The Land of Stories: The Enchantress Returns

by Chris Colfer

  “We’ve come for your jewels,” Froggy said.

  The Sea Witch let out a long, hissing laugh that sounded like it might have come from a dying cat. “You insult me with your offer,” she said. “I’ll make a deal with you; I will give you one of my pearls in exchange for the queen.”

  She gently placed her hand over the pearl necklace wrapped around her neck. Each pearl was black, and they were all of different sizes and shades.

  “Witch, please!” Conner said. “We’ve got a living, breathing queen! We’re the ones who should be requesting more from you!”

  The Sea Witch eyed him—she didn’t like being beaten at her own game. “You are just a large frog and two children. Tell me how you acquired a queen,” she hissed.

  Conner laughed a little too hard. “We only appear as a frog and children because that’s how we’ve been cursed to spend eternity!” He pointed to his sister. “This girl used to be a six-foot man with the hairiest chest in all the kingdoms!”

  Alex closed her eyes and assembled enough pretenses to go along with her brother’s ridiculous backstory. “Grrr, I miss me man body,” she said in her best impression of a pirate’s voice.

  The Sea Witch looked down at them peculiarly—she had been hanging on every word they said until this point.

  “I was on my royal boat when they scooped me up and brought me here!” Goldilocks cried, trying to authenticate their tale.

  “Do we have a trade, Sea Witch?” Froggy called up to her. “Or shall we take the queen back to the land and sell her to the ogres?”

  The Sea Witch thought on it, stroking the cuttlefish as she did. “Very well,” she said. “I believe we have a deal.”

  The Sea Witch climbed down the whale ribs toward them. They got a better glimpse of her black pearl necklace, and their hearts fluttered with the knowledge that it was exactly what they needed. But the twins’ eyes fell to a familiar ring she wore on her turquoise finger. It was silver and had two diamonds, one blue and the other pink.

  Alex and Conner looked back and forth between the ring and each other. Was it just a coincidence, or had their worlds collided more than they realized?

  “That ring!” Alex gasped. “Where did you get it?”

  The Sea Witch glanced at her ring and then suspiciously down to Alex.

  “The same place I get all my jewelry,” she hissed. “From people like you, and creatures like them.” She jerked her head toward the ceiling where all the mermaids hung. “Do you want to make a trade or not?”

  “Yes!” Froggy said, getting the twins back on the subject.

  A conniving smile stretched across the Sea Witch’s face. “Hand over the queen first and I’ll give you the jewels,” she said.

  “Nice try,” Conner said. “Give us the jewels and we’ll hand you the queen.”

  The tensions between them grew.

  “As you wish,” the Sea Witch said through a frown. She raised her arms and two crabs crawled out from under her dress. They crawled around her body, collecting all the jewelry she wore. The crabs climbed down the platform and stood in front of the twins.

  Froggy untied Goldilocks and pushed her up the platform toward the Sea Witch. A long black-and-white-striped sea snake slithered out of the Sea Witch’s gown and toward her.

  “On the count of three we’ll make the exchange,” the Sea Witch said. “One… two… three.”

  The twins took the jewels from the crabs and the snake wrapped around Goldilocks like a living rope. Alex and Conner pocketed the pearls and the other jewels. They were happy the trade had been made, but they desperately didn’t want to leave Goldilocks behind.

  “This has been splendid,” Froggy said with a nod and slowly backed away from the platform. “Pleasure doing business with you—”

  “Not so fast!” the Sea Witch hissed. The crabs jumped to the other side of Froggy and the twins, blocking their way out. “Did you think I would let you go without checking to make sure the trade was truthful?”

  The Sea Witch reached into her gown and pulled a dried-up blowfish from inside of it. She broke off one of the blowfish’s needles and pricked Goldilocks’s finger with it. She raised her cuttlefish toward the bleeding finger and it stuck out its tongue from between its legs and tasted it.

  Froggy and the twins were so anxious they could hear one another’s hearts beat. They hadn’t been planning on this. The cuttlefish turned bright blue. The Sea Witch frowned angrily and knocked Goldilocks to the ground with one of her claws.

