The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules

by Jennifer Cook O'Toole

  You may have heard that real bees communicate by dancing. Well, it seems that human “Queen Bees” have a routine, too, with choreographed roles and steps. The Queen uses charisma, looks and strategy to influence the ways other girls are “allowed” to interact. She weakens girls and their relationships so she will feel stronger and remain important to everyone.

  Among the Queen Bee’s “court” are: sidekicks (girls who want to take over as queen), floaters (have friends in different groups), bystanders (want to be nice but also really want to be included), wannabe-messengers (will do anything to be included, eventually get turned on), and bankers (appear harmless to adults, they trick you into trusting them) (Wiseman 2009, pp.86–91).

  Cliques are complicated and confusing, subtle and always-changing. While they will never be the natural habitat of us Aspergirls, they are how most female groups work—no matter how old you are. We must learn how to find safe places and authentic friends. If we don’t, we become “the targets” of NT girls and eventually, of boys, too. That’s why you have to learn the structure of Queen Bees’ Courts, and why you deserve help handling them.

  Bullying doesn’t have to leave bruises to break your heart. You, Aspergirl, are lovely and precious. And you are far too fabulous to let anyone else get in your way.

  - 31 -

  Through the Looking Glass

  Laughing at Yourself without Being a Laughingstock

  Need-to-Knows

  • Laughing at your mistake is NOT the same as laughing at you.

  • The NT world considers laughing at your own blunders to be one of the “highest” kinds of humor.

  • An action may be funny. A person is not. The joke is what you did, it isn’t who you are.

  • Do not make fun of your own pain just so it’s not so bad when others hurt you. It doesn’t work and it costs you self-respect.

  • NTs perceive those who can laugh at themselves as secure, confident, strong and likable.

  • A person who isn’t afraid to tease him or herself makes a connection with everyone listening.

  • No one can laugh at you if you’re already laughing.

  Asperkid Logic

  For most of human history, people have relied on polished stone or the still surface of a pond to see their own reflection. Almost 200,000 years of faces. And most of them would never see themselves. They would never see their own eyes or smile or chin. The little pieces of themselves that everyone else could see. It wasn’t until less than 200 years ago that a common, affordable mirror was invented—taking the luxury item out of the hands of the rich and handing it over to the rest of the world. Suddenly, you could stare into your own eyes clearly. You could see, thanks to the mirror, that you had a face, a body, a self that was just as human as everyone else’s.

  Have you ever tried to catch your own eyes moving in a mirror? Of course you can’t do it—but I know I’ve tried. It seems like the face you see is Someone Else, doesn’t it? That you are “de-tached” (instead of attached) to him or her. That you aren’t really one and the same. Yet there you are. A mind behind a face that’s seen by everyone you meet. But what on earth does any of this have to do with laughing? Quite a lot actually.

  Even little kids laugh at slapstick or physical comedy—why do you think potty humor and pies (etc.) in the face are so big in kids’ movies? It’s easy to “get” the silliness of whipped cream all over some guy’s face. My two-year-old would laugh at that. Higher up the comedy chain, though, is the kind of laughter that comes at an unexpected situation, not at an action. Let me give you an example.

  I was a college cheerleader. One season, our coach was having a particularly tough time getting the girls to practice on time. So, she made it known that anyone who was late to the next practice would have to sit out the next game—in full uniform, for everyone to see. Now, to that point, I’d not ever been late to a single practice. Still, I was not about to push my luck. The next time we were scheduled to work out, I made sure I went to dinner early so there’d be no worries about getting to the (rather far away) Athletic Center by the 6:30 start time. While I sat in the dining hall, leisurely eating my food, a friend of my teammate approached, and asked why I wasn’t at practice. I looked up, but it was only 5:45. What was the rush?

  The rush was that I was wrong. Practice was at 6pm, and at least a 20-minute walk away. And it was dark. And raining. And really cold. Dang. In seconds, I was out the door, jacket over my head for protection. Down the cobbled sidewalk I ran, dodging huddled students and there—like a beacon of hope—I saw ahead of me the headlight of the campus shuttle pulling up to its corner stop. If I made it, I’d get to practice on time. So I gave it everything I had, bolting for that van until I thought my lungs would burst. I reached the corner while the van was still idling, grabbed the handle, threw open the door, and tossed my sopping self in, gasping, “Athletic Center, please!” through stringy, wet hair. There was silence. And when I got the wet hair out of my eyes, I realized that the quiet was due to the complete and utter shock of the passengers around me. Apparently, the van I’d just entered wasn’t, in fact, the university shuttle. It was just some poor, random family’s car. And I, a strange, dripping, shouting cheerleader, had just thrown myself inside.

  Stellar.

  Yes, I was late for practice. But no, they didn’t sit me out. The story was too hilarious.

  Now: honesty check. Did you laugh just now? Or at least think the story was amusing? I really hope so, because that is one of my better embarrassing moment stories. And to our earlier point, the humor—the joke—is the unexpected situation. I (and you) did not expect the end to feature me seated in a stranger’s minivan. The intended result didn’t occur. There was an error, a failure, a mistake.

