by P. J. Belden
“Baby boy, mommy is falling hard. I hate myself for still loving your father even after all he’s put me through. I hate him, but I think I hate me more. I was your mother. I couldn’t save you. I just want to hold you again. I want to hear your cries, feed you, watch you sleep. What did I do wrong to lose so much? I can’t do this anymore, Remy. I can’t. I can’t stand the suffocation.”
Looking down at the water, a sudden sense of peace fills me as I know what those icy, dark depths will provide. My heart seizes in my chest when I see the face of my little boy reflecting back at me. He’s calling me. No, not just calling me. He’s beckoning me home.
The fight to stay here and keep putting one foot in front of the other is too much. Without breaking stride, I walk straight over to the end of my dock that remains open, passed the chair that holds all the pain I’m leaving behind and fall directly into the dark abyss.
The cold sucks the breath right from my lungs. For the first time, however, I feel light, free of all that has been haunting me. The chill fades as I fall deeper. My lungs begin to burn, but a smile forms on my face as the feel of the freedom slowly fills me. But suddenly warmth surrounds me, and I begin to move back the way I came.
Wiggling and jerking from whoever had a hold on me, I tried to fall back into the peace that I felt for a moment. But I’m robbed of it. Soon, my head crests the surface, and I gasp for breath. Panting and sputtering, I’m tossed up on the deck I just jumped off of.
Wiping my hands down my face, I look to see who the hell ruined my solution for peace.
“What the fuck, Legend? How did you find me?” I scream at him as he hauls himself onto the deck.
“Seriously? I just pulled from the freezing water, saving your life, and the question you ask is how I found you?” He huffs in anger.
“I didn’t want to be saved!” I yell loudly. “I want to die! I want to be with my baby!”
He stomps over to me and grabs hold of my shoulders and shakes me, causing my head to jerk back and forth. The anger is prominent in his eyes, but sadness clouds it. Those eyes used to be my heaven on Earth. Now… now they bring nothing but a reminder of the pain I’ve gone through and am still suffering from.
“You have far too much to live for to take the coward’s way out,” his voice earnest yet angry.
Jerking from his hold, I move back and glare at him. “Yeah? Really? Tell me what that is. Because last I checked, the man I loved more than anything in this world abandoned me and faked his death because he couldn’t stand the thought of being…”
Before I can finish my sentence, his lips are crashing down onto mine. A long forgotten, yet familiar feeling, begins to spread through me, starting at my lips. His tongue sweeps across my lower lip as he tastes me. Unable to help myself, call me weak, I open to allow him entrance. Legend wastes no time diving in and tasting me as if he’s been a starved man.
At the moment his tongue caresses mine, time rewinds, and this is me and my love. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pull him closer to me, fitting against him perfectly. Tangling my hands in his hair, I pull him tighter against my mouth. His moan vibrates his chest and mine with its power.
His arms band around my waist tightly, not even the wind could blow between us. Desire spreads through me like wind through the trees, hitting every single nerve ending. Removing my hands from his hair, I unbutton his jeans and yank down his zipper. Shoving my hands in his pants, I grab hold of his erection.
“Waverly,” he groans. “We need to…”
“No, not yet.” I cut him off and remove my jeans and panties, then shove his pants down freeing him from the confines of his jeans.
Legend lifts me up, and I lock my ankles behind his back, feeling him pressing at my entrance. Lowering myself slowly down on him, I moan in pleasure. His hands tighten on my hips as he carries me inside and falling to the couch without separating us. He removes my shirt and bra as I remove his shirt. His hands cover my breasts as his mouth trails down my neck.
His movements are slow as if we have forever. Pushing my head back into the couch, I moan as he covers one breast with his mouth. In and out, in and out, the burning builds higher as he continues to make love to me.
But it’s not love, is it? And we don’t have forever. We used to at one point, I thought anyway. A tear slips from my eye as the loss begins to fill me. I’m brought back to the present, to the pain, to the betrayal by the very man I trusted with the most delicate treasure I had.
