Afraid to Fly (Fearless #2)

by S. L. Jennings

  “So . . . talk,” he said, flopping down on his bed. He seemed so angry . . . so hateful. I didn’t understand what I had done to him. Hell, maybe he already knew.

  “Are you upset with me?”

  “No. I’m not.” He ran a hand through his tousled locks. He wasn’t as groomed as he usually was, and a good amount of stubble was on his jaw. Still, he was gorgeous. He’d always be gorgeous to me.

  I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes for a beat. Here it was . . . this was the pivotal moment I’d waited for. The moment I’d expose him for what he was. I just never expected to be dreading it. Honestly, I would have taken this secret to my grave if Blaine hadn’t called me out.

  “Dom . . . I went to Pine High.”

  He frowned. “Okay. When were you going to tell me we went to the same school? Are you trying to say we may have known each other?”

  I shook my head. “We did know each other. At least I thought we did.”

  He huffed out an irritated breath. “I never knew anyone named Raven at Pine. What are you talking about?”

  I had to push myself to keep going. I had to do it now or I’d lose my nerve. “That’s because my first name is Melanie. And up until a few weeks ago, I was convinced that you ruined my life.”

  “What? Wait . . . what are you saying?”

  I wrapped my arms around myself defensively, preparing for the assault. Once he knew about me . . . once he knew the truth, he’d hate me. He’d hate me like I had hated him. He’d be repulsed by me, just like my mother had been. Just like everyone had been.

  “I saw you every day. You were a junior at the time. You had U.S. History down the 9th grade hallway, right next to my locker. One day you said hi to me and smiled. I thought it was love at first sight.” I chuckled nervously at my pathetic, childish notion. “I was a mess. Jacked up haircut. Braces. No one smiled at me. But you did.”

  Disbelief was etched on his face. “Raven—Melanie . . . I don’t get it. Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

  I held up a hand. “Because that’s not all of it. Soon the smiles turned into winks. Then you introduced yourself. I already knew your name though—everyone did. I heard what the girls said about you. Some were heartbroken. Some were in love. Some said you were the best sex they’d ever had. I didn’t care. I just knew that I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I lived every day to see you in the hallway. It was all I looked forward to.”

  Dom scrubbed a hand over his face and shook his head. “Look, I was seriously fucked up then, okay? You can’t believe I knew that I was leading you on by being nice. I was nice to everyone.”

  “No. You did lead me on. You led me on, and I let you.” I looked down at the knot of my fingers in front of my lap and tried to steel my resolve. I had to tell him. I had to tell him what he’d done so we could fix this. “You invited me to a party at Lookout Point. It was the end of the school year, and everyone would be there. You said I had pretty eyes, and that I better save you a dance. It was the best day of my life. I thought you liked me. At least that’s how you made me feel.

  “I showed up wearing my favorite skirt. When I spotted you in the crowd, you were surrounded by people. They clung to your every word. The girls all looked at you like you were a god. You had been drinking—everyone had—but that only made you more charismatic. It was like you were the sun, and we were all planets, rotating around your every move. Desperately hoping to be in your light.

  “You saw me and came right over. You hugged me tight to your body, told me I looked beautiful. And I believed you.”

  Dom squirmed uncomfortably like he knew what came next. He had no idea. No clue of the damage his actions had caused. “Raven, I’m sorry. I was an asshole then. You have to forgive me.”

  I nodded. “Oh, I do. For that, and for what happened after. You took me to a vacant car. I think it was Angel’s, because I remember the smell of new leather. Even if it was a beat up Pinto, I was glad to follow you anywhere. I knew what you were about. You weren’t taking advantage of me, Dom. I wanted you. I knew what I was doing.”

  His shoulders seemed to sag with relief, but I knew it was premature. In a few minutes, he’d be repulsed, and I’d lose him.

  “You were my first kiss, but I wanted you to be more than that. I wanted you to be my first everything. You laid me down in the back seat and kissed me so gently . . . touched me like I was made of glass. I felt so lucky to be there with you. You made me feel so . . . loved.

