In Too Deep

by Mary Connealy

  He was wide awake and could swear he heard every button slip through its hole.

  A scratching sound surprised him into glancing over his shoulder, and he saw Audra sitting on a stool near the little dresser Rafe had made. She moved rhythmically in the dim light, and it took Ethan a few seconds to figure out she was brushing her hair.

  Her nightgown was white, or at least it appeared so in the starlit room. He realized he’d never seen her hair loose before. It was long, nearly to her waist, and very fine. Very beautiful.

  She finished with her brushing and stood hesitantly. Ethan looked away quickly before she could catch him staring.

  Sweat broke out on his forehead as he heard her take one slow step at a time toward the bed.

  He was glad he’d dozed off, because that might be the only sleep he got tonight. He didn’t think it was going to be possible to sleep with her right next to him.

  It was a strange business having a woman in the same bed as him. Wildly strange. A good kind of strange.

  Quiet as a ghost, she lay down beside him. The bed gave; the covers shifted on his body as she adjusted them.

  Ethan was glad he was lying down—because he was suddenly a little dizzy.

  “Ethan?” Audra whispered.

  “Yeah.” He was lucky to get that much to come out of his suddenly dry throat.

  “I . . . I feel like this needs to be said.” He heard her shift—felt her shift, too. That’s when he realized his eyes were clamped shut and he faced away from her.

  He’d frozen like that.

  But her tone, so sweet and worried, gave him no choice but to turn. He could smell her.

  A strange business noticing what someone else smelled like, but she smelled fresh and innocent and sweet. None of those things was a smell, but Ethan swore it was what it made him think of. He breathed a little deeper.

  “Okay.” Another word. Ethan was amazed he managed it as he rolled onto his right side and looked at his very own sworn-an-oath-before-God-and-man wife.

  Wife.

  Strange business being married.

  Strange for sure.

  “What passes between a man and wife . . .” She fell silent. There was a window behind Ethan and the night was bright. Her white hair glowed and her skin was as pale and fine as her hair. The starlight cast all the shadows in deep blue. She was stunningly beautiful.

  Ethan knew it for a fact because he was fully stunned.

  “Go on.” He swallowed hard to make his throat work and he might’ve gotten up to get a drink of water if he’d been able to make himself leave the bed.

  “Well, I know about a wife’s . . . duty. I expect to . . . to honor you as a wife must. In that way.”

  Ethan wasn’t sure if she was talking about making meals or what. “That’s good then. I’m glad to have you for that.”

  “I’m not surprised.” She sounded disgruntled. Maybe she hated cooking. He wondered if she hated good-night kissing.

  Ethan rose up on one elbow so he could look down on her. His body blocked the moonlight, but he could still see her enough. Then, driven by an urge he couldn’t control, he bent slowly down and kissed her. She lay still for seconds while Ethan marveled at the touch of her lips on his. He marveled at a few more things that came to mind. Some of them shocked him.

  Then she sighed and her lips softened and suddenly she was kissing him back. He’d never kissed a woman besides her, so he didn’t know there was more than a touching of the lips.

  There was a whole lot more.

  She lifted one hand to touch his chest and that delicate female touch stirred him, made him restless and hungry for more. Her hand moved and for a terrible moment he thought she meant to stop touching him, to push him away. Then instead of pushing, she slowly, an inch at a time, let her hand creep up his chest until it slid around his neck.

  She pulled him closer . . . so close.

  He felt something that tugged on his heart. It was terrifying. More terrifying than if she’d shoved him away. He refused to feel this deeply. He’d learned that lesson when he’d taunted his little brother to get him to climb out of a pit. He’d learned it when, right in front of Ethan’s eyes, Seth had lost his mind.

  Seth had never really found it again and it was all Ethan’s fault.

  The guilt drove him to move away from Audra, and he was planning to, in just another minute.

  Her other hand crept around his neck and he forgot exactly why feeling this good was a terrible idea. His arms moved without his giving much thought to it. They circled her waist, pulled her closer still. He reveled in the miracle of a woman and ignored the danger of what woke up inside of him.

