7 Years Bad Sex

by Nicky Wells

  ‘It is?’ Alex was aghast. ‘You can see my attitude to—to sex on my face?’

  ‘And in your body language, the way you’ve crossed your legs and your arms. You’re defending yourself.’

  ‘I hate being analysed,’ Alex spat, and Casey shivered. He did indeed hate being analysed, and James had committed a big mistake. Or had he?

  ‘It’s an occupational hazard,’ James apologised quickly. ‘I can’t turn it off. But I wouldn’t want to analyse you formally, not unless you both consent. That would be unethical. As a friend, I’d like to think about whether I can offer more suggestions. That’s all. No analysis. No funny talk. Only ideas.’

  Casey held her breath. Alex frowned and closed his eyes. He breathed in and out. Casey thought she would burst with nerves, but suddenly, Alex’s face cleared.

  ‘Just ideas?’ he repeated.

  ‘Just ideas,’ James confirmed. ‘Nothing more, nothing less, unless you say so.’

  Alex nodded slowly. ‘Okay. We could do with some ideas, because we’re all out of ideas of our own. But only ideas.’

  ‘Only ideas,’ James repeated once more. Casey admired his saintly patience. Maybe that was an occupational hazard too.

  ‘All right. When?’ Now that he had made the decision, Alex was all business. Casey started breathing again, hardly able to believe that they were going to take this step.

  ‘Next week? Thursday afternoon, perhaps? You can come to my practice on Harley Street, or we can meet here. Or at your house. Wherever you’re comfortable.’

  ‘Here,’ Casey cut in before Alex could reply. She instinctively knew that the formal surroundings of a ‘therapy place’ would put Alex off again, and he certainly wouldn’t want to do it at home.

  ‘Here’s fine,’ James agreed amiably. ‘Whatever makes you happy. Shall we say three o’clock, between the lunchtime and evening crowds?’

  ‘That’d be fine,’ Alex agreed. Casey took his hand under the table and held it tight.

  ‘Thanks,’ she said simply. ‘We’re getting in the spirit of squeezing the moment.’

  ‘Seizing,’ Rodge suggested mildly.

  ‘Well, yes. Seizing,’ Alex replied. ‘But we like squeezing better.’

  James beamed. ’Me too. Let’s squeeze our moment for what it’s worth next week. But for now, how about some more food? And I hear the karaoke is starting up later—how about it? Are you game?’

  ‘I can’t sing,’ Casey lied. She loathed being caught out at karaoke. People always thought she was a show-off.

  ‘That’s true,’ Alex confirmed blithely. ‘She can’t hold a tune to save her life.’

  ‘Even better.’ Rodge rubbed his hands in glee. ‘A karaoke virgin. We’ll get rid of your inhibitions.’

  Casey and Alex exchanged a glance. Casey nodded slightly as if to say, ‘go on, why not.’

  ‘Sure. Why not,’ Alex agreed on her behalf. ‘But I guarantee you won’t know what hit you.’

  ~Alex~

  ‘We can still rearrange this and go to the White Lion.’ Casey’s voice broke into his thoughts as they stood outside the imposing building that housed James’s Harley Street practice. James’s shingle—if you could call a highly-polished and engraved brass plaque a ‘shingle’—simply stated his name: James Eckroyd.

  ‘No, it’s fine,’ Alex croaked, although he was, in fact, having second thoughts. At the end of their rather spectacular karaoke evening with James and Rodge, he had changed his mind about where he wanted to meet with James for their non-consultation. The pub had no longer seemed appropriate. After all, you never knew who was listening in to your conversation. So he had suggested that they visit James’s practice instead.

  Now that the moment of truth was upon him, he was having doubts. Would there be bondage toys lying about in the waiting room? Would there be soft porn playing on the TV? Or would there be large potted plants for couples to hide behind? He cringed. Would it be really sleazy?

  Casey seemed to sense his hesitation. ‘It’ll be fine,’ she offered. ‘Come on, let’s not keep James waiting.’

  She took his hand and led him inside. The reversal of roles compared to last week wasn’t lost on Alex. How was it possible that his wife had been so reluctant to see a harmless counsellor but was apparently so unfazed about seeing a—Alex gulped—sex therapist?

