Drive

by Brenda Rothert

  “Your editor understands about you breaking the 60-day thing for me?” I teased.

  She punched my arm lightly. “No. That’s still on the down low. I got an assignment I never dreamed I’d get. I’m going to Ireland for ten days after Christmas!”

  “Ireland?” I glanced over, her contagious smile spreading across my face, too. “That’s fuckin’ awesome!”

  “I know! It was a long shot, but I just pitched an idea, and the editor loved it.”

  “For the newspaper?”

  “No, it’s for a travel magazine.”

  I reached for her hand and squeezed it. This felt like a dinner date with a serious girlfriend. I was a little nervous and a lot excited. But instead of scaring the hell out of me, it seemed right.

  The restaurant was dimly lit and intimate — just what I wanted. Sadie’s face was radiant when the flicker of the flame from the candle on our table danced across it. We ordered drinks and as soon as the waiter left I took her hand from across the table and held it.

  “So … the other night,” I said, taking a deep breath. “I’ve told you my parents own a deli in New York. We moved into a neighborhood of Russian immigrants when we got here. The first few years were hard. We usually didn’t have enough to eat. Us kids would bum meals from neighbors when we could. It was tough for my parents, serving food to other people when they didn’t have enough for their own kids.”

  I shifted in my seat. I’d never said these things out loud to anyone, and it left me feeling completely exposed. Sadie squeezed my hand and I continued.

  “Eventually things got better, but we still never had any extras. I worked cleaning gutters and painting buildings every summer from the time I was 12 to pay for hockey. But I still ran short sometimes, and my parents would somehow find the money. They borrowed from a crook in the neighborhood, Len, a couple times. I didn’t have any idea Pop was back in debt to Len until my brother called the other day and said Len sent his guys to collect.”

  Sadie’s brow furrowed with concern. “That doesn’t sound good.”

  I shook my head. “They messed Pop up really bad. Broke his legs, fucked up his face. So I went there and did what needed done.”

  “Niko,” she said softly. “Is your father going to be okay?”

  “Hopefully. The doctors don’t know the long-term effects for his legs and hip. Anyway, on the flight home, I thought about you a lot. I flipped my shit over being late for practice last week because I was worried about letting my family down. But the truth is, I don’t want to be alone anymore. I need you in my life.”

  Her expression softened and her eyes took on a glassy look. “I was so wrong about you. I thought you were just another asshole looking to get laid.”

  “I was,” I admitted. “Don’t get me wrong. I started out that way. But somewhere along the way, I fell under your spell. I didn’t plan it this way, but … I could see myself falling in love with you, Sadie.”

  Her face flushed and she looked down at the table. Making her feel special was a high I’d never tire of.

  “I just need to know, before I fall flat on my ass here … do you feel the same way about me?” My heart raced as I waited for her to speak, the couple of seconds it took feeling like hours.

  “Yes. I feel the same way.”

  I sighed, relief coursing through me. She felt the same way. I wanted to jump onto the table, pump my fist and announce it to the entire restaurant.

  “What are you doing for Christmas?” I asked.

  “Aren’t you going home?”

  I shook my head. “My schedule’s tight. I get in late on Christmas Eve and I have to take off early the morning after Christmas. I can’t risk a delayed flight.”

  “Oh. That’s too bad.”

  I wove my fingers through hers. “Sadie. What are you doing for Christmas?”

  “Oh. Nothing, actually. Luke and Dell invited me to their house, but honestly, I need to be alone that day. That’s probably the hardest day of the year for me. I know it seems like being around friends would help, but it doesn’t.”

  “I’d really like to see you that day.”

  “That’s sweet of you, Niko. But honestly, if I can just spend that day alone with my memories, I’ll be my usual self the day after.”

  I didn’t want to push her too hard. I couldn’t imagine losing my whole family like she had. But I couldn’t stand the thought of her being sad and alone on Christmas.

  “Maybe you should think about making new memories,” I said. “Not that you’ll ever forget the other ones, but don’t let that define Christmas for the rest of your life, Sade.”

