7 Years Bad Sex

by Nicky Wells

  ‘I need you both to settle back and relax,’ James said. His voice had dropped and assumed a deep, steady quality. It commanded trust and attention.

  Alex did as instructed. He shuffled his bottom and splayed his legs slightly and then rested his head against the back of the sofa. He noted with surprise that he felt incredibly comfortable. Casey assumed a similar stance next to him, but she didn’t let go of his hand.

  ‘Good. That’s great,’ James praised them. ‘You’re feeling safe and calm. Your body is heavy with relaxation. It’s a nice feeling, almost like you’re weightless.’

  James’s voice was exceptionally soothing and all other background noise seemed to have faded away. Had James turned off the music? Alex wondered idly.

  ‘And you’re breathing.’ James was whispering now, and Alex had to strain to hear. ‘You’re breathing in—and out.’

  That was nice. It was easy, too. Alex breathed in and out, following the exact rhythm that James was setting.

  ‘And in—and out.’

  In. And out.

  ‘And you close your eyes.’

  Alex closed his eyes. He was really glad to close his eyes as he was finding it more and more difficult to keep them open. He was so relaxed that he seemed to be floating.

  Breathing in—and out. Eyes closed. It was dark behind those closed eyes. Well, dark-ish. There was a pleasant warm red light behind his eyelids. It seemed to be swirling, but he didn’t feel dizzy. Amazing, how he had never noticed that before when he was drifting off to sleep.

  ‘And in—and out.’

  The voice was coming from a long, long way away now. It was extraordinarily soothing. It was a nice voice, deep and mellifluous, and Alex trusted it, although he couldn’t quite remember whose voice it was. A friend’s voice for sure. Anyway, it didn’t matter. He was safe with the voice.

  Gradually, his mind cleared of thoughts. Alex had never experienced such a state of—of Zen before, if that was what it was; but it was pleasant and very calm. There was nothing in his mind beyond a sense of well-being and an awareness of the voice that anchored him. All his worries and obligations, his plans, his things to do, his songs—they had all drifted away. This was more than pleasant. This was bliss. Simply breathing and resting in the warm, red half-light behind his eyes.

  ‘And in—and out.’

  ~Casey~

  ‘Honey, are you awake?’

  ‘What’s the time?’ Casey couldn’t quite open her eyes. Correction: She didn’t quite want to open her eyes. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so blissfully rested and calm.

  ‘It’s ten o’clock.’

  ‘Is it really?’ Casey rubbed her forehead. ‘Only ten o’clock? What’re you doing, waking me up in the middle of the night? Let me go back to sleep. I haven’t slept this well since forever.’

  ‘It’s ten o’clock in the morning. We’ve slept for eighteen hours.’

  ‘In the morning?’ Now Casey was awake. ‘What do you mean, in the morning? We’ve only just gone to bed.’

  Alex leaned across and planted a kiss on her nose. ‘I know that’s what it feels like, but it really is morning.’

  ‘Oh man!’ Casey sighed. ‘If that’s what hypnosis does to us, can we have a session every week? I feel fabulous!’

  ‘Me too.’ Alex grinned. ‘I think this is possibly what James meant when he told us to go and sleep it all off.’

  Casey yawned. ‘I thought he told us to go bonk ourselves silly.’

  ‘Me too. But maybe not.’ Alex stretched and groaned with pleasure. ‘I feel like I have a whole new body.’

  ‘Mmmh.’ Casey snuggled into him. He felt warm and… and very present, it appeared. ‘Feels like a nice body to me, whether old or new.’

  Alex put his arms around her, and Casey mumbled into his chest. ‘It’s a pity that James didn’t tell us what’s wrong with us. Do you think he knows? Or was he making it all up?’

  ‘No idea,’ Alex replied. ‘But he said he had left us with cues that would… help.’

  ‘He did, didn’t he?’ Casey grinned, her face still buried in Alex’s chest. As a matter of fact, her face was quite conveniently positioned for instigating some excitement. Gently, she flicked her tongue against Alex’s nipple and was rewarded with a loud groan.

  ‘Shall we try?’ he whispered, his voice almost hoarse with lust.