  And all right, it had helped that he had already bonded with James on a personal level in the pub.

  Bonded, indeed. Ha! Alex grinned to himself. Language got in the way if you had sex on the brain all of the time. But yes, they had bonded, in a manner of speaking. James might be gay, but he certainly had his head screwed on the right way—screwed!—and the fact that he already knew the broad strokes—ack!—of their story would eliminate the need to recount it all again. Or so Alex hoped.

  Nonetheless, this was a big step for him. He got that odd out-of-body feeling again that he had experienced in Brighton right after he had promised Casey that they would seek help. And this was it—this was seriously the point of no return. He swallowed and braced himself.

  Casey pressed the buzzer and announced their presence through the intercom. James’s voice greeted them immediately, and the door lock was released. Time to go in.

  James’s practice was entirely different to what Alex had expected, and it was worlds apart from Bethany’s place. In fact, it was so unlike a doctor’s office that Alex instantly relaxed—which, he guessed, was probably the point.

  They didn’t enter into a waiting area with a reception desk as he had expected. Instead, James greeted them by the door and ushered them into a very large and airy room that resembled a warehouse conversion: all polished floorboards, white walls with large framed art prints, and a wall entirely comprised of floor-to-ceiling windows. One side of the room housed a kitchen area where a shiny Gaggia was producing the most enticing scent of freshly perked coffee. Rock music was playing on the sound system—not too loud, but not subtly either. And even though it was only September, a small fire was going in the log burner on the far side of the room.

  ‘Wow, James!’ Casey burst out next to him. ‘I thought this was your practice. Do you live here?’

  James laughed. ‘During the day, yes, more or less. I don’t go in for sterile environments, and I don’t like my couples to feel like patients. You’re my guests and my friends. Would you like coffee or tea? Something to eat, maybe?’

  ‘Coffee would be great,’ Casey replied instantly. Alex couldn’t quite raise a response yet. He was struggling to adjust to this new, unexpected reality and what it would mean to their ‘therapy’. To his immense relief, James didn’t push him but chatted on with Casey instead.

  ‘It’s a fabulous place,’ Casey was saying. ‘But what do you do if another couple turns up when you’re still mid-session?’

  James smiled easily. ‘They don’t. I never overlap appointments. There’s always at least a half hour gap, so there’s plenty of time.’

  ‘You don’t have a receptionist?’

  ‘Not as such, no. But I do have an assistant who does my paperwork and my accounts. She’s in the proper office one floor up, but she doesn’t interact with my guests.’

  ‘Ah. Right.’ Casey smiled and sipped at her coffee.

  Man, it smelled good. Alex realised that he would quite like one after all. He cleared his throat.

  ‘James, hi,’ he said with some effort. ‘Excuse my bad manners. You—well, you know that I’m finding this a bit difficult. But I’d love some coffee too. Sugar, no black.’

  ‘Sugar, no black,’ James repeated deadpan and busied himself at the coffee maker. He spoke over his shoulder as he worked. ‘I know you’re worried about coming along, which means it’s a great achievement that you’re here. Even if we do nothing else. I’d like you to be at ease and relaxed.’ He turned around and handed Alex a cup. ‘Black, no sugar.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘So how do you know we like rock music?’ Casey enquired. She had walked up to the win
dow wall and was looking out into the back yard.

  ‘As I said,’ James replied softly. ‘I like to make my guests feel comfortable. That involves knowing who they are and what they like.’

  ‘Ah.’ Casey blushed.

  ‘Oh dear,’ Alex exclaimed. ‘And here we are needing to keep this quiet.’

  James kept a steady face. ‘Of course your visit here is completely confidential. You can trust me.’

  ‘Of course. I’m sorry. It’s—it’s an occupational hazard.’ Alex tried for levity to lighten the situation. James grinned and motioned for Alex to sit.

  ‘Occupational hazard, yes. I know all about those, but you know that already.’

  Alex sat, and James selected a seat diagonally opposite. Close, but not too close. Within line of sight, but not confrontational. Clever. Very clever, Alex thought.

  ‘How did you know?’ Casey joined them and sat next to Alex. She kicked off her shoes and curled her feet under her as if she was at home.

