by Eric Vall
“How could I forget the champagne?” I smacked myself on the forehead playfully.
I walked over to the bucket containing the ice and bottle. Then I grabbed a knife from the knife block that was sitting on the kitchen counter. With my left hand, I held out the bottle of expensive champagne at an angle and aimed it away from any breakables in the vicinity. Then, with my right, I placed the blade on the basin at a forty-five-degree angle.
I’d only ever seen this in the movies before, but it looked like too much fun to not try myself.
With a sweep of my hand, I ran the blade up to the top of the champagne bottle. The cork made a loud popping sound and rocketed through the air before landing safely on the bed across the room. Bubbly white liquid spouted out of the neck onto the floor as I walked over to grab a few glasses for us.
“Why does that scene look so familiar?” Libidine winked playfully.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Liby,” Cupi said with a sly smile. “When it happens to us, it doesn’t end up on the floor. Jacob found that out in the abandoned building.”
“By the way, you guys still owe me a second attempt at making the Witch’s Bottle,” I reminded them as I poured out four equal glasses of the bubbly drink.
“Maybe after a few drinks,” Cupi purred as she grabbed her crystal goblet. “I’m finding that I quite like this Earth beverage.”
“Just don’t get too carried away,” I laughed as I poured us each a glass of the champagne. “Bottoms up!”
The four of us clinked our glasses together and then threw them back along with our heads. The champagne fluttered down my throat as it activated every single pleasure sensor in my brain. This stuff was supposedly the best the resort had, and it certainly tasted like it. Even though it was supposed to be a bubbly drink, it went down so smooth that I barely felt the carbonation. I glanced at my three friends who all now wore similar looks of satisfaction on their faces.
“More?” I asked as I held out the bottle.
“More!” Libidine smiled.
We spent the next few minutes gulping down the rest of the bottle as we chatted and played around in the luxury suite. Though the alcohol content was fairly low, it was still enough to make us all feel nice, warm, and happy.
Todd threw on some music, and the four of us danced to the beat of each new song. After a few minutes, we heard a rap on the door.
“That’s funny,” I scratched my head as Cupi and Liby continued to dance. “They must have forgotten part of our order.”
“I’ll get it!” Libidine yelled as she tossed on a robe and scrambled across the room toward the door.
“Make sure you give him a good tip!” I called after the dark-haired vixen as she walked away. “He’s going to have to put up with quite al--”
My words were cut off by the sound of a burst of flame. Libidine’s unconscious body went flying past our position engulfed in red Hellfire, smashed through the window, and plummeted out of view.
“Cupiditas!” I shouted as I spun toward the front door. “Get Liby!”
“Got it!” She bounded toward broken glass as a burst of purple flames brought forth her dark angel wings. When she reached the opening, she threw down her left hand and hoisted her perfect naked body over without losing an ounce of momentum.
“Time to get horny, Jacob!” Todd exclaimed as we both turned to face our new assailant.
The pulse in my temple wasn’t as strong this time, which led me to believe that the horns were now just becoming second nature. I didn’t even have to search for my emotions very deeply. Whoever this fucker was, he hurt my Libidine. And for that, he was going to burn. My entire body became encased in the shimmering white of the Hellfire while Todd tried his best to summon his own. Instead, two snowball sized flames appeared in his hands.
At least he was trying.
Through the remains of our hotel door stepped an absolute monster of a man. He stood over six feet and looked nearly as wide as he was tall. The dude could have been a contestant for Mr. Universe, because every muscle on his body was hulking through his clothes. His hair was black and thin, resting atop his head messily like a bird’s nest. This guy was dressed like he was ripped straight from a 2000s action movie. A shiny black leather trench coat hung down past the knees on his dark combat pants. All of his facial features were broad, and a shiny gold ring dangled from his septum.
“Good evening, Mr. Ralston.” The massive man nodded coldly at Todd and me. “The name’s Gallu. I come bearin’ a message from one of our… mutual associates.”
“Dude, I don’t give a fuck who you are,” I snapped. “You hurt Libidine!”