  “Liars! My cuttlefish has turned blue! He did not taste royal blood!” she screamed.

  “Uh-oh,” Alex said.

  The crabs leaped onto the twins. The Sea Witch threw her cuttlefish and it hit Froggy, wrapping its legs around his face. All three frantically fought off the sea creatures attacking them, but it was no use.

  The crabs pinched and poked the twins, scratching them and drawing blood. Jack ran to the twins’ side and, with two quick blows of his axe, chopped both of the crabs in half.

  “Mmmmmm! Mmmmmm!” Froggy mumbled from under the cuttlefish.

  Red ran to help Froggy. She took a good look at the cuttlefish and then, not wanting to touch it, took off her shoe and began hitting the cuttlefish with it.

  “Not helping, darling,” Froggy mumbled under the cuttlefish’s clasp. She was mostly hitting him in the head.

  Across the lair, Goldilocks pulled one of her arms free from under the snake and grabbed its head. With one tug, she pulled the serpent off her body. The Sea Witch was livid over such an easy escape; she stretched her legs and grew twice in height. She lunged toward Goldilocks, her claws snapping as loudly as gunshots in her direction.

  “Goldilocks! Behind you!” Jack screamed.

  Goldilocks swung the snake around, cracking it like a whip, and fought the Sea Witch off like a lion tamer. She jumped and tumbled on the ground, barely avoiding fatal pinches. The twins had to cover their eyes, fearing they were about to witness the Snow Queen’s prophecy come true.

  Red gave the cuttlefish one final smack with her shoe and the tentacled creature fell on the ground. Jack ran up to it and kicked it across the cave. The cuttlefish flew across the cave and hit the Sea Witch square in the face and wrapped itself tightly around her head. They could hear a loud, muffled scream as the Sea Witch struggled to free herself—a prisoner to her own pet.

  “Let’s get out of here!” Jack yelled.

  Goldilocks jumped off the platform, somersaulting through the air, and landed near the others. The group ran through the cave and back toward where they had left the Great Sea Turtle. They retrieved their scallop shells and strapped them over their faces; then they jumped onto the turtle’s back and grabbed hold of him.

  “Go, turtle, go!” Conner yelled. The Great Sea Turtle might not have heard him, but he could clearly tell by their panicked faces that they needed to get out of there fast.

  The turtle dove into the water and swam as fast as he could down the tunnel. He bolted past the group of sharks waiting at its entrance before they knew something was wrong. He passed all the anglerfish they had seen on their way into the cave. Their fins began to move a little quicker as they floated in the water; they could tell something wasn’t right but were just waiting on orders to intervene.

  The turtle swam through the canyon faster than they had ever seen a turtle swim before. For a moment the twins felt relieved—they had narrowly escaped death once again. But then a high-pitched sound boomed through the ocean, causing a ripple to travel through the water. It sounded like a scream—the Sea Witch must have freed herself from the cuttlefish.

  Conner looked back at the canyon and had to blink twice. The Sea Witch’s army of anglerfish and sharks erupted from the canyon and headed toward them like a swarm of underwater wasps. It wasn’t long before the terrifying swarm caught up to them.

  A few of the sharks zeroed in on the turtle. Jack was quick to punch one in the nose as it tried biting the turtle’s flipper. Froggy kicked another one
and it crashed into yet another—it was like an underwater car chase. A moment later the Sea Witch’s creatures had gained speed and the turtle was surrounded. They needed a miracle if they wanted to escape.

  Suddenly, a series of colorful blurs zoomed past the turtle, taking the sharks and anglerfish with them. The twins looked at each other, each making sure the other had seen it, too. More colorful blurs jetted past them one by one, picking off the creatures trying to harm the turtle. The mermaids had come to the rescue.

  As if they were moving through a colorful meteor shower, the twins saw hundreds of mermaids shooting through the ocean and tackling the harmful fish around them. Some mermaids carried spears and shields; others shared nets. The twins found themselves in the middle of a massive underwater battle.