  She arched her brows and met my eyes with a look of determination. “Just go with it. Please. Maybe we can see each other next Christmas, if you aren’t sick of me by then.”

  I stroked a thumb across her delicate wrist. “Trust me, woman. I will never get sick of you.”

  Chapter 11

  Ryke settled into the airplane seat next to me and pulled on the cord to my headphones to dislodge an earbud.

  “What’s up?” I said.

  “Hey. Good game tonight, man.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Luke said you’re not going home for Christmas.”

  “Nope. I’d be stressed about my flight getting cancelled the whole day.”

  Ryke laughed softly. “I once drove like a bat out of hell to make a flight when I went home for Thanksgiving and my flight to Chicago got delayed.”

  “Yeah, hopefully I’ll make it home next year.”

  “You’re coming over to our house this year. Luke and Dell will stop by, and some of our family. We want you there.”

  I rubbed my jaw, considering how to respond. “Yeah … thanks, but I’ve actually got plans.”

  “You gonna eat pizza and jerk off alone in your apartment?”

  “No, I’m spending the day with a friend.”

  He nodded and smiled. “Would this friend be a writer with dark hair and a pretty smile?”

  My lips parted with shock and I cleared my throat, trying to regain my composure. “Uh, I don’t …”

  “Don’t bullshit me, Niko.” He punched my thigh and I glared at him.

  “I’ve got a fucking muscle strain there, asshole.”

  “Is it Sadie?”

  I turned around, my eyes scanning the seats for Luke.

  “Relax. He’s watching a movie a few rows back.”

  I shifted in my seat. “Don’t tell him, okay? He thinks I’m out to screw her and bail, and I’m not.”

  “I won’t.”

  “How did you know?” I asked, leaning forward in my seat.

  He shrugged and grinned. “I didn’t. My wife suspected something was going on between you two. She’s pretty perceptive.”

  “Hmm,” I grunted. “Well, I really like Sadie. She doesn’t put up with my bullshit. And she’s an amazing person. I didn’t plan this, but it happened, and—”

  “Hey.” He cut me off, clapping me on the knee. “I’m happy for you guys. From what I know about Sadie, she doesn’t have a lot of people around her. I think she comes off as closed off and maybe a little angry, but she really isn’t.”

  “Her defenses are just up at first,” I said. “And I get that. She’s been hurt. She plays it off with sarcasm, but really she’s just trying to protect herself.”

  Ryke leaned his head back against the seat, “Kate and I were both dealing with issues when we met. But she was worth the wait. Hopefully she feels the same way about me.”

  I knew from his smile that he was kidding. His eyes had taken a far-off look, like he was remembering something. His tone was sentimental when he spoke again.

  “It’s the best feeling, man, finding that one woman who makes you forget about all the others. Don’t fuck it up.”

  I nodded. I’d become a pro at casual sex in the minors, but this was uncharted territory for me. The words of my college hockey coach rang in my ears – “Don’t tell me, show me.” I needed to show Sadi
e that she was different from all the rest.

  ***

  Sadie

  I’d planned on sleeping as late as humanly possible this morning, but my body seemed to know it was Christmas. I didn’t have the happy jitters this holiday gave most people, though. Instead there was a weight in my chest that kept me in bed, covers cocooned protectively around myself.

  If only the covers could keep away the sadness. I wanted my family back. Even at the age of 25, there was a heartbroken teenager inside me who had missed the hugs of her parents so much over the past decade that it still drew tears. Friends were nice – they really were. Dell, Luke and Kyler reminded me I wasn’t alone in this world. But Christmas was for family, and I didn’t have one.

  If I stayed here long enough, I’d fall back asleep eventually. I closed my eyes, willing it to happen, when a knock on the door made my eyes fly open.

  Such bullshit. Who knocked on someone’s door on Christmas morning? Especially someone who was trying to sleep away this damn holiday …

  I unwrapped myself from the covers, glaring at the door as I stomped across the room to the peephole. I wasn’t opening it if it was a man who looked even the least bit creepy. Or a woman, for that matter. It would need to be a puppy out in the hallway for me to open the door.