I conjured a large ball of flame from the Hellfire around me and hurled it at Gallu.
The mountain of a man scoffed at our efforts and raised his left hand. Black flames erupted from his palm, and my fireball froze in its place. Gallu closed his eyes for a moment to focus, and the room was filled with a low hum.
Slowly, the projectile turned in the air. Gallu opened his eyes rapidly, and the deadly attacks we had sent his way flew back towards the imp and me.
I tossed up a wall of purple flame to protect ourselves from the deadly barrage, and the flame scattered in multiple directions and singed the ceiling and floor of the suite.
“I’m all for mindless violence an’ all that, but don’t make a fool of yerself. Just die quickly, and we can go ‘bout our day.” Gallu shook his head as he summoned a large Hellfire flame into his hands.
“Fuck off,” I spat. “I killed Earl. I can sure as fuck find a way to kill you!”
“Spunky one, aren’t you?” the large man chuckled.
“Chunky one, aren’t you?” Todd snickered back.
That comment must have gotten under Gallu’s skin because his smile quickly faded, and his eyes narrowed. The giant assassin growled as he unleashed his fiery fury toward me.
I quickly cast a spell of green in front of the attack, and it passed harmlessly through the portal and out into the morning sky outside.
“Ohhh, I have a good nickname for you!” Todd cackled. “The Massive Assassin!”
“I knew you were annoyin’, but Azazel didn’t warn me you were a comedian!” he sneered.
“You call that annoying?!” Todd laughed as his hands started to glow with Hellfire. “You haven’t even heard any of my ‘your momma so fat jokes!’”
“Your momma so--” the big man started to ask, but Todd and I both let loose our red fireballs before he could finish.
The blast struck the man directly in the face, and Gallu’s head was thrown backward. His massive frame smashed into the ground, but there was no blood anywhere to be seen.
“Did we whack him?” Todd asked.
Almost in response to the imp’s question, muffled laughter began to arise from the floor. As Gallu pulled himself up from the ground, I heard the familiar flutter of Cupiditas’ wings behind us. The fit, naked blonde came to my side and summoned Hellfire into her hands.
“That hurt, you little fuckers!” Gallu growled, but then he let a smile stretch across his face as he recognized the succubus beside me. “Long time, no see, eh, Cupi?”
“Gallu,” the blonde nodded sourly.
“Yer a lucky guy, Mr. Ralston!” the beastly man sneered. “Cupi here is one of the fiercest warriors of all the Realms, but so am I. In fact, I ain’t ever lost a close-quarters battle before, and I don’t plan on it startin’ today.”
“I always hate this part,” Cupi quipped as she took a fighting stance.
“What part?” I questioned in confusion.
Gallu’s broad features began to contort on his face. He let out a scream of pain as his jaw and snout began to elongate and horns began to sprout from the sides of his head. These horns didn’t look like mine or Todd’s. They formed a long, C shape like those of a bull. Black cloven hooves ripped through Gallu’s combat boots and clomped onto the floor. The monstrous man was now a full-on monster. The half-man, half-bull let out a bellow as his bloodsho
t red eyes met with mine.
“Time to go to Hell, Mr. Ralston,” he roared.
Chapter 16
“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” I yelled as the massive bull creature stomped his feet onto the ground and prepared to charge.
Gallu huffed again as he propelled himself in our direction. I grabbed Todd and rolled out of the way while Cupi leapt upwards, over the creature’s massive bulk, but the big demon didn’t seem to notice we had dodged him, and his hooves tore through the carpet, and his horns impaled our couch.
Gallu skidded to a stop in the living room and swung his head around with our couch still hanging from his horns. It seemed like he couldn’t see us, and Cupiditas used the opportunity to launch a handful of baseball-sized fireballs toward the monster
Then Gallu raised his hands to block them.
“Not this time, asshole!” I threw up a portal of green flame in the path of the shimmering red fire blasts and transported them to the position behind Gallu.
