Unsuitable

by Dawn Norwell

  “I was stupid to let you go. I’ve been kicking myself every second of every day since I walked through your door,” he continued. “The moment I was over the threshold, I immediately regretted it. I wanted to turn around, to ask you to take me back, but how could I come begging for forgiveness that I didn’t deserve? Why would I ever think that someone as selfless and giving, as daring and bold, as genuinely perfect as you, would ever take back a fool like me after I hurt you the way that I did?”

  I scoffed. “I’m far from perfect.”

  He contemplated this for a minute, a small smile playing at his lips. “You’re right. You’re not perfect. You are perfectly imperfect, a breed all of your own. That’s part of why I love you so much.”

  I was startled by the word; Zander had never told me he loved me before. Not once during our months of cuddle sessions and in-depth conversation had he indicated such strong feelings. The notion sent butterflies fluttering in my stomach, and I found myself pleased to know that a man like this could love a woman like me. But I was hesitant to believe him. If he loved me, then why did he walk out the door? You didn’t desert someone if you cared for them to that degree.

  “My feelings for you have never changed,” he said. “I was a fool to leave; I know that now. But what I said to you before I walked away was the truth. Though my actions have said otherwise, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that could change the way I feel about you.”

  I sighed. His words were messing with my emotions. I wanted so hard to trust what he said, to know that he felt the same way about me that I felt for him. But I was afraid that if I started to believe him, it would hurt that much more when he left again.

  “You could have anyone you wanted, Zander,” I muttered. “Instead of pursuing a woman you are so ashamed of, maybe you should find someone else.”

  Though it hurt my heart to utter the words, I knew it would be best if I let him go, if we went our separate ways now rather than letting this thing between us continue. Even if we could put aside our difference and let bygones be bygones, we were kidding ourselves if we ever thought the world would accept a suit and unsuit together.

  Zander startled me by grabbing my hand in his. “I don’t want anyone else, Kai, and I never will. How could I want anyone else when you’re standing before me, breathtakingly beautiful, and ferociously fearless? You refuse to be defined by your classification, whereas I allow it to rule my life, even when my choices make me miserable. But no more,” he said, brushing a strand of hair from my face and tucking it gently behind my ear. “You are the best thing about my life, the thing that makes me complete. I didn’t know true happiness until you came to Nova. I realize now that I am nothing without you.”

  “Then why didn’t you fight for me?” I asked my words barely discernible. My voice was thick with unshed tears. Try as I might to fight them, I couldn’t stop them from falling. “How could you just leave me like that, Zander? Was I nothing to you?” I cried into the sleeve of his jacket.

  He stepped forward to embrace me, and this time, I let him.

  “I was wrong. I shouldn’t have left. I know I can’t take back what I did, but I can promise you that, if you’ll have me, you will never have to question my loyalties again,” he said. “I will fight for you from this point forward. You will be my number one priority, now and forever,” he vowed. “Please, Kai. Can you ever forgive me?”

  Zander dropped to his knees before me and placing his head against my hands, pleading for my forgiveness. At that moment, he was completely at my mercy.

  I was quiet for a moment. My heart still ached with the sting of his rejection, but I wasn’t faultless in this separation. I had damn near shoved him out the door. Had I even given him a chance to explain his reasoning before I forced him from my life?

  I tried to look at things from his perspective, to understand why he did what he did. He thought he was doing what was best for his family by keeping our relationship concealed. If I were in his position and had the knowledge that he had, would I have sacrificed my happiness to prevent someone I cared for from being ostracized? The answer was yes.

  I knew my decision to move forward with or without Zander would set the course for the rest of my time in Nova, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there had never really been a choice. I had never cared for anyone the way I cared for Zander. Despite our differences, despite his betrayal, despite what the future may hold, I would never turn him away again.

  I took a deep breath, letting go of a month’s worth of pent up resentment and unhappiness. I pulled Zander to his feet and looked deep into his crystal blue gaze.