But before I can think much further, my orgasm hits and makes me forget for a moment everything around me. It’s just as strong, just as intense, just as incredible as he’s always made me feel.
“I love you, Waverly,” he moans as he reaches his release too.
A sob escapes, and I can’t stop the breakdown at his softly spoken words. How can he say things like that to me when he left me like I was nothing? Legend rolls us over, and we lay face to face. He wipes the tears that continue to fall from my eyes, kissing me on the tip of my nose.
“Please don’t cry.” He whispers. “I can explain everything if you’ll give me a chance.”
Knowing that this needs to happen, I just nod my head and wait for the pain of his rejection that I just know will be included in his explanation. On a deep breath, he looks at me, and I can see the love and sorrow in his eyes. It causes another choked sob to escape.
“That night, when you fell asleep, I went to your parents’ house.”
“What? Why would you…” He places his lips to mine in a tender kiss.
“Shhh,” he smiles sadly. “Let me explain.”
Nodding my head, I look at him expectantly. My heart sits in my throat. This will answer a lot of questions. But will it heal any damage? That I’m not so sure about.
“When we talked that night before making love, I wasn’t sure how serious you took what I said, but I was going to prove it to you. I asked your dad if I had his permission to marry you. He talked to me for a few minutes, gave me a threat, and told me he expected us for dinner the next day. I was so excited, I hugged him and ran to my car. I called Billy, cashing in one of my favors. I called everyone I knew that could help to make that moment perfect for you, for us.
“I went to Billy’s and found the perfect ring, and he told me that I was lucky you loved me. I went to Hannock’s for the last of what I needed when I heard a fight. Worried that it was Hannock, I slipped around the side of the building and saw three guys standing not far from the back entrance to his store. Hannock was screaming at one of the other guys. Then everything happened so suddenly.
“The other man pulled out a gun and shot the other guy and just as he was about to shoot at Hannock, I happened to hit some kind of metal object on the ground skidding it into the dumpster. When the man fired his shot, it hit Hannock in the shoulder. The man turned to look at me, and I charged in. I don’t know why he ran, but I was worried about Hannock.
“I called the police, gave them the description of the guy that I saw. I’m taken back to the police station to make a formal statement while Hannock is taken in an ambulance. While they were questioning me about everything, my brother shows up. When I saw him dressed for his job, my heart stopped. It was then he informed me that the FBI would be taking over the case.
“I was taken into protective custody until the case was over. Apparently, the guy I saw was Leroy Tier. As the only witness to a crime that they could get him on, they didn’t want to risk my death, which apparently happens a lot with witnesses against him. I begged Peter to let me contact you, just to tell you what was going on. He wouldn’t let me make a single phone call or say goodbye to anyone. I couldn’t even see if Hannock was okay.
“I don’t know why Peter told you I was dead. That wasn’t our deal. He was to make sure you were safe and to somehow let you know subtlety that I was coming back home. Knowing what I know now, I know that he didn’t keep up his end of the deal. You don’t know how sorry I am. All I wanted to do was protect you, keep myself safe
so I could come back to you, and I ended up hurting you anyway.”
Staring up at him for a moment, I can see a mixture of emotions flashing through his eyes. He’s waiting for something from me. Something that I can’t give him right now, if ever. Tears build up in my eyes again. Pushing against his chest, he shifts off me, taking the warmth with him. Climbing from the couch, I move around collecting clothes.
When I come back in from the deck, Legend has his face on his hands with his elbows on his knees. To see his bare broad shoulders and muscular back and legs sends a thrill through my body, but I need to ignore it.
“I don’t know what you want me to say here, Legend. I mean, I’m glad you’re okay and all, but damn it! While you’re living life, probably a different girl in your bed every night,” I say unable to keep the jealousy at bay. “I’m sitting here wondering what I did wrong, how to find you to tell you I was pregnant, and going through the worst thing I could ever go through alone. If you want me to forgive you, I do. But beyond that… I just don’t know.”
