The Land of Stories: The Enchantress Returns

by Chris Colfer

  “Thanks, Red,” Alex said.

  Conner looked down at the coat suspiciously. “What is this?” he said. “Or should I ask what was this?”

  “It used to be the rug in the library,” Red said.

  Alex and Conner suddenly grew very uncomfortable.

  “Are you telling me that we’re wearing the Big Bad Wolf ?” Conner asked.

  “Yes,” Red said, without a crumb of remorse. “Soft, wasn’t he?”

  The twins grew very stiff, as if what they were wearing was still alive.

  “I don’t know what to say—thank you so much for thinking of us,” Alex said through her teeth.

  “No trouble at all,” Red said and stepped off the stool. “Now step up and have it fitted properly. Saving the world is not an excuse to wear ill-fitting clothes.”

  Alex was first to step on the stool and get her coat tailored by the handmaiden.

  “Speaking of things that used to be alive,” Conner said, “I was wondering, has anyone ever died in this castle?”

  Alex shot him a sharp look. Conner didn’t make eye contact with her.

  “No, thank heavens,” Red said. “Why would you ask such a question?”

  Conner shrugged innocently. “No reason,” he said. “If someone had, though, would you even know about it?”

  Red glared at him peculiarly. “Are you making plans to be the first?” she asked.

  “Of course not,” Conner said. “I was just curious. Forget I mentioned it.”

  The handmaiden finished pinning Alex’s coat, and Conner was next. Goldilocks entered the closet a few moments later. Her eyes had to adjust from the light.

  “Where am I?” Goldilocks said, shielding her face from the chandeliers.

  “You’re in my closet,” Red said with an eye roll. “Poor thing has been living like an animal for so long she can’t even recognize one,” she whispered to the twins.

  “For a moment I thought I had stepped onto the sun,” Goldilocks said. “The ship is almost complete and we’ll be loading it soon. We need a chest. Froggy said I could find one here.”

  “Did he?” Red said, a little annoyed Froggy would point Goldilocks in the direction of her room. “He was mistaken, I’m afraid. All the chests up here are full.”

  Goldilocks ignored her. She saw the line of them in the back of the hall and headed toward one. “Perfect!” Goldilocks said. She opened it and dumped a pile of high-heeled shoes out of it.

  “Excuse me!? I need that!” Red said.

  “Well, we need it now,” Goldilocks said and started dragging the empty chest out of the closet.

  “For what?” Red said.

  “We’re going to fill it with supplies,” Goldilocks said. “Weapons, lanterns, ropes—things we actually need for the trip. Your shoes will just have to be homeless for the time being.”

  Goldilocks dragged the chest out of sight. Red looked after her for a moment with a puzzled expression on her face. “Sometimes when I talk to her I feel as if I’m not speaking to another woman, but to another species altogether,” she said.

  That afternoon the twins decided to go with Jack to plant the magic beans. Jack figured it was best to plant the beans in the same soil as the previous beanstalk, so they walked through the village and headed to his former home just on the outskirts of town. Jack carried a shovel over his shoulder and held the bag of magic beans tightly in his hand.

  “The ship is coming along splendidly,” Jack said. “The men are finishing up some final touches, but it’ll be ready by sunset.”

  “When do we leave?” Conner asked.

  “Tonight at midnight,” Jack said.

  The twins were half excited and half nervous to hear this.

  “We have five places to stop—six including wherever the Enchantress keeps her most prized possession,” Alex counted. “Where are we going first?”

  “It’s important that our course isn’t predictable,” Jack said. “I reckon by our second or third stop word will reach the Enchantress about our little escapade—we have to keep her guessing where we’ll be headed. We should start with the Snow Queen first, begin our adventure with a bang. Then we’ll go south to the wicked stepmother’s estate. By then the beanstalk should be grown and we’ll come back here for the giant’s castle. Then we’ll head northeast to collect pieces of the Evil Queen’s mirror and then south again for the Sea Witch’s jewels.”

  “Oh, is that all?” Conner said sarcastically.

