Step Two

by Cole Bates

  “I was trying to make myself look more like them,” I mumbled so quickly that the words ran together.

  “What?”

  “I thought maybe you would be less ashamed of me if I was less pretty. I was trying to get rid of “Pretty Penny,” once and for all.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Alex why the hell do you think I’m ashamed of you? I think you’re drop-dead gorgeous. You drive me crazy with lust, all the time. I love who you are and what you look like. I’m not ashamed of being in love with you and I don’t want a more masculine version of you. Is this all about me being afraid to tell my dad?” I nodded and said,

  “Yeah, mostly…I guess. I just thought that if I looked more like a guy and less like a woman Marty might take it better. You know, that way when we’re in public together people wouldn’t suspect that we were a couple if I actually looked like a man.”

  “Jesus Christ Alex, what have I done to you? Babe, you do look like a man. You are a man. You have pretty hair and pretty features and skin I love to touch but just because you’re not bulky and hairy doesn’t mean you’re not masculine. I’m not attracted to you because I think that you look like a woman. I’m not attracted to women babe, at all. I used to have to force myself to date girls in high school. There was nothing there, just like there’s nothing there when I look at Tom or any of the other guys on my team. You turn me on, just the way you are and I don’t want you to change.” I know we should have explored the thing about him telling his dad a little more while we were talking, but his sweet words went right through me and I launched myself at him. He wrapped his big arms around me and pulled me up into his lap. I straddled him and pressed my lips into his. He ran his hands up and down my back while we kissed and I could feel his excitement growing. We could talk about Marty tomorrow.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  RYAN

  Alex and I made up and made love most of the night. I was satiated and satisfied that Alex wasn’t having an affair. He seemed satisfied that I didn’t want him to look like one of my teammates. When I came into the kitchen to make coffee he was in the bathroom shaving that awful copper hair off of his face and I was whistling a happy tune. When the doorbell rang I was surprised. It was early and most of the people we knew were in college. College-aged people didn’t tend to wake up and go visiting at practically the crack of dawn. I went over and opened the door and I was shocked to find Aubrey Vance on my doorstep.

  “Oh my God, Aubrey!” Her pretty face broke out in a wide, toothy smile.

  “Hi, Ryan! It’s been a long time. I wasn’t sure you would remember me.”

  “Of course I remember you. It’s only been like two years. Come in.” I stepped back and Aubrey breezed by in a cloud of what smelled like expensive perfume. Aubrey was proof of what I’d told Alex the night before. She was the kind of woman that could make even a gay man horny, Her naturally white-blonde hair had highlights scattered throughout it from a light golden blonde to a dark honey blonde and it hung in waves almost to her waist in back. The front was layered so that it framed her face and offset her delicate features. Her eyes were a crystal blue color, her lips full and red without a touch of lipstick or gloss on them and you had to admit that her body was a work of art no matter what age, gender or sexual orientation you are. But nothing inside of me stirred when I looked at her, not even a little bit. “What brings you by? How did you know where I live by the way?”

  “Aren’t you going to give me a proper hug before you start the inquisition?”

  “I’m sorry.” I closed the front door and opened my arms. Aubrey slipped into them but instead of putting her arms around my neck for a normal hug, she wrapped them around my bare chest and lay her face against it. I pat her shoulder and then gently nudged her back. “So what are you doing here?”

  “Well, your parents invited me to hang out with them when they come to the city next week, and then my father suddenly wanted to show me pictures of you online and had me looking up your baseball stats. I think they’re trying to set us up and I thought it would be less uncomfortable if I just came here and talked to you first. I know it’s early but I’m on my way to Dad’s office. I work in reception there now. Anyways, I would have called first but I don’t have your new number. Your step-mother sent your address so I could meet them here the night they expect us all to go out to dinner.”

