One Complicated Christmas

by Ciara Knight

  Chapter 13

  Snow began to stick, leaving the rocky terrain slick. I slipped and slid despite my snow boots. “You don’t have to prove to me that you can get this tree cut down and back to the lodge.”

  “Almost got it.”

  Woof! Woof!

  Clack. Crack. Creak.

  “Timber!”

  Souffle darted behind me like a scardey dog—or maybe smart.

  The tree splintered and fell to one side, colliding with another tree, and then it slid down to lie flat on the ground.

  “See.” Seth looked like he’d just closed the biggest deal of his life. How could this be the same man who, only a year ago, I had to drag to the lookout in Christmas Mountain because he didn’t want to climb the rock? “Yes, I can see that.” I clapped, wanting to give him his moment of triumph.

  Woof! Woof! Woof!

  He tossed the axe to the side and then grabbed the trunk and yanked, but it didn’t budge. “Geesh, that’s heavier than I thought.”

  I stood there watching and realized he wasn’t giving up, so I went to the opposite side of the tree. “You do realize this tree probably weighs around 140 pounds, right?”

  “Heck, I can lift that at the gym no problem. Must be the altitude.”

  “Or the fact that you just spent almost forty-five minutes chopping it down. Your arms must be on fire.”

  He grabbed ahold of some bottom branches and yanked it two feet or so before taking a breath. “I see your point.”

  Souffle bounded around us and over the tree as if wanting to help us. “Sorry, girl. You need opposable thumbs for this job.”

  She lowered her nose to the snow in obvious disappointment.

  I snugged my gloves up under my coat sleeves to keep them from coming off and grabbed some branches on the other side. “Ready?”

  “Ready.”

  We tugged and pulled and slid down the mountain. The only reason we even could make it back down was because of good old gravity. Souffle was a great supervisor.

  Snow fell from the sky harder and faster, and by the time we reached the lodge, the ground was covered. We both collapsed, winded and tired and wet and cold and sweating. Souffle licked my gloved hands and nuzzled my cheek.

  “We did it,” I mumbled, surprised and relieved.

  “See what we can do together?” Seth shoulder bumped me and rested his head to mine, temple to temple. And I didn’t move away. “Looks like you’ve made a new friend.”

  “She’s sweet.” I patted Souffle’s head and didn’t even pull the silver hairs from the ribbing in my gloves. “Okay, you’ve made your point. But how are we going to get the tree inside and stand it up? We both can barely move.”

  He laughed. “That I can pay someone else to do. I guess I’m only half lumberjack for now, but I think I’ve proven my point that I’m not all—how did you put it last year when I tried to win that bear for you at the festival? Oh right—tailored tycoon with no sense of the real world.”

  “That might have been in the heat of the moment. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve always liked how put together you are. You made me feel like you had everything under control. Something I never seem to accomplish.”

  He hopped up and took me by the elbow to help me stand. “Time for you to keep your promise.”

  “Promise?”

  “Yep, hot chocolate. You get inside and get warmed up. I’ll deal with the tree and be in soon.”

  “You got it.”

  He brushed a snowflake from my cheek. The touch warmed my chilled face all the way to my lips. “It’s a date.”

  His eyes shot wide and shone bright at my words, but he didn’t say anything.

  Protests shot to my lips, but I smashed them shut. There was no reason to argue any more with him. I’d be leaving the day after Christmas for a Caribbean getaway, and he’d return to LA.

  I went to the kitchen and tugged off my coat, hat, gloves, and boots before working on the hot chocolate. The secret was in the homemade marshmallows and the use of Ceylon cinnamon. Heck, I even added a touch of vanilla bean.

  The warmth of the steam caressed my skin like a good facial. I stirred the chocolate, watching it melt. In the quiet of my kitchen, I dared to let my mind wonder to thoughts of how this could work out. If he wanted to continue working, then he’d be too busy for a family. Maybe the orphan Christmas event was a way of giving back to the system he grew up in. Last year, he’d said that kids weren’t in his plans. Maybe we really did have a shot at something together. It might not last forever, but he’d promised to stay through Christmas. By then I’d hopefully know if it would work between us. I would test the waters but keep my heart safe through the holidays. No reason to fall too quick for the man who swept me off my feet before.

