Colin Meets an Emu

by Merv Lambert

“Oh, oh!” said Colin. “That means I should be about 125 years old and you must be a sprightly 119 or so!”

  “We’re looking pretty good for our age then, aren’t we?” grinned Olivia. She glanced down at their hands. “It looks as if we must have got married.” She pointed to the rings on the fourth finger of their left hands. Hers was inscribed with ‘To O from C’ and his with ‘To C from O’. Suddenly she laughed. “I wonder if we have any children?”

  “I think we’d remember that,” said Colin, still trying to understand that Olivia was his wife. “If we have got any, they must also be over 100 years old!”

  Olivia laughed again, and just at that moment there was a tuneful, tinkling sound. It seemed to be coming from the top pocket of Colin’s tuxedo, where the bookmark nestled so snugly. He pushed his fingers into the pocket and there next to the glowing bookmark he felt a small solid object. He pulled it out. It was some sort of mobile phone, but more modern and neat than any other he had seen. It was the same dark blue colour as the bookmark, and when he opened it, the screen flashed red, also like the bookmark. He pressed the green key and the red of the screen was replaced by the face of someone he thought he recognised. It was not an old face and was framed by long black hair.

  “Hello, Mum. Hello, Dad. It’s me, Charlie.” It was not a man’s voice. Charlie? Was this a young grandson? No. For the first time in his life he had been called Dad! Well, the face did not look young either. Colin angled the phone, so that Olivia could see the screen . At once she seemed to twig what was going on and to know the person calling.

  “Hi, Charlotte,” she said.

  “Where are you?” asked Charlotte, who was obviously her daughter and had her mother’s beautiful dark eyes.

  “Well, we seem to be on our way to Planet Holiday for a short break.”

  “Oh, when will you be back then?”

  “Not sure. Maybe a couple of days. This was a surprise thing, spur of the moment, you know. You know what your Dad’s like. He always does the most amazing things. This spaceship has its own gravity field. I thought we’d be floating all over the place absolutely weightless. It’s incredibly grand in here and we’re in a marvellous restaurant at the moment.”

  “And is M with you?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s good then. Oh, the reason I’m ringing is that the others and me, we thought we ought to celebrate your 100th Wedding Anniversary in style next year. Is that O.K. with you?”

  “Yes. Of course. Surprise us.”

  “O.K., Mum. I’ll ring off now to tell the others. ‘Bye, Mum. ‘Bye, Dad.”

  Colin sat stunned. First it was news to him that he was married to the marvellous Olivia and also who were the others Charlotte had mentioned? Just how many children did they have? And goodness knows, how many grandchildren? And little Sammy must be nearly 1,000 years old in doggie years!

  His thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of the waiter, who asked, “Are you ready to order now?”

  Olivia murmured to Colin, “We mustn’t forget Sammy and M.” To the waiter she said,” One Doggy Dinz and two large ice-cream sundaes.”

  Colin added, “For me the Space Special and a bottle of the Martian Red.”

  Olivia decided to have the same as Colin and just as the waiter was leaving she asked him, “What time do we arrive at Planet H?”

  “Since we are travelling by Micro-Wave Black Hole Time Warp Speed 2, we will be there in about 45 Earthminutes. Just time to enjoy your meal, madam.” He snapped his fingers and a younger waiter brought the food to their table.

  Of course M, unseen by nearly all, soon finished off his two huge ice-creams. He had taken a great liking to them since pinching some at the fair recently. Or was it 100 years ago?

  It seemed like in less than no time they had landed on Planet H, as everyone called it, and they were being escorted off the gigantic, dark blue space-ferry. Colin had often wondered what it would feel like to set foot on another world. Now he was about to do just that. In his right hand he was carrying a slim, lightweight case made of some futuristic silver material. Olivia was carrying Sammy. M slipped on ahead. Hand in hand Colin and Olivia stepped onto the new world. The ground under their feet was just like that on Earth. The bookmark glowed in Colin’s pocket, as they walked about 80 metres to a low-slung hover-vehicle, which was made of sparkling fibre-glass. It was like sitting in a large travelling window, as they sped across the beautiful landscape that shone with a tinge of pink. Olivia felt herself unable to resist taking lots of pictures and video clips on the mobile phone.