  ‘Do you need to ask?’ Casey whispered back. She rolled on top of Alex, relishing the feel of him against her, and kissed him deeply. Her heart was racing, and her mind was a blur of arousal. Scenes of past attempts flickered by her—the first morning ‘after’ when she couldn’t face Alex at all, the night on the yacht when she mistook seasickness for throes of excitement—and none of them resonated. This was different. This was real.

  Alex placed his hands on her rear and then gradually massaged his way up her back, burying his hands in her hair and pulling her down close for more kisses. Casey thought she would melt with pleasure.

  Suddenly Alex turned her over so that he was on top, and he began stroking her with quick, determined movements. Casey heard a voice asking for ‘more, more’—and she realised it was her own, even though it was coming from far away. Her body responded to Alex’s every touch, and there was a sparkle in his eyes that she hadn’t seen since before the wedding. ‘We’ve done it,’ she thought triumphantly. ‘We’ve broken the curse.’

  She shivered in delight, and her skin was on fire. And then Alex joined her. It was an easy, confident move that erased the months of failed sex from her memory. She moaned with pleasure, and Alex kissed the sound right off her lips. He moved gently but with increasing urgency, and Casey came close, so very close. Her breathing was fast and ragged, as was his, and through his lips she could feel his pulse beating in synch with hers.

  Grroaarrrpphrrrrgguuuurgleoor.

  The sound was so loud and so unexpected that it stopped Casey short. ‘What the heck was that?’ she grunted.

  ‘What?’ Alex kissed her urgently, oblivious to her confusion.

  Grrewwwguuuurgleaphwhoar. There it was again.

  ‘That! It was your tummy.’ Casey suppressed a giggle. Another eruptive gurgle filled the silence.

  ‘That’s not my tummy, that’s yours.’

  ‘It’s not.’

  Right on cue, Alex’s stomach gurgled again. Casey bit her lip and felt a tear run down her face.

  Alex raised himself up on his elbows and cocked his head. His lips quivered. ‘I thought it was yours.’

  ‘Nope. Definitely yours. There it goes again.’

  They both listened to the acoustic fireworks.

  ‘What’s going on in there?’ Casey gasped. ‘It sounds like whale song.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Alex replied. ‘Shall we—shall we ignore it, please?’

  His plea was met with another burst of stomach static, this time definitely from Casey. She sucked in a breath of embarrassment and then burst out laughing.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she yelped. ‘I’m so sorry. I don’t know what that was.’

  ‘Have you conceived an alien?’ Alex joked, now clearly also distracted from their romantic efforts.

  ‘I hope not. That would be a miracle conception.’

  Cue another roar, this time from both of them.

  ‘Oh my gosh, this is too funny,’ Casey giggled, shaking uncontrollably. ‘What’s going on? It sounds like you’re going to erupt any minute.’

  ‘You too, darling,’ Alex replied before succumbing to an explosion of laughter. The more he laughed, the more his stomach gurgled. And the more his stomach gurgled, the more Casey laughed, causing her stomach to gurgle some more, which incited more mirth from Alex. Instead of finishing their love making, they ended up crying tears of laughter and clutching at each other helplessly.

  Eventually they laughed themselves hoarse and gradually quietened down.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Casey croaked. ‘That was really bad timing, but it was so funny!’

  ‘
I’m sorry too,’ Alex replied. ‘But once you got me listening to—to that, there was no going back.’

  ‘I know. I couldn’t have—gone on then,’ Casey hiccupped. She wiped a few stray tears of mirth from her eyes and blew Alex a kiss. ‘But hey, we came close, didn’t we? I think James’s cue worked, whatever it was.’

  Alex’s faced darkened. ‘I don’t think so,’ he mumbled. He kissed Casey on the cheek and lay by her side. ‘I think it very nearly worked, like everything else, but it didn’t help us get to the end.’

  Casey heaved a big sigh. ‘You’re right.’ Her euphoria deserted her as quickly as it had claimed her, and she felt flat and disconsolate. She tried to clutch at a positive thought. ‘But we—we were properly together. That’s progress. And it was good.’

  ‘Good?’ Alex teased her gently. ‘Is that the best you can come up with?’

  Casey rolled her eyes. ‘It was absolutely, bloody fantastic, if you must know. Ending or not. I think that’s progress.’