  The draw was so powerful that he had to risk feeling, even knowing it led only to pain.

  How could a man have a woman in his arms and in his bed and not care, not love? What if he allowed himself to care and he lost her?

  He ended the kiss and was surprised to find just how close he’d gotten to her.

  “Ummm . . .” Audra’s eyes flickered open. He could see them shining in the darkness because he no longer cast a shadow on her, not with her tucked beneath him.

  “We can’t . . . that is . . . the baby is too young.”

  “Too young for what?”

  “A woman can’t . . . well, she can’t.”

  Can’t what? Ethan was afraid to ask, since he really didn’t know exactly what she was talking about. He only knew that he wanted to kiss her a lot more than he wanted to talk.

  “I suppose—I mean I know because of, well, after Maggie it was probably too soon. Yes, much too soon.” Audra’s delicate hands caressed the back of his neck as she talked. “And now there’s Lily.”

  It was so distracting, Ethan had his hands full listening to her. He kissed her again, hoping she’d stop talking.

  She did.

  For a long time.

  Then she turned her head aside. “But she . . . I mean, we shouldn’t, Ethan.”

  Lily shouldn’t do something? Babies didn’t do much but sleep and cry and eat. He wondered which of those Audra wanted to put a stop to.

  “Shouldn’t what?” Ethan liked his wife better when she wasn’t talking. He suspected that was the way it was for all men and their wives. He leaned down to kiss her again and get her to quiet down.

  He was too slow. She started talking again.

  “Anyway, we mustn’t. Not yet. You agree, right?” She sounded really uncertain. Like she maybe didn’t know what she was talking about.

  Ethan figured that made them about even, because he didn’t know what she was talking about, either. He only knew he didn’t want to care about anyone as much as he was afraid he could care about his wife.

  Ethan felt Audra’s arms leave his neck. She whispered, “Let’s get some sleep.”

  Common sense said they should. “Lily will be waking you up before long, won’t she?”

  He ached as she slipped an inch farther away, until they weren’t touching at all. The ache made him all the more determined to not let her sneak her way into his heart.

  He finally moved away too and lay flat on his back and stared at the ceiling, fighting the need to look at her again. Then her hand touched his. Slowly, gently, her delicate hand slid into his and he held on, their fingers entwined.

  Ethan felt a peace descend on him that he hadn’t felt since before Seth’s accident. No. It had been longer than that. Before the first time he’d come upon his mother crying for no reason.

  That peace scared him to death because it went so deep, to a tender place in his heart that couldn’t bear to be hurt. It must have been fear that made him hold her hand tighter, and knowing there was no chance he could sleep tonight, not with her here, he just hung on and tried to deny that she’d touched him all the way to his heart.

  The scream tore Ethan out of a deep sleep.

  He was on his feet before he remembered he was a shallow man.

  A shallow man with a brother who tended to scream in his sleep. Nothing
to get upset about there.

  Of course he had to shut Seth up. He’d wake the children.

  Another scream, more awful. He might stampede the horses.

  Audra hit the floor running, and only then did Ethan remember he’d gotten married.

  “I’m burning!”

  Ethan took a second to prove he didn’t care about anything. He ran his hands through his hair and felt them shaking. Stupid to let it upset him.

  Seth screamed again.

  Ethan followed. He knew how to handle this. Seth had been having nightmares ever since he’d come home.

  Ethan got to his bedroom doorway in time to see Audra freeze, her hand on the door. “Charging into Seth’s bedroom a little forward for you, darlin’?”

  “I’m on fire!” Seth’s scream would have shriveled Ethan’s soul if he’d let himself care.

  Audra paused in the darkened hallway. She wore her nightclothes, which covered her from neck to toe, but still . . . “You go first.”

  “Get back to bed. I’ll wake him up.” Ethan reached her side in time to see a mighty cranky look. “What?”

  “Your brother needs help.”

  Ethan couldn’t deny that. Help and maybe a straitjacket.

