Here I Am!

by Pauline Holdstock

I said You know the way?

  He said I certainly do. I take Alec there three times a day.

  We got in the lift and went right down to Deck Seven. That’s the bottom of the boat. I know you think it’s not because I told you there are twelve decks. But there are five decks without numbers on top of number one. I don’t make mistakes.

  We went in the dog park. It’s not a park at all. It’s just a room with long sand pit in the middle and it’s really stinky. I said I’ll wait outside and Mr Knight said Oh no you won’t and put his hand on the door handle behind him. He sounded like a kidnapper.

  I said Excuse me and he said We won’t be long.

  Grown-ups are all the same. Even if they are blind. They are always the boss. It makes me fed up.

  I pulled a face at Mr Knight and it made me feel better. Then I stuck out my tongue and actually that made me feel worse.

  Anyway he was right. We weren’t very long because Alec did one straight away. Actually he did three. Good boy!

  We went back and got in the lift again.

  I said You pressed the wrong button. You pressed two. Breakfast is one.

  Mr Knight blocked me off again. He stepped sideways so he was in front of the buttons again. It made me start to do worrying. He said we just have to make an important phone call. Then we’ll have breakfast I promise.

  I thought No! This is definitely suspicious behaviour. Everybody knows there are no phones on a boat.

  I got out just before the doors closed. I thought about hiding somewhere but I was still on the bottom deck and that would be the first place to do sinking if the iceberg came and then I thought I would just go up the stairs and have breakfast anyway. No one would kidnap me in a room full of people.

  I was out of breath when I got up to Deck One. I went straight in to the dining room. A lady said You’re in a rush this morning my goodness me.

  Gordon Knight said He always is. Little monkey. I was so shocked. I didn’t know where he came from. An ambush! But he had a nice voice when he said monkey not a horrible one like in munkey! and Alec was really pleased to see me again so when Gordon Knight put out his hand and said Now we absolutely do have to make that phone call and you will absolutely hold my hand all the way there I took it. He could fit my whole hand in his like MyDad.

  I said Who will hold Alec?

  He said Who would you like to?

  I said Me.

  He said Right then. One hand for Alec. One hand for me. And do as you’re told.

  (I told you they are all the same.)

  He said he didn’t want to go in the lift again so we walked down the stairs.

  I said You’re going to give me away, aren’t you?

  He said Hmmm. You’ve already given yourself away. To me. So it doesn’t matter does it?

  I wanted to know what they would do when they found out.

  He said My best guess is they will be so pleased to see you they’ll give you anything you want.

  — A hundred million pounds?

  — Is that really what you want?

  — No.

  — What then?

  — Some breakfast.

  — Is that all?

  — No. I really want to see MyDad. But not MyMum. Don’t tell them I want to see MyMum.

  — All right.

  — Promise?

  — Promise.

  I told him I was scared because I didn’t know how to get home. I didn’t like it when I didn’t know things and if I didn’t find out I might have to do screaming.

  He said Well you’re lucky. You’re about to find out. So you won’t have to.

  And then he stopped.

  At the Purser’s Office! Not a phone box at all!

  The sailor behind the desk said Good morning Mr Knight. How are we today sir?

  Mr Knight said Good morning. I’m very well thank you. How are you?

  — Very well, thank you, sir. What can I do for you, sir?

  — I’d like to speak with the Purser.

  — Certainly sir. I’ll just go and tell him.

  (The counter was taller than me so I couldn’t see where he went.)

  When he came back he said I’ll take you right in. He lifted up a piece of the counter like a door lying down — a trap door! — and said Oh my goodness! Two of you! (He meant two of us not two of Mr Knight.) And the dog!

  He said We’ll let the lad wait outside shall we? I’ll keep an eye on him.

  Mr Knight said No no. The lad comes in with me.

  — Certainly sir.

  He let us go through and then he took us to another room inside. It had a glass door and it was full of smoke like a bus. He knocked on the door. I could see the Purser inside sitting at his desk smoking a cigarette. He said Come in.

  The man behind the desk said Mr Knight sir and went away. We went inside. I could not breathe because the smoke was getting in my nose before the air. It started coming out of my eyes. I could feel it.

  The Purser got up and said Come in come in and put out his hand. Oh here he said and took hold of Mr Knight’s hand to shake it. Leftenant Fawcett. We’ve met before of course. How are you Mr Knight? Do take a seat. (He didn’t wait for an answer.) Mr Knight and…?

  — Frankie.

  — Frankie. How do you do Frankie.

  I said How do you do. I’d never said that before. Can I take a seat too?

  — Hahaha. Be my guest. (He meant sit down because he was pointing at the other chair.)

  — Thank you.

  I sat down. My feet stuck out in front. I felt a bit silly and I wished I hadn’t asked but at least Gordon Knight couldn’t see me. (He could only hear me coughing.) He said Sit Alec and Alec sat. Then he said Lie down and he did.

  The Purser said So. What can I do for you Mr Knight?