  The turtle and his passengers had made it back into the bay. They could see the Granny’s belly floating on the surface above. The Great Sea Turtle surfaced next to it and Froggy quickly escorted everyone from the back of the turtle to the deck of the ship.

  “Thank you!” Alex said to the giant turtle. It dipped its head slightly to her and then disappeared again beneath the water.

  Alex and Conner ran down the steps to the lower deck.

  “Where’s the fire?” the harp asked them, but they ignored her.

  Alex and Conner retrieved the Wand of Wonderment from under Goldilocks’s cot. They put it on the floor and dumped out all the Sea Witch’s jewels beside it. The black pearls instantly coiled around the base of the scepter, creating a handle.

  “It’s working! We did it!” Conner said, but his sister didn’t join him in celebration. “Alex, what’s wrong?”

  Alex was staring down at the floor at a piece of jewelry that hadn’t connected itself to the wand. She picked up the ring with the pink and blue diamonds on it that they had seen the Sea Witch wearing.

  “It’s the ring!” she said. “It’s the ring Bob got Mom!”

  “How do you know it’s the same ring and not just a similar one?” Conner asked.

  “I’m a thirteen-year-old girl—I know a ring when I see one!” Alex exclaimed.

  “Does this mean Bob is in the Land of Stories?!” Conner asked.

  A thunderous set of footsteps flew down the steps from the upper deck—it was Jack.

  “Hey, you two!” Jack said. “We could use a hand up here!”

  The twins put the Wand away and joined the others on the upper deck.

  Just when they thought they were safe, anglerfish were jumping out of the water and landing on the ship. They snapped their massive jaws at their ankles. The twins joined Red in kicking the hideous fish overboard. Goldilocks picked up her sword and began a gruesome game of baseball with the fish flying up from the water.

  Jack and Froggy tried starting up the ship, releasing the sails and firing up the flame as high as it could go.

  “We’ve got to get away from the water as quickly as possible!” Jack yelled.

  The Granny rose higher and higher above the bay.

  “We’re getting away!” Red cheered, still kicking unwelcome fish off of the deck.

  The ship was gaining height at a steady speed. Just when they could finally sigh with relief, an anglerfish Red and the twins had missed on the deck flopped high into the air and tore through the Granny’s balloon and sails with its huge teeth.

  The ship began to descend out of the sky, spinning out of control. The shredded sails above them acted more as a floppy parachute than as a balloon. They couldn’t tell where they were falling—it wasn’t back into the bay, but toward land somewhere in the distance.

  Everyone was screaming, grabbing on to anything or anyone they could to prevent themselves from being flung off the ship. The twins found each other’s hands in the middle of the chaos, and they held on to each other, convinced these would be their last moments alive.

  With a giant thud, the Granny crashed to the ground. Everything was hazy from then on.… They could hear Clawdius barking.… They heard the harp yelling from below.… They heard Red and Froggy moaning.… They saw Jack and Goldilocks trying to stand.…

  They looked out at the land around them and saw gigantic boulders surrounding the horizon. Two figures were moving toward them—one was small and stout, the other tall and gangly. They both had large ears and ugly faces and leaned toward the twins, inspecting them.

  “Well… well… well,” said a gruff voice. “What do we have here?”

  The twins had one horrifying realization before passing out completely: They had crashed in Troll and Goblin Territory.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  TROLLBELLA, QUEEN OF THE TROBLINS

  Agentle swaying stirred the twins to life. They opened their eyes and found themselves in a caged cart traveling down a long, dark tunnel, heading deeper and deeper underground. The cart was pulled by a donkey and steered by a short and fat troll with wide, bat-like ears.

  “About time you two woke up!” said the harp. She rode in the same cart as the twins.

  “What happened?” Conner said, rubbing his head. He and his sister were sore, bruised, and cut up a bit from the crash.

  “Our ship crashed and we’ve been kidnapped by trolls and goblins!” the harp said. “In other words, we’re having a bad day!”

  “We’ve been kidnapped by trolls?!” Alex said. “No! This can’t be happening again!”

  “Where are the others?” Conner asked.

