Step Two

by Cole Bates

  “Thanks, Mom. I love you.”

  “I love you too. I can’t wait to see you!”

  I hung up with a knot in my stomach. She said exactly what I knew she would. I’ve been patient. I’ve done everything Ryan has asked me to. But every lie we tell and every time we pretend to be something less than what we are it makes me feel like we’re becoming less of a couple instead of a stronger one. Leaving Ryan would be like cutting off one of my own limbs and my heart was telling me not to do it, it will hurt too much. But my brain is saying exactly the opposite thing. They’re at war with each other and my body is filled with chaos. I suffered for refusing to hide who I was back when I was a kid, but I also feel like I’m a better man for it in the long run and I think admitting who he really is would do the same for Ryan. I’ve exhausted every attempt I’ve made at trying to convince him of that, however. From here on out it had to be up to him and I would be left to decide whether I could live with his decision or not.

  ********

  “I’m going to be out of town for a couple of days,” Ryan and I hadn’t spoke at all in a day and a half. When I got home from practice last night he was still gone and when I woke up this morning he’d left already. We were sitting at the table in the kitchen now, both pretending to eat the Chinese take-out that he’d picked up on his way home tonight. Neither of us seemed to have much of an appetite.

  “Okay, for baseball?”

  He nodded slowly. “It’s a camp that coach wants me to go to. We have a Bye this week so he’s sending me to that.”

  “Okay. When do you leave?”

  “Tomorrow morning.”

  I tried not to look shocked. “That’s really short notice. Where is this camp at?”

  “Upstate,” he said, vaguely.

  “Are you going alone?”

  He sighed. “Tom’s not going if that’s what you’re asking. If you don’t believe me, you can stop by practice tomorrow. He’ll be there.”

  “I wasn’t asking. But for the record, I believe you, Ryan. I’m sorry if it sounded like I didn’t.”

  He shook his head. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little stressed out about this camp. I really don’t want to go, but I have to. It’s actually really important.”

  “Well, it’s only for a couple of days. I’ll get things ready here for the parent’s visit before you get back.” I’d actually already started working on it.

  “Get things ready how?”

  “You know Mom will want a tour. Harry has a blow-up mattress he said we could borrow. I’ll put it in the extra room and hang up some decorations and tell her it’s my room…” I stopped because his eyes were filling with tears. In all of the years, I’ve known Ryan I’ve never seen him cry. I was the emotional one. He kept his emotions in a box deep in his big chest somewhere.

  He swallowed hard and said, “I thought you were going to be done with me if I didn’t tell them when they came to visit. Why are you changing up the apartment?”

  “I can’t do it,” I said in almost a whisper.

  Ryan didn’t say anything. He just stood up and reached for me. I took his hand and he led me into the living room. He sat down on the couch and pulled me down next to him. He put his arm around me and I cuddled into his side. I felt his lips brush against my hair a few times and I could feel the beat of his heart against the side of my face. I’d given it a lot of thought and as much as it would hurt to hide the way we felt about each other from the people we love forever, I’d rather feel that pain than live with the hole left by the loss of his presence in my life. I closed my eyes and turned off the thoughts in my head and for the first time in too long, I just let myself feel.

  CHAPTER TEN

  RYAN

  I saw Linda as soon as I pushed through the doors past TSA. She was smiling and when I got close she opened her arms and I put down my carry on and folded into them. She’s a tiny lady but she packs a hell of a hug. I barely remember my own mother but I like to think she would have been a lot like Linda and she and I might have had the kind of relationship Linda has with Alex. She kissed the side of my face before she let me go and then held me back with her arms and looked at me. “It’s really good to see you, but you know I’m worried.”

  I nodded. “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. I just needed to make sure Dad was going to be around today and you would be there to pick up the pieces after I talk to him.”

  “It’s talk like that I’m worried about,” she said as she let go of my shoulders. I picked up my bag and we started walking toward the exit. “Alex is okay?”

