushes towards the steepest curve and plunge at the very top.

  By now the concert was over and most people had left the park. A few late screams coming from the roller-coaster ride would seem quite normal. No one came to investigate or to have one last ride, but the screams and sobs continued from above.

  When the car reached the end of its run, the two gangsters were absolutely shaking with fear and their dark faces were ghastly white. Only M seemed to have enjoyed the ride. To Colin it looked as if he was grinning.

  “Ready for another run, boys?” asked Colin grimly.

  “Mama mia! No, no, no, no, no!” the twins gasped in unison.

  “Well, here’s where it gets really tough for you,” stated Colin. I am worse than your worst nightmare. Far worse. That could be just the first taste of the sort of things I’ve got lined up for you.” He paused to make sure he had their full attention. “Unless of course you agree to certain conditions.”

  “Anything! Anything!” wailed Twin Two. He did not know it was M pressing his face hard against the track of the roller-coaster.

  “Who..Who are you?” asked Twin One.

  “Me? You could say that I’m their guardian angel,” smiled Colin. “Now, to business. First you are going to change your life-style completely. You will not threaten Olivia or her family or anyone else. Secondly you will pay back all the money you have cheated out of your victims plus a little bit more, and in the case of Olivia’s father I think an extra £50,000 would be about right.”

  “But, but..” Twin One was beginning to argue. A sharp thrust of M’s foot soon made him stop.

  “Thirdly, after all that is settled, you will both move far away to another town or even another country and you will never come back. Is that clear? Never.”

  “Yes, yes, yes,” agreed the terrified Sanguinettis.

  “And finally, you will become honest, hardworking men. If you do not, wherever you are I shall find you and you will once again become my helpless puppets just like you are now. Capisce?[1]”

  Colin had spoken in the same quiet, low tone that the twins had earlier used on Olivia. The use of that last word hissed in their native Italian language was the last terrifying straw for them.

  “Si, si, si,” they agreed and then they lay trembling and exhausted until M hoisted them one by one and put them on the remaining two brackets sticking out from Olivia’s caravan roof. To Colin it almost seemed as if the bookmark was laughing. Was it enjoying all this as much as he was?

  That same evening it was all arranged. The Sanguinetti’s lawyers, summoned to Olivia’s caravan, hurried there in their smart limousine. All the money transfers were done, and the twins, very worried, hardly speaking and looking haggard and years older, were last seen in their lawyers’ car heading for the airport.

  Olivia introduced Colin to her father, who beamed at him and welcomed him as a new friend of the family. Olivia said he looked much better already. Sammy as usual was everyone’s favourite. Olivia kept looking admiringly at Colin, but he refused to answer just yet her questions about his strange powers. She would not have believed him, especially if he told her about a certain emu, who just happened to be invisible and who, without her realising it, was in the caravan with them, helping himself to whatever food and drink he could get in the small party that was now starting.

  Olivia wanted to explain to Colin the reasons why she and her brothers had tried to steal money that evening. “Believe me, Colin,” she said. “We were absolutely desperate. Papa was so depressed and ill, worrying about the money he owed those gangsters. We did not know what else we could do.” To prove this Olivia had already gone with Colin and Sammy to the police van at the fairground and had returned all the purses and handbags her brothers had taken. She simply said that she had found the large carrier-bag and all its contents hidden behind a caravan. The police-woman in charge had been equally interested in Sammy, who generally had that sort of effect on people.

  Earlier Kevin had lent Colin his mobile phone to ring Auntie Flo to let her know that her three guests, one nephew, one dog and one emu, would be arriving back at her house quite late. In fact, when they walked in, Jilly and Billy were already asleep in their rooms.

  Auntie Flo merely remarked, “Did you have a good evening? And did M behave himself?”

  “Oh, yes,” said Colin, and he winked at M. He could have sworn that the emu winked back at him.

  “You can tell me all about it in the morning,” said Auntie Flo.

  Colin said, “Oh, by the way, auntie, I’m bringing a young lady to see you tomorrow.” He glanced at his watch. It was 2 a.m. “Or rather this afternoon,” he added.

  M was hopping up and down happily, and in fact Auntie Flo liked Olivia from the moment she first set eyes on her that afternoon, when she came to tea.