  ‘All right then. It is progress. Now what’s the next step, do you think?’

  ~Alex~

  ‘Homework.’

  ‘Homework?’ Alex repeated incredulously.

  ‘Yes, homework. If you want to call it that.’ James’s voice crackled slightly over the speakerphone. It had been Casey’s idea to ring him to get some suggestions for going forward. Alex felt slightly silly talking to the man whilst still in bed with Casey post-almost-coital, but Casey wasn’t to be deterred.

  ‘What kind of homework?’ she was asking while Alex’s mind had wandered.

  ‘Okay, listen up,’ James instructed. ‘We’ve got your intimacy going again up to a point. That’s encouraging. Here’s what I need you to do next. Tomorrow, I want you to spend the evening naked. Do whatever you want to do, but do it naked. Don’t touch each other. Just be naked.’

  Casey and Alex exchanged a glance. Alex pursed his lips and frowned, and Casey glared at him. On the phone, James continued.

  ‘The next day, I want you to massage each other, but without touching any sexual areas. Only backs, arms, and legs. Do you get that?’

  ‘We get that,’ Casey replied. ‘Massage. No sexual areas.’

  ‘Good,’ came James’s crackly acknowledgement. ‘The next day, massage each other all over but don’t take it further. Don’t even think about it. I want you both to come to the boil good and proper. Hold onto that feeling and cherish it.’

  ‘Massage all over, come to the boil,’ Alex reiterated. ‘Okay, we can do that. And the next day?’

  ‘The next day is up to you. And the day after that, you come and see me.’

  ‘And what do we do today?’

  ‘I suggest you get yourselves out of bed and get on with your lives,’ James teased.

  ‘How the heck do you know we’re still in bed?’ Casey blurted out. ‘Do you have a secret spy phone?’

  ‘No,’ James chuckled. ‘It’s in your voices. I can tell you’re lying down. Now get up and do something productive, and I’ll see you in a few days.’

  ~Casey~

  ‘So, how did you get on?’ Five days later, James was fixing a coffee for Alex and Casey after settling them both on the familiar sofa in his consulting room.

  Casey inhaled deeply before launching into a recount of events. She smiled at Alex and snuggled into the crook of his arm. James looked from one to the other and smiled too.

  ‘We did exactly what you said,’ Casey began. ‘The first night, after we got home from recording, we drew the curtains, got naked, and cooked dinner.’

  ‘It’s bizarre, cooking dinner in the buff,’ Alex chimed in. ‘All sorts of things can happen.’

  ‘Like what?’ James sat forward eagerly.

  ‘Oh, you know.’ Alex waggled his head. ‘Water boiling over, fat splattering on skin, that kind of stuff.’

  ‘I see. And?’

  ‘It was quite exciting, actually.’ Casey tried to keep her voice steady. ‘Especially the “not being allowed to touch” bit. It was like—like being in a sweetie shop and only being allowed to stare.’

  ‘How did it make you feel?’

  Casey saw Alex roll his eyes, and she elbowed him sharply. ‘Ignore him,’ she said to James. ‘The relationship counsellor kept asking that question, and it drove us both nuts. But it’s a legitimate question, so… Yeah. It made us feel good. Well, it made me feel good. Very excited. It felt a bit naughty.’

  ‘After we had dinner, we watched telly and relaxed,’ Alex picked up the story. ‘Although parts of me weren’t entirely relaxed, if you get my drift.’

  James nodded. ‘That was the general idea. But you didn’t—?’

  ‘No, we were a good boy and girl, as instructed,’ Casey quipped. ‘The next day, we did the massage. That was lovely!’

  ‘I bought some scented oils and a massage book,’ Alex offered. ‘I thought we might as well do it properly. And it was nice.’

  ‘Nice?’ James prompted. Casey looked at Alex. He waggled his head.

  ‘Yeah. Nice. It wasn’t fantastically exciting, but it was relaxing and comfortable. Nice.’

  ‘Okay. Good.’ James motioned for them to continue.

  ‘Now the next day was exciting,’ Alex went on. ‘We got very excited, for want of a better word.’

  ‘You explored each other thoroughly?’ James prodded.

  ‘We did,’ Casey confirmed. ‘It took a lot of effort to—to leave it at that.’