  I smiled and I saw an almost imperceptible change in Linda’s face. I wondered if she could see in my eyes how much I loved her son. “He’s good. He’s working so hard getting ready for this performance and from what I hear when he’s singing in the shower, he’s amazing.” I winked at her and her face brightened.

  “I don’t know where he got all that talent from. As far as I know his father couldn’t sing and I can’t carry a tune to save my life.” I pushed open the outer door and Linda pushed the fob in her hand to unlock the SUV. I went over and put my bag in the back and climbed in the passenger seat. She got in her side and I said,

  “Can I ask you a question, about you and Alex?”

  Once we were moving she said, “Sure honey.”

  “When he told you that he was gay, were you disappointed? I mean…did you worry about what people were going to think or how you were going to have grandkids or what kind of life he was going to have?”

  She merged onto the freeway and then she said, “Well, first off I already knew before he told me, or at least I suspected it. Alex and I spent a lot of time together while he was growing up. He was shy and he didn’t have a lot of friends. He liked his books and he loved watching old movies and going to plays. None of that really jived with the pre-teen set so it was him and me against the world. When he told me I wasn’t disappointed at all. I was relieved to know that he wasn’t ashamed of who he was or how he felt and that he trusted me enough to tell me. As far as worrying, of course, I worried. It’s what I do best,” she said with a smile. “I worried about how people would accept him, not because of how it might affect me, but because of how it was going to affect him. He didn’t always tell me what was going on when he got harassed or bullied…as you well know.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  She laughed softly. “You’ve more than made up for the mistakes you made, Ryan. So…anyways, about grandchildren. There are many ways to have children these days. There are surrogacy and adoption…I would love to have a grandchild or two or three. But that’s going to have to be Alex and his life partner’s decision the same as it would be if he was with a woman. And as far as worrying about what kind of life he might have because he’s gay. I have never had any doubt that Alex was born to take the world by storm and set everything in his path on fire. He was made to do great things and I don’t believe his sexuality will get in the way of that. Now Ryan, can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure.”

  “Do you love him?”

  I was suddenly choked up as I said, “More than anything in the world.”

  Linda smiled and said, “Look your father in the eye and tell him that. Don’t take what he says today to heart because he’ll be shocked and it’s going to take him some time to come around.”

  “How did you know? Did Alex tell you, about me?”

  “No, Alex has gone out of his way not to say a word. I knew before the two of you ever left for college. The look in your eyes when you look at him and he doesn’t even know you’re looking, it’s pure love. And my son is like an open book to me. He rarely tries to hide things from me but anytime he does, it’s pointless. I can see how he feels about you on his face and I can hear it in his voice. I’ve been rooting for you both from afar and it’s been really hard not to say anything to Marty, especially when he starts talking about setting you up with Aubrey and things like that. I have to pretend to go alo
ng with it all because it’s not my place to tell him. I knew that you would in your own good time.” Linda pulled the SUV into the driveway and she turned to me and said, “Be brave. He loves you and nothing you tell him will change that. He doesn’t always know how to say things or show his emotions, but he would die for you Ryan and if that’s the case, he’ll forgive you for not liking girls.”

  I leaned over and hugged her tightly before we got out of the car. “Alex is so lucky you’re his mom.”

  “And you’re not?”

  I smiled. “I’m even luckier than him because you chose to be mine. Thank you, Linda.”

  ********

  “Did you get kicked out of school?” That was how my dad greeted me when I walked into the garage that he had converted into a woodworking shop. He was still working at his job as a salesman, but he was thinking about retiring soon and spending his time restoring old furniture. It relaxed him and he was good at it.

  “No dad, I didn’t get kicked out of school. Hello to you too by the way.”

  “Sorry.” He shook my hand. Just once I’d like a hug. I’d like him to come out of his comfort zone and show me how much he loves me if in fact he really does. “How are you son?”