  — It’s really a question of what you can do for Frankie. You haven’t met Frankie before have you?

  — No. I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure. What’s your room number Frankie?

  — I don’t have a room.

  — Perhaps you’ve forgotten it. Do you know it Mr Knight?

  — He doesn’t have a room.

  — I mean his parents’ room.

  — Frankie’s travelling by himself.

  — What’s the boy’s surname Mr Knight?

  — What’s your surname Frankie?

  — Walters.

  The Purser moved his ashtray to make room for a big book. He flipped over lots of pages and used his pen like Miss Kenney to help him do looking.

  — You won’t find him in the list.

  There was like a big hole then in the air. Leftenant Fawcett looked at Mr Knight and then he looked at me.

  His face was going bright red like Lucy Mayberry’s when she wet herself in the gym so I started to laugh. He stood up and said Excuse me and got a big handkerchief out of his pocket and turned away to blow his nose. I think he was pretending. He didn’t want anyone (well — me) to look at his face. It was still red when he put his handkerchief away and sat down again.

  — So you don’t have a room?

  — No. But I’d like one.

  — Could I ask you Mr Knight — if you’ll pardon my presumption — the nature of the relationship you hold to the boy?

  — None.

  — So you’re his guardian.

  — No.

  — Young Francis boarded the ship with you though.

  — No. Frankie boarded alone. Perhaps Leftenant Fawcett we should let him tell you how.

  But Leftenant Fawcett didn’t want to hear. He said I’m sorry to be dense Mr Knight but do I assume — since you said he does not have a room — that the boy has been sleeping…in your room?

  — No. He hasn’t.

  —
Except for Sunday. I slept there on Sunday only you didn’t know. You were like a dead person. Hahaha.

  Leftenant Fawcett put his eyebrows right up nearly in his hair like people do.

  Gordon Knight said I’m afraid he might be telling the truth.

  Leftenant Fawcett’s eyebrows didn’t come down.

  Then he stood up and they did. He said Mr Knight I think it would be a good idea if we have this conversation in the presence of a third party. Perhaps Frankie can tell his story then from the very beginning.

  I hate parties — you know that. I thought about all the people who would stand round in a big circle and I would be in the middle.

  I said No but it was a bit quiet and maybe nobody heard me because Gordon Knight said That’s a very good idea and Leftenant Fawcett said I’ll just ask Warrant Officer Davies to step in.

  — I don’t want anyone else to come in. (I whispered that.)

  Gordon Knight reached out sideways and said Hold my hand. You’ll be all right.

  I put my hand onto his and he took it but then I felt like someone in Infants and I didn’t like it so I took it away again. I whispered I am all right thank you very much.

  When Leftenant Fawcett came back with Warrant Officer Davies I said I don’t want to go to a party and I don’t want you to take me to a police station either when we get to New York.

  They both laughed but I wasn’t joking. I told them I wasn’t and they laughed again and that’s when I decided I didn’t want to tell them anything else. They did not seem like people who would listen to me.

  I started to do hard rocking. Warrant Officer Davies said Woah there Billy boy. You’ll put that chair right through — and then I didn’t hear anymore because that’s the whole point of rocking. You can see people’s mouths moving if you open your eyes but your ears are protected. I did rocking for quite a long time and I only opened my eyes once. Everybody’s mouths were moving at the same time.

  Now I was in trouble. I think I probably hit someone. Someone tried to make me stop rocking so I did hitting and kicking too. I hoped MyMum hadn’t seen. She said I was too old to do that and if I wanted to hit something I should hit the floor. The carpet could do with a beating.

  Leftenant Fawcett and Warrant Officer Davies had gone and so had Gordon Knight. There was a lady instead. She was enormous. If I sat on her lap it would have been like a narmchair. She was wearing a striped dress and a stiff white apron with a watch pinned on her bosom (that’s the polite word for her chest) so I thought she was probably a nurse. Too bad for her then because I wasn’t sick.

  I was still rocking but slower. I was doing looking through my eyelashes so she wouldn’t guess I was watching. She was reading Woman’s Own.

  — So. (She said that but she didn’t even look at me. She was still reading.) Do you think you can stop completely before I get to twenty-nine? One two three four…

  She did counting!

  — …five six seven eight…

  So I stopped.

  — Well well well! Are you feeling better?

  — Yes thank you.

  — Good. Are you ready for breakfast?

  — Yes please.

  — Right. Good boy. Let’s be having you. (What MyMum always said!)

  — What about Mr Knight?

  — Who’s that?

  — The blind man.

  — He’s with the others.

  — Where?

  — I think they’re with the Captain.

  — Mr Knight hasn’t had his breakfast either.

  — He’ll get some.

  — Don’t you want me to hold your hand?

  — Why?

  — In case I run away.

  — What? Before breakfast?

  — All right I’ll hold it after.

  — Good boy.

  I liked it when she said that. I felt like Alec.

  — Where are we going now?

  — To have breakfast. While they make some phone calls.