  With a final stir, I poured the remaining ingredients into the pot, careful not to overcook it, and then poured it into two mugs.

  Sounds of thumps and grunts echoed from the main room, so I knew someone was getting that tree inside. That massive, beautiful tree that we’d brought down the mountain together.

  I dropped a few of the homemade marshmallows on top, cleaned up the counter, stove, and pot, and then headed to the main room where the tree stood to the roof with just enough cut away for a tree topper. Seth stood by the fire rubbing his shoulders. Souffle had collapsed in her favorite spot near the hearth, snoring.

  “It looks amazing. Thank you.” I rounded the couch and handed him a cup.

  He reached for it but cringed. “You’re welcome.”

  “You hurt?”

  “No. A little sore, that’s all.” He took his cup and sat on the edge of the couch watching the flames.

  “Here. Let me help.” I set my mug on the coffee table and removed his scarf.

  “I guess I’m more of a mean entrepreneur than lumberjack.”

  “I don’t know. I think you did better than most men from the area.”

  He took a sip and closed his eyes. Dark lashes brushed his cheeks, and I could hear him swallow. “That’s delicious. Perfect.”

  I ignored his insinuation that more than his beverage was perfect and rubbed down his neck and shoulders, where I felt several knots. His skin was soft and warm and flawless. His hair perfectly cut like always. Not even a stubble on the back of his neck. How did he always maintain such perfection? How could I ever live up to such perfection? I’d always failed my mother.

  After several minutes, his chin dropped to his chest and he sighed. “Thank you. That’s so much better.”

  He captured my hand and kissed my wrist, sending flutters through me.

  “You’re welcome.” I retrieved my cup and leaned back on the sofa, admiring the tree. He snuggled in next to me. For a long time, we sat side-by-side watching the fire and enjoying the aroma of pine and cinnamon.

  When Seth finished his hot cocoa, he took my cup and placed it next to his and then turned to face me. “You know, you can trust me with anything. I won’t judge. If you dated someone else while I was away, or you decided that you never want to get married, or, I don’t know, anything. I can take it. You can trust me. We can talk about it.”

  I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t. How could I tell him something I’d only told Ashley? How could I tell this perfect man that I had made a mistake that not only ruined my life but would ruin his if he wanted a real family? I couldn’t.

  “I-I…” Words. They weren’t there. Only the dark hole of loss in the pit of my stomach. I choked on the truth. It was my fault and I owned my mistakes, but did he have to? “Seth, I appreciate you taking a leap and coming here, and I understand that you want to find something that you fear your life won’t be complete without. But I’m not that person. I’m not the one your partner was referring to. I’m not…not…perfect.”

  The room sat quiet, and I knew he hoped I’d say more, but I couldn’t. What if it didn’t work out anyway? Then I would never have to see the look of disappointment in his eyes. I moved to grab the box, to decorate, to cover th
e scars of Christmas pasts. And he let me go.

  “Who hurt you so badly? Please say it wasn’t me,” Seth said with a ragged breath.

  I spun and faced him with the realization that he thought I was so deeply hurt by him that he’d broken me. “It wasn’t you. You’re right. I sent you away, and you chose to leave. Yes, it hurt both of us, but we both knew it wouldn’t work.”

  He relaxed and dropped his head to his hands. “Thank God. I never want to be the man who hurt you so deeply.”

  I put the box down and faced the wall, filtering through all the possibilities. Tell him? Don’t tell him? Run away and avoid him until he returned to LA? Fall into his arms and hope for a real future?

  Footsteps approached, and I knew Seth was closing in from behind. I wanted to run, to hide from everything.