  There was no driver on board the fully computer-operated hover-vehicle, but every so often a recorded voice told the passengers what they were passing. “On your right you can see the beautiful Needlepoint Mountains. They look just like snow-covered needles, don’t they? In fact they are nearly 3,000 metres higher than our own Mount Everest. Look to your left and you will see an incredible view of the sparkling pink waters of the equally beautiful Tingle Lake. See how the mountains are reflected in it. The lake is named after the Anglo-Australian explorer Sir John Nightingale. Everybody calls him by his nickname Tingle, so he said it was O.K. for the lake to be called that as well.”

  Olivia had picked up a brochure about Planet H and learned that it had been developed as a holiday destination for people from Planet Earth. It had an almost identical atmosphere and gravity. There were two mini-suns and two moons, so that there were plenty of places you could have night or day or both at the same time. Really? One of the reasons people from Earth liked visiting was that its moons cast this other world into varying shades of either pink or blue. Usually the weather was good, although short fierce rainstorms were not uncommon.

  “I hope we’ve brought the right kind of clothes with us,” remarked Olivia.

  “I’m sure we have,” replied Colin. The bookmark throbbed once, as if to agree.

  Within twenty Earthminutes they arrived at their hotel, the Tingle Tingle Little Star. The building was white with gold trimmings, and the roof was shaped like the spikes of the Needlepoint Mountains.

  “Wow!” said Colin.

  “Mmm!” murmured Olivia uncertainly. She had noticed that something was wrong. “What are those black things moving about all over the place?” she whispered.

  M was staring hard at them and Sammy was tense, pulling at his lead. Some of the hotel staff in their smart white uniforms came rushing out of the main entrance. They were being chased by one of the squat black objects. It was not quite as tall as Colin. M, curious as ever, bent forward and picked it off the ground with his strong beak. Of course only Colin, Olivia and Sammy could see the emu, so everyone else thought that the strange black object of vaguely human shape was suspended unaided in mid-air. It gave off an angry buzzing sound.

  “What’s happening?” asked Colin.

  One of the hotel staff wearing a badge with her name ‘Sharon’ on it, answered. “The hotel is under attack!”

  “The whole Holiday Planet is under attack!” gasped her colleague Milo. “It’s that madwoman Martha Mandraka. She’s escaped from the Prison Planet again!”

  “Yeah, she’s rounding everyone up as hostages!” added a young man called Aaron.

  “Oh!” said Olivia.

  “Oh!” said Colin. “First we’d better get rid of that robot thing then.” It was still buzzing angrily. M didn’t need to be told. Holding the robot firmly, he raced to the edge of the lake and hurled it far out over the water. There was a huge splash followed by a bright orange flash and a shower of sparks. Then nothing.

  “Strewth! It destroyed itself!” cried Norm, another of the staff. “It just flew to the water and threw itself in!”

  “Er, yes”, said Colin. Sammy barked happily as if saying “Well done!” to M.

  “We’ve got to get away,” said Milo.

  “But there’s nowhere to go!” answered Sha
ron. “Mad Martha will be looking for us.”

  “Where is she now?” asked Olivia.

  “At the hotel reception last time I saw her.”

  “And what does she look like?”

  “You can’t miss her. She’s got this huge blonde hair-do.”

  “I think we’re going in,” said Colin.

  “Be careful!” Aaron sounded very nervous. “She’s got a really nasty temper. Some horrible little kid annoyed her this morning, so she just zapped him into the recycle bin.”

  “Right,” said Colin. “Let’s go and find her”, and he strode forward with a steely, determined look on his face, a look that Olivia had seen before at the fairground, when they had first met. M and Sammy trotted happily after him, and the bookmark throbbed once in his pocket.

  As they went in through the giant archway that formed the main entrance, they could see the guests, very quiet and looking very frightened, being herded into the enormous hall or atrium by a host of the black robots and a huge, black-bearded man, but the person dominating the scene was a large woman with a venomous expression that clashed with her mass of elaborately styled blonde hair. She never seemed to stop speaking, all the time barking orders at her giant assistant.

  “Harka, hurry up! Get them all lined up. My spaceship leaves in one Earthhour.”

  She kept patting her hair.

  “Why is she doing that?” asked Olivia, who was very sharp at noticing things. “Do you think she is signalling something?”

  “Yes. I think she’s got a device in there to control the robots.”

  Suddenly Mad Martha swung round towards them.

  “Who are you?” she screamed, and without waiting for an answer went on, “Harka, arrest them!”

  Sammy snarled, a surprisingly deep sound. Colin immediately stepped forward. He held out his right hand.

  “Hello, Harka,” he said pleasantly. “I’m Colin.”