  “When you put it in, it was like you didn’t know. You didn’t understand why I had screamed. And I didn’t expect it to hurt so bad. You looked down where we were connected and . . . you covered your mouth and jumped out of me like I was on fire. You barely made it outside the door to puke, grabbed your shit and ran. You just left me and didn’t come back.”

  He climbed to his feet, fresh tears shining in horrified eyes. “Oh my God, Raven. Oh my God . . . I’m so sorry. Please believe me, it wasn’t you. I swear, it wasn’t you.”

  I held up a hand, prompting him not to say any more. “That wasn’t the best part. You left the car door open, and these guys . . . they saw me. They came in and whipped out their phones and . . . and . . .” The knot inside my throat cracked in half and fat, salty tears rained onto my cheeks. “I was the talk of the town. Don’t you remember? Nasty chick fucks on her period. Bloody Bitch. Slut forgets her tampon. Backseat Blood Bath. Threesome with Aunt Flo. Code Red. Bloody Melanie. They said that I was so disgusting, some poor guy had puked right on me. My mom and stepdad saw them. Gene lost his job, because his boss felt it could be harmful for the company’s image. They fought all the time about money, until Gene ended up leaving us. My mother hated me after that. She said if I weren’t such a nasty slut, Gene would have stayed. And Toby would have his father.

  “After that, I went to live with my grandparents in Virginia. I had to. I couldn’t show my face in public again. I started using my middle name . . . tried to change my appearance. I thought I had left it all behind, but what I really left behind was Toby. If it weren’t for those pictures . . . if you hadn’t left me there, none of that would have ever happened. Was I so disgusting then? Were you that repulsed by my body?”

  “No!” he shouted, grasping my shoulders. “No, never! I swear, Raven . . . I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was you.”

  “Then what was it? Why did you leave me?” I was shouting too. Screaming and crying and blubbering like a fool. “What did I do to make you physically sick? What happened? Tell me! Help me understand!”

  He let go of my shoulders and dropped onto the bed, his hands covering his face. He was shaking, but so was I. I fell to my knees in front of him and grasped his wrists. I needed answers. I would never find peace if I didn’t know why.

  “Please, Dom,” I whispered. “What did I do?”

  “Nothing,” he croaked. “I . . . I see blood . . . there. I can’t . . . hurt someone . . . there. It takes me back. Takes me back to when I was bleeding and crying and hurting like that. It makes me feel like a monster. Like him. I get sick. I always got sick when he did it. I would vomit and be left to lay in my own blood and bile. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

  Oh my God.

  Oh my God.

  I was wrong. All these years, I hated him for intentionally hurting me, and he hadn’t. He was still hurting himself.

  I couldn’t help myself. I wrapped my arms around his trembling frame and held on tight. I couldn’t lose him now. He had seen my crazy, and I had seen his. There was no reason to pretend anymore.

  “I love you, Dom. I love you and I’m sorry.”

  “No,” he whispered.

  I lifted my head from his knee. “Huh?”

  “No,” he repeated, louder this time. He moved out of my grasp and scrambled to his feet. “No, Raven. You can’t love me. Look at the pain I’ve caused. Look what my . . . affliction . . . has done to you. To Toby. You don’t need me in your lives. You need someone safe and honorable. Someone normal.�
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  I was on my feet too, angrily dashing away tears. “What are you doing? I told you I love you, and you tell me I can’t? Screw you! I don’t care about your past, Dom. We all have skeletons. And here I am, saying that I’m cool with yours. Shit, I’ll bring mine—they’ll hang out. I don’t want someone normal. I want you.”

  He shook his head and looked away. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry? For what?”

  “I’m sorry . . . but I don’t want you. Not anymore. I regret hurting you, and it pains me to have to do this, but I have to end this now.” When he turned to look at me, his bloodshot eyes were empty and cold, exactly how I felt at that moment. “I don’t do relationships, Raven. I thought you understood that. They call me Dirty for a reason. Just ask your friends at the club.”

  I sucked my teeth, my nostrils flaring with anger. “I know what you’re doing, Dom. I won’t let you do this. You’re not going to push me away with that Dirty Dom bullshit. So fuck your reasons. I won’t let you do this.”