  That sounded suspicious again. And we were going down instead of up.

  — It’s the wrong way.

  — We’re going to my office. The breakfast is coming to us.

  I was very confused. That is not a good thing for me.

  — You have an office?

  — I share it.

  We went all the way to Deck Seven (twelve right?) and turned the opposite way from the dog park.

  — Here we are.

  There was a sign on the door that said Surgery. That’s where surgeons cut people. I knew that.

  I said I’ll wait outside. I don’t want to see the Surgeon.

  She said You won’t see him. You’ll stay with me. Nurse Adeyemi. The Surgeon’s gone to cut up his breakfast haha.

  — Haha. (That was actually better than the jokes people usually do for me. But I was still unhappy.)

  I said I still don’t want to go in.

  — You won’t be in the Surgery darlin. You’ll be in the waiting room. With me.

  I could see that because the operating table was in another room inside the first one — like the Purser’s Office. The door was open and I could see there was a big light and a high-up bed and a stand with scissors and little bottles and stuff. I couldn’t see a knife. Where we were was only a little table with magazines on — National Geographic — my favourite! — and some chairs.

  — Sit yourself down there now and tell me what you want to eat.

  She went and picked up the handle of a telephone. It was stuck on the wall next to the door where we came in. So it was true. Telephones on boats! She picked it up and said Yes Matron here. Send a breakfast down to Surgery please. What do you want darlin?

  You know what I said then don’t you? You’re right.

  She said Anything else? A negg? Some bacon?

  — No thank you.

  — No. No egg no bacon. Just the beans.

  — And some toast. Please.

  — And some toast please. Thank you. Good then. Five minutes. You’re a love. (She put the handle back on the telephone without saying bye-bye.)

  — There. And then after you’ve had your breakfast we’ll go back and find the others.

  — What are they doing?

  — Collecting some information I expect. Like me. Let’s get you measured.

  She went in the Surgery. I didn’t.

  — What for?

  — So they can get in touch with your family.

  — I don’t have a family.

  — You don’t have a mum and dad? She looked really surprised.

  — MyMum’s dead.

  She was clinking some weights but she was still talking to me.

  — Dear love. But a dad?

  — Yes.

  — Come in here and hop up.

  I love measuring machines so I did.

  — A brother or a sister?

  — Only a dead one.

  — Three foot nine and a half.

  (I had grown!)

  — A nuncle? A naunty?

  — Yes. But one died.

  — Three stone three.

  (Perfect!)

  — A gran or a grandad?

  — A Gran.

  — There you are then. You’ve got a family.

  — But not all in my house.

  — Don’t have to be. Who’s in your house right now?

  — MyDad.

  — He’ll be so happy when he has you home again. Ah. Come in! It’s your breakfast. (Not by itself. A sailor was carrying it!) Right there thank you.

  The baked beans had an upside-down silver dish on top.

  I told you I was lucky.

  I was right in the middle of them when someone went knock-kno
ck and came in. I carried on eating quickly in case it was the sailor coming to take them away again. It wasn’t. It was the Captain because the nurse said Morning Captain.

  He did Good morning Matron and Well well well well well. I’ve heard quite the story. Who is this young man then?

  I turned round and said Frankie. You met me before remember? By the map. You said That wouldn’t do at all would it son? And I said I wouldn’t mind.

  You know when I said the Purser went all red? Well the captain went all whitey-yellow. He did a big swallow and I saw his Adam’s apple go up and down like in a lift.

  He said It looks as if you’re enjoying your breakfast. Don’t let me stop you.

  I said All right.

  Nurse Adeyemi said You’ve met before sir? You know the lad?

  The Captain said No. He’s probably confused.

  I wanted to say No I’m not but you mustn’t talk with your mouth full.

  — Well he thinks he’s spoken to you.

  — Must have been another officer. Anyway we’re in radio contact with the marine service right now so we’ll be talking to the consulut as soon as the office opens. I just want to have a good look at the lad so I can provide a fair description. He’ll be a missing person in England.

  — His dad’ll be worried sick.

  — Quite so. Not to mention his mum.

  — His mum is D-E-A-D Captain.

  — His mum is dad?

  I said D-E-A-D. She said MyMum is dead.

  The Captain did moving his mouth before the sound came out. I’ve seen people do that before.

  — Oh how very awkward. I’m so sorry. Ah well look just send him along will you please matron? When he’s ready?

  He didn’t even wait for an answer. He just went.

  Nurse Adeyemi said There. You’ve even got the Captain running round after you.

  I said Telling fibs. Big ones.

  She said Tut-tut-tut.

  I didn’t know if she meant me or him.

  Then she said You can go in that little room there to use the toilet. And don’t forget to wash your hands after.

  I didn’t bother to answer.

  I won’t tell the next bit.

  When I came out I said Where’s Mr Knight?

  She said Probably with the Captain. That’s where we’re going now. Captain’s Quarters. And you’re holding my hand remember?

  I said I don’t mind.