He stands unconcerned of his nudity. “First, there were no other girls because in my mind we were still together. Whether I saw you or talked to you, I love you and will never cheat on you. Second, I wasn’t living life. I was fighting for it. It was the scariest moments of my life. Third, I had no idea what you were going through because fucking Peter wouldn’t tell me anything, said it was too risky. Finally, I’m not expecting anything from you at this point. I know I lost you that day. I just prayed that Peter was keeping up on his end. I love you. I always have always will. Of course, I won’t lie and say I wasn’t hoping that we’d be able to get it all back.
“Man, I prayed hard for that. All I’m asking right now is to tell you what I’ve already told you and maybe, um, see if you have some pictures or anything that I can see of my son. I’d, uh, like to have some if at all possible.”
Throwing him his clothes, I turn and walk down the hall to my bedroom. Opening my top drawer, I pull out the envelope that has been in there for so long now that it seems as though it’s a part of the dresser. Taking a deep breath, I turn and walk back out to my living room, thankful to find Legend dressed.
“Here,” I hold out the envelope to him with a shaky hand. “I was going to send this to your brother. I thought maybe he might like to see his nephew and have a piece of his brother that he had lost. But you can have it. I should prepare you, he’s very small and jaundice.”
Nodding his head, he stares at the envelope. “I, uh, I’m sorry for how everything turned out. I truly am.” He looks up at me as tears shimmer in his eyes. “I think I would have made a good father and a great husband. But I guess we’ll never know that now, will we?”
Wiping the tear from his cheek, I nod. “I’m sorry, Legend.”
He just nods his head and turns to leave, leaning over and grabbing his shoes from the floor. Unable to watch him leave, I walk back out to the deck and lean against the railing. Not long later, I hear the front door shut and a car starts before silence falls over me again.
Looking back into the living room, at the couch, my couch that so many tears have been soaked into those cushions. So many nightmares have been absorbed by those pillows. Now, however, when I look at it, all I see now is the love I hung on to for so many years. The love that has both saved and tormented me over the years. But most of all, I see Legend. I see his eyes as he held himself above me. Those blues telling me more than his mouth ever could.
As I continue to relive the moment with Legend, something on the table catches my eyes. Stepping inside and slowly making my way to the room, I realize what’s sitting there. There’s only one thing that could be sitting in that small box. Only one thing that would prove to break my heart all over again as the truth of Legend’s words and explanation sinks in.
My knees buckle, and I begin to cry. This time, I’m not fully sure if it’s over past pain or the current pain of letting him go again.
The ringing of my phone wakes me from my attempt to sleep since I saw Legend last. Groaning, I roll over looking for my phone. My hand knocking it off the side table before I could grab it properly. Cursing myself, I lean over and pick it up off the floor.
“Hello,” I snap into the phone without caring who it was.
“Waverly? Did I wake you?”
I just stop a groan from leaving my mouth at the sound of Xander’s voice. What the hell is this, torture Waverly week?
“What do you need, Xander? I’ve been working.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” he sounds nervous. “I was wondering if we can talk.”
Now, I let the groan escape. “About what?”
“Well, uh, I’d like to talk in person. Would you like to meet me at Hideaway?”
After giving in and agreeing, I stumble from the bed to the shower and change my clothes. Honestly, I didn’t want to go out, but Xander wasn’t taking no for an answer. Unsure of what could be so damn important, I drive down the dirt road and turn right. Within minutes, I’m pulling into Hideaway’s parking lot.
Walking inside, Randal looks up and greets me with a smile. Walking up to the bar, I smile and hug him. He starts to reach for my normal drink, and I shake my head.
“I don’t plan on being here long.” I smile. Turning, I head over to where Xander sits. “What was so important?”
“You aren’t in a good mood,” he says with a slight frown.
“Well, no. You woke me up after I’ve had little sleep and make me drive here to meet you. What is so important that you need to talk to me about?”