  “Hopefully we’ll figure out what Ezmia’s most prized possession is before we get to the Sea Witch,” Alex said.

  “Yeah, hopefully,” Conner said.

  They walked for a bit longer and Jack’s old house appeared in the distance—both of them. A wooden shack Jack lived in with his mother when they were poor sat in front of a large and elegant manor they had built after acquiring the riches from the giant.

  Jack stopped walking when he saw his old homes.

  “What’s wrong?” Alex asked, looking back at him.

  “Nothing,” he said quietly. “I just haven’t been back in a really long time.”

  “We know how you feel,” Conner said. “Alex and I used to walk home every day from school and pass our old house. It used to make us so sad—”

  “That’s just the thing,” Jack said, and a small grin grew on his nostalgic face. “I was expecting to be sad—I was expecting it to make me feel blue, but I feel quite the opposite. Every minute I remember spending here was a minute missing or worrying about Goldilocks. I don’t suppose I could consider anyplace home without her.”

  He continued walking with a cheerful hop in his step, patting the twins on the shoulders as he passed them. Alex smiled to herself, knowing how happy Goldilocks would be to hear this.

  Jack walked to the edge of a large hole in the ground that the previous beanstalk had grown out of.

  “I’ll plant the beans here,” Jack said. He dug a small hole and dropped the three magic beans into the ground. “The last beanstalk took less than a day to grow.”

  “Should someone keep an eye on it while we’re away? To make sure nothing disturbs its growth?” Alex asked.

  Jack contemplated this for a moment. “I have the perfect person for the job,” he said and headed toward the manor.

  Before he reached the large home, two windows in the front of the house burst open. Standing behind them was the beautiful and golden magic harp. She sang with a soprano voice and the strings connected to her back played along with her voice.

  “Oh, another day has come at last,

  What once was today is now the past,

  As the sun slowly sets and disappears,

  I’ve been at this window for too many years—Jack!”

  “Hello, Harper!” Jack said, happy to see his old friend.

  “Oh my goodness gracious!” the harp said, completely overwhelmed. “Is it really you, or are my eyes deceiving me?!”

  “I’m here, Harper,” Jack said bashfully. “I’m so sorry I haven’t written or visited. I couldn’t risk being seen.”

  The harp instantly burst into a triumphant song.

  “Oh, Jack, my Jack, the Jack is back,

  You almost gave this harp a heart attack,

  But now I no longer need to be concerned,

  For Jack, my Jack, the Jack has finally returned.”

  The twins couldn’t help but applaud—she was a one-woman show.

  “I remember you two!” the harp said. “It’s been ages since I last saw you!”

  “It’s been a year,” Conner said.

  “Only a year?” the harp said in amazement. “I could have sworn it was decades! Time goes by so much slower when you have nothing to look at but grass and an old shack and only the squirrels to keep you company.”

  One of the harp’s eyes began twitching. Alex and Conner had felt sorry for her when Jack lived in the house with her—they couldn’t imagine what complete isolation had been like for her.

  The harp’s strings pl
ayed the opening chords of a sad ballad.

  “A lonely, lonely life I lead,

  As lonely, lonely as a seed,

  A tree with lonely, lonely leaves,

  But just how lonely no one believes!”

  Alex and Conner clapped again for her, though not as vigorously.

  “But you look great!” Conner said, trying to break the sad tension.

  “I’m sorry you’ve been so lonely, Harper. Truly I am. If it had been safe to come back to visit you, I would have,” Jack said.

  “All is forgotten, dear,” the harp said. “Today is a happy day! You’ve come home at last! I’m sad to tell you the house is an absolute mess inside. I would have tidied up had I known you were coming back home—and if I had legs.”

  “I’m not coming back, I’m afraid,” Jack said. “We’re just passing through.”

  “Oh, I see,” the harp said. Her strings played a sad little melody as her spirits sank.

  “But we were wondering if you could do us a favor,” Jack said.

  The harp’s tempo sped up as her hopes were raised again.

