Afraid to Fly (Fearless #2)

by S. L. Jennings

  I slept so I wouldn’t think. And when I couldn’t stand to close my eyes, I drank, courtesy of the stash I kept in my closet for whenever I had company (Angel got sick of me walking to the kitchen ass naked for booze). And when that wasn’t even enough, I dipped into my stash of antidepressants that were probably long expired but still did the trick. I didn’t want to feel anymore, and the one thing that got me out of my head was a no-go. I couldn’t fathom going through the motions for some random, faceless chick. I didn’t want to see anyone. I couldn’t even look at my own damn reflection.

  I flipped on the news after my haze of dejection had lifted. It was Wednesday morning. I had buried my head in the sand for two days. I needed news about Kami—that was the only reason I had stuck around. Then I needed to make a move to get the fuck outta here.

  “Dom? You awake?” It was Angel again. She must’ve been listening at my door. “Come on, open up.”

  I didn’t say a word. I just went over and unlocked the door. She stepped inside and quickly covered her nose, trying to stifle the offending odor of booze, sweat and tears.

  “Dude, what the fuck? We’ve been worried sick about you.” She spied the empty bottle of liquor and pills. “Are you okay?”

  I flopped onto the bed, my entire body still sore with fatigue. “Peachy-fucking-keen. What do you want?”

  “Kam had the baby.”

  “Are they okay?”

  “They’re fine. Healthy. She wants to see you. She’s worried about you—we all are.”

  “Don’t.”

  “Seriously, you need to see her. It’s not healthy for her to be this upset about you, and you know it. She just went through a traumatic experience. Don’t put her through anymore strain.”

  I ran a hand through my greasy hair and heaved out a sigh. “Fine. I’ll see her.” I’ll see her, then I’ll go. That’s all the closure I could give them.

  “And your job . . . they’ve been calling. I told them what had happened with Kami and how you were refusing to leave her side. Amber needs to speak with you a.s.a.p.”

  “Fine.” Little did she know that my conversation with my supervisor would be no more than an apology and a resignation. Word traveled fast. Amber knew that I had had a rough upbringing and had been adopted. But she didn’t know the details. Since I was a minor when it all went down, those records had been sealed. Or so I thought. Now I knew exactly why Helping Hands had been ransacked. Amanda must’ve gotten some of her dumpster juice friends to help her get some dirt on me after my little DCFS threat. Well, they found it.

  She left me to shower and dress, and when I emerged, she handed me a sandwich. I was starving, but I wasn’t sure my body could keep down anything. It was too full of grief.

  The ride to the hospital was silent for the most part, except when Angel brought up the one topic that I had been desperately trying to avoid.

  “Raven has been calling you. She came by a few times. She’s worried about you.”

  “So?”

  “So?”

  “She should worry about her own problems and leave me alone with mine.”

  “That’s not fair, Dom. She cares about you. So does Toby. Why would you think otherwise?”

  Because I’m not worth it. They were better off without me.

  “Look, let’s just get this over with.”

  Once at the hospital, she led me to the NICU where Kami would be. It was an entire process to get in there. You would swear we were going to visit an inmate in prison or something. Sure enough, we found Kami rocking in a chair, singing softly to the tiniest bundle I had ever seen. Blaine stood beside her, completely enamored by the mother of his child and his brand new daughter.

  The moment she saw me, her face broke into a smile so wide that she nearly broke me right then and there. Tears welled up in her eyes automatically as she signaled for Blaine to take the baby, while Angel gingerly helped her to her feet.

  “Thank you. Thank you for coming,” she cried, wrapping her arms around me and squeezing as tight as she could without hurting herself.

  I choked down the knot in my throat and forced myself to hug her back. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. It was because I did. I wanted to hold her. I needed to. And I was bad for her. I was bad for everyone.

  She pretended not to feel the stiffness in my body when she pulled away, her soft smile still in place. “Come on. I have someone I want you to meet.”