  “The fire! Ethan! Rafe! Help!” A bloodcurdling scream almost honestly curdled Ethan’s blood. His heart was pumping hard and erratically as if there were lumps slowing it down.

  Audra shoved open the door, rushed to Seth, and grabbed his arms. “Seth, wake up!”

  He heaved himself forward, twisted in her grasp. “Let go. No, don’t. I’m burning. Don’t. Don’t shoot!”

  Seth swung, and Ethan threw himself forward to block the fist just in time to catch it with his mouth. Seth had sent it straight for Audra.

  Ethan staggered backward, then rushed back into the space between Seth and Audra. Seth threw himself sideways unexpectedly and knocked Audra on her backside.

  “Get back before he hurts you.” Ethan felt his temper ignite, and since Seth wasn’t awake, he yelled at the person most handy. “If you’d’ve stayed out of here, I’d have him awake by now.”

  Audra scrambled backward. Good thing. Seth swung again. This time Ethan didn’t have Audra to protect, so he could duck in plenty of time.

  Then, just when Ethan thought she was going to be sensible and get back, she launched herself at Seth and wrapped her arms around him.

  “Wake up, Seth. You’re okay. You’re fine.”

  Audra was too close to really get hit. Seth rolled away from her and dragged her onto the bed.

  It was a fur ball for a while.

  Seth thrashing.

  Ethan trying to grab a handful of someone, to break this up.

  Seth screaming like he was in agony, on fire.

  Audra crooning at Seth like he was a frightened child.

  Ethan doing his best to get his brother off Audra without hurting either of them.

  A wild heave of Seth’s body sent Audra away from him and she tumbled straight for Ethan, who went down under her like a pine tree in an avalanche.

  Audra ended up sprawled on top of Ethan, nose to nose with him.

  Seth quit screaming.

  Ethan’s head went in a whole wild direction that honestly surprised him.

  “Are you all right?” he asked.

  Her pure white brows slammed together. “Quit treating me like I’m a fragile piece of China.” She shoved against his body to get up.

  There was the Audra he knew. Irritated, he grabbed her and jerked her back against him. “I don’t treat you like that. But Seth outweighs you by about a hundred pounds and he just bucked you off like you were riding a wild mustang. I’d’ve asked anyone if they were all right after that.”

  Audra quit shoving and settled against him, flowed really, like melted candle wax. “Really?”

  “Well, sure.” Ethan slid his hand up her back. A trim back. He might’ve been going to give her a reassuring pat on the shoulder, but his hands sort of wandered.

  “Well, okay.”

  He felt her breathe. He was distracted for a second by how wonderful a breathing woman could feel. He only distantly remembered what they’d been talking about. Audra’s face was shadowed, what with her being on top of him and everything. But he could see the shine of her eyes, even though they seemed colorless and mysterious.

  Something shifted inside Ethan. Something deep, painful, frightening. He’d caught a glimpse of that deep pain and longing earlier and he’d ignored it with a lifetime of skill.

  But with Audra’s weight on him and whatever that was that stirred deep inside, and the parson’s vows still ringing in his ears, telling him she was right where God wanted her, Ethan was captivated. His hands tightened on her.

  “Ethan?” Audra sounded confused. Her hand slid up his chest and around his neck. Soft hands. Pretty hands. Pretty lady.

  “Should you be lying on top of my brother like that?” Seth’s head appeared over Audra’s shoulder.

  She rolled off one way while Ethan scooted the other.

  “Fell down is all, Seth.” Ethan was on his feet so fast that Audra was still sitting on the floor and Seth was crouching beside her, staring at where they’d both just been.

  Seth looked up and smiled, his blue eyes wild looking yet mostly normal. “Had a bad dream.”

  Ethan nodded. He reached down for Audra. She took his hand. Considering she’d had a baby recently, she was mighty agile.

  Ethan shook his head, dropped her hand a bit too slowly, and turned away from both of these two pests to drag in a chest full of air.