  So, basically, you just laughed at my failure.

  It’s OK, though. Laughing at my mistake is NOT the same as laughing at me.

  The NT world actually considers laughing at one’s own blunders to be the “highest” kind of humor, because it requires that we step out from behind our own eyes and see ourselves as someone else would. It’s like seeing “another” face when you gaze in the mirror. Or at a photo. Seeing yourself as just another person.

  Truth: if you only see your own perspective, life is a lot less funny. If I only looked at the fact that I was wet, in a stranger’s car AND late for practice, well, there’s nothing funny in that! It’s actually pretty miserable. If you look at it from the perspective of the people in the car, though, well, after they got over their shock, they laughed like crazy at the surprise. Even my cranky coach laughed when I arrived, dripping—but with a rather awesome story to tell. From their perspectives, this was really priceless.

  Different perspectives reveal mistakes, absurd situations, shortcomings and flaws that are, well, funny. To see the humor, to laugh at ourselves, we have to step away from ourselves. You, after all, are not your mistakes.

  Why Bother?

  Seeing ourselves as the world sees us is hard—for NTs, and especially for Aspies. So, why bother? Why put in the effort to have a laugh at our own expense? Well, it’s not really at our expense. That’s sort of the key. We’re not putting ourselves down or bullying ourselves. I’m just asking you to consider the silly surprise you might see if you looked at yourself from another person’s perspective.

  An action may be funny. A person is not.

  The joke is what you did, it isn’t who you are.

  Taking life—or yourself—too seriously is no fun. It’s also not going to serve you well in the NT world. Why? There are a couple of reasons:

  • Laughter is good for you. It’s healthy. It lowers your blood pressure and raises your spirits. And if you can laugh at yourself, you will never be without a source of amusement. After all, whenever you need a pick-me-up, you’ve always got you.

  • NTs see those who can laugh at themselves as secure, confident, strong and likable. People who are insecure about themselves feel the need to impress everyone else, to brag, to pu
ff themselves up. NO ONE likes to be around a show-off. Confident people, however, don’t need to show off. They’re already certain of their own worth, and don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

  • Laughing makes you relatable. A person who isn’t afraid to tease him or herself makes a connection with everyone listening. Everyone has embarrassed themselves, failed at something or sounded foolish at one time or another. Everyone! When you use “self-effacing humor” (laughing at your own mistakes), you’re showing that you are just like everyone else—you, too, know what it’s like to mess up.

  • NTs want to know and be with relatable people. They don’t like insecure or stuck-up people. Actually, neither do many Aspies.

  • No one can laugh at you if you’re already laughing. If you trip and drop all of your books, people will laugh. It’s unexpected, and in NT world, expected situations are either scary, “weird,” or funny. If you are too concerned with looking “cool” or “perfect,” you won’t laugh if you trip. You’ll feel embarrassed and get angry or frustrated. Then, the laughter will be at you. But if you accept your own blunders and laugh at your mistakes (’cause they may really be funny), the laughter can only be with you.

  • ANYTHING can be worse. Take any mistake for what it is and nothing more.

  So often, Aspies are told to “lighten up.” To take life a little less seriously. And the truth is that the first thousand times or so that you hear that advice (especially after you’ve royally goofed), you probably have no interest whatsoever in taking a “step back” or seeing anything from anyone else’s “side.” If you are embarrassed or upset and feel that people are laughing at you, you probably don’t and can’t see how a situation could possibly be funny. But if you can “de-tach” yourself from the momentary discomfort—you may find yourself laughing away what would otherwise be the most embarrassing moments of your life.

  From one Aspie to another, a bit of warning, though. Do not make fun of your own pain just so it’s not so bad when others hurt you. That’s bogus. It’s a lie, and it doesn’t work. A famous comedy actor, Alan Alda, said that you should “laugh at yourself, but don’t ever aim your doubt at yourself.” The kinds of relationships you want or need in NT world—with teachers, friends, dates, family—are based on respect. Turning yourself into the class clown only gets you laughed at; it doesn’t earn respect. Remember: YOU are not the joke.

  You know, I’ve noticed an odd thing. Often, after someone cries deeply, he will laugh. When someone laughs really hard, he will tear up. And sometimes, when sad feelings are too overwhelming, he may laugh at a completely inappropriate time. It seems to me that laughing and crying are awfully connected—our body’s natural ways of handling strong feelings.

  Imagine that the world is not full of crystal-clear mirrors, reflecting only our most serious selves. Maybe it’s full of funhouse mirrors, showing us the silliness of other perspectives. Try to be like an observer, watching someone else doing what you’ve done. Is it funny? Honestly? Let the world see that we Aspies are, actually, not that different—that we aren’t scared to mess up now and then. We don’t think we’re any better than anyone else, and we know we’re not any worse. We know that our mistakes don’t make us losers, they make us human. And, sometimes, they make us funny. So be real. Be relatable. Be you.

  And laugh.