  “I don’t expect you to be perfect. No one’s perfect. I cherish you just the way you are, and to make sure I ease any uncertainty… I had already been considering returning here before I found out about my partner. His illness and words only solidified my plans.” His lips pressed to the back of my neck, and I shivered at his touch.

  “I told you I would stay through Christmas, that we could decide then, but honestly, I won’t leave until you send me away or I have you back.”

  He stepped away. A cold draft swept over me, and I wanted to pull him back.

  “Until then, let’s decorate this room and get the work done so that you are free for dinner tonight.”

  “No need. I can do it. You should go get to your work. I’m sure emails and phone calls are piling up. I’ve never seen you without your phone for so long,” I shot at him, reminding him he didn’t have time to hang out with me all night.

  “My phone is off, so that problem is solved. Stop pushing me away. I know you’re scared, but—”

  “I’m not scared.” I grabbed the garland out of the box for over the door. “I just have work to do.”

  Seth took the garland from me. “Are you telling me you don’t want me here? That you’d prefer I left? Because if so, I think you’re lying to me and yourself. You feel something, the same way I feel something between us. It’s real and raw and rewarding.”

  I reached for the tree decorations I’d had Hector retrieve from storage. “There is so much to do. That’s all.”

  “Leave the tree. I was thinking we should decorate it with the children when they arrive.”

  I clasped the ornament to my chest. The flawless glass next to my cracked and withered heart.

  “Listen, I know you well enough to guess that you’re keeping something from me. It was a thorn in our relationship last time, but now it’s a Redwood tree. A reason that we can’t be together beyond our jobs. Last time I pressed for you to make a choice. This time I won’t. This time I’ll let you have the time you need to think through things. If there is one thing I’ve learned in the last year, it is that I have to be more patient with people.”

  I dared to look at him and noticed a slump to his shoulders. “Why’s that?” I asked.

  He shook his head, as if shaking off a memory. “Nothing. Just that I can’t force or buy everything I want in life.”

  “There’s something you’re not sharing now.”

  “Maybe.” He let out a long breath.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “As I said, this time I won’t push.” His tone sounded serious, and I wondered what could’ve happened to shake Seth to his core. But in less than a heartbeat, his face morphed from sad and confused to inquisitive and longing. He leaned in close, too close for me to breathe or think or deny that I still had feelings for this man. “I tell you what. You tell me your secrets, and I’ll tell you mine.”

  Chapter 14

  All night I dreamed about Seth and me by the Christmas tree. At three in the morning, I bolted upright with inspiration, and I couldn’t wait to get to the kitchen to experiment.

  The snow fell in blankets, but it wouldn’t last for long. It was only a preholiday storm, but I knew in a few hours there would be some private snowboarders trying out the fresh powder.

  I tiptoed inside the lodge, turned on the kitchen lights, and wrapped the ribbon of my apron around my waist, tying it in the front.

  “You couldn’t sleep either?” Seth’s deep voice jolted through me.

  My hand flew to my chest. “Do you always creep around in the middle of the night?”

  He strutted out from the dark corner. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  After my heartbeat slowed, I could manage a coherent thought. “Why couldn’t you sleep?”

  “Honestly?” He chuckled. The deep, raspy kind. “I’m embarrassed to admit it, but my back and shoulders were keeping me up. Each time I rolled, a spasm would take hold of a muscle.” He looked handsome and relaxed in flannel pajama pants, a long-sleeved fitted T-shirt, and slippers.

  “Sometimes things are worth working for and we pay the price later. I have to say that the tree is the most beautiful one we’ve ever had here. As a matter of fact, I’d love to make it a new tradition to cut down our own tree each year.” A heat rushed up my neck to my cheeks. “I mean for the lodge.”

  “Understood.” He hooked one finger around the bow I’d tied. “And you? What has you up at this crazy hour?”

  A rush of adrenaline made me want to run for a spatula. “The ideas were flowing through me. I couldn’t just lie in bed. I had to come work. It’s been a while since I was this excited about being in the kitchen.”

  “Then let’s get started.” Seth retrieved the other apron—the one with pink polka dots on it—and tied it around his waist.

