by T. Styles
Once Keisha was out of the room, I looked down at my hand, I didn’t realize that I was carrying the bat I kept by the door. Some instincts come back, even when you don’t know it. Although I felt like fucking Kelsi up for his disrespect, I knew he was still a man, who was capable of whooping my ass.
“Ma, please calm down,” he said in a low voice as he stood on his bed.
“Sit the fuck down! We have to talk and we have to talk now!”
“Okay, Ma but can you calm down please.”
“Kelsi…you’re not giving any more orders around this fucking house. Now sit the fuck down!”
When he wobbled his way into the sitting position on his bed, I grabbed the chair and sat in it backward, with one hand on the back of the chair and the other on the bat. I looked him dead in his eyes. I wanted to evoke all of the things I hid from myself in him. I wanted him to know that although he had height on me that was about it. I saw more shit in my day than he’d see in his entire life. Without saying a word, I knew Kelsi had a glimpse of my violent past and it scared the hell out of him.
“When Delonte told you I wanted to talk to you, why didn’t you get your narrow ass on the phone?” I questioned slowly as I tapped the bat on the floor.
“Ma…uh…I didn’t get on the phone because…uh…Delonte was bothering me.” Kelsi stuttered.
“So let me get this straight. You didn’t get on the phone, although it was me, because Delonte was bothering you?” I kept my voice low. I knew raising my voice would remind him of the old me and I wanted to break the tradition, at least for tonight. I didn’t want him to know what to expect.
“Ma, it wasn’t like that. Can you please put the bat down?”
“Kelsi if I put this bat down, it’ll be on the top of your head.”
His look was that of confusion and mine was that of rage. I was giving him a taste of the hood that was still in me, because it never left my soul.
“Kelsi, I’m your mother and you had no right disrespecting me tonight. I was scared, and afraid something happened to you. Delonte –”
“That’s what I’m saying, Ma he worried you, not me.”
“Interrupt me again,” I said as I took three breaths so deep, my nostrils flared. “And I’ll knock the fuck out of you with this bat.” Kelsi’s eyes got wide because he knew when I used a cuss word, I wasn’t playing, well whenever I cussed at him anyway. “ See I know you’re a man now. I can see you, Kelsi, I have eyes. I don’t proclaim to be able to whoop your ass no more with my bare hands, but I can knock you the hell out with this bat. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes Ma’am.”
Yes Ma’am. I like that. I’ve only been here for five minutes and I’m already making progress. I continued where I left off.
“Whatever beef you have with Delonte, eat it!” I said looking at him. “Because it doesn’t excuse you for disrespecting me. You will respect me even if you don’t respect him. Kelsi, let me tell you a few things about your mother that you don’t know. I think when I talk to you sometimes you think I’m talking out the side of my neck. The shit I’m trying to instill in you has been lessons I’ve learned personally. I never told you this, but before my daddy died, he made me have sex with every one of my brothers. He told them that the best way to learn how a woman worked was to be with one. I was only 11 years old and I had all of ‘em, including my father. One by one they climbed on top of me whenever they got the urge. For years I felt used. All I wanted was for my daddy to protect me, instead, he turned his back.”
Kelsi squinted his eyes as they filled with tears. Determined not to let me see them drop, he turned his head. I knew it hurt to hear his grandfather and his uncles had raped me, especially since he never knew them. I turned his head toward me and continued speaking.
“He loved the boys, Kelsi. He loved all four of my brothers. I’d hear him all the time saying, Watch your back. Never let them see you sweat. Walk with your head up. I’ve told you many of the things I’ve heard him say to them and a few other things I’ve learned in the past. Although he wasn’t talking to me, and could care less about me, I listened anyway. When I was strong enough to leave, at 13 years old, his words were all I took with me. My mother tried to help me but she was too weak. One day, she handed me a Crown Royal bag filled with change. As I took the bag from her, her fingers touched mine and we both stared at each other. Her eyes were filled with so much pain. When she couldn’t stare any longer, she blinked, and I saw a tear roll down her left cheek. She pulled me close to her, told me she was sorry, kissed me and told me to go as far away as I could. Kelsi, she kissed me…me! For weeks I didn’t wash my face because it was the first time she’d ever shown me any type of affection. The day she left him was the day I contacted her but I never saw him or my brothers again.”
“I ran with a group for years called the Monopoly Honeys. We stuck people up, jumped girls and even stabbed a few folks. I was involved in a life so dark, telling you everything could possibly endanger you. I learned quickly and the streets protected and looked after me. I could sense when danger was near but I was so involved in that lifestyle, that I went into it anyway.”
“Men came in and out of my life, taking from me what they could. My dignity and self-respect were the first things to go. All I wanted was a man to be there for me and I didn’t care about nothing else but it never happened. Not even when I met your father. He made me do everything from stabbing women who owed him money to selling my body to settle deals he had with people he owed and Shelly was right there too.”
I realized I was giving him a lot, but I couldn’t stop. I felt if I stopped to think about what I was saying, I wouldn’t say anything. It killed me to see the tears form in his eyes and run down his face but what I was telling him needed to be told.