The big ugly asshole didn’t expect the attacks to hit him from behind. The flurry crashed into the bull-man’s back, setting his leather jacket and the couch ablaze before forcing him down to his knees. Then the couch finally tore free of his horns, and Todd, Cupi, and I vaulted over it as it rolled past us, broke the glass windows behind us, and then tumbled to the Las Vegas streets below.
That might have been the least of our problems though, since the flaming couch had caught all the window curtains on fire when it rolled out the window, and I guessed we only had half a minute before the fire alarms went off.
And maybe only a minute or two until the whole room caught on fire.
“Flaming cow poo!” Todd waved his hand across his nose to mock the demon. “And I thought methane was bad.”
The monstrous beast roared and raised his furry hands above his head. A decent-sized portion of the roof above us caught fire with purple. Gallu brought his fists downward with an evil smile, and the enchanted portion of the ceiling collapsed.
All I could do was to throw up a cast of green Hellfire before the rubble buried us. The pieces were caught in midair and then instantly teleported on top of Gallu’s position. The debris fell, but it just bounced off the bull-man as if it was made of styrofoam.
The three of us barely had a chance to reorient ourselves before we had to roll out of the way of Gallu’s charge. Instead of skewering us on his massive horns, the beast simply crashed into the kitchen behind us. Chunks of the marble top counter and splinters from the cabinets shot through the air, upheaved by the demon’s attack.
Another round of fireballs were flung at the dazed beast. The instant Cupi’s and Todd’s Hellfire collided with Gallu, I shot up a barrier of purple flames all around his body. The shield prevented the bull-beast from dodging the attack and helped hold in the intensity of my friends’ red firepower.
Muffled bellows of pain rang out from the violet prison as the Hellfire seemed to burn Gallu alive.
The bull-man was finally able to wrestle his way out of my shield using his pure strength. The demon was still alive, but he was in rough shape. His nose ring glowed red-hot, and his septum let off the sound of flesh sizzling. Most of the fur on his body now fell off in clumps of matted nests, and the rancor of burned hair filled the suite. Gallu stumbled to his feet and panted.
“I gotta say,” he huffed through strained breaths. “It’s interestin’ to be on the other side of your wrath, Cupi. Definitely worthy all the hype.”
“Just another name to add to my list,” she said with a dark chuckle.
“And you, Mr. Ralston.” He pointed at me with a burnt finger. “What kinda man are you? You hide behind your succubi and your imp. If we was goin’ one-on-one, I’d crush your bones into dust beneath my hooves!”
“Bro, just accept that you’re losing,” Todd snickered. “No need to be a pussy about it.”
Gallu thrust out his hand and sent forth a beam of black flame. I fired off another round of Hellfire in retaliation, but the dark fire shot past me, engulfed Todd, and lifted him into the air.
The imp’s eyes bulged in surprise as he grasped at his throat for breath.
From my left, Cupiditas darted through the air on her black feathery wings and threw herself feet first into Gallu. The demon had been able to use his free hand to deflect my projectiles, but the blonde succubi’s attack took him by surprise. The monstrous man grunted as he stumbled backwards and released his spell on Todd.
My emerald flame caught the unconscious imp before he hit the ground, and I laid him down gently out of the way of the battle. Then I turned back towards the main area of the suite and saw that Cupi and Gallu were still locked in battle. Cupiditas was using her wings to block the bull-man’s punches like a prize fighter, and Gallu was panting like he was about out of breath. The entire living area of the suite was now on fire, but it didn’t seem to bother either of the demons.
We didn’t have much time left.
I used my green magic to pick up the television and launch it at Gallu. The appliance slammed into the beast’s left shoulder and sent him spinning around helplessly. Before he could catch himself, Cupiditas froze his right arm in midair. The bull’s shoulder twisted unnaturally as his massive body kept spinning, and he let out a cry of pain.
“You broke my arm, you bitch!” he roared as he blasted the athletic woman with a giant ball of Hellfire of his own.
Cupiditas’ body was launched backward through the wall of the bedroom suite.
Shit.
