The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules
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52. Rolling your eyes sends the message that you think you are “better” than the speaker.
53. Stay in the room if someone is speaking to you (even if you can hear from another room).
54. Ask how you can help rather than assuming you know what someone else would find most helpful.
55. If you feel angry, say so. It’s OK to be angry. It’s not OK to be violent, mean or hurtful. It’s also not OK to swallow the anger—it’ll only explode later.
56. Everyone passes gas. And other people DO notice, even if you don’t think they have. So either excuse yourself to the restroom first (most polite), or say “pardon me,” if it’s already happened.
57. Give advice when someone asks you for it—but ONLY when you are asked for it. Otherwise it’s being bossy.
58. Body changes, functions or troubles are best discussed in private (at home, with a doctor, parent, or friend you know well).
59. Give your best effort in all that you do. No matter what you are capable of, others think the work they see you do is the best you can do.
60. Bathroom garbage goes into the trash basket. Wrap anything personal, soiled or sticky in toilet tissue before disposing of it.
61. When waiting in line (queue), remember to leave “hula hoop” space between you and folks around you. Leave extra room at a pharmacy.
62. Use a disposable tissue to wipe the counter dry after washing your hands. It’s unpleasant for the next person to come to a wet, messy sink.
63. Wash your toothpaste down the sink after you brush rather than leaving it to dry in the sink. People don’t want to see something that’s been in your mouth.
64. When you want someone’s help, go to him. Don’t call for (or wait for) him to come to you.
65. When borrowing something, treat it BETTER than if it were your own. Return it soon—without being asked, and make sure it is clean. If you’ve damaged the item at all, replace it.
66. Ask before touching things that belong to others—never assume they won’t mind. Controlling yourself shows respect and good personal boundaries.
67. “But I was just…” or “But I just wanted…” isn’t a reason for breaking a rule or not following directions. It’s an excuse about to be disguised as a logical argument.
68. Feelings cannot be wrong, but the thoughts that lead to them can be (so you may feel upset, sad or worried without need). Feelings are adjectives: “I feel (blank)” (see the Feelings Chart on the next page!). An idea, thought or opinion could follow “I feel like/that…” Check that your ideas are accurate before you react.
69. “I” sentences go over better than “you” sentences. (“I don’t mind sharing once a week” vs. “You borrow my stuff too often.”)
70. Keep your hands outside your clothing and to yourself.
71. In a cafeteria, ask before sitting down. “Is this seat taken?” works just fine.
72. If two people’s bodies are close together and their voices seem quiet, assume they are discussing something they want to keep private. Not a good time to jump in.
73. Study TV—especially shows on Disney that are meant for teens/tweens. Watch the way characters dress to get ideas of what’s popular. Notice that they ask questions of each other to keep conversations going.
74. Just because something is the most important thing to you right now, doesn’t mean it is the most important thing of all.
75. Don’t wake someone who is sleeping because you have a question or need something. Wait until everyone is awake.
76. Speak, don’t scream. No one listens to yelling. Everyone listens to whispers.
77. It’s impolite to invite yourself to someone’s house or party.
78. Leave drawers and cabinet doors closed, unless they are yours.
79. Very little in the world is actually “never” or “always.” Try to avoid the words.
80. Before you speak or write, imagine the picture you want to make the other person see with your words. Give the information they need to “see” what you do (who, where, number, color, when).
81. Spacing off and thinking look alike. Say, “I’m thinking about what I want to say,” if you need time, otherwise other people think you’re not paying attention.
82. If you know you will need some else’s help, give plenty of notice. They probably have other commitments besides helping you and can’t drop everything else right away.
83. OHIO: Only Handle It Once. You have a lot to remember, and when you forget, you send the message that other people’s feelings don’t matter to you. Act. The first time you read an email, get a voicemail, or become aware of a task you have to do—DO something right away: Handle it now. Delete/trash it. Prioritize it to a “finish by” bulletin board and set a calendar alarm to remind you when it’s due.
84. It’s OK to not know, but it’s not OK to not try.
85. Everything gets easier. I promise.
Practice Sessions
Now that you’ve read through the (Secret) Rule Book, it’s time to see those NT expectations in action. You’re about to watch six social situations unfold. Sometimes, things will go smoothly. Other times, different choices might’ve worked out better. Consider what decisions you’d make, and why.
As you read, you also want be sure to watch out for our three notorious Aspie pitfalls:
• mind-blindness (not considering other perspectives)
• impulsivity (talking or acting without thinking of the consequences)
• black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking (AKA being uncooked spaghetti).
OK, fellow Aspies, I know you’re ready for this. Sit back, watch what happens, and think about the options. Ask: what went well, what could’ve been better—and how will you handle the same kind of situations in your life?
#1 The Main Idea
Post-Game Wrap-Up: What went well, and what could’ve been better?
Good: The host greeted his guest at the door and invited her in—good start.
Needs Improvement: His correction about the “family members” wasn’t necessary (triple-filter!) and may have even embarrassed his guest. More importantly, as the host, it is his job to introduce his mom and brother to his friend (and vice versa) by name, not to leave her to ask.