  “You know how to cook?” I lifted one brow at him.

  “No, but I can follow directions.” He tilted his head to one side, and his middle-of-the-night hair fell over his right eye in a sexy, come-brush-me-away kind of motion. “Okay, I’ll confess, I’m better at barking orders than following directions, but consider it the Seth Mason overhaul plan.”

  “I don’t think you need to overhaul. I like you the way you are.” I grabbed a baking sheet and the mixer and set them out on the counter.

  “What are we making?” Seth asked.

  “A winter wonderland. Or, at least I’m going to try to see how this works out. My plan was to have it ready to show you tomorrow, where I’d wow you with my creative genius, but I guess that isn’t going to happen.”

  “I don’t know… The way you look in that apron wows me enough to want to cook with you.” He grabbed a pastry brush and saluted with it. “Your wish is my command, Chef Emma.”

  “I think you should win the sexiest cook alive trophy. Those ruffles are perfect.”

  He turned and swayed his hips and then posed like a model. I roared with laughter, so he clapped his hand over my mouth to stifle me. “Shh. Do you want Frank to catch us alone in the kitchen? I mean, you did say he was hot. I’m worried he might sweep you off your feet.”

  “I understand your concern. I’ll whisper my orders.”

  True to his word, he mixed, sifted, pounded, and rolled at my every command.

  “Don’t forget to flour the surface before you roll out that cookie dough.”

  “You mean with this?” He grabbed a handful of flour and tossed it at me.

  “Ah, you’re going to have to help clean up after this, you know.”

  He leaned into me with a seductive look. “It’s worth it.” He smeared more flour down my nose.

  I grabbed a handful and plopped it on the top of his head, sending a white cloud around him.

  “Oh, now who has a mess to clean up?”

  He slung another mound at me, and I retaliated until there was a puff of white around us and we were sliding on the tile floor.

  We both looked like ghosts by the time we were done with our flour fight, but we laughed and laughed and laughed until my side hurt.

  Beep. Beep. Beep.

  “The first batch is ready.” I shuffled through the pile of flour and retrieved the goodies fro
m the oven. It wasn’t until around five a.m. that we sat down at the table with a massive number of various cookies and sweets.

  Seth swept up most of the flour and wiped down the counters. That’s when I realized I hadn’t obsessed about it. I hadn’t even thought about the mess. “Now what?” He snagged a dishcloth, dampened it, and tipped my chin up. He gently wiped away the residue on my face. “I thought I should be thorough if I had to prove I’m capable of clean up.” He kissed the tip of my nose.

  I found my hands clinging to his waist, and I relished the closeness in my quiet lodge kitchen with Seth.

  He set the dish towel on the counter. “So?”

  “So what?”

  “We need to use all this stuff.” He pointed to the counter and tableful of cookies and frosting.

  “Oh, right. We’re making a winter wonderland.” I sat at the table and directed Seth to bring me various cookies. Hours passed and he never stopped helping, even when his eyes looked heavy and his shoulders slumped as he sipped on coffee at my side.

  I dusted powdered sugar for the finishing touch when the clock chimed eight, and it was hard to believe that time had flown by so quickly.

  “You’re the Michelangelo of confectionary design. This looks like something out of a magazine or a world-famous cookbook.” Seth leaned over as if inspecting it further, despite watching me put it together for the last several hours. “The detail is outstanding. It is an exact replica of the lodge and surrounding lands.” He lifted me from my chair and planted a kiss on my cheek. “You are beyond gifted.”

  Despite my fatigue, I felt like I’d just drunk a dozen espressos with a few Red Bulls mixed in. “Thank you.”

  “We need to celebrate. I’m going to shower, and then I’ll get you from your cabin and we’ll take Souffle on a hike. I’m sure she’s up and ready for a walk. Then I’ll treat you to lunch in Blacktail.”

  Before I could refuse, citing work and obligations, Seth raced out to the main room. I finished cleaning up and then hung my apron on the hook in my office.