  She took my hand and led me to where Blaine was cooing over the tiny, pink bundle in his arms. He was in love, insanely so. Which made me want to back away and run even more.

  “Dom, this is Amelia, named after Blaine’s mother,” Kami beamed proudly. “Amelia Dominique Jacobs. This is your goddaughter.”

  Goddaughter? Amelia Dominique?

  I took a step back, shaking my head. No. Why were they doing this? They knew how much I loved them . . . how much I would love her. They knew that little girl would become my entire world.

  “It’s okay,” Kami whispered, refusing to let me go. “It’s okay, Dom. I know . . .”

  She did. If anyone knew my headspace, it was her. She knew what it was like to feel unworthy . . . unlovable. She understood what it was like to be terrified to feel for people because people hurt you. They left you. They ripped you apart.

  I let Kami pull me back to her and her family. Our family. They had made me a part of it whether I liked it or not.

  “Here, man. You should hold her.”

  I could see that Blaine hated to give her up. I would be too. Amelia was absolutely the most beautiful, most precious little thing I had ever seen, even with the plastic tubes in her tiny little nose. Kami had me take her seat on the rocking chair, where they set her in my arms. She was warm and so tiny. She had a head full of dark brown hair, and her soft skin was the color of cream. I loved her already. How could I not? And every day of her life, that little girl would know that she was the most cherished child in the world.

  I hated them for doing this—for forcing me to stay—but I loved them for believing in me enough to allow me this gift. They knew what I was . . . what I could turn out to be. Yet, they were trusting that I wouldn’t grow up to be the same kind of monster that turned me into a victim. Maybe they were stupid. Or maybe they were exactly what a real family was supposed to be.

  “Hi, beautiful,” I whispered down at her as she slept. “I’m your tío Dominic. And I’m going to be your guardian angel. All beautiful girls get a guardian angel.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Blaine pull Kami closer and kiss the top of her head. Angel came over to kneel beside me, equally as enamored by Amelia.

  “Isn’t she adorable?” she squeaked. “I want one.”

  “She’s not a doll, Ang. You can’t just pick one up from the store and dress her up.”

  “I know that. But still . . .” She leaned in close and stroked one of Amelia’s tiny fingers. “You know, you have Raven to thank for this. They only allow immediate family in here, but since she sometimes works this department and knows the nurses . . .”

  “You can thank her.”

  “Dom,” she sighed. “You have to talk to her some time. She cares about you too.”

  “She’ll get over it.”

  “But what about Toby? Will he get over you too?”

  She had a point, but thankfully I wouldn’t have to tell her so. A nurse entered to inform us that little baby Amelia would need to rest now. Kami was welcome to stay, but she said she was feeling weak and wanted to lie down a while. When we got back to her room, Blaine decided to grab a coffee, and Angel joined him. I knew what this was. They thought they were slick by leaving us alone. They thought leaving me with Kami would help me get my head together. Sneaky bastards.

  I helped her back into bed, then dimmed the lights. She looked amazing to have just had a baby, but I could tell she was tired. The fact that she was up moving around after all that trauma was incredible.

  “Come,” she ordered gently, grimacing as she
tried to scoot over in her hospital bed.

  “Kam, you need to rest.”

  “I know. Come rest with me for a little while.”

  I heaved out a breath and did as she requested. Denying her was still difficult for me. She was tiny, even though her belly was still pretty swollen, so we both fit just fine in the bed.

  “I want you to know . . . you are beautiful to me, Dominic Trevino. And before your head gets any bigger, I’m not talking about the exterior. You know why we chose you as Amelia’s godfather?”

  “No.” I didn’t. I was the last person I expected, especially now. I didn’t even have the balls to show up to the birth.

  “Because no one knows pain like you. And no one will ever fight as hard as you to keep her from it.” She leaned her head on my shoulder and grasped my hands with hers. “I don’t care about the sins of your body. I only see the light of your soul and the fullness of your heart. That’s all I’ve ever seen. Even that day you saw me—shaking like a leaf in front of that crisis center—I knew that I would grow to love you. Because there is just something inside you that makes it impossible not to. That’s why I let you take my hand—a stranger that I didn’t even know from Adam. And that’s why I vowed to keep holding your hand until the day I died. I needed you then, and I need you now. And I’m not the only one, sweetheart. You are so needed. You are so loved.”

