by C. B. Stagg
I tried to put myself in Casey’s position, but it was difficult. He’d been with Lacey for well over a year, almost twice as long as Becky and I had been together. But they’d had sex, and we had barely scratched the surface. While picturing Bec pregnant with my child scared the absolute life out of me, the idea of her aborting my child without telling me terrified me even more. Would she do something like that if we ever found ourselves in the same position? Apparently, I was thinking out loud.
“I don’t know. I hadn’t thought about it until just now, but I don’t think I could, in good conscience, kill a baby made in love.” Her eyes were red and swollen. How had I not noticed that before?
“Let’s just not put ourselves in that position. But, I want you to know, I would stand by you. I would marry you and support you, and we’d be a happy family.”
She scooted in closer to me in the cab of my truck and rested her head on my shoulder as I pulled off the main road and onto a gravel path, leading to the bank of the bayou. Shifting just a little, she kissed my neck, sending an electric shock down my spine. “I like the idea of having a family with you, Jase Pearson, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t tried to picture what a little person with our shared genes would look like, but how ‘bout we wait a few years before we find out, hmm?”
Casey had backed his truck right up to the bank. We found him sitting on the tailgate, slumped to the side, a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a pile of pennies in the other. He didn’t acknowledge our approach, though I knew he’d heard the truck pull up and park nose to nose with his. We saw him throw a penny in the water and watch the ripple it caused until it was no more. Then he threw another one.
“Hey, babe.” Becky hopped up onto the tailgate beside him while I slid the whiskey out of his hands, placing the glass bottle on the ground at my feet. He threw another penny. I stood on one side, while Becky sat on the other, lightly running her hands back and forth across his shoulders while his blank stare remained on the dancing water. When he ran out of pennies, he looked up, almost as if noticing us for the first time.
“I need to go home,” Casey said.
“We can get you home,” Becky replied.
“I can’t go home like this.” He looked down at himself. On the outside, he looked normal—maybe a little more rumpled than usual—but I understood what he meant.
“Get in my truck. I’ll take you home, and Becky can follow us in your truck. We’ll go to my house and figure out what our next step will be.”
He stumbled down off the back of his truck, tossed his keys to Bec, then ambled the ten feet to my passenger door, sighing as he heaved himself in. “Unless you can get my baby back, there is no next step.”
Nothing changed, yet everything changed. Bec still slept over every night. But if there’s anything that’ll scare the pants right back on two hormonal teenagers, it’s watching a friend go through an unplanned pregnancy, subsequent termination, and the emotional ramifications that go along with all that drama. Since the day we’d found out about Casey and the baby, Becky and I had significantly slowed down our newly physical relationship. It didn’t change us, though. I loved her more each and every day and had every intention of spending the rest of my life with Becky.
Chapter 23
Becky
BEFORE MOVING IN WITH the Hansons, the future was something I just hoped I’d see, certainly not something I looked forward to. Now that I was a Hanson, the future held endless possibilities.
At the beginning of our senior year, all three of us applied for early admission to Texas A&M University. It was only a few hours away, and at least one of all of our parents had attended school there. Jase’s mom actually taught some graduate level classes online and gave lectures a few times each semester. The day we were all accepted was the second happiest day of my life, next to the day I was adopted.
In the spring, we traveled to College Station together and our parents all went in on a small, three-bedroom house within walking distance of campus. It was a little shabby—with rotten pieces of siding, a porch that needed a good sanding and some stain, and walls that probably hadn’t been painted since World War II—but it was ours. Plus, the boys and I were handy. We’d spent all last summer cleaning gutters, mowing lawns, and fixing fences around the neighborhood. All three of us knew our way around a toolbox and our parents took that into consideration when deciding to purchase the older home.
The three of us spent the summer bouncing between our homes in south Houston and ‘the winter house’—our bungalow in College Station—named for the turquoise blue we’d painted the wood siding. The hot, summer days filled with sanding the porch, mulching the flowerbeds, and refinishing the wood floors solidified our trio like a brotherhood of sorts. But the nights we spent in the house, tired and hot after a long day of physical labor—especially when it was just Jase and me—were the happiest, most carefree in my life. I’d created a life I could only have dreamed of just a few years before.
An added bonus to purchasing the winter house was that it was right next door to Donna, a family friend of the Clarks. Within a month of school starting, Donna Riley had effectively inserted herself into our lives like a mother hen. She’d invite us over for dinner at least once a week, bake for us at least twice a week, and did Casey’s laundry in exchange for him taking care of her yard. But the best was when she’d report to me if the boys came home at an unreasonable time, which to her was past eleven. She saw me as their mother hen and rightfully so, as neither of them could function properly without my guiding hand.
Casey caught the tail end of one conversation Donna and I had been having about his comings and goings. My attempt at covering it up by quickly switching topics to the leaf rot problem I’d found on one of my rose bushes was unsuccessful. Once Donna left, Casey complained to me. “Man, I came to college to get away from the watchful eye of nosy parental units. I already have a real mom, and I do not need another one.”