  “Do what? I fuck whoever I want, whenever I want, Raven. That’s who I am. What . . . did you think you were special? You were a challenge, I’ll give you that, but now that I’ve had it, I have no purpose for you anymore.”

  “Shut up! I won’t let you say these things . . . these lies! You’re not like that, Dom! Stop pretending!”

  “Pretending? Sweetheart, I’ve been pretending my whole life. Haven’t you heard? Didn’t Amanda make that abundantly clear? But I’m not pretending about this. Raven, you’re cute. But cute isn’t enough. We had fun, I’ll admit, but I’ve moved on. So should you.”

  “Moved on?” Here came the fucking tears again.

  “What? You thought I was alone those two days when I wasn’t answering your calls. I was busy, Raven. Busy with someone else. Sorry.”

  I covered my mouth with trembling fingers, feeling like I would hurl at any moment. This wasn’t supposed to happen. How could I be so stupid? How could I think for one minute that he could love me back? When he was incapable of even loving himself?

  He wasn’t like he was in high school. He was worse. He knew what he was doing now, and he didn’t give a fuck.

  “Now, if you’ll excuse me, Angel and her friend are expecting me. You should go. Unless you want to join, of course.”

  I forced myself not to break apart in front of him. I wouldn’t let him see that he’d hurt me again. Not anymore. It would probably get him off. That was what sick son of a bitches like him reveled in—destroying others.

  I went over to where I had dropped my purse and picked it up off the ground. Then without a word, I reached inside and pulled out the peace offering I had brought for him, setting it on his dresser. I should have thrown it at him or shattered it in a million pieces, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. And I didn’t want to keep it. I didn’t want any trace of him in my life.

  Dominic Trevino had done it again. He had ripped me apart without an ounce of remorse. And this time I had let him.

  I WAS A LIAR. No. I was worse than that. I was a murderer. I had killed the only thing that mattered to me outside of my family. I had killed my only shot at happiness.

  Years and years of lying had made me good at it. Raven believed I could actually move on so quickly. That I could even see any girl but her. I had to tell her that. I had to make her see that I was defective. That I would always be flawed. And she didn’t need that in her life. Not after what I had already done to her.

  I vaguely remembered that girl in high school. After the incident, I had fallen into a dark place, completely humiliated and disgusted with myself. I never fucked virgins. It was a policy of mine. I had only made an exception with Angel, but that was a different circumstance. We were both fucked up, and just needed . . . someone. Something to ease the pain. And after, we both cried together. She knew she was a lesbian, no matter how badly she tried not to be. And I knew that I’d never have a normal relationship without that monster looming over me, watching, waiting for me to show weakness.

  I knew I was drunk that night at the party. Drunk and horny and desperate. Honestly, I didn’t even remember Raven’s face. She could have been anyone. That was how fucked up in the head I was. I just needed a warm, wet hole. I had absolutely no self-respect.

  My legs were like jelly, but they somehow carried me over to my dresser where a coffee cup sat. I thought she had returned the one I gave her, opening a fresh wound from the countless scars of rejection, but then I turned it around. And the sentiment . . . the idea that she had thought about me . . . it was enough to make me stumble backwards until I had collapsed onto the floor in a heap of misery.

  It was a colored drawing of a smiling taco, and with it were the words Let’s Taco ‘Bout It. Through tears, I laughed out loud. Even when she hated me, she made me happy. I didn’t deserve her; I never had. Maybe I was playing myself into thinking I could somehow change for her. That I could be someone I wasn’t. How foolish of me to tell myself those lies.

  It was late, but I didn’t want to sleep, so I fashioned my resignation letter to Helping Hands and emailed it Amber. Even if I was staying, I couldn’t work there. I was no good to those kids. They needed a role model, not a liability.

  I could hear Angel and her date across the hall. I had no idea who it could be; probably some chick she picked up at Dive during last call. She was hurting, and like me, mindless sex was the anecdote. It didn’t cure us. It just numbed the pain. I thought about doing the same . . . finding some hole to purge my sins and bury them deep until they could no longer be seen, if only for a little while. But the thought of touching another person—kissing another person that wasn’t Raven—disgusted me. But the fact that I couldn’t imagine being intimate with a woman—couldn’t do the one thing that made me a man—terrified me even more.