  ‘I’m glad to hear it,’ James smiled. ‘But I’m dying to know: what happened yesterday?’

  ‘Ah.’ Alex prevaricated. Casey looked at the ceiling. ‘Yesterday, yeah well.’

  ‘Don’t tell me it didn’t work?’ James sounded incredulous, possibly slightly hysterical. He’s finding this harder to accept than us, Casey thought.

  ‘No, it didn’t,’ Alex confirmed in the meantime.

  ‘Why ever not?’ James stood up, clearly agitated. He combed his hands through his hair. ‘What got between you this time?’

  Casey bit her lip, trying not to burst out laughing. When she didn’t answer immediately, James’s professional composure crumbled. ‘Casey, tell me. After that build-up, I can’t see what could possibly have distracted you short of the sky falling down.’

  ‘Not the sky, no.’ Casey giggled. ‘Although you’re getting warmer. It was quite spectacular, all in all.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Alex agreed. ‘And expensive to fix.’

  James inhaled deeply before he spoke. ‘What? What happened?’

  Casey and Alex traded a look, and Alex nodded for Casey to go ahead.

  ‘For starters, our bed,’—Casey began, trying to speak in a level voice—‘it collapsed.’

  James looked at her with uncomprehending eyes. ‘What do you mean, your bed collapsed? How does a bed collapse?’

  Casey half sighed, half laughed. ‘We were mid—you know. Alex on top, me below. We were doing great. It was really romantic, actually. We’d lit candles, and there was this monster downpour with rain lashing against the windows. The near perfect setting. And suddenly it felt as though the earth was moving.’

  ‘She did actually ask me if the earth was moving,’ Alex remembered. ‘I thought she was making a joke. Only then the earth did seem to move. Or rather, Casey seemed to be falling into it.’

  ‘The mattress gave way and took my bottom with it. I literally dropped out from under Alex.’

  ‘She folded up like a jackknife with her rear end stuck in the mattress, and she couldn’t move.’

  ‘Of course, Alex couldn’t keep going because—well, it physically wasn’t possible.’

  ‘We couldn’t figure out what had happened, and we lay there frozen.’

  ‘It was uncomfortable, to say the least, so I tried to get my bottom free…’

  ‘…and there was this big crack…’ Alex chuckled at the memory.

  ‘…followed by a series of even bigger cracks…’ Casey snorted.

  ‘…and the whole structure gave, and we e
nded up on the floor. Well, on the mattress, on the floor. On top of our very broken bed.’ Alex guffawed helplessly.

  James stared at them with incomprehension written all over his face. ‘And this is funny because?’

  Casey had to try several times before she could speak. ‘You should have seen Alex’s face.’

  ‘Or hers,’ Alex joined in.

  ‘I still don’t get why it’s funny,’ James persisted.

  ‘Ah, see, the thing is that…’ Alex had to take a moment to compose himself.

  Casey picked up the story. ‘It was still raining, and the candles were flickering, and the whole room screamed romance. Broken bed or not, we were still in the—you know—zone. And,’—she giggled helplessly but forced herself to keep speaking—‘we picked up right where we’d got distracted.’

  Alex wiped tears from his eyes. ‘We’re right in the throes of passion when Casey suddenly goes, “Alex, you’re dripping. You okay?”’

  ‘I was getting dripped on,’ Casey explained. ‘I thought Alex was in trouble again.’

  ‘But it wasn’t me. And then she goes, “Alex, there’s a crack in the ceiling.”’

  ‘And he says, “Fu—rget the crack and shut up.”’

  Alex scratched his head and grinned at James. ‘Like I’d give a damn about a crack in the ceiling right then.’

  ‘So he keeps, you know, going, and I’m lying there thinking, this doesn’t look good. This so doesn’t look good.’

  ‘And the rain was hammering against the windows…’

  ‘…and there were more and more drips until even Alex felt them…’

  ‘…and then the drips turned into a stream.’

  ‘A tidal wave!’

  ‘Next thing we know, the ceiling came down.’

  ‘Ca-rash. Just like that.’

  James gaped, aghast. He opened his mouth to speak, but Casey hadn’t finished relaying the scene.

  ‘The whole place was covered in dust and plasterboard. Alex had white hair!’