  Alex saw that James noted the gesture but said nothing. Instead, he replied to Casey’s question.

  ‘About Blue Heart?’ He shrugged. ‘I had my suspicions after your botched attempt at giving a bad performance at the karaoke last week. Plus, of course, there was that media storm about a young rock couple caught in flagrante not too long ago…’

  Casey winced. ‘That wasn’t what it looked like.’

  James winked. ‘I wondered about that. More’s the pity! Anyway… So all of this rang a bell, and my assistant connected the dots when she created your record.’

  ‘A record?’ Alex broke in. ‘I thought we were—it was meant to be a chat. To talk about ideas. Plus…’ He coughed. ‘We haven’t—if—there’s no arrangement for…’

  James raised his hands in a placating gesture. ‘Relax, Alex. You are here for a chat. As friends. I’m not charging you. But I still need to keep a record of who you are and what we achieve here. It’s a professional and ethical requirement.’

  Alex was on the defensive once more. He couldn’t understand this man’s motivation. ‘But you’re a professional, you say. So this is your livelihood. Why are you wasting your time on us without charging?’

  ‘Alex!’ Casey hissed from next to him. She sounded annoyed and a little embarrassed, but he didn’t care.

  ‘It’s all right,’ James soothed. ‘It’s a fair question.’ He pointed to a small cluster of framed certificates on the kitchen wall. Alex had assumed they were fire evacuation instructions, but he now realised they were academic and professional qualifications.

  ‘I am an accredited counsellor and sex therapist,’ James explained. ‘But I also lecture at a medical college. Cognitive therapy and neuro-linguistic programming. The impact of perception and self-perception on emotions and physical capabilities.’ He paused for a moment.

  ‘Every now and then, I come across a really fascinating case that helps with my research in these fields. Yours is one of them.’ He pursed his lips and blew out a breath before continuing. ‘Whether or not you believe you’re cursed, something is inhibiting you, and that’s intriguing me.’

  ‘I—’ Alex didn’t know how to respond. He had expected a lot of things, but becoming a scientific guinea pig wasn’t one of them. He didn’t particularly relish the thought.

  ‘What would we have to do?’ Casey piped up.

  ‘Nothing. Well, apart from turning up for coffee every now and then and talking to me. I’ll do the rest. I may never use these insights, but I’d really like to help you if I can.’

  James looked directly at Alex while he spoke. He sounded sincere, but Alex found it all a lot to take in. For a moment, they sat in silence.

  ‘So you’re wanting to use us in one of your papers?’ Alex eventually suggested.

  ‘Not necessarily.’ James stood and began pacing the room slowly. ‘I want to figure out what’s inhibiting you. If I can help you, then I can help everybody.’ He gave a self-deprecating snort. ‘Or, at least, almost everybody.’

  He paced some more. ‘Look, if this is all too much, please feel free to leave and come back another day.’

  ‘No,’ Alex said quickly. He knew that if he left, he would never come back. Plus, the man had a point. From one professional to another—never mind their completely different jobs—Alex understood what James was saying. It was like finding the magic arrangement of chords that would make a perfect song.

  ‘No,’ he repeated. ‘Let’s do this.’

  Casey gripped his hand tightly. He looked at her and smiled. ‘Where do we start?’

  James sat down again. He smoothed out his trousers and let his body settle into the squashy sofa.

  ‘We start wherever you want,’ he finally said. ‘Whether that’s a retelling of your story, or a list of things you’ve tried, or—whatever. I’ll listen. Take your time. Don’t rush. I have a free afternoon.’

  So once more Alex found himself launching into the story of their affliction. He was becoming more practiced at relating the sequence of events that had brought him and Casey to the present day. However, with this latest retelling, he was beginning to feel that this wasn’t really their story anymore. It sounded smooth and practiced, like he was reading out from a book. Still, he ploughed on.

  After a while, Casey started throwing in comments and clarification and her side of the story, which was really quite fascinating. He hadn’t known about her resolve to seduce him at all costs the night he had taken the ‘Rise and Shine’, and he wondered now how badly she must have been affected by the whole episode.

  On and on they talked, barely noticing James’s presence in the room. It was almost cathartic, putting it all in order with Casey’s perspective as well. It seemed to make a twisted sense.