  She didn’t even take a breath. Wow. I had almost forgotten how fast she talked and how annoying the way she jumped from subject to subject was. I tried to keep a neutral expression as I said,

  “Dad didn’t say anything about that when I talked to him a couple of weeks ago…”

  “I’m sorry. I was afraid of that. I keep trying to tell Daddy that I don’t need him to find me a husband, but you know how controlling both of our fathers can be. They think they know best and Daddy is sure you’re going to be a superstar one day and he wants me in on that. It sounds terrible, I know. But he just loves me a lot and thinks he knows more about what I need than I do. Do you have any coffee?”

  It took me a second to process everything she just said before I said, “Coffee? Yeah, I was just making it. I’ll get you a cup.” I realized she was looking at my chest again and I felt exposed. “And a shirt. I’ll grab a shirt too.”

  “Coffee first please,” she said, walking over to the couch and helping herself to a seat. I tried not to roll my eyes. I started into the kitchen and suddenly remembered Alex. I glanced down the hallway and said a little prayer that he would stay asleep until I could get her out of here. “Ryan? Is something wrong?” Before I could answer her she looked down the hallway too and said, “Oh my gosh! You don’t have a girl here, do you?”

  I almost wish. That would be easy. “No, no girl. Alex is still asleep…I think. He had a late night with practice last night. I was just hoping we didn’t wake him up.”

  “Oh goody! Alex is here. I’d love to say hi.” She stood up and my heart accelerated. What the hell is she doing? “Which one is his room?”

  “You shouldn’t wake him up, Aubrey…”

  “Oh, he won’t mind! I popped in on him in his room all the time when Daddy and I stayed with you guys that Christmas. He and I hit it off. Go ahead and grab a coffee for him too. I’ll get him up.”

  “I’ll get him, Aubrey!” She looked startled at the way I snapped at her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. He can get a little grumpy in the morning, though. I’d rather he yells at me than you.”

  She sat back down but gave me a suspicious look. It was better than him bursting in on a naked Alex in our king-sized bed with an open tube of lube at the bedside and my clothes all over the floor. I almost ran into the kitchen and poured her a cup of coffee so quickly that I splashed it over the cup and burned my hand. I cussed and bumped into the wall and burned it again on my way through the door. I took in a deep breath before handing it to her and said, “Here you go.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I’m going to grab a shirt and wake up Alex.”

  “I can’t wait to see him!” I’m sure he would not feel the same about her at seven-thirty a.m. but I didn’t say so. Instead, I said,

  “I’m sure he’ll be surprised.” I could feel her watching me as I went down the hall so when I got to our bedroom door I knocked and said, “Alex? Are you up?”

  “Why are you knocking?” was his sleepy reply. I looked over my shoulder at Aubrey and smiled. She smiled back. I don’t think she heard him, but I was still sweating. I pushed open the door and as Alex sat up, naked, in bed I said,

  “We have a visitor.”

  “A visitor?” He still had sleep in his pretty eyes. I hated springing this on him first thing.

  “Yeah, you remember Aubrey Vance?” His eyes went wide. He leaned over the bed to grab his shorts, laying where I’d stripped them off last night and I stepped in further to grab a t-shirt. I was digging through the dresser drawer when I saw Alex walk up behind me in the mirror.

  “What is she doing here?” he whispe
red as he pulled on his shirt.

  I looked toward the door and back at him. “I’ll tell you in a while. Go see her so I can take this shirt across the hall and put it on in the extra bedroom.”

  He scratched his head. He was still half asleep. “What?”

  “Just go say hi to her Alex, please.”

  He reached around me and grabbed a pair of sweats out of the drawer I had opened. As he brought them back around me he rested his hand on my stomach and rose up on his toes. I felt the soft, warm brush of his lips against my neck almost at exactly the same time I heard the gasp. I looked up into the mirror and saw Aubrey in the doorway just as she let her coffee cup go and it bounced off the floor while coffee went everywhere. Shit.