  “Are you all right?” Audra’s voice turned Ethan around, at least somewhat against his will.

  He saw her rest her hand on Seth. She really hadn’t oughta touch Seth when she’d just had her hands on him. A woman shouldn’t be puttin’ her hands on a whole lotta different men.

  Audra said to Seth, “The sun will be up in a few minutes. Why don’t you go get a fire started in the kitchen stove?”

  Nodding, Seth said, “No sense trying to get back to sleep. We can get a jump on the day.”

  “Sounds good. I’ll get started on breakfast quick. I can have biscuits in the oven before the baby wakes up. And get the bread on to bake.” Audra smiled at Seth. Sweet. Gentle. Worried.

  Ethan wanted to punch his brother.

  Seth disappeared out the bedroom door, and Audra turned to follow. Ethan caught her arm and whispered, “You need to be careful around Seth when he’s having a nightmare. He could hurt you.”

  Audra turned. Ethan realized the sun must be near the horizon, though it rose late here in the shadow of Pike’s Peak. “Seth would never hurt me.”

  Dropping his voice lower, he snapped, “He’d have punched you in the face if I hadn’t gotten in the way.”

  “He needs kindness, Ethan. He needs a safe place, good food, kind words, gentle touches. I think we can really help him if we just pour kindness out on him.”

  “I agree that he needs all those things, but you need to be careful, too. I’ve helped wake Seth up from a few nightmares, and I’ve learned to stay back until he’s awake.”

  Audra reached up and touched Ethan’s temple. “Not this morning you didn’t.”

  The touch helped Ethan get control of his anger. “I saw his fist coming right at you. I had to do something.”

  Her hand trailed down his cheek as gently as a breath of air. It still hurt. He’d probably end up with a black eye.

  She lifted her hand away. “I need to get on with breakfast.”

  Kindness, gentle touches. Good food.

  As she left, Ethan wondered if Audra was treating him the same way she treated Seth. And if so, did that mean she thought he was a crazy man, too?

  I’m crazy to let that man kiss me.

  Audra pulled her clothes on quickly and rushed downstairs. She got coffee started and had just measured out the flour for biscuits when Maggie yowled. She turned back and nearly ran into Ethan. She’d been so lost in thought that sh
e hadn’t heard him coming down. And besides, those stairs were so well built they didn’t squeak a bit.

  “I’ll get her. Better hurry before she wakes the baby.” Ethan wheeled around and rushed back up to the bedroom.

  Audra was glad for the moment alone. And it would only be a moment, she knew. Seth had a fire crackling in the stove and was probably fetching kindling, for the woodbox was empty. Ethan would be down right away with Maggie.

  Savoring the quiet moment, she finished making the biscuits. She didn’t bother lighting a lantern in the gray light of dawn. No sense wasting kerosene.

  She took stock of her supplies. Plenty of venison left from last night. Eggs. A basketful of them sitting on a long, highly polished oak counter. There was milk in a pail. A rasher of bacon hung from a meat hook over a sink that had cold running water coming right into the house. And the sink had a drain that went right back out, no water to haul. Such luxury! Ethan said the drain emptied onto the kitchen garden to water the vegetables.

  There was a nice square cast-iron oven with a baking chamber and water wells. A quick check told her the wells were full. She quickly sliced bacon into a big skillet. As the meat sizzled, she heard Ethan’s low voice. Maggie giggled. Maybe he was changing her diaper and getting her ready for the day.

  Audra sincerely doubted it. But she did thank God quietly that, though she hadn’t married for love this time, she’d at least married a kind man. She thought of how he’d kissed her last night, and her cheeks heated as she turned the bacon. But she didn’t for one second blame the heat of the stove for the blush.

  Holding Ethan was more pleasant than anything that had ever passed between her and Wendell, and she’d had two babies with the old goat.

  A hiss sounded from inside the tall black coffeepot. The bacon sizzled. She began cracking eggs into a bowl to pour in after the bacon was done, surprised by just how delighted she was with her new life.

  Chapter

  7