His words struck a chord with me, and as much as I wanted to brush him off, I just couldn’t. “You know… ” I said, continuing to check the leaves of the roses I’d worked so hard to grow, “coming from someone who last saw her real mom cold and dead—lying in a puddle of bloody vomit and leaving her completely alone in the world at fifteen years old—I’d be a little less critical when complaining about having too many moms, real or not, who love you and only want the best for you.”
I turned toward him with fire in my eyes and let that selfish, ungrateful boy know in no uncertain terms, “Because in my opinion, there’s no such thing as too many mommas!”
Chapter 24
Jase
“WHAT’S WRONG, BABE?”
Bec stood in front of the bathroom mirror, staring past her reflection into the unknown. I wrapped my arms around her and peppered her smooth, brown shoulders with kisses, still in disbelief I’d been able to call this woman mine for more than two years.
We were about halfway through the first semester of our freshman year and, surprisingly, Casey hadn’t figured us out yet. Becky and I had discussed dating publicly, but for so long our relationship had been secret and sacred, something that only belonged to us. We were content to keep it that way for now.
“Casey said something today and I let it get under my skin.” She typically let things roll off her back, so if this was bothering her, it must have been serious.
“I will kick his ass. Where is he?”
Turning in my arms, she smiled and pulled me down for a kiss. “I was expressing my concerns about his relationship with Kris, that new girl he’s dating. I think it’s getting pretty serious.”
“Yeah,” I added. “I don’t like her for him. I get she’s pretty and ridiculously smart, but she has the personality of plywood.” I winced, hating that Casey was striking out again in the girl department after almost a year of swearing off them completely.
“Anyway,” Becky continued. “I guess I was sticking my nose in his business. And I guess he h
ad every right to be angry. But this time he got really defensive. He told me I had no right talking to him about love and relationships because I’d never been in love or even had a relationship, and then he point-blank asked me if I was a lesbian.” She sighed, and her jagged breath told me she was holding tears at bay. “I think it just bothers me that Casey, my best friend, doesn’t truly know me at all, does he?”
“So, did you tell him about us? That would sure shut him up.” I knew she hadn’t. She was adamant about keeping our secret.
“You know I didn’t. It’s just hard sometimes, not letting Casey know all of me, but it’s for the best. It’s safe.” She always used that word—safe—but I never really understood why.
My kisses moved from her shoulder and up to her neck, her jaw, and then finally her lips. When I sensed her knees were about to buckle, I scooped her up in my arms and walked to my bedroom, loving that Casey was out for the night. Kicking the door closed, I said, “I know what will make you feel better.”
“Oh yeah,” she giggled. “What’s that?”
“I think it’s best if I show you.” I didn’t even recognize my own voice.
Becky’s body tensed, and her eyes became riveted to mine. I carefully lowered her to her feet on my side of the bed, letting my eyes roam up and down, over her body, covered in a tight, lacy caramel-colored gown with thin spaghetti straps. As I stood, facing her, I grabbed her hands and held them between us. “There are places I have yet to touch you.”
She let out a shaky breath of air. “And there are places I’ve yet to touch you.” Her eyes met mine.
Cupping her face with one hand while still holding the other, I leaned down and whispered into her ear, “I need you, Bec.”
Her breath caught. “Then take me.”
I slid one strap of her nightgown over her smooth shoulder, kissing where it had just been. “I’ve dreamt about this for years,” I whispered as I slid the other strap down and felt the silk fall to the floor, pooling at our feet.
“I have too, Jase.” She claimed my mouth, before trailing kisses down my neck and onto my chest. The flannel sleep pants I’d been wearing became a memory as I shoved them off and pulled Becky into bed with me, where we found ourselves in a position not unfamiliar to us. Only this time, there were no barriers. We weren’t two teenagers, hormones raging. She was a woman. And I was a man.
“Jase, I need to tell you something.”
I stopped my trail of kisses, right above her belly button, and sat up in question.
“I’m not a… This isn’t my first… ” she sighed.
I shook my head. “It makes no difference. Do you want me?”
She nodded, tears filling her eyes.
“Good. Because baby, you… all stretched out under me like this… I can hardly breathe.”
Her cheeks burned bright, and her breaths came fast. “Let me be your air.”
I flipped us over, and she opened her body up to mine, inviting me in… inviting me to love her. And with one swift motion, she took up full residence in my heart.
As we moved together, it was a conversation of body, mind, and soul. I knew she came to me that cold, October night with more baggage than the Ritz-Carlton. I often wondered if I’d ever know the events that lead her to my home that evening, and to my bed later that night, but none of it mattered. This was the woman I loved. She was the one I wanted to spend my forever with. And while I didn’t say what I felt with words, I think she understood my feelings.
That moment, we became so much more than just two people.
“Why,” she asked, trying to catch her breath after we’d successfully crossed home plate, “on Earth did we wait… so long… to do that?”
I propped up on my elbow and held her face with my free hand. “We waited because I respect you and love you and I never wanted you to regret making love to me.”
She kissed my mouth with all the love she felt for me. “God, you are perfect. I never knew love could be like this.”