  ********

  I found Alex at the kitchen table sipping his coffee when I came back inside after walking Aubrey out to her car. I tried calming her down in the apartment and asking her not to tell Dad and Linda what she saw, but I had Alex’s accusing eyes looking at me as I did. I couldn’t figure out how he could know my father as well as he does and not understand. Like I told Aubrey when I finally got her to stop talking, telling him was probably going to be the end of our relationship and that’s what was holding me back.

  “She gone?” he asked.

  “Yeah.” I kicked the chair out from under the table and sat down.

  “Did you beg her not to tell Mom and Marty?”

  “Yeah,” That yeah was a little like, “Duh,” but why the hell can’t he get it? This isn’t something someone can just blurt out to Dad. How much worse would it be if he heard it from Aubrey…or his best friend Paul? Alex pushed his chair back so hard that it almost fell over. He stood up and went over to the sink and poured out his coffee. “Alex, please listen to me before you get all pissed off…”

  He sat his cup down in the sink and turned around slowly to face me. “I’m not pissed off, just sick of all the lies. You know they want to set you up with her, right?”

  “I do now. Did you already know?”

  “Yeah, Mom told me.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He ran a hand through his hair and said, “We haven’t exactly been having heart to heart talks lately. You’re either gone, or I’m at rehearsal or we’re fighting over something stupid. I just forgot…like you obviously forgot to tell me that you told your dad you’re not seeing anyone. You the same as invited her by telling him that.”

  “If I told him I was seeing someone he would have expected me to produce her when they got here.”

  “So…let me get this straight. After our most recent talk, I was under the impression that all you were waiting for was a face to face with your dad. But it still sounds like now that you’re not planning on telling him…at all.”

  “Alex, babe, I don’t want to keep fighting with you about this. But, you know Dad. You know he is not going to accept having a gay son easily. I am planning on telling him, but only when the timing is right.”

  “I don’t know. Alex, he’s the only parent I have. You know what that feels like. I’m not anxious to push him out of my life. I wish you would understand that.”

  “You don’t know that it will push him out of your life. You won’t know that until you tell him, so guess what Ryan? The timing is never going to be just right. I need a man that will be able to stand up and tell anyone that I’m the one he loves and the one he wants and that they’ll just have to deal with that. I want a future in the light, not the dark. I deserve that, I think. I also think that I’m not up to accepting less than that any longer. I’m tired of being patient.”

  “So this is an ultimatum?” I was shaking inside as I said it. Would he really leave me?

  He was leaning into the counter. He stood up straight and said, “It’s not an ultimatum, Ryan. It’s simply how I feel. I think that all of my insecurity lately is coming from the fact that I’m in this relationship with a man that I’m crazy about…a man that I want to stand at the top of the fucking Empire State Building with and announce that I love him…and he is ashamed to even admit the same about me to his own father. I am just telling you the truth, Ryan. I can’t do this anymore.” He gave me one last look with his sad blue eyes and left the kitchen. I sat there staring at the wall until I heard the front door open and close almost half an hour later. I finally got up then and picked up the phone. I called the number Aubrey had just given me and when she answered I said,

  “Do you still want to have dinner tonight?”

  CHAPTER NINE

  ALEX

  “Alex! You have to stop striking the floor with that oar! The gondola is moving on the track remember?” I stopped singing and looked at the director. Nodding slowly I said,

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing that.”

  “Every time you strike the floor you drop a note as well,” my voice coach said from the sidelines.

  “Sorry. I’ll do better. Can we take it from the top?” The girl playing Christine sighed heavily like the weight of the world was on her shoulders. In her defense, this was the fourth time I’d asked to take it from the top. In my defense, I was thinking about what life was going to be like without Ryan and I felt like I was falling apart.

  “Why don’t we take a break for lunch instead?” the director asked.