My mind whirled as I tried to figure out what to do next. Todd was down, Liby was down, and I didn’t know if Cupi was going to stand up from getting knocked through that wall.
She might even be dead.
The thought enraged me, and I realized that I hadn’t been this angry since yesterday when I destroyed that whip wielding asshole Earl.
Then I got an idea.
I sprinted over to the counter, grabbed a butcher knife, and then used my Hellfire magic to enchant it like Earl had done with his whip. The blade lit up with red flames that sizzled in the air. At the same time, the shrill wail of the Excalibur’s fire alarms echoed through the surrounding building.
Without even hesitating, I charged at Gallu and unleashed everything I had. I tossed up a few red fireballs and then encased them with emerald magic so that they struck unpredictably all around the massive man’s body.
The fucker wasn’t able to block any of them, and he shrieked in pain as each red-hot ball of fire burned his flesh.
I held the enchanted knife in my right hand and went in for the killing blow. My left hand glowed with the green flame as I angled it at the floor beneath Gallu’s hooves. I closed my fist, and the patch of tile under his feet disappeared.
The beast’s eyes widened as his entire lower body fell through the new hole in the floor. He weakly caught himself on the space around the opening, but it was too late for this asshole.
Gallu raised a hand feebly to try to stop my assault, but the blade was already hurling toward his head at full velocity, and I plunged it into the beast’s skull with a wet thud.
The demon’s eyes rolled back in his head, and his tongue fell out of his snout. One blow would have probably done the trick, but I wasn’t going to risk it, so I ripped the hilt out of Gallu’s skull with a spray of gore and repeatedly stabbed at his head until his brain spilled out onto the floor.
“Bro…” I heard Todd call out from the spot he’d been laying. “That was some kinky shit, bro. I’ve never been choked before.”
“Jokes? Now?” I asked as I rushed over, jumped through the hole in the wall, into the bedroom suite, and found Cupiditas laid unconscious on the floor.
The blonde woman’s robe was completely burnt off from Gallu’s attack, and her naked body looked so vulnerable. I didn’t have time to check her pulse, so I picked up the succubus’ body and tossed her over my other shoulder. Then I returned to the main suite room and put Libidine’s still-unconscious body over my oth
er shoulder. The Jacob from three days ago wouldn’t have been able to lift both women as easily as I was, but I was at one thousand percent adrenaline right now, and they both seemed to weigh as much as blankets.
“How are we gonna get out of here?” I heard Todd’s panicked voice as I turned towards the front door.
“This whole place is going up like dry tinder,” I yelled back. “I don’t even think the fire escape is safe at this point.”
“Jakey, I think this might be it for us,” Todd said as we turned toward the flaming kitchen. The heat was almost too much to bear, and I figured we only had a handful of seconds left before we roasted to death.
“Then there’s only one way out.” I looked over at the broken window across the room and nodded. “Hop on my back.”
“Uh-- You can’t fly, bro.” He protested.
“I’ll get us down there. Just trust me,” I promised.
“What the Hell?” He shrugged as he hopped up on me piggy-back style. “You’ve gotten us this far.”
“Hold on tight!” I commanded as I started for the shattered window.
Sweat poured from every pore of my body profusely as I dashed towards our only salvation. To make matters worse, I had three-hundred pounds of deadweight attached to my body. The shimmering flames grew tighter and tighter around the window as we drew closer.
I took a deep breath, bent my knees, and sent the four of us hurling out through the window into the sky.
I felt a rush of cold air on my face, and my heart plummeted. I didn’t want to open my eyes. We were all the way at the top of the building, but I was sure we didn’t have very long before we were splattered all over the pavement.
“Hooooollllyyyy shiiiiitttt!” Todd’s scream pierced my eardrums.
Without opening my eyes, I reached down deep into my mind and thought about every single memory of jealousy and disgust that I had. I could feel the emerald flames surround us, but they still weren’t strong enough to transport us so far down. Then I thought about what would happen if I didn’t make this jump. If I failed, my friends would all be dead, and it would be all my fault.