  “There’s nothing to forgive,” I whispered.

  Tears glistened in his eyes as he stared at me in awe. “I don’t deserve you,” he murmured, pulling me into his arms.

  I soaked in the warmth of his embrace, basking in the comfort of it. I had missed his touch, the way his strong arms wrapped protectively around me, making me feel safe. As he enveloped me, a small piece of my heart was restored. My shoulders relaxed as we held one another, like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together, each completing the other. He pulled away to gaze into my brown eyes.

  Before I realized it, his lips were on mine. The mood in the room shifted seamlessly, our passion becoming nearly tangible. We kissed deeply, intimately, each needing the other. His arm wrapped around my waist and he pulled me to him earnestly, as though we could never be close enough. I could sense his need, his desire, his love, the same emotions I had coursing through my own body.

  His hands trailed my waist, moving up along my spine to cup my neck. I trembled at his touch, a yearning filling me that I had never experienced before. I’d wanted Zander from the first moment I saw him, but this longing went deeper. I longed to be with him in every possible way, to give him a piece of me that no one else could ever have.

  The jacket I was holding so securely around myself slipped from my fingers, falling to the floor in a heap, exposing my nakedness, and I didn’t try to stop it.

  Zander lifted me effortlessly into his arms, carrying me to my small, twin bed. He laid me softly onto the mattress, and leaned over me. He broke the kiss to caress my face with his thumb. As we stared into each other’s eyes, I felt his desire prodding against my thigh, matching my own longing. My body trembled in response.

  A soft moan escaped my mouth as he pressed against me, a tingling sensation forming in my lower abdomen. This new, unfamiliar hunger scared me, and I pulled away from him, unsure.

  “Zander, you should know… that I’ve never,” I averted my eyes, my face heating with embarrassment. I was unable to finish the sentence. Zander ran his hand gently through my hair, tilting my chin upward until I was looking directly into his eyes.

  “It’s okay,” he said, comprehending the meaning behind my words.

  I could see the question on his face, asking me if I wanted him to stop. I bit my lip, hesitant. I wanted desperately to be with him in that way, more than anything else. But I was afraid- afraid that I wouldn’t know what to do, afraid that it might hurt, afraid that he might abandon me again when it was all said and done.

  But when I looked at his face, and I saw the love that he had for me, I knew he’d never leave me again. Nervous butterflies fluttered in my stomach, both from excitement and anxiousness. I took a deep breath and gave him a nod, telling him that this was what I wanted.

  With a small smile, Zander leaned down, touching his lips to mine. It was a sweet kiss, one of passion, of desire, of love, each needing the other more than ever, as the two of us became one.

  CHAPTER Nineteen: A RELATIONSHIP REVEALED

  I couldn’t prevent the smile from forming on my lips when I woke up the next morning. For the first time in weeks, a semblance of the person I used to be was returning, a light shining through the darkness that had consumed my life for the past month. I felt an inexplicable high, the magical intimacy of the previous night still fresh on my mind.

  B
ut it faded away when I reached out my arm and found that the other side of the bed was empty. I furrowed my brows and sat up gently, conscious of the soreness in my lower body. My eyes swept the small room, searching, but Zander was nowhere to be found.

  Although I was disappointed that he had disappeared, I couldn’t say that I hadn’t expected as much. Zander and I had never confirmed that we were in a relationship again. The previous night could have been a fluke, the result of heightened emotions, and the heat of the moment. I didn’t know if it meant anything to Zander, if I meant anything to him. He had no obligation to me, and I couldn’t hold him responsible for what happened, despite his declaration of love just a few hours before.

  I was awake earlier than usual, but I was too wired to sleep, so I hopped out of bed and started getting dressed. I smiled as I pulled on a top with a cheerful sunflower pattern, the vibrant top matching my good mood perfectly. I hummed happily as I combed through my hair and piled it into a neat bun. For the first time in a long time, I was looking forward to what this day might bring, and Zander was the reason why. I didn’t know where we stood, but as long as the two of us were on good terms, I could handle the rest of Nova.