  I peeked, gasping when I saw Niko standing there looking good enough to eat in a flannel shirt, jeans and black leather jacket. What was he doing here? I’d been clear that I wanted to be alone today.

  His muffled voice came through the closed door. “I know you’re there. Let me in, Sadie.”

  I opened the locks and cracked the door. “What are you doing here?”

  “Merry Christmas.”

  “Merry Christmas,” I said through the crack.

  “Let me in.” His tone was agitated and I sighed with annoyance. Then I caught a flash of something shiny under his arm. Oh, hell. He’d brought me a gift.

  “What is this?” I demanded, opening the door. “You don’t listen very well, do you?”

  Niko grinned and stepped in. “Not really, no.”

  He slid out of his coat and tossed it over the back of the couch, setting the present down and rubbing his hands together.

  “It’s freezing. Can I make some coffee? Maybe breakfast? You want something to eat?”

  “No. What are you doing here?”

  “We’re gonna hang out today,” he said. “Very low-key. Just two people having a quiet day together.”

  I brushed my fingers through my hair. “I’m in my pajamas. I wasn’t even planning to get dressed today. I don’t have anything to cook, unless you want mac and cheese. And I didn’t get you anything for Christmas.”

  “Getting to be with you is enough.”

  I rolled my eyes at him. “Niko, you’re impossible. Now if I make you leave, I’m the grouchy malcontent who doesn’t appreciate the giant hunk of hot Russian on her couch who also happens to be really sweet.”

  He smiled. “We can’t have that. And now you’ve got me all excited by using those big words of yours.”

  “Fine,” I grumbled. “We’ll hang out. But it’s not going to be fun.”

  “Not at all. It’s gonna be the worst day ever. Promise. Now come over here and sit with me.” He patted the couch cushion next to him and I approached. When I got close enough, he reached around my waist and pulled me into his lap. I squealed as his icy hands touched my exposed waistline.

  “You’re freezing!”

  “So warm me up,” he said, kissing me softly.

  “You wanna get back in bed with me?” I whispered against his lips. Maybe we could compromise. I could stay in bed all day without sleeping.

  “No.” He pulled back a few inches and looked at me. “I mean, yeah, but no. I didn’t come over here just to fuck you. Let’s do something. Watch a movie or play a game or talk.”

  “Okay. Let me take a shower and get dressed first.”

  He patted my knee and stood up. Damn, was he tall. I loved his commanding presence. “I’ll whip up something to eat while you’re in there.”

  “It’s a good thing you like rat asses because that’s literally about all you’ll find in there,” I said. “Seriously, I have nothing.”

  “So we’ll go out then,” he said.

  “On Christmas? Isn’t every place closed?”

  He shrugged. “We’ll find something.”

  I took a hot shower, washing away my plans to spend Christmas alone. Maybe spending today with Niko would make me feel better; maybe it would make me feel worse. But either way, I was proud of myself for trying. He was right – at some point Christmas needed to be something more to me than a day to mourn my family. But just that idea felt too raw to think about any deeper right now.

  I’d dried my hair and was brushing it out when I came out of the bathroom and found Niko waiting on my couch.

  “Will you open this?” he asked, nodding toward the red-wrapped gift with a sliver ribbon tied around it. I sat next to him and picked up the box, wishing I would’ve thought to get him a just-in-case gift.

  When I unwrapped the box, opened it and moved the tissue paper aside, I saw a worn black book with gold gilt peacock feathers spreading across the cover. The words I saw — ‘Pride and Prejudice’ – made my breath catch.

  “Niko,” I said softly. “Is this what I think it is?”

  He smiled. “Do you think it’s an 1894 edition of Pride and Prejudice?”

  “I can’t even touch this. It’s the most incredible thing anyone’s ever given me.”