  “A favor?” the harp asked and her eyes fluttered. “What’s your request, my boy? Is there a party you wish for me to perform at? A celebration you’d like me to serenade? A funeral you’d like me to give a farewell aria at?”

  “Not exactly,” Jack said sheepishly. “I just planted some magic beans. Would you mind keeping an eye on the beanstalk that grows while we’re away for a few days?”

  The harp’s hopeful chords came to an abrupt stop.

  “Pardon?” the harp asked and her eye began to twitch more severely.

  “We’re hoping you can keep an eye on the beanstalk,” Conner reiterated.

  The harp’s nostrils flared and the eyebrow above her twitching eye rose so high it almost touched her hairline.

  “I have performed for kings and queens and aristocrats!” the harp said, horribly insulted “And you’re asking me to watch a plant grow for you?!”

  The three of them took a couple steps back from her.

  “Do you have anything else better to do?” Conner asked. He wasn’t helping matters at all. The harp’s strings started to play a fast and angry theme behind her.

  “Harper, are you aware of what’s happening in the world?” Jack asked.

  “Unless it’s happened directly in front of this house, I haven’t heard about it,” the harp said and folded her arms.

  Jack sighed and rubbed his neck, not knowing where to begin.

  “Well, I don’t mean to worry you, but the world is in a bit of a crisis,” he said. “We’re going on a trip that will hopefully restore it. So if you could keep an eye on the beanstalk as it grows, we would be so appreciative.”

  The harp snorted and looked away from them. “I suppose this is my new life now,” she said over-dramatically. “The former renowned entertainer for the royal and rich is now a plant sitter. My, how far I’ve fallen.”

  A clever smile appeared on Jack’s face as an idea came to him. “In exchange,” Jack said, “I’ll have you moved to Queen Red Riding Hood’s Castle. You could perform for the queen and all her servants all day long.”

  Conner laughed into his fist, poorly disguising it as a cough. The harp tried her best to conceal her intrigue, but it was obviously the most exciting proposal she had received in a decade. A symphony of exhilaration was coming from her strings.

  “I will have to consider,” the harp said with half a smile, but they all knew her answer. “I will let you know if I decide to move into Queen Red’s castle when you return, but for now I’ll keep an eye on your beanstalk. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must practice my scales!”

  The harp quickly shut the window and went to work on her vocal exercises.

  “Way to go,” Conner said and patted Jack on the back.

  “Aside from rescuing her from the giant, you probably just made her century!” Alex said.

  Jack chuckled to himself. “I’m not sure who I feel worse for,” he said. “Harper, for leaving her alone for so long—or Red, for sending Harper to live with her.”

  The twins laughed and the three headed back to the castle.

  The twins packed all their things and met the others downstairs in the courtyard at midnight. Conner was too scared to be by himself, so he didn’t let Alex out of his sight. He was afraid if he was alone the ghost would pay him another visit.

  The flying ship had come a very long way from the sketches in the library. The enormous vessel filled the entire courtyard, made of woven pieces of wood—it looked like a giant ship-shaped basket. The carpenters had the ship on its side and were attaching the balloon and sails to the top of it.

  “Oh, Granny! The balloon and sails look terrific!” Red said. She was right: Although it was deflated, the twins couldn’t deny that Granny and the Little Old Woman had stitched together an impressively durable balloon. In fact, the balloon looked sturdier than the actual ship.

  “Oh, thank you, sweetheart,” Granny said. “We were so honored to be a part of it.”

  “Who’s a tart?” the Little Old Woman asked.

  Once the carpenters were finished attaching the balloon and sails, they ignited a large lamp-like object in the center of the ship. Carefully, with Jack’s commands, the balloon and sails were filled with hot air and the ship was pulled upright.

  Goldilocks dragged the chest she had filled with supplies onto the ship. Once she climbed aboard she was surprised to discover the entire deck had been filled with dozens of other chests and trunks.

  “What is all of this?” Goldilocks called down.

  “Those are Queen Red’s supplies,” the third Little Pig said.

