First Kiss Last

by Sara Miller

  “Leah . . .”

  Cade’s tone was so gentle, she couldn’t handle it. She started to cry.

  “Leah?” his brow furrowed.

  When she didn’t reply, he shook her slightly.

  “Leah!” His confusion changed to frustration.

  She knew his anger was soon to follow, but she couldn’t stop what her refusal had set in motion. He had every right to be mad at her. Everything she ever wanted was right in front of her. But she was still shaking her head.

  “Leah, what the hell?” Cade disengaged from her and stood.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she wept. She’d finally gotten words out, but they were not the right ones. They didn’t help.

  “You said you love me,” he paced back and forth. “You said it was over and you were leaving him!”

  “I do love you. I do! But—”

  Cade snapped the ring box closed. It made a startlingly loud noise in the darkness. He looked at the box with contempt before throwing it across the room. When that was not enough of a release of his anger, he punched the wall.

  “Dammit, Leah. I bought that ring in real life. In. Real. Life. You told me this was real. You told me you love me. You fucking promised!”

  Leah was not afraid of him. No matter how angry he got or how many fights he had picked at school, she’d never been afraid of him. She got up and tried to go to him but he backed away.

  “At least tell me why. Maybe it’s something we can work through. I swear Leah, I love you that much. I’ll wait for however long things take with Eric—”

  But Leah was shaking her head again. She couldn’t stop telling him “no.”

  Cade broke.

  Leah watched the strongest man she knew crumble to the floor and weep. She’d done this to him. This was all her fault. She had broken both their hearts. She wanted to comfort him. She wanted to somehow make them right again. She kneeled in front of him and tried to reach out to him.

  Cade looked up sharply, “Don’t.”

  His blue eyes had gone so dark, she pulled her hand back as if she’d been scalded. She’d never seen him look at her this way before. It was terrifying.

  “I don’t know how this dream thing works,” his voice was now devoid of emotion. “I’ve never known. You just come and go.”

  He stood up before adding, “You can leave now.”

  With those parting words, he turned, walked to his bedroom, and shut the door.

  Leah heard the lock click.

  She remained on the floor. She cried until the Christmas lights dimmed and darkness claimed her.

  Chapter 29

  Leah woke to a soft knock at her bedroom door. She felt groggy, like she had slept too long. Memories of her dream and real life slammed together and she felt sick to her stomach.

  “Leah?”

  It was Lily’s voice. Lily was at the apartment. Why? The door opened and her sister came in.

  “Leah?” she tried again. “Eric asked me to come check on you. He said you haven’t gotten up in two days. It’s Christmas Eve. Are you sick?”

  Leah shook her head even though she did feel sick. But she didn’t want to explain.

  “I’m ok—”

  “The hell you are!” Eric had followed Lily in without Leah realizing and they spoke in unison.

  Lily gave a weak laugh. “Give us a minute,” Lily nodded toward the door and Eric left.

  “Lily, I’m fine. I can’t explain right now but I need to talk to Eric first. That’s all I can tell you.”

  “Is it the dreams? Is that why you’ve been sleeping?”

  “No.” She gave a strangled laugh that sounded close to a sob.

  “But if it’s not the dreams and you aren’t sick . . .” Lily still fought to understand.

  “Well, maybe I was a little sick. But I’m okay now. Look, I’m getting up. I’m fine.” She wobbled as she stood. “I’m going to take a shower and then get something to eat. ’Cause I’m fine,” she repeated.

  Lily looked skeptical.

  “Pinky-swear!” Leah offered her pinky finger to her sister in the childish gesture, hoping Lily would relax. Lily still looked concerned, but she nodded and headed out the door.

  Leah emerged an hour later. She was squeaky clean and wearing fresh clothes. Eric sat in the living room and Lily was