  When I opened the door of my apartment, I was startled to see Zander standing on my doorstep, a large smile plastered on his face, and a single Tiger Lily clasped in his hand.

  “Good morning,” he said, giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek.

  “Morning,” I mumbled, confused by his sudden display of affection. I was so used to him cringing away from me in public that it was strange for him to be voluntarily kissing me.

  “Walk with me to breakfast?” he asked, holding out his free hand.

  “Umm… sure. But people will see us. What about your ‘image’?”

  “Fuck my image,” he laughed, tucking the Tiger Lily gently behind my ear.

  I eyed him skeptically. “People won’t like it.”

  “People will have to get over it. After all, what good would governing Nova be if I have to hide half of who I am?” he asked, a small smile forming as we both remembered me telling him this same thing several months ago.

  I laughed, taking his outstretched hand. When he intertwined his fingers with mine, my heart leaped with joy.

  People gawked as we walked by, and my smile quickly faded. I had feared this moment since the previous day. I knew that many of the unsuits would remember my mostly naked body from just a few hours ago, and I dreaded hearing their torturous remarks. My face reddened at the thought. But my worries were in vain because that was yesterday’s news. Today’s chatter was all about our perplexing and forbidden relationship.

  As we walked through the corridors, people nearly broke their necks to get a glimpse of us. I could only imagine the scandalous whispers that would soon fill the halls of Nova when word got around that Zander, the commander’s son, was seen with the suit. The idea of their dumbstruck faces brought a smile to my lips.

  Let them talk, I thought. Nothing could spoil my good mood today. I was at Zander’s side, back where I belonged, and my heart was full. The gossip was just background noise.

  As if the universe wanted to make a mockery of my elation, I noticed Jax lounging in the hallway ahead. His face transformed from playful glee to horrified revulsion when he saw Zander’s hand interlaced with mine. I averted my gaze, but not before I noticed his face filling with rage.

  I internally groaned as his eyes met mine. Jax was an avid hater of suits, so of course, our relationship would infuriate him. It was only a matter of time before Jax and Zander clashed.

  I braced myself as he stepped toward us. “Dude, what the hell? You a suit lover now?” he muttered, spitting at my feet in disgust. His face was only a foot from mine, his eyes narrowed into hateful slits as he glowered at me.

  “Actually, I am,” he said, the corners of his lips turning up as he glanced at me. Then his eyes went back to his friends. “I suggest you step away from her, Jax. Unless you want me to kick your ass,” Zander warned. Jax didn’t move, holding his glare as he weighed the pros and cons of taking on Zander. Zander stepped between us, blocking me from Jax’s view. “I’ve done it before, in case you’ve forgotten, and I’m more than capable of doing it again,” Zander reminded him.

  Embarrassment colored Jax’s face as he recalled lying on the bathroom floor, beaten, bruised, and covered in his own blood. People who had been eavesdropping smirked, and he snubbed his nose at them, warning them to get lost. I might have felt sorry for him- no one enjoyed being humiliated- but he hadn’t shown mercy for me during the weeks of torture at his hand, so why should I pity him now? Instead, I was filled with a sense of justice, remembering how he got a taste of his own medicine in the bathroom that night.

  “You’re not even worth it,” Jax mumbled, his lips curling in disgust as he walked away.

  Even though I despised Jax, I felt guilty that Zander was fighting with his friend. Despite our sour history, Jax and Zander were friends long before I came into the picture. But Zander was still willing to display our affection in front of Jax, knowing the consequences it might bring. He chose me over his lifelong friend. At that moment, I knew he meant what he had said about putting me first. I just hoped that the interaction didn’t make my already unfriendly relationship with Jax all the more hostile.

  As we strolled toward the cafeteria, I cringed away. I was used to waiting until the last possible moment to come to breakfast, to avoid as many unsuits as possible. But we were early today, and the room was filled to the brim with Nova residents. I took a deep breath and followed Zander into the cafeteria.