  “I’m okay now, really…”

  “The rest of us need a break,” he said. “Everybody take an hour. Be back here at three.” I continued to stand in the wooden gondola, leaning onto the oar I was holding as everyone left the stage. I was still standing there a few minutes later when Harry came out from backstage.

  “Hey, Alex. Is everything okay?”

  I tried to smile at him but it was probably more of a grimace. My face felt tight and tired. “Hey. Yeah, things are good.”

  He looked dubious but said, “Okay. Are you going to get some lunch?”

  “I’m not hungry, but you go ahead.”

  “Alex, you’re not okay. I’m your friend. Talk to me.”

  “I don’t know what to say anymore, Harry. I feel like I’m talked out. I guess I kind of gave Ryan an ultimatum last night. Can I ask you a question?”

  “Of course.”

  “Do you regret it? Do you regret letting your man walk out of your life because he wouldn’t acknowledge your relationship in public?”

  He sighed and sat down on the edge of the little wooden boat. “Sometimes,” he said. “Mostly late at night when I’m horny and lonely.” He smiled and then said, “Seriously, though, I know I did the right thing. I couldn’t have lived that way.”

  “So you think I did the right thing by giving Ryan an ultimatum?”

  “That’s not what I said. Alex everyone’s situation is different. You have to examine your own heart and decide which pain is going to be greater in the long run. It’s kind of like contemplating suicide. If you have a problem that seems like it will never get better and you take your own life because of it, you’ve just taken away any hope, any chance that it will ever get better.”

  “I’m afraid of making the wrong choice.”

  “Then maybe you shouldn’t make one until you’re sure.”

  “More patience, huh?”

  He shrugged and stood up. “Some of the best relationships have been built on patience,” he said.

  I smiled. “You’re nineteen years old. How do you know so much?”

  “I read a lot on those long, lonely nights.” He smiled. “I’m going to eat. Are you sure you won’t come?”

  “I’m sure, thanks. I need to call the other smartest person I know. Thank you, Harry, for all of your support.” He smiled again and I watched him walk away. He joked about missing his guy in his bed late at night, but the pain was apparent in his eyes. I took out my phone and called my mother. She was the one I really needed to talk to. I wished that I could tell her everything. She always knew what to say and what to do. I felt better simply at the sound of her voice.

  “Hi, baby.”

  “Hi, Mom.
What are you doing?”

  “I just got home from my walk. I was going to shower and then figure out what to make for dinner. What are you doing?”

  “Mom…” my voice cracked.

  “Alex? What’s wrong baby?”

  “I have a question for you.”

  “Okay. But first, are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I will be. My heart hurts a little right now.”

  “Oh baby boy. I’m sorry.”

  I smiled. I love her. “It’s okay Mom. It’s not your fault. But tell me something honestly, please. If someone tells you that they love you behind closed doors, they should be able and willing to do that anywhere…if they mean it, right?”

  “Are you in love?”

  “Mom, stay on track here, okay?”

  “Fine, but I think I was on track. Listen, baby, when you love someone…truly love them, you shouldn’t be afraid to tell anyone about it. But, with that being said, if we’re talking about someone that’s not “out” yet, there’s just a lot more to it than announcing who you’re in love with for the whole world to hear. Is that what it is, son? Are you in love with someone that’s still in the closet?”

  Her next questions would be who it was and where I met him and how long I’ve been with him. I was so tempted to just tell her the truth again, but Ryan might never speak to me again if I do. “I’m not really ready to talk about it yet. I just needed some advice from the smartest person I know.”

  She laughed. “You’re the sweetest, and don’t worry, I’m not going to pressure you. I hope you’ll talk to me when you’re ready. But just remember one thing for me. Everyone has their own decisions to make and demons to fight. But while they’re doing that doesn’t mean you have to sit back and accept less than you deserve forever. Patience is one thing. Living your whole life according to someone else’s standards is entirely another. The bottom line is that you do what your heart tells you. I trust that you’ll make the right decision.”