His face drops. “I think Jenna is cheating again.”
Out of friendship, I reach out and hold his hand. “I’m sorry. Why do you think that?”
“She’s acting differently.” He shrugs.
“What’s really going on,” I ask leaning back in my chair, crossing my arms over my chest. “Because I don’t believe that this is about Jenna. Call me crazy, but I just don’t.”
“I miss you. I miss the way we were.”
Shaking my head, I can’t stop the laughter that escapes my lips. First Legend comes back into my life declaring his love. Now, Xander.
“You don’t miss me. You think you do because you haven’t forgiven Jenna for what she did to you.”
He looks up at me, anger on his face. “How do you know how I feel? I told you I loved you and you never said it back to me. Are you that fucked up that you can’t love anyone?”
Slamming my hands on the table, I rise from my chair slowly and lean in close to his face. “First off, fuck you! Second, when you say you love someone, you might want to get the name right, so it means something!”
When his breath puffs out against my face, I realize he’s drinking again. Taking the cup from his hand, I walk it over to the counter and hand it to Randal, telling him not to serve him any alcohol. Moving back over to the table, I look at Xander.
“We dated for a few months. We were both hurting. You are afraid to trust Jenna with your heart again because of what happened before. When you are ready to let go of that pain, you’ll see that the woman you are with right now, the one you are about to start a family with, will be the same woman you loved so much you wanted to marry.”
He shifts in his chair and looks at me, completely vulnerable. “When you and I were together, it was easy. I loved the way that we talked, how in sync we were on things.”
Smiling at me, I sit back down in my chair. “You just described a friend, Xander. Everything you said that you enjoyed is the friendship we had.”
“I compare her to you. Part of me wants you back. I want to go back to the simple way things were when we were together. The eager moments of passion…”
“Xander,” I pat his hand. “I’ll always cherish and respect what you did for me. You pulled me out of a seriously bad depression. Who knows what would have happened to me had you not fallen off your stool that day. But that’s where it ends. Friendship. I’ve thought a lot about it. I loved you, Xander…” He sta
rts to interrupt me. “BUT it wasn’t the type of love that you have for someone you want to spend forever with. It’s friendship, Xander. That’s all.”
The sudden realization of what I’m saying to him at this moment hits me hard in the chest. I do love Xander, but I don’t love him with the intention of a future. Suddenly, things become clearer, I know what I need to do. Grabbing his phone, I dial the phone.
“Hi, it’s Waverly,” I say the minute the ringing stops.
“Waverly? Why do you have my husband’s phone?”
Whoa! He’s married? Didn’t expect that. Shaking my head, I got back to the matter at hand.
“Don’t worry. We’re just friends, and he happened to come into the bar that I’m a silent partner in. I’m afraid he shouldn’t be driving home. Is there a way you can come and get him?”
“He’s drinking again?” The sadness and concern in her voice hurts me.
“Yes. I know this isn’t my place, but he’s a friend, so I will. He thinks you’re cheating again.”
“Oh God,” Jenna breathes. “I’d never cheat on him again. I love him. It’s because we lost the baby and I… I’ve gone into…”
“Don’t,” I say stopping her from saying any more. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I look at Xander as I talk to Jenna. “Both of you need to listen. I lost my son at three months old. That darkness will eat you up and break you apart if you let it. You two are lucky to have each other during this time. I didn’t. I was alone. Now, he’s alone dealing with the fact that he now knows he had a kid in his two-year absence. Don’t let this break you apart. You have each other. You’ll eventually have your family, but you have to heal together, or you’ll fall apart.”
Tears fall down Xander’s cheeks as he nods his head. I hand him his phone and turn and walk out of the bar. He loves her. It’s all over his face. And the realization that I had come to as I sat at that table with him, that my feelings for him were friendly not romantic is cemented even further.
The turmoil that has been a constant presence inside me is slowly beginning to ease, little by little. Turning out onto the main road, I head to the one place that I’ve not been in a long time.