  The huge man instinctively grasped Colin’s hand, intending to show off by crushing it and making Colin squeal in agony. However, a puzzled expression came over his face, as slowly he realised his plan was not working. His own hand was being crushed by this small man of incredible strength. The bookmark was glowing merrily. Harka began to gasp desperately. His dark face was beginning to turn pale. A squeal of pain emerged from his gritted teeth. He sank to his knees.

  “Lie down! Now!” commanded Colin. Fearfully the big man did so. Sammy gave a growl as threatening as that of a lion and stood guard over him. “Don’t move,” Colin added.

  Turning to Mad Martha, he said calmly, “Now, madam, call off your robots.” For once Mad Martha was silent.

  “I said call off your robots. Release all these people and also that little boy, if he is still in the recycling bin.”

  “Certainly not!” replied Mad Martha, pretending to ignore him. She patted her hair to summon her robots. A ring of menacing black figures began to close in on Colin and his friends. Turning back to Colin, Mad Martha said, “Well, young man, whoever you are, you are now my second in command. You can replace that useless Harka.”

  Olivia stepped forward angrily towards Martha. Her dark eyes flashed. “Oh no, oh no, you don’t, you arrogant, fat toad! Leave him alone! Colin is mine. He’s my husband. Do you understand?”

  Mad Martha laughed mockingly. “My, my! I couldn’t care less! He’ll do as I say.”

  She patted her hair again. The robots moved closer, ever more sinister. Mad Martha was so self-assured and confident that she did not expect what happened next. It happened so fast.

  “You conceited old cow!” snapped Olivia, pushing her on the chest just as M bent down invisibly behind her. As she fell over backwards, her enormous blond wig came off, revealing mousy, greasy hair underneath. Mad Martha made a grab for the wig, but she was too late. Swoosh! M had swallowed it, rather like an invisible hoover! Immediately all the robots stopped moving and their whirring noises stopped too.

  “It looks like the crisis is over”, said Colin.

  Olivia was not so sure. “Why is she still grinning?” She pointed at Mad Martha clamped to the floor under M’s foot.

  “I’m not telling you, dearie, “ smirked Mad Martha. “I may be mad, but I know what I know, and that’s something you don’t know.” She gave a mad laugh.

  “What does she know then?” Olivia was still angry but also worried. Something was not quite right. What had they missed?

  “I think I know what it is,” whispered Sharon, and she drew Colin and Olivia to one side so that Mad Martha could not hear. “It’s that other guy, Harka’s brother. He’s still out there somewhere. They say he’s the most dangerous of the three and completely mad. The Prison Planet sent out an all galaxy alert, when he escaped. He’s probably the most wanted man in the universe. His name is Quark.”

  “Oh.” Colin thought for a moment. Then he said, “We’d better get these two criminals well locked up. Do you have anything as old-fashioned as hand-cuffs?”

  Sharon smiled. Colin was making her feel calm and confident again. “Yes, I’ll get our hotel security staff right away. I’ll contact the Galactic Police as well. They’ll be here in about ten Earthminutes.”

  In fact it was all done very quickly and efficiently, since M was able to give his invisible and expert help in subduing Harka and Mad Martha. The hotel’s guests stared and chatted excitedly, as the two convicts were hustled away with their thumbs gripped together behind their backs by a simple, futuristic tethering system made of plastic. Mad Martha uttered a constant stream of angry abuse, whereas Harka remained silent and glared around, still suffering from his wounded hand.

  The bookmark throbbed in Colin’s pocket. It seemed to be warning him. He took hold of Olivia’s arm and they stepped outside, followed by Sammy and M. They all looked around at this wondrous new planet.

  “We haven’t got much time.”

  “How do you know?” asked Olivia.

  “I think the bookmark knows.”

  “What can we do then?”

  “Find Quark. He’s highly dangerous. He may be planning to destroy the hotel before he gets away.”

  Sharon tugged his sleeve. “Colin, I believe I know where he is. The only place nearby where he could be hiding is at the caves on Cuticle Bay just on the other side of the lake.”

  “Oh no,” groaned Olivia. She had just spotted the rolls of mist hiding the far shore.

  The bookmark throbbed once in Colin’s pocket.

  “Yes, that’s where he is,” said Colin. “Sharon, does the hotel have any power-boats?”

  “Yes. Come with me.”