Also, if someone hasn’t been in a place you know well (like your house), you should escort them clearly—never turn your back and let them feel lost. “Come along to the dining room with me, and then I could get you a drink if you’d like,” would’ve made the guest feel certain where she should be and altogether welcome in an unfamiliar environment.
#2 Pick and Choose
Post-Game Wrap-Up: What went well, and what could’ve been better?
Good: Everything! The New Girl wanted to choose friends based on her own experiences with them, rather than what other people had to say. She took a big (but smart) risk. She publicly stuck up for someone who felt pretty badly about himself, and remembered that it’s the quality—not the quantity—of friends we have that matters most.
Needs Improvement: Nothing. Except Her Royal Highness the Queen Bee’s lousy attitude.
#3 Police Officer
Post-Game Wrap-Up: What went well, and what could’ve been better?
Good: This Asperchick cares about her activity, about showing respect for her instructor, and is working hard at what she does.
Needs Improvement: There is already an authority figure present; in the studio, it’s the teacher. If other kids continue to goof off, he will (eventually) correct them. Aspergirl’s job is to work on her moves, not to be the “police officer” and tell other kids what to do or not to do (which also tells the teacher she doesn’t count on him to run the show).
If the bad behavior continues without being corrected, she’d have every right (self-advocacy) to go to the instructor after class—privately—and (without naming names) “speak in sandwiches” (see mini-chapter 15). Mention that their lessons mean so much to her, and that she has a hard time concentrating when other stud
ents goof off between drills. This way the teacher maintains his authority (and pride), the kids haven’t been called out in public by a peer, and she gets the kind of class she deserves.
#4 Stood Up
Post-Game Wrap-Up: What went well, and what could’ve been better?
Good: A whole lot went right here! Both kids made plans with a friend ahead of time; they were also both honest with each other about their feelings (all kinds of feelings: anger, self-doubt, fear, frustration, relief, happiness). The result was that both friends had the chance to express themselves and be heard—she didn’t jump to conclusions that her friend was trying to embarrass or ditch her, and talked TO her friend, not ABOUT her friend to others. In turn, he got a good lesson into how his behavior affects others. Then, a sincere apology was offered and accepted. This is GOOD stuff, not to mention a great reminder that “one mistake does not a friendship break.”
Needs Improvement: Our buddy forgot that other people’s plans might be depending on him. By neglecting to tell his friend that he’d changed his mind about going, he really messed up her evening. The key to any good relationship is communication. No one else knows what you want, think or feel unless you say so—and it’s up to you to say so! After all, it’s unfair for others to miss out or be inconvenienced because you haven’t been clear or forthright (and vice versa).
#5 Busy Body
Post-Game Wrap-Up: What went well, and what could’ve been better?
Good: Our Aspie friend did ask for help—that’s important.
Needs Improvement: Remember—a busy body means a busy mind. The teacher wasn’t ignoring our friend, who certainly shouldn’t give up on asking for help; Mr. Jones’s body language (hands in hair) was saying he was frustrated and overwhelmed. Look around! There was a lot going on: shouting, fires, spills, explosions! Mr. Jones was really busy and probably never even heard the question about test tubes. This would have been a great time for Asperguy to ask someone else for help, keep looking for a solution on his own, or wait for things to calm down before adding any other demands for the teacher’s attention.
#6 Sweet Melody
Post-Game Wrap-Up: What went well, and what could’ve been better?
Good: This Aspergirl recognized she was “catastrophizing.” Before letting her thoughts and emotions run wild, she checked back in, reviewing what was actually said versus what her insecurities “heard.” She knew she could trust her teacher—so it wasn’t likely the suggestions were meant to be hurtful. They were meant to be helpful. Best of all, she even thanked her teacher for the constructive feedback and promised to use the suggestions to improve her work.
Needs Improvement: Nothing! Great job all around. With this attitude, this Aspie will be the “hit of the show.”
Stick a Fork in It—We’re Done
AKA The Conclusion
Ladies and Gentlemen, you’ve done it. From “Sticky Note” reminders to Asperkid Logic, The (Secret) Book of Social Rules can officially go in your “been there, read that” pile. But before you close the covers, I just have two more important stories to run by you.
The first has to do with one of my all-time favorite TV comedies, The Big Bang Theory. For those of you who haven’t watched it (they have over 20 million Facebook fans), Big Bang Theory (BBT) has truly turned geek into chic. It’s the story of four brilliant young research scientists, their love of super-heroes and technology, and total confusion at all things social. Suddenly, at least on TV, “quirky” is cool. Since BBT’s debut, online creativity havens like Pinterest and Etsy have even begun to proudly feature “geekery” as a (crazy-popular) product category.