  I didn’t even realize I was crying until I tried to speak, the words catching on a sob. “I don’t want to be like him. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone. You know me. I would never . . . I would never . . .”

  She turned my head to face her and touched her forehead to mine. “I know that, baby. And you won’t. You are good, Dominic. You hear me? You are the best person I know. And you deserve so much love that it smothers you . . . that you can’t breathe from all of it. So don’t push it away. Don’t run, please. I need you, Amelia needs you, Angel needs, and Raven and Toby . . . they need you too.”

  “No.” I tried to shake my head, but she was still cradling my cheek. “No one needs me, Kam. I don’t want anyone to ever have to wonder if I’m . . .” I couldn’t even say it through the tears—hers and mine.

  “We don’t wonder. And neither should you. You listen to me, dammit. You are not your past. You are not your pain. You are kindness and strength and beauty. You are love.”

  We cried together in that hospital bed until exhaustion lulled us to sleep. And I realized that the love I felt for Kamilla Duvall was completely different from the emotional connection I felt for Raven. Kami was a mother—she always had been. And I had clung to that quality inside her all these years, because I’d never had that. I had never felt that type of love. And now, I would happily surrender it to the person who needed it more than me. The person who had changed my entire world the moment I felt her tiny frame in my arms and forced me stay. My goddaughter.

  I HAD BEEN WORKING the trauma unit for the last two days, but made it a point to check in with Kami and the new baby. Blaine hadn’t left her side, so CJ and his dad, Mick, were running the show. I also gave up my day off to help out at Dive in his absence. Toby didn’t mind. CJ had hooked up an Xbox in the back room, so he was pretty occupied the entire evening anyway. There was also a couch back there that he dozed on when it got late. Everyone was ridiculously nice to him and made sure he stayed stocked on food and drinks while I tended to the tables. It was weird. No one had ever been that kind to us. But then again, I hadn’t really given anyone a chance to.

  I had a 15 minute break, so I jogged up to see how Kami was doing, hoping that she had heard from Dom. But what I found was even better. Sorta. Actually, I didn’t know what to think about it.

  I found Blaine standing outside Kami’s recovery room, looking through the window. His expression was pensive, and after a couple days without shaving, he looked even more dangerous. But I knew better.

  I followed his eyes and saw the source of his concern. I gasped aloud, disturbing him from his thoughts, and he turned to me with a tight smile.

  “How long have they been like that?” I whispered.

  “A while.” He looked down at his cold coffee, then back at his girlfriend holding Dom as they slept. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t upset, but he wasn’t. He looked more relieved than anything.

  “It doesn’t bother you?”

  He shook his head, the long, chocolate brown layers of his hair falling into his eyes. “No. I’ve seen worse. It’s how they are.”

  How they are? What kind of relationship did they have?

  I watched with him for a while, trying to wrap my head around it. I didn’t believe Kami was interested in Dom like that, but I couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that shot through me. Still, she somehow got him to come out of hiding, and for that, I was grateful.

  “How do you do it?” I whispered to Blaine, our eyes still glued on the scene before us.

  “Do what?”

  A gestured a hand toward the scene inside the room. “Handle . . . that. Handle them?”

  He chuckled quietly to himself and shook his head. “I don’t. It’s not my place to. People like them feel more than everyone else. They may not show it, but they do. And sometimes, it’s all too much to trust one person to handle. But they—Kami, Dom, and Angel—are each other’s safe houses. They trust one another because they know that whatever ugly they’ve faced, they have each other to show them the beauty. People like you and I have been fortunate enough to never have to face the horrors that still haunt them. So we wait, and we hope, and we love them enough to try to make them see that they’re safe with us too. And we thank God when they finally do.”