  Sharon led them down to the beach and next to the luxurious inshore swimming pool, now shimmering in the blue light of the evening moon, were two bright red twin-hulled jet-boats. Colin, Olivia and Sammy leapt aboard the first one. Sharon did not see M hop aboard too, but she said, “Here. Take this. The hotel all-purpose card fits in that slot. It starts the engine. The zoom batteries are always fully charged.”

  “Thanks, Sharon. You stay here and tell the Galactic Police what is going on. I see they are just arriving. We may need their help out there. Make sure everyone is evacuated to safety out of the hotel.”

  Quickly they slipped some neat, light-weight safety jackets on. There was even one that fitted Sammy. M did not need one though. Then Colin pushed the card into the slot to start the boat’s engine. “Hang on!” he said to the others. He released the starter lever and with his left hand firmly grasping a metal bar in front of the driver’s seat, he pressed his right forefinger on the illuminated screen in front of them. This was the way the boat was directed, as it skimmed over the water towards the looming banks of fog. Soon they were speeding into it. The lights of the boat cast a dim glow.

  “Where are we going? We can’t see!” Olivia was worried.

  “The boat knows. There is sat-nav on this scre
en.”

  “Satellite navigation? Of course. I forgot we are in the twenty-second century.”

  “Yes, we are only 500 metres from the shore.”

  Within less than an Earthminute Colin had eased the boat to a stop on the gently sloping beach.

  “Quick!” Colin helped Olivia out of the boat. She was clutching Sammy. Meanwhile M was striding slowly up the beach, peering into the fog, which had taken on a blue tinge.

  “Listen,” said Colin. “Can you hear that?”

  “Yes. It’s an engine of some kind. M’s good at this. Let’s follow him. I wish we could see him better though.”

  At that moment the bookmark throbbed and M suddenly gained a luminous glow. He stalked up the beach with the others in close pursuit.

  “That looks like a tunnel in the rock,” said Olivia.

  “Suddenly an enormous voice boomed out. “Oh, no it isn’t! It’s the barrel of my mega-gun! Quark! Quark! Quark!” The last three words were uttered as a harsh gloating laugh. The boastful voice went on, “You’ll not beat me. I’m not your average comic book villain.”

  “Oh yes, you are!” Both Colin and Olivia could not resist answering in pantomime fashion.

  “Oh no, I’m not! Or maybe, oh yes, I am. You’ve got me confused now, me the great Dr. Quark. I am a real, genuine golden genius. Quark! Quark! Quark!”

  “You just sound like a mad duck to me,” mocked Colin.

  “And if you’re so clever how did you end up in prison?” added Olivia.

  “What? How dare you, you ignorant, puny Earthpeople! I’ve been planning my revenge for months. In a few moments I shall launch my mega-missile and it will destroy the hotel and everyone in it, including the useless Galpos, as we call the ridiculous Galactic Police.

  Quark! Quark! Quark!”

  Then the voice changed to a sinister, madly fiendish -sounding, slow countdown. “Ten… Nine…Eight…” However, the brightly luminous M suddenly shook his neck and he spat out the blond wig he had swallowed earlier. Then, holding it in his beak, he began to wave it violently from side to side. It was as if he was signalling to the rocket or to the mad rocketeer. In fact he actually was. “Three…Two…One…Fire!” shrieked Quark triumphantly. But there was not a sudden rush and roar of the missile surging out of the tunnel. Instead they all heard a muffled thump followed by an odd repeated clanging and banging sound. It was the rocket struggling slowly from the tunnel, but colliding with both sides of it in time with the rhythm of the wig swinging in M’s beak. Then the big bird suddenly changed the wig’s direction from side to side and jerked it once up and down. The large black missile, now extremely dented and misshapen, came out of the tunnel’s mouth, reared up once and slowly toppled into the waters of the lake, where it sank, surrounded by a shower of sparks. From within the tunnel came roars of rage. “Aragh! Aragh! Aragh!” This changed to “Oo-aaargh! Oo-aaargh! Oooooo- aaaaargh!”, as M appeared, dragging the protesting Quark along by his long grey beard. Swiftly M pitched him into the boat and anchored him firmly under his strong foot. Already Colin, Olivia and Sammy were scrambling back into the jet-craft. The fog had now lifted and they could see the hotel lights across the lake. As Colin set the boat in motion towards them, they were hailed by a familiar voice. It was Norm. He was waving to them from the other hotel jet-boat being driven by a Galactic Policeman. There were several other Galpos with them in their immaculate blue uniforms. When the second boat drew up alongside them, two of the Galpos stepped across and arrested Quark.