The show’s most beloved character is the oh-so-obviously-Aspie, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. A 30-ish theoretical physicist, Sheldon is brilliant, has no concept of private/public information, proudly speaks fluent Klingon, wears only vintage super-hero T-shirts, has a designated “spot” where he MUST sit on the couch, is utterly confused by sarcasm, has anxiety attacks when his routine changes and doesn’t understand social norms. Sound familiar to anyone? The best part of his Geeky Pride, though, is that the audience truly laughs with him—because we know (underneath his “rude” speech or lack of empathy) Sheldon’s not a bad person. That’s something I wish the world understood about all of us.
Last week, I was watching a BBT episode with my Asperhubbie—while sitting in my regular couch spot, eating my regular snack food—when, oddly, Sheldon began to offer his roommate some social advice. Sheldon explained that he had thought “typical people’s” social behavior was without logic or reason, until he watched their interactions more closely. On anthropological study, he discovered that their behavior wasn’t random—it was organized into regular patterns and governed by “non-optional social conventions.” My husband burst out laughing. “Oh my goodness!” he shouted. “Sheldon read your Rule Book!”
I wish! The fact is, though, that we Aspies do need to have social patterns illustrated and explained to us. Heck, Sheldon even developed a scientific flowchart, called the “Friendship Algorithm,” to make new friends. It’s such a comic masterpiece that practically every T-shirt website now carries some version of the “Friendship Algorithm.” Why tell you all of this? Two reasons. First, because as I promised, when you can take a step outside of your own perspective, we Aspies are darned funny people. So laugh along with the millions of others who adore Sheldon. And second, because if there weren’t a whole lot of people out there just like you and me, do you honestly think there would be a primetime show about Aspie quirkiness or that it would be loved all over the world? No way. We, my fellow Aspies, may not be as typical, but we’re far from alone.
There will be some days that you feel you are alone, though. I know. I understand. And that brings me to my second, and last, important story in this book. My dad, an Aspie, used to buy four or five greeting cards for every birthday or holiday—he couldn’t express his emotions well, so he gathered enough of other people’s pre-written words until they combined to form the bigger message he felt.
Feelings are tough for Aspies to nail down and communicate. In this NT world, we may talk and talk, but rarely do we feel understood. Enter…your theme song. You heard me. A theme song. During the late 1990s, a television show called Ally McBeal was all the rage. While I didn’t really like it, there was one point I agreed with: everyone needs a theme song to make you feel better when the world gets you down. Now, it may be that in real life (as opposed to TV life), what you actually need is an entire playlist; moods and circumstances do change. But that’s in the details.
Look: you’ve read this book. Great start. If you want it to really work for you, though—if you want to feel comfortable in your Aspie skin AND that you can speak some version of “Social-ease,” you’re going to need to read it again. And again. And you’re going to need something to keep you moving when you feel you can’t. Your theme song.
While you think about what your theme song should be, let me offer you mine. It’s been my favorite song since I was about ten years old; it lifts me up, and it is, I hope, the legacy I leave with you: “Lean On Me” (the Club Nouveau version—download it and think of me). When the world has left you feeling tired or scared, unwanted or empty—you can lean on me. Lean on my pick-yourself-up-and-brush-yourself-off moments. Lean on the words in this book you’re holding. I will be your friend when you feel alone—every time you grab this book, I will be there to help you move forward. Go out in the world. Try. Mess up. Try again. Be the quirky, unique, fabulous Aspie you’re meant to be. Make this world better, funnier, kinder. Be silly, be intense. Be scared. Be brave. Be defiant. Be curious. And always, always, always—for all of us, Aspies—be glad, be proud. Be you.
Resources You Will Actually WANT to Use. Really
Because the more you know—the more you know.
For You…
We’ve talked about the hidden power of the words “manners, “lady,” and “gentleman.” By now, you know I’m not going to send you to Grandma’s
Miss Manners all of a sudden. These sources will give you the really particular details that we didn’t cover, like arguing over the TV remote, managing “toiletiquette,” flirting, and telling a friend his fly is open. They’ll also help you explore things like friendship levels and flexible thinking in even more depth.
In Print
American Girl Library social books: Middleton, WI: American Girl
• Criswell, P.K. (2006) Friends: Making Them and Keeping Them.
• Criswell, P.K. (2008) A Smart Girl’s Guide to Friendship Troubles.
• Criswell, P.K. (2008) Stand Up for Yourself and Your Friends.
• Criswell, P.K. (2011) A Smart Girl’s Guide to Knowing What to Say.
• Madison, L. (2010) The Care and Keeping of You Collection.
• Phillips, B.W. (2009) Oh Brother!…Oh Sister!: A Sister’s Guide to Getting Along.
• Timmons, B. (2005) Yikes! A Smart Girl’s Guide to Surviving Tricky, Sticky, Icky Situations.
• Zelinger, L. (2012) A Smart Girl’s Guide to Liking Herself—Even on the Bad Days.
Bridges, J. (2006) 50 Things Every Young Gentleman Should Know. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.
Cleary, N. (2001) The Art and Power of Being a Lady. New York: Atlantic Monthly Press.
Packer, A.J. (1997) How Rude!: The Teenagers’ Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out. St. Louis, MO: Turtleback School and Library Binding.