  The cheerful chatter and the clanging of cutlery that resonated around the large room faded away. Everyone fell eerily silent as we walked into the room. They seemed to be holding their breath in unison, horrorstruck as they took in our intertwined hands. I could almost feel the indignation radiating as they stared at us. I glanced up at Zander, but the smile never left his lips. He seemed unfazed by the thousands of curious eyes because he only had eyes for me. If the room’s enmity troubled him, he never let it show.

  I stood frozen until Zander gently urged me toward the service line. I looked up and saw my favorite cafeteria worker manning the breakfast station, as usual. For weeks she had been refusing to serve me as much as a crumb. I was wasting my time waiting in the line.

  “I’m not hungry,” I mumbled. But my stomach betrayed me by giving a loud grumble as the smell of fresh bacon wafted up to meet me.

  Zander eyed me curiously, then followed my gaze to the brusque woman staring crossly in my direction. Sensing the tension between us, Zander tugged my hand with his, pulling me toward the line. The worker began biting the inside of her cheek as we approached.

  “I’ll take a spinach omelet, please,” Zander said, and the woman handed him his order. “And you, Kai?” The tone in his voice didn’t make it seem optional.

  “Umm… oatmeal and a coffee?” I asked tentatively, but the worker didn’t budge. She just continued to glare at me. “You know, that’s okay, I changed my mind,” I said, cowering away at her antagonistic scowl. But Zander held me firm.

  “I believe she said she would like oatmeal and coffee, please.” He gave a polite smile, but there was an unmistakable authority in his voice. Still, the woman did not indicate that she’d heard him. The people closest to us turned to watch, eager to see who would win the battle of wills.

  The cafeteria worker squinted at Zander in irritation, as though she were trying to measure him up. But Zander was firm in his resolve, his stony face never turning from hers. She continued chewing on her jaw until I was sure it had to be bleeding. After a few minutes passed in tense silence, the woman let out a grunt of frustration; even she didn’t want to take on the commander’s son. With a vexed snarl of her lips, she placed my food and coffee on a tray, and slid it aggressively toward me.

  “Here,” she said. “Now move along. You’re holding up the line.”

  I grabbed the tray quickly before
she had the chance to change her mind.

  “Have a good day, Rema,” Zander said with a condescending smile. The woman glowered at him.

  If I had thought there was attention on us before, it was nothing compared to now. Zander had challenged one of the most tenacious people in Nova and had won. People stared harder than ever before as we walked to the back of the cafeteria. I tucked my head and tried to avoid their curious eyes as we found a seat among the hoard.

  My rear had barely touched the chair before I started tearing my toast apart and scooping up my oatmeal. I devoured the food like a rabid animal, inhaling it without bothering to savor the taste. This was the first semblance of a decent meal that I’d had in months, and it felt like I couldn’t eat it quickly enough. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed real food.

  I glanced up to see Zander staring at me, humor dancing on his face.

  “What?” I asked through a mouth full of food, feeling insecure.

  “Nothing. I was just appreciating how beautiful you are,” he said. He leaned forward to caress my face with his finger. Gasps echoed from the gawking multitude.

  “Thanks,” I muttered quietly, hiding my face behind a curtain of hair as a playful laugh escaped Zander’s lips.

  “Well, hello there,” a curious voice said. I glanced up and saw Ximea standing by our table, a look of arrogant satisfaction plastered across her face. She set her tray down and began nibbling on a grape with a smug smile.

  “Ximea,” Zander addressed her with a curt nod, fighting to hide his smirk.

  “Strange seeing the both of you here… together... out in public… in the open,” she said, her grin growing wider with each word. She leaned toward Zander, and with a whisper so quiet that I could barely hear it, she said, “I don’t want to say I told you so, but… you know.”

  Humor danced in Zander’s eyes. My eyes narrowed curiously, but I was still too busy stuffing my face with the warm food to ask what she was talking about.