  “What supplies?” Goldilocks said with an irritated glare.

  “Oh, relax, Goldie,” Red yelled up to her. “I wasn’t sure how long we’d be gone for so I made sure to bring plenty of wardrobe options.”

  Goldilocks visibly bit back her frustration and made sure everything was properly tied down for their launch. Froggy hadn’t brought anything onto the ship except a tall stack of his favorite library books.

  “Just something to pass the time,” Froggy said. “Everyone is welcome to share if they’d like.”

  It was getting later and anticipation was rising. The twins and Jack joined Froggy and Goldilocks aboard the ship.

  “Where’s Red?” Jack asked after doing a head count.

  “Just a second, just a second,” Red said. She had quickly run back to her chambers to change for the third time that night—she wanted her outfit to be perfect for their maiden voyage. A basket hung from her arm like a purse and she pulled out a fancy bottle of champagne from inside.

  Red cleared her throat. “I would like to make an announcement,” she said. “Would you mind?”

  Before he could agree to it, Red stepped on top of the third Little Pig so she could get a nicer view of all the carpenters in the room.

  “Make it quick, Red, we have to be as far away as possible by sunrise,” Goldilocks called down to her. Red waved her off like she was a hovering insect.

  “I wanted to thank all of the men, women, and pigs alike for working tirelessly around the clock to build this ship. You have made your kingdom and your queen very proud. It is an honor to be among citizens of your courage, strength, bravery, and spirit!” Red said, and the courtyard erupted in applause.

  “It wouldn’t be a proper launch without a proper christening,” she went on, raising the bottle. “I’d like to dedicate this ship in the name of my grandmother. May it forever be known as the HMS Granny.”

  She smacked the bottle on the side of the ship and it burst into a fizzy explosion. Granny smiled, touched by her granddaughter’s dedication.

  Red wiped her hand on the third Little Pig. “Now someone clean that up, please,” she ordered and finally boarded the ship.

  “Everyone brace yourselves for takeoff!” Jack shouted. He pulled a lever near the flame and it grew four times in size. Goldilocks and the twins
gripped the banister. Froggy took hold of the large steering wheel. He gulped and his thin frog legs trembled, but he was ready.

  The Granny, as Red had just declared it, smoothly rose higher and higher through the courtyard. The carpenters cheered from below. The twins held their breath, hoping nothing would go wrong on their first ascent. Within moments they were rising past the tops of the castle’s highest towers and into the open night sky.

  “We did it! We did it!” the twins shouted. “We’re flying! We’re flying!”

  It was so peaceful and serene. A cool night breeze blew past them as the Red Riding Hood Kingdom grew smaller and smaller.

  Froggy delicately turned the steering wheel and the sails positioned the ship in a northern direction. The twins couldn’t fight off the proud smiles they shared with the others. Their vision had become a reality, and their flight had officially begun.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  THE SNOW QUEEN

  The Granny sailed steadily through the night sky. They had been flying for a few hours now and the initial excitement had worn off and been replaced with anticipation for the journey ahead. They were flying somewhere above the Northern Kingdom, and the snowy Northern Mountains came into view on the horizon.

  The farther north they traveled, the colder it became. The twins were so thankful Red had given them fur coats to wear, despite whom the fur used to belong to.

  Froggy was still clutching the steering wheel. He looked like a little boy—too excited to let it go. Red leaned on the banister facing west. She kept looking over her shoulder, as if to ask someone a question.

  “Are you all right, my love?” Froggy asked her.

  “Yes, darling, I’ll be fine,” Red said. “I keep thinking of things for my handmaiden to do for me and forget she’s not here. I forgot what it was like to go without help.”

  Jack and Goldilocks were seated near the front of the ship. Goldilocks sharpened her sword and Jack sharpened his axe as the twins joined them.

  “So what can you tell us about the Snow Queen?” Conner said. “On a scale of kitten to tiger, what kind of danger are we talking?”

  “It’s hard to say,” Jack said. “The Snow Queen has been out of the public eye for so long—no one has seen her in decades.”