  I could only turn to look at him, wondering where the hell that had come from. Blaine was so much more than a handsome face. He was a good guy, and Kami was damn lucky to have him.

  “I meant to tell you . . .” he began after a few moments of my awkward staring. “I received everything from your background check. Your name . . .”

  “I use my middle.”

  “I saw that.” He was silent for an uncomfortable beat, before taking a deep breath and speaking again, his voice hollow. “When I was in high school, I heard of a girl at a rival school. Her first name was Melanie too.”

  My face grew hot, and I could feel sweat bead all over my body. No. No, it couldn’t be. I wanted to beg him not to say another word. I wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up and mind his own business. He couldn’t know this. He just couldn’t.

  “I grew up with CJ after my mom died. And he was a jackass even then. One night he showed me these pictures . . . told me about this girl . . .”

  “Please don’t.” My voice was so weak that I barely heard it over the blood whooshing in my ears.

  “It’s not my place. But if you think it’s something he should know, you should tell him. Tell him before he’s exposed even more. You know all his secrets, and if you want him to trust you like he trusts her,” he said, nodding towards Kami, “you have to be honest.”

  He was right, and I had half a mind to break down in tears and tell him so. If Blaine knew about me, who else did? Kami? CJ? How long would it be before my past caught up to me and destroyed the life that I had built for my brother and me? And what would he think of me then?

  “Don’t worry. No one else knows,” Blaine said.

  “Thank you.”

  I looked down at my watch to find that I had to get back to work, shaken or not. I was just about to bid him goodbye when Dom began to stir in the bed next to Kami.

  “Talk to him. If he finds out from someone else and is humiliated again, we’ll lose him for good.” Then Blaine stepped around me and went into the room. I watched him wait patiently as Dom gently untangled himself from Kami’s hold. He stood up and the two men exchanged a few hushed words before bro-hugging.

  I had wanted to see him for days. I needed him to know how I felt about him—how I didn’t believe what Amanda had said. But now that my secret was out, I wasn’t so sure.

  When he
stepped into the hall, momentary surprise touched his sleepy eyes. But just as fast as I saw it, it was gone. He was cold . . . detached. It was like he was looking right through me, not seeing me at all.

  “I called you.” My voice was barely a whisper.

  “I know.”

  “I need to talk to you.”

  “Now’s not a good time, Raven . . .”

  “Please.” I took a step forward, aching to touch him, but I refrained. I was afraid of him. Not because I thought he would hurt me, but because I knew I had given him the power to.

  “Look, you don’t want to talk to me. You’ve already heard everything. What more needs to be said?”

  “The truth.” I took another step, close enough to breathe him in. “My truth.”

  He looked away and scrubbed a hand over his face before taking a deep breath. “Fine. Just come over after work.”

  “I work at the club tonight.”

  He shrugged. “I’ll be up.”

  The rest of the day crawled along, as anxiety built. I was going to tell Dom the truth about me—about us. I was going to reveal how I had hated him for years, and how I blamed him for all the bad shit in Toby’s life and mine. I was going to reveal how I had once dreamed of hurting him, yet had fallen in love with him instead. He had to know that he wasn’t alone in his pain. I shared it with him.

  I got to his apartment around 2 am, nervous that I’d wake him and Angel. But when I buzzed their place, he let me through immediately without saying a word. That was okay. I just needed him to listen. Listen and understand.

  The apartment was dark when he opened the door, but I was glad for it. My neck felt flushed, and my palms were sweaty. As calm and cool as I tried to act, I couldn’t shake the nervousness, but it was too late to turn back now. He expected an explanation, and I would give him one.

  Dom led me back to his room and shut the door. I heard music coming from Angel’s room, which didn’t surprise me. She was probably just getting in too. Wednesdays were Open Mic Nights at Dive and AngelDust played for the contestants. The thing that did surprise me, was that she wasn’t alone in the room. There was another female voice, and it didn’t sound like they were playing Yahtzee.