  I grabbed my keys and coat, and all but running out of the apartment. I didn’t know where I was going, let alone know what I would do once I was there. I drove around, searching for something I would never find. I drove until the city lights began fade into the greys and blues of dawn. Until I found myself on that cliff that overlooked the city. The cliff where I took Raven’s virginity so many years ago . . . ruined her in the backseat of some stranger’s car. But it was also the place where she had driven us to use me as her muse. She joked and giggled as she snapped photos of every one of my awkward poses. Then she looked to the sky, arms spread wide, and basked in the moonlight as I captured every smile, every laugh, every flutter of those dark lashes.

  Why had she taken me here, when it held such a negative connotation for us both? It was as if she wanted me to remember. And then what? Forgive and forget? Or maybe her plight was to push me away all along. Like she had tried in the beginning.

  This was what she wanted; she just didn’t realize it yet. But soon she would see that it was for the best. She would see that she couldn’t allow herself to be caged by my failure. I loved her too much for that. I had to set her free.

  So I bit back my fears and approached the cliff’s edge. With arms stretched wide, I lifted my tear-streaked face to the heavens, and I said goodbye.

  Thursday was a faceless girl from the bar on the corner.

  I didn’t have the guts to go back to Dive yet. I wasn’t ready for the stares and whispers. Everyone knew what I was now, and they would never look at me the same.

  The girl was cute enough, a barista at a local coffee shop. She was out with her friends, drinking cheap margaritas, looking for someone to warm her bed, and eventually her heart.

  I couldn’t do it. I tried, but I couldn’t. She ended up sucking me off until her lips were sore before giving up. I blamed it on the alcohol, but I wasn’t drunk. She told me to call her. I smiled and kissed her on the forehead.

  Friday was Lauren from the gym.

  I chalked up my failure to launch on the fact that I was in a strange place with a strange woman. So running into Lauren on her way to the sauna was a happy coincidence. At least that was what
I told myself.

  It started out fine at first. She took me to a storage closet, whipped off her itty-bitty sports bra and pushed her tits together. I licked and sucked them like a starving man, willing myself to focus on the sensations coursing through my body. But I couldn’t help thinking that Raven’s breasts were so much nicer—soft and natural and the perfect size to fit in my palms. And I couldn’t help but notice that her lips were not as full and plush as Raven’s. And her body—while fit and toned—lacked the curves that I had worshipped the night when I made love to Raven.

  I couldn’t stop seeing her . . . feeling her. I couldn’t make myself stop wanting her. And I knew what I had to do. I had to make her hate me. Hate me more than I already hated myself.

  Saturday was Cherri. Even if it killed me.

  I showed up at The Pink Kitty well after midnight, after all the dumbass frat boys and bachelor party douchewads were already drunk and broke. I knew she would be here—Cherri always worked Saturdays. She was a headliner and Sal’s pretty little cash cow.

  I expected her to be pissed at me for blowing her off, but Cherri was more than happy to see me. She bounded over to me and placed her thong-clad ass on my lap before kissing my lips.

  “Oh my God, baby, where have you been?” she squealed.

  “Busy.”

  “Yeah? Too busy for me?” Her hands were in my hair, and it felt like spiders crawling all over me. I grabbed her wrists and held them to her lap.

  “That was then. I’m here now. Let’s go somewhere more private and talk.”

  The smile on her face could’ve split her face in two. She hopped onto her platform heeled feet and tugged on my hands. “Come with me.”

  And I did. I would.

  I WAS EXHAUSTED—BOTH mentally and physically drained. I hadn’t slept a wink since I left Dom’s apartment three nights ago, and keeping food down was a bust as well. I was only surviving on pure will at this point, and the sheer need to pay our bills. My hours working as a CNA paid the rent, but my tips paid for everything else. Raising a kid wasn’t easy, but it was a job I was proud to do. Toby was the only family I had left, and I had to do right by him, no matter how wholly I suffered.