I agreed completely.
She climbed on top of me, no doubt intending on taking advantage of me again. “Slow down, sister,” I laughed. “I don’t exactly know how it works for you, but I need a little time to recharge, woman!”
She sunk down on the bed beside me and exhaled loudly. “You, the boy who discovered me hiding in his shed.” She ran her fingers through the hair on my chest as I listened to her sleepy musings. “The boy who took me in, fed me, and warmed me. The boy who found me a family and held me in his arms for almost a thousand nights so I could sleep without fear. You. I think I’m gonna marry you… ” She drifted off as she finished putting a voice to her feelings.
“You better believe you are.”
Those were my last words to her as we drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms, whole in every way.
Chapter 25
Becky
JASE WAS THE PEANUT BUTTER to my jelly. The bubbles to my bath. Our life in College Station was becoming more than I could ever have dreamed. I’d been scared of sex. I’d only seen it used in exchange for something. Safety. Money. Favors. But that’s not what Jase and I shared. The love we made was born from years of friendship, mutual respect, and love… and I felt the moment he entered my soul.
Soon enough, Casey moved in with Kris, and Jase and I were more free to be ourselves. But when we were all together, we maintained we were nothing more than close friends and roommates. And that was good enough for us.
The rumble of Jase’s voice shook me out of my almost slumber.
“Hey, so I was thinking… ”
“Hmmm, dangerous. What about?” Since I was already up, may as well engage.
“Does your past have anything to do with why we keep our relationship hidden?”
I sat straight up from where I’d been resting my head on his chest and looked at him. “Why?”
“I just wonder, you know? I mean, you know everything there is to know about me, but your first fifteen years are still a mystery. I don’t know, it feels like you don’t trust me with that part of your life and it kinda stings.”
I put myself in his shoes and realized, yes, I had been keeping that part of my life secret. Though I wasn’t sure if it was for his safety or my comfort. But I planned on Jase being my forever, and I didn’t want the foundation of our relationship built on lies. Plus, he loved me, and I knew nothing I told him would ever change that.
I switched on the lamp beside my bed and under the buttery yellow light it cast, I told him where I came from. I told him about the drug deals, all the men coming through my mother’s revolving bedroom door, and even an abbreviated version of my life at Toby and Myra’s before their arrest. I also told him about Toby’s escape from custody. More than once, during the confessional, I saw tears accumulate in his eyes.
“I knew it must be bad, with the nightmares and all, but I just… I had no idea.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you, Jase. I just don’t know what would happen to me if I ever lost you.”
“That, my beautiful girl,” he said, pulling me down on top of him and tucking me into his big, safe arms, “will never happen.”
In May 2005, Casey, Jase, and I graduated from Texas A&M, and I was accepted into grad school in the College of Education. I didn’t have to leave town for at least two more years, which was exactly what I wanted. But despite that, it proved to be one of the worst years of my life.
For one thing, Casey proposed to Kris. My problem with Kris wasn’t personal. As a human being, she was fine. She was super smart, and I could tell she had a good heart, as well as a good head on her shoulders. It was Casey and Kris together I despised. They were not in love. And I think he knew it, but he didn’t care. He was planning to marry a woman he wasn’t in love with because he was too scared of falling in real love and getting hurt again. My heart broke for him, and it was all I could do to agree to stand up for him as his best man beside Jase. I wished I’d been strong enough to sh
are my experiences with him to prove true love was worth the wait and the pain.
But I couldn’t.
Worst of all, Jase made some major life decisions and broke me in the process.
“I got accepted to Baylor Law.” We were getting ready for bed when he broke the news. I just ignored him. “Did you hear me?”
I rinsed my toothbrush in the sink and turned around slowly to face him. “I heard you, but it’s BAYLOR. Seriously, Jase? Baylor?” He had to be joking. Baylor was a joke in Aggieland.
“I’ve accepted, and classes start in September. It’s done.”
Panic started rearing its ugly head the minute I realized he was serious. I closed my eyes to hold back the tears, but they reached capacity quickly and started running in streams down my cheeks.
“And… there’s something else.” His voice was soft and shaky like he was unsure about this next move. “I’m worried… about us.”
I had shed my towel and was rooting around in my drawers for pajamas cool enough for the ninety-eight-degree weather, but I stopped dead in my tracks when he started talking about us. Stark naked, I turned to face him, eyes wide and brows raised in a mix of curiosity and fear.
“You and I have been ‘us’ for over half a decade. Once I finish law school, the natural progression of life is to settle down and start a family. I just think we might need to spend a little time apart. We can sow our wild oats and experience some different things before we, you know, make any decisions about marriage or… children.” He couldn’t even look at me while he was talking. Instead, he picked at a nonexistent thread on the comforter.
I grabbed one of Jase’s T-shirts and threw it over my head. I was not about to hear this completely naked. I looked at him, but he refused to meet my gaze. He just sat, wringing his hands, staring down at his lap, with his bottom lip caught between his teeth. When he finally looked up at me, the pain in his eyes made me wonder if he regretted the Pandora’s box he’d just opened.