  ‘And that’s it,’ he finally concluded when he could think of nothing more to add.

  James weighed his head slowly from side to side. ‘That’s quite some story,’ he finally pronounced. ‘And I don’t mean to be judgemental. You guys—you’ve really worked so hard at overcoming your barriers. You may not realise it, but you really are an exceptionally strong couple. Which is what worries me.’

  ‘It worries you that we’re a strong couple?’ Casey pounced on James’s unexpected verdict. ‘Surely that’s a good thing? Why would it worry you?’

  James exhaled deeply. ‘This curse—’

  ‘Oh please, don’t start on that,’ Casey cut him off before Alex had a chance to do the same. ‘We don’t believe in curses.’

  ‘I know you don’t,’ James tried to placate her. ‘You’ve made that abundantly clear. But the brain—the mind—is a powerful and complex organ. It can do extraordinary things to the body, and that’s what we need to look at here. There’s obviously no physical cause for your problems.’

  ‘What are you suggesting?’ Casey prompted ‘Please don’t say counter-curses or anything like that.’

  ‘No.’ James shook his head emphatically. ‘No, I don’t think that is the way forward for you. I was thinking of hypnosis.’

  ‘Hypnosis?’ The surprise in Casey’s voice perfectly expressed Alex’s own feelings. ‘How—why would that help? Isn’t that more mumbo jumbo?’

  ‘Not at all,’ James replied calmly. ‘Hypnosis is an accepted form of therapy for all manner of ailments. People use it to lose weight or to stop smoking. In some instances, whole operations have been performed with the patient in hypnosis rather than under anaesthetics. It’s a powerful therapeutic tool.’

  ‘But how would it help us?’

  ‘Hypnosis could potentially help in one of two ways.’ James raised an index finger. ‘One, it might help us find out why your brain is blocking your love making. And two,’ he raised a second finger. ‘It could enable me to reprogram your brain, to embed a little cue that would let you two carry on, if you will, at the crucial moment.’

  ‘Wow.’ Alex tried to assimilate this new concept.

  ‘Double wow,’ Casey echoed his thoughts. ‘And you think this will work?’

&n
bsp; ‘I won’t make any promises,’ James replied honestly. ‘Hypnosis doesn’t work for everybody. It depends entirely on how receptive the subject is to suggestion.’

  Alex burst out laughing. He didn’t mean to, but he couldn’t help it. ‘James, you’re looking at two people here who are as stubborn as mules each in their own little way. I wouldn’t exactly describe us as being susceptible to suggestion.’

  ‘Oi,’ Casey elbowed him. ‘Speak for yourself. I’m a very reasonable person, and I’m only stubborn when I want to be.’

  ‘See what I mean?’ Alex grinned.

  James smiled and nodded. ‘Once more, I’m astounded by the personal dynamics between the two of you. You have such a strong bond—you’re almost perfectly in tune with each other. With that, I’d have to hypnotise you both,’ James continued. ‘Together. At the same time.’

  ‘Ah.’ Casey sounded unsure.

  ‘Right.’ Alex wasn’t so sure either.

  ‘We can do it now,’ James offered. ‘No time like the present, and I wouldn’t want you to go away and fret. You could put up mental walls that would prevent me from touching your mind.’

  Alex swallowed. He wasn’t at all certain whether he wanted his mind to be touched. He looked at Casey and searched her face for clues as to how she felt. They stared at each other, and he took her hand. She was trembling. He guessed she was scared.

  Nonetheless, she spoke first. ‘We might as well,’ she whispered. ‘It’s something to try, right?’

  Her eyes were deep pools of green, and they shone like emeralds. Alex had seen that look a few times before—usually when they had made monumental decisions. Like getting married, for example. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for Casey when she had that light in her eyes.

  ‘All right,’ he agreed. ‘Let’s give it a try.’

  ‘All right,’ James repeated. He rose and pulled up an upholstered footstool, which he positioned right in front of Casey and Alex. Sitting down again, James now faced them directly. He planted his feet squarely apart and rested his elbows on his knees so that he leaned forward. He looked at ease and attentive, like Casey and Alex were the most important people in the universe and he couldn’t wait to hear what they might say next.