  I let go of his hand and leaned back into the work table behind me. “I’m good. But there is something serious I need to talk to you about and I’m afraid you’re not going to like it.”

  He raised an eyebrow and said, “Did you get some girl pregnant?”

  “What? No!”

  “Phew, okay what then? Did you get kicked off the team?”

  “Dad please stop guessing and let me talk, okay?”

  “Fine but get to it,” he said. “The fact that you flew here to talk to me in the middle of the week screams serious.”

  “It is serious. It’s about my life. I’m just going to say it because I’ve spent way too much time thinking about when and how I would tell you. I’m gay Dad.”

  He was holding a drill in his hand. He dropped it to the floor and never took his eyes off of my face even as it crashed into the concrete. “Gay? Like…homosexual? Like…Alex?” I nodded. He shook his head. “No. That’s not possible.”

  “Yeah Dad, it is. I’ve been hiding it from you for a long time…”

  “No Ryan! No! You’re just confused. You’re just spending too much time with Alex…”

  “Dad I’m not confused and I’m in love with Alex.”

  “What the fuck? What the hell is that college doing to you? Is it that liberal arts bullshit? Are they shoving this gender identity thing down your throat?”

  I ran my hand through my hair. I could feel sweat forming across my brow. I felt sick to my stomach. But, I kept going. I couldn’t stop now. “It’s not college Dad and it’s not Alex. I was gay long before either of them came into my life. I just couldn’t tell you.”

  He turned away from me and put his face in his hands. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or say so I just stood there. A full five minutes must have passed before he said, “Is there anything else?”

  “No.”

  “Okay then, you should take off, I have work to do.”

  “Dad…please…”

  “Go Ryan. I just can’t look at you right now. Please…just go.”

  My eyes filled with tears and I was mentally begging them not to spill over. I couldn’t cry in front of him, it would be the ultimate humiliation. I walked over to the door and then I turned back to look at him. He was still not looking at me. “I love you, Dad.” I saw his shoulders stiffened but he didn’t say it back. He didn’t say anything. He let me walk out the door just as I always knew he would. Somehow though it didn’t hurt as much as I had imagined it would. Maybe knowing I had Alex and Linda would be enough.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  ALEX

  I was walking into the theater when my phone rang. I looked at it and saw a number that I didn’t recognize and debated whether to answer it or send it to voicemail. I ended up answering it…and immediately regretted it.

  “Alex this is Aubrey Vance!”

  “Aubrey? Um…hi. How did you get my number?”

  “I got it from your mom. We need to talk.”

  “My mom gave you my number? Why?”

  “Because I told her that we need to talk. I really need to talk to you Alex. It’s about you and Ryan and me and our parents and everything.”

  “Aubrey you’re not going to tell anyone about Ryan and me, right? Ryan said that you told him you wouldn’t. He hasn’t talked to his dad yet…”

  “I didn’t say anything…yet. But, I need to talk to you. We have reservations at the Rainbow Room at eight. Don’t be late.”

  I was sputtering. This girl is crazy. “The Rainbow Room? You couldn’t have found a little less pricey…dressy spot?”

  “I already had the reservations. I didn’t want to waste them. You’re gay. I’m sure you have something nice to wear. Be there Alex. Do this for Ryan.” She disconnected the call and I stood there in the doorway as the rest of the cast and crew went around me and pushed past me and stared at the phone in my hand in disbelief. Damn it! I looked at the time. I had to be dressed and on stage in fifteen minutes. I stepped back outside and called my mother. She answered on the first ring.

  “Hi, honey…”

  “I’m sorry Mom, no time. Why did you give Aubrey Vance my phone number? What did she say to you?”

  “She just said she needed to talk to you and it was important. I didn’t think you would mind. Are you upset with me?”

  “No. I’m just confused. I don’t know what Aubrey would want to talk to me about.”

  “She didn’t tell you?”