  I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t help it. On the day that was usually the worst of the year for me, something beautiful and completely unexpected was happening.

  “You have to touch it,” he said. “It’s yours. I went to an antique book store in Canada and asked the owner what the perfect gift was for a smart, beautiful writer and he said this was it.”

  “It is. It’s divine.”

  I gingerly reached past the tissue and pulled out the book. Running my fingers over the elaborate gold pattern, I lifted the book to my nose. The one-of-a-kind scent of an old book made me sigh contentedly.

  “I am in love,” I pronounced, clutching it to my chest. “Thank you so much.”

  “You’re welcome. You ready to go?”

  I nodded and gathered up my stuff, responding to Dell’s ‘Merry Christmas’ text, which included a last-minute plea for me to change my mind about coming over. I told her I was with Niko and tucked my phone into my pocket.

  When we walked out of my building, the street was lined with cars but there wasn’t a person in sight. Niko took my gloved hand in his and we walked in silence.

  The cold winter air on my cheeks was exhilarating. I didn’t even care if we walked forever and never found a place to eat.

  “What was the best gift you ever got for Christmas?” Niko asked me.

  I considered. “Besides the book? I remember walking down the stairs one year and seeing a new bike beside the tree with a pink flowered basket in front of it. I jumped up on it and refused to get down. I wore that bike out riding it around the neighborhood.”

  The memory made me smile, and I glanced up at Niko’s dark, scruffy cheeks. “What about you?”

  “New hockey skates. My old ones were falling apart. Mom did a bunch of extra sewing that year so they could buy all us kids something we wanted for Christmas. Anna still has the doll they got her.”

  “What’s your family doing today?” I asked, stopping for traffic as we reached a corner.

  “They’re all hanging out at the hospital since Pop’s still there. I’m sure Mom’s gonna try to work her way into the hospital kitchen to make some Russian food. Hey, the lights are on at that little diner,” he said, pointing across the street. “Wanna try it?”

  I nodded and he led the way into a place called ‘Louie’s’. There were a handful of other people there, but it was quiet other than the Christmas carols playing on a radio.

  “My kind of place,�
�� Niko said, glancing up from his menu. “They have sauerkraut.”

  I wrinkled my nose. “Pass on that. But I am planning to have a hot chocolate milkshake. That sounds pretty interesting.”

  We both ordered, and silence descended when the waitress left our table. Niko was studying me. What was he thinking? His dark gaze was hesitant, which was rare for him.

  “What was your brother’s name?” he asked. He tried for a casual tone, but I could tell he was wondering whether this topic was off-limits.

  “Seth.”

  “If you want to talk about your family, I’d like to listen.”

  I sighed deeply, studying the speckled colors of the Formica tabletop. This was where he was supposed to tell me I didn’t have to talk about it if I didn’t want to. But he didn’t. He just kept watching my face, those brown eyes compelling me.

  “Seth had Type 1 Diabetes. He was having problems, and my parents were taking him to see a specialist in Philadelphia. My dad’s friend Tom was a pilot, so he offered to fly them.”

  “From where? Where’d you guys live?”

  “Denver.”

  The waitress delivered drinks to the table, and I scooped a big spoonful of whipped cream from my milkshake into my mouth before continuing.

  “They think it was an engine failure of some sort. The loss of them was painful, of course, but one of the things that bothered me as much as that was wondering what those last moments must’ve been like for them. I had to go to therapy for more than a year to work through things like that. But still … it never goes away, you just learn to live with it. I still have plane crash nightmares.”

  “I can’t imagine.”

  I swallowed, considering whether I wanted to tell him something I’d never shared with anyone.

  “Do you want to hear something crazy?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  With a deep, calming breath, I dove in. “I was having a really hard time with things about a year after it happened. I missed all of them so much. There were people I knew from school who drank and used drugs or cut themselves, and I was beginning to see why. When you feel crushed by this weight of sadness that never goes away, it’s hard to figure out how to cope. Therapy was helping, and I never considered doing anything self-destructive, but just getting it alarmed me.”