“I always thought he loved Shelly more than me. Your father that is. He met me first and I still felt she was his favorite. I found out later that he beat her every single day they were together. He beat her because she wasn’t willing to do everything I did to prove her love. It’s because of his bullshit that Lorenzo Jr.’s slow. He beat her so bad that she had complications with her pregnancy.”
Kelsi reflected on his limited interactions with Lorenzo Jr. He knew something was wrong, but never could have imagined that his father caused that boy’s problems.
“He didn’t have that problem with me. I was the Down Ass Chick you hear about on all the time. Some of the worst things I did happened in New York. I dealt with a man who sold me out to protect himself and he almost killed me Kelsi! This mothafucka shot me and threw me in the back of his trunk just to protect his ass. If it wasn’t for me running into the right person, I’d probably be dead .So trust me, I’ve been in the streets and know what I’m talking about,” I said as the flashbacks of my past haunted me for a few seconds.
“I could have easily gone back to a lifestyle of slinging and dealing but I work my ass off so you can be safe Kelsi. I work my ass off so you don’t have to be in somebody’s trunk or on somebody’s corner like I was. The thing about that lifestyle is you are never truly free of it. Believe me son, the hood is alive and lives in me. If you ever disrespect me again, you’ll get a chance to see it. I swear until I take my last breath on this earth, you will.”
Kelsi wiped his tears with the palms of his hands but his eyes were still red. He looked down at the floor and up at me again.
“I have to tell you something, Ma.”
“What is it?” I asked wondering if he understood what I was saying.
“I killed someone today.”
There was silence.
I felt heavy.
My mind wandered everywhere.
I wondered where Delonte was.
I wondered what we were going to eat tomorrow.
Damn it’s hot in here.
Did I lock the door?
My mind started racing to everything else but what my son just told me. I felt if I thought about something else, it would erase everything he s
aid, including his confession of murder. Although in my heart, I had a feeling something major happened the moment Delonte described how he acted and looked when he came home tonight. I’d been around it too much in the past.
“Ma. Did you hear me? I murdered this dude named Charles Rick.”
I was trying to think about what I was going to say. My thoughts were all over the place and I needed to convey the right message to my child. Whatever that meant. The conversations I was prepared to have with my son were for pregnancies, marriages and even hustling…but not murder.
“Kelsi, what happened?”
“Remember when I came in with the stitches the other day?”
I didn’t say anything because shaking my head would possibly confuse me and I needed to understand everything he was saying.
“Well, he took the end of his gun and beat me with it that day.”
“Who is he?”
“The dude I killed.”
“Go ahead, Kelsi.”
“Well…I wasn’t playing no ball, but just so you know, niggas do play touch football on the concrete all the time, I don’t care what Delonte says.”
“But why, Kelsi?” I asked feeling good that I was coming back to reality. “Why did he hit you with the gun?” I asked not entertaining his touch football comment.
“I don’t know why, Ma. He’s been fucking –”
His eyes grew big because he realized he cussed in front of me again, but what he was telling me was so serious, that cussing was the only way to describe the reasons for taking another person’s life.
“It’s cool. Go ahead, Kelsi.”
“Well, he’d been messing with me since last year. I don’t know why and he didn’t give me a reason but yesterday things got out of control. We fought and he had a gun and used it to hit me with. Then tonight, I came home and he was in front of our building, Ma. He went too far. I ain’t want him hurting you or me so I did what I had to do.”
“Hurting me? Why would you think he’d hurt me?”
“Because he was the one who spoke to you that night you came home.”
A flood of fear took over me for a second. I was totally unaware that anything was going on and that would have been a perfect opportunity for him to come after me.
“So the boy with the scar,” I paused. “The one who was outside the other night, is the one you killed?”
“Yes. And I would’ve killed him then if he’d hurt you.”
It felt good to know that he was thinking about me, but it could have just been the euphoric feeling I felt because the blood was rushing to my head instantly due to everything that was happening.
I also realized Kelsi was lying his ass off.
Every man on earth who has ever had a beef knows why and he was no exception. Kelsi was doing an awful job of lying to me and for that one moment, his real age came through. But asking him why and probing him for questions wasn’t going to help the situation, so I left it alone.
“Kelsi, where’s the body?”
Damn where did that come from? I know I said the hood was still in me, but now it had taken over. Suddenly I was concerned with separating any connection between my son and the dead body. I was worried about forensics.
“Uh, I put him in the dumpster. I took his clothes off and put them in the bag under the bed. I kept the gun too.”
I smiled inside because he was using his head. He was more careful than I thought.
“Good, Kelsi. Does anyone else know but me?”
“I didn’t tell no one and I mean no one.”
I knew he was referring to his girl and that comforted me. A little.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive, Ma.” He assured.
“Because that would cause major problems.”
“I know.”
“Okay, we’re going to burn the clothes in the bag. Do you remember him scratching you or anything?”
“No, not really,” he said in a low voice.
I knew DNA was a mothafucka and if the body had any on him, anything we did to dispose of the body would be null and void if it were found.