  Stickies

  (Little Nuggets of Aspie Truth—Sticky-Note-Sized)

  1. If you want (or expect) something to happen, and it’s not happening, speak up. Ask if you can help make it happen.

  2. If you don’t want something to happen, and it is happening, speak up. Ask someone you trust for help.

  3. Advice is not an insult to your intelligence. It’s just additional perspective you may (or may not) find useful.

  4. No one knows what you want, need or like unless you say so. What is obvious to you isn’t obvious to everyone else (and vice versa).

  5. Even “excuse me” becomes an interruption if you keep saying it.

  6. When a door opens, wait for other people to exit before you walk in.

  7. Ask how others want to be helped rather than deciding what they need. Your good intentions may come off as cheeky or presumptuous if you don’t.

  8. Don’t change the TV channel on the TV if other people are watching the show.

  9. Same goes for music. Ask before you change anything in case someone else likes the song.

  10. After getting off of the phone, share any news. No one else knows what was said on the phone unless you tell them.

  11. Knock before opening a door. Wait to be told to come in. If it’s closed, it’s closed for a reason, and you need to respect others’ privacy.

  12. Use names (antecedents), not pronouns (he, she, it, they, etc.). “He has it” doesn’t help listeners imagine what you see in your mind. Say “Mike” or “Kevin” instead of “he” and “the phone” or “the ball” instead of “it.”

  13. If someone’s body is busy, their mind probably is, too. Pick another time for any important conversations.

  14. Flush.

  15. Say what you need from someone, not what the problem is (try “Please move over a bit?” instead of “I can’t see the TV.” Or, “May I have a refill?” rather than, “I’m out of juice.”).

  16. Other people may be able to see you even if you don’t see them.

  17. Leaving on time is as important as arriving on time.

  18. Hold the door for other people.

  19. Say “Thank you” if someone holds the door for you.

  20. If someone’s whispering to you, they want to be private or discreet. Reply very quietly or shrug to show you don’t understand. Don’t answer or ask what they are saying loudly enough that everyone can hear.

  21. Say “Excuse me” whenever good manners say you should—even if you think no one’s listening.

  22. “When are you leaving?” comes across better as, “How long will you be staying?”

  23. Accidents really do happen. Sometimes, no one is to blame.

  24. It is great when people you meet seem kind and welcoming. Remember, though: that’s an acquaintance, not a friendship.

  25. Only answer questions that are addressed to you.

  26. Someone who tells other people’s secrets will tell yours, too.

  27. If you have to say, “Don’t tell anyone this…” you shouldn’t be telling them either.

  28. If you wouldn’t say it to someone, don’t say it about someone.

  29. Don’t give away your power by letting one person’s opinion affect your decision-making.

  30. Paying people in change (with coins) can be insulting. It implies their services aren’t worth much.

  31. If you are going to be more than ten minutes late for an appointment, call right away. This shows value for the other person’s time.

  32. If you are planning to cancel an appointment (for a haircut, with a doctor, etc.), try your best to give at least 24 hours’ notice so the time-slot can be filled, and the professional doesn’t lose money.

  33. Hold off before sending multiple emails. Try, if you can, to condense them into a single, thorough, bullet-pointed note. The recipient will prefer that to an inbox full of bits and pieces.

  34. Try to match your volume to the volume of others who are speaking.

  35. Check with your friend before asking his or her ex on a date.

  36. Guys: in public bathrooms, leave at least one open spot between you and another dude, unless every “station” is taken.

  37. Girls: “I’ll call you” doesn’t always mean he actually will.

  38. Call or text before stopping by someone’s house. Surprise visits can make people feel unsettled.

  39. Being on-time is understood to mean that you are reliable and responsible. Being late communicates that you are disrespectful or disorganized.

  40. Arrive about five minutes before you are meant to meet someone, but not more than ten minutes late.

  41. Always address adults
by their title (Dr. or Mr. so-and-so), unless they say otherwise.

  42. In public places (like the movies or a restaurant) where room allows, choose a table or seat that is apart from others. Otherwise, they may feel that you are trying to intrude on their conversations.

  43. When a friend spends time with other people, it doesn’t mean you’re no longer wanted. No one person can (or should) fill ALL the friendship needs of another.

  44. Telephone messages should be brief and to the point—it’s a message, not a conversation. Say who is calling, who you’d like to return the call, and how to get in touch with you.

  45. Say “excuse me” if you need to get close to or move past someone, even if you’re not actually touching them.

  46. If you’re not sure whether something you know is meant to be kept secret, don’t share it.

  47. Making a friend choose between you and another friend is a sure way to get “dumped.”

  48. Have a plan when a friend comes over to hang out. An activity (anything from baking cookies to building Legos) gives you something to talk about.

  49. Wait to be invited. Asking to be invited to someone’s house or party will make the other person feel pressured and uncomfortable.

  50. You have two ears and one mouth. So, use that ratio in one-on-one conversations. Listen about two-thirds of the time. Talk about one-third of the time.

  51. You can feel bored without showing it. Yawning while someone else is talking is disrespectful.