  Of course it was Jilly who cheekily asked, “Are you really Colin’s girl-friend?”

  Surprised, Olivia replied, “Well, yes, I suppose I am. I hope so.”

  Colin, equally surprised, said yes he supposed so too. He had never felt so happy before.

  “In that case, Colin, I think we should introduce M to Olivia,” remarked Auntie Flo.

  Colin was never quite sure what Auntie Flo did next, but suddenly Olivia rushed across the room and hugged M.

  “Oh, isn’t he cute!” she cried. M looked suitably pleased. Then Auntie Flo told Olivia all about him.

  One day later, when Colin found himself once more in his armchair with Sammy, he was still clutching the headscarf that Olivia had given him to remind him of her and also as a kind of promise. Maybe she would join him in his next adventure. Then Colin noticed that there was something inside the headscarf. He unwrapped it and took out a small, silver-coloured blackberry handheld computer. There was a message on it from Auntie Flo, saying ‘Click here’.

  Intrigued, Colin did so. Suddenly he saw M standing on the other side of the room with a saxophone hanging from a sling around his neck! It was absolutely, incredibly absurd! Sammy woofed happily. Colin’s eyes were drawn to another message flashing on the blackberry’s small screen. ‘Thank you for looking after M. I have sent him to you for the remainder of the school holidays. I feel you will need him on your next two adventures. He really likes you. Don’t let him do anything too silly though. You can send him back to me by sending ‘M’ as a one-letter message to me. Thanks again, Colin. Love to you and Sammy. Auntie Flo.’

  “Oh no!” thought Colin. Now the neighbours are going to be complaining, asking me why I am playing the saxophone so badly!

  A second horrible thought occurred to him. “Oh no! What would Mr. Jellysox think if M caused trouble at the library? But then he thought, “So what?” The bookmark glowed reassuringly. Maybe after all that was another story. No, maybe it was two stories!

  Colin and the Space Convicts

  Colin had not intended to go into space, but his book, his special book, took him there faster than into any of his other adventures. His special bookmark was throbbing faster than ever before and he was suddenly aware that he was sitting at a table. Sammy was underneath it on a plush red carpet, lying contentedly in a comfortable-looking transparent box, which was labelled as a ‘Doggy Home’. Colin looked around. He appeared to be in a luxurious dining-room, rather like the ones he had seen on film of transatlantic liners in the 1930s or even the ill-fated Titanic of an earlier date. Was it 1912? He couldn’t remember. He also noticed there were no windows.

&n
bsp; A waiter appeared at his table. “Would you like to order, sir?” he said.

  Colin dithered, as he was still getting his bearings. “No,” he said. “I haven’t looked at the menu yet.” As he picked it up from the beautiful white tablecloth, he noticed two things. One – he was wearing a smart, white dinner jacket or tuxedo – and two – the name of the vessel he was apparently travelling in, printed stylishly on the menu, was the Spaceline Empress Express. He felt a surge of relief. So he wasn’t on the Titanic then, but was he really hurtling through space? He looked round him again and saw that the restaurant was quite crowded and the people were all elegantly dressed. He also noticed his new friend M, the emu, standing unnoticed by everyone else – i.e. unnoticed because M was indeed invisible to them.

  The waiter interrupted his thoughts. “Will the young lady be joining you for dinner, sir?”

  Colin realised that he was sitting at a table for two and there was a wine glass just like his own sparkling under the lights and a full set of gleaming cutlery just like his own all set in front of a chair opposite him. His heart leapt. Was Olivia here with him too? And there she was, walking into the room and smiling at him, and looking absolutely stunning with her long black hair contrasting with her long silver dress. The waiter politely held her chair, as she sat down. “I’ll come back in a minute or two, when you have decided,” he said.

  Olivia greeted her three friends. “Hi, Colin. Hi, Sammy. Hi, M.”

  Sammy woofed happily, whilst M lowered his head so that Olivia could gently scratch the top of it. Colin put his hand over Olivia’s on the snow white tablecloth.

  “I wonder where we’re going,” he said, “and I’ve no idea what year it is.”

  Olivia looked thoughtful. Then she said, “I overheard someone say, as I came in, that this trip to Planet Holiday is better value than the Easy-Space one last year in 2105.”