“Okay. You’re going to go to school as normal. Don’t do anything different, Kelsi. Go the same places you go and do the same things you do. The cops will come around because I’m sure someone has seen you two fighting, even if you don’t know who they are. Someone will talk, maybe even somebody close to you.” I was giving silent implies to his girlfriend. “But stay strong, baby. Don’t crack and remember that now that you’ve committed the ultimate crime, the streets are watching.”
I stood up and put the chair back where I got it. I walked toward the door and before turning around to look at him, I softened my face. I felt it was time to bring back his mother, instead of the gangsta bitch I just introduced him to, because he needed her more than ever. I turned around and said, “Kelsi, I love you. Don’t worry; together they can’t fuck with us. Trust me.”
He let out a half smile and I opened the door. When I did, Delonte was standing in the doorway.
I wondered how much he’d heard.
CHAPTER SEVEN
SEPTEMBER 18th
SUNDAY, 10:30AM
JANET
When I woke up I had the worst taste in my mouth. It tasted like I’d been smoking and then ate the cigarette butts. My head felt like I’d walked on it all night. The alarm clock was ringing and I couldn’t pull myself up to cut it off. The sound was becoming so excruciating, that each bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp, felt like someone was knocking me in the temples.
“Delonte. Delonte. Can you cut the alarm off for me?”
“What?” He said with his heavy morning voice.
“I said, can you cut the alarm off for me?”
“Come on, Janet. You closer. Cut it off yourself.”
I couldn’t stand him sometimes. Still lying on my stomach, I pulled myself up like a newborn baby trying to raise her head for the first time and slammed my hand down over the alarm clock. When I was sure it was off, I plopped back down on the bed.
I almost knocked the empty glass over that held the Grey Goose vodka I was drinking at 2 o’clock in the morning.
I guess I was hoping to drink myself back into a time, before any of this happened. I couldn’t imagine my baby going to jail and I couldn’t imagine somebody killing him. I didn’t know what to expect because Kelsi hadn’t told me everything that happened, but I was ready.
Whoever tried to take him from me had to take me first. I spent all night talking to Delonte and trying to figure out how much he heard. I’m sure the drunker I got the more obvious I became. So if he didn’t hear anything, my bad acting job definitely let him know we were having an intense conversation in his room. After all, why else would Lakeisha be in our room?
He swore up and down he’d just got there when I opened the door, but something in his eyes told me different. He had a look of satisfaction on his face. It was almost as if he had one up on me, on us. I can’t do any of this right now. I have to go back to sleep.
STILL IN BED
12:15PM
I rolled over and put my hand on the space where Delonte had been. Where was he? I opened the drawer next to my bed and pulled out the pack of BC Powders. Removing one from the box, I opened the cellophane paper and poured the powdered substance into my mouth. I used remnants from the liquor in the bottle to wash it down. They’re the only things that worked for my headache. I sat up straight in the bed and nestled my feet in the carpet on the floor. It was time to face my day. I desperately needed God’s help to do it too.
I walked toward the bedroom door and stopped short when I heard Delonte on the phone. Hiding behind the door, I listen to his entire conversation.
“I know something else was up,” he said.
He was trying his hardest to talk low but his voice was so deep, that even his whispers carried.
“I know man and I’m tired of his shit. She pacifies him too much.”
I put my ear closer to the door to m
ake sure I was hearing this shit right.
“I’ll let you know later. Just answer your phone. Don’t do anything now and remember that as long as I’m good, let things be good.”
I backed up from the door and sat back on the bed. I didn’t know how to take what I just heard and I didn’t know what he meant. Was I sleeping with the enemy? Had I let the one man in my home, who was out to hurt us, instead of help us? If I’m good, let things be good. What the fuck does that mean? For some reason, the man I wanted in my life, I now wanted out of it.
Five minutes later Delonte walked into the bedroom. He looked surprised that I was up and staring at the walls. He didn’t know that the walls, although blank for him, were filled for me with all the shit I had going on in my head. I saw plans for attack and outlines for the days to come.
“I didn’t even know you was up,” he said in a guilty tone.
“You wouldn’t.” I let out by accident.
“Now what’s wrong? What, you need some more money or something?”
I was trying to be careful, really careful, because I was having old feelings and it was scaring me a little. His lying was making me so infuriated, that in my past, I would have jumped up and slit his throat before he even knew what happened. I imagined how quickly it would take for him to hit the floor. With his body weight and size, I guessed it would take no more than 20 seconds.
There was a time in my life when I didn’t trust anything anybody said, only the things that they did. I learned to find the code in statements normal people referred to as the English language.
For instance, what just came out of his mouth was, “What, you need some more money?” What I heard was, “I’m trying to buy your son’s life. How much will it cost me?” Suddenly it was as if I walked into a closet and put on my old uniform. I was willing to do anything I had to, to keep my son out of harms way.
But how much did he know? Who was he talking to on the phone? I had to outline a plan that controlled his life and left ours out of it. Before I made any sudden moves, I decided to invite him out for a quiet night alone using the same technique he just used on me – bullshit.