  “They’re in the cart behind us,” the harp said. “No one was seriously wounded, thank the heavens. Goldilocks dislocated her shoulder but set it back in place. Red has a scratch on her cheek and has been crying about it for hours.”

  The twins looked in the tunnel behind them. Jack, Goldilocks, Froggy, and Red were squished together in a caged cart being steered by a goblin. Goldilocks was clutching her wrist, testing the reflexes throughout her hand. Red was sobbing into Froggy’s shoulder; she had a small scrape across her cheek just below her left eye.

  “It’s going to take weeks to heal!” Red said. “I’m going to look like a peasant!”

  “Where’s the wand?” Alex whispered to the harp.

  “The troll took everything of value and put it in there,” the harp said and pointed to a satchel he wore around his shoulder. They could see Jack’s axe, Goldilocks’s sword, and the tip of the Wand poking out from the top of it.

  “Are we going to be slaves now?” Conner asked in a loud and frustrated voice so the troll would hear him.

  The troll let out a rumbling chuckle. “I wish,” he growled. “We don’t have slaves anymore. You lot are in for something much worse.”

  Soon the carts were passing under a stone arch the twins remembered from their last visit to the underground kingdom. The stone had two statues underneath it, one of a troll and one of a goblin, and in bold letters what used to say:

  BE TROLL, BE GOBLIN, OR BE AFRAID

  Now read:

  WELCOME, FRIENDS!

  The twins rubbed their eyes to make sure they were working properly.

  “Huh?” Conner said. “Are you reading what I’m reading or do I have a concussion?”

  They moved through the arch and down a long stone tunnel. The twins expected to descend into the large, noisy common room they’d visited before, but everything was completely different. Instead of being filled with hundreds of trolls and goblins being served drinks and food by human slaves, the room was completely still. All the stone tables and chairs had been removed, and trolls and goblins stood attentively in perfect lines.

  “That’s odd,” Conner said. “It’s like they’re at boot camp or something.”

  The trolls and goblins faced an empty stone throne, all waiting for their leader’s arrival. They weren’t quite as ugly as the twins remembered, and the smell of their poor hygiene wasn’t as strong, either. Had they finally learned to take care of themselves?

  The carts turned a corner and moved down another tunnel—headed for the dungeons, if the twins remembered properly. They were shocked to
discover the dungeons had changed, too. The individual cells had been removed, and now there was just one big space with furniture and torches. A dozen or so humans mingled about the room. They weren’t the frail, overworked slaves the twins had seen last time, but were more a bored and restless group—yawning and twirling their thumbs.

  The troll and goblin pulled the twins and other captives out of the carts and pushed them into the room with the others. They drove the carts off, taking the harp and the satchel with the Wand of Wonderment inside it with them.

  “Don’t let them take me away!” the harp cried. “They’re going to melt me and forge me into nose rings!”

  Unfortunately, there was nothing they could do. A large gate shut behind the carts as the troll with the magic harp drove off. Jack, Goldilocks, Red, Froggy, and the twins were trapped with the others.

  “We have to get the harp and the Wand back,” Jack said. He put his hands to the gate door and shook it as hard as he could, but it didn’t budge.

  The twins didn’t look nearly as stressed as the rest of them.

  “Don’t worry, if we could escape this place last time, we can do it again,” Conner said, once again the voice of optimism.

  “Things look so much more civilized in here now,” Alex said. She walked up to a woman and politely tapped her on the shoulder. “Excuse me? Hello, my name is Alex Bailey. Can you tell me what we’re doing here?”

  “I don’t know what you’re doing here, but I was kidnapped when I accidentally wandered into the Troll and Goblin Territory,” she said.

  “How long have you been a slave?” Conner asked.

  “Slave?” Red said, and tears immediately came to her eyes—she was so distraught by the scratch on her face that the reality of the situation hadn’t fully sunk in. “Royals can’t be slaves! Why is my life a reverse Cinderella story?!”

  The woman grew even more annoyed talking to them. “I’m not a slave,” she said, insulted they would even think such a thing. “They just make us dance for the queen as punishment for being on their property without permission.”