  “No. She wants me to meet her later. She said it was important. Are you sure she didn’t tell you what this was about?”

  “No honey, she didn’t say a word to me but I guess you’ll find out later when you talk to her.” Mom’s voice was high-pitched there at the end. Like me, she’s a terrible liar.

  “Mom…if she said something to you about Ryan…”

  “Oh honey, there’s the oven timer! I have a cake in for Marty. I have to run. I love you.” My mother hung up on me. Once again I was left staring at the phone in my hand. At the risk of sounding like Ryan…what the fuck? I called Ryan next. It didn’t even ring, it went straight to voicemail.

  “Ryan, I just got a weird call from Aubrey. She wants me to meet her tonight. She’s acting really weird and when I called Mom to see why she gave Aubrey my number, she was acting weird too. Call me when you have time, please. I’m worried. I love you and I miss you.” I ended the call and again stared at the phone. I thought about calling Aubrey back and just insisting she tells me what was going on but my voice coach walked by just then.

  “Alex! You’re on in two. Why aren’t you inside?”

  Shit. “Sorry, I’m on my way.” I put the phone in my pocket and hurried inside. I quickly threw on the black robe and mask for the number we were practicing and said a little prayer that I wouldn’t forget my lines or the words to the song. The most important production of my life opened in five days and the rest of my life wanted to pick now to come apart at the seams.

  *********

  I’d never been to The Rainbow Room. As long as I lived in New York I’d actually only been to Manhattan twice. Mom took me once when I was a kid to ice skate in Rockefeller Center and watch them light the Christmas tree. That was one of our favorite vacations. The next day before we went home she let me ride the elevator up to the top of the Empire State Building and it felt like being on top of the world. It was one of my favorite memories. The other time I was in Manhattan was when my freshman choir group got invited to sing Christmas Carols around the big tree a few years after that vacation. One of my friends and I ditched our escort later that night and took the last elevator up the Empire State Building at 1:15 in the morning. We got caught and I got grounded, but it was worth it. Hopefully, the sight of it all lit up tonight will at least buffer the inconvenience o
f having to spend time with Aubrey.

  I got home from dress rehearsal just after six and jumped into the shower. Ryan never called me back but I was trying not to focus on that. I guess Mom was right about one thing, the only way I was going to find out what Aubrey wanted was to go and talk to her. When I got out of the shower I wrapped up in a towel and scoffed at Aubrey’s suggestion that since I was gay I should have a closet full of nice clothes. I opened my “gay” closet and surveyed one side filled mostly with jeans and the other a mishmash of casual shirts, sweatshirts, and jackets. I’ve never been much of a clothes horse. I’d always preferred spending my money on books and entertainment like movies and plays. I shuffled through the jeans until I found a pair of black Dockers. They would have to do. I put them on with a white button down shirt, quickly dried my hair and ran a razor over my face. Ever since the day Ryan called me a “hairy, smelly man,” I hadn’t missed a day with my razor.

  It was seven when I left the house. I walked the two blocks to the subway but realized the train wouldn’t get me to Manhattan until almost nine. I cussed under my breath and went back up top and hailed a cab that would cost me my lunch money for the next two weeks and that wasn’t counting the two hundred or more dollars dinner would cost me. I’d have to put that on my credit card and use the bulk of my grant disbursement next month to pay it off. Aubrey damned well better have something to say worth listening to or I might just push her off the building.

  The cab driver in typical New York fashion nearly killed me twice and drove along the sidewalk at least once that I noticed. I paid him the exorbitant fee, gave him a paltry five dollar tip and hurried through the lobby of the Comcast building at seven fifty-five. I took the elevator up to the 65th floor and as soon as it opened I heard Aubrey’s voice. “There you are! He’s here! He’s here! Don’t give away my reservation!” I felt my face go hot as I stepped off the elevator. Everyone was looking at us. She grabbed my arm and pulled me to the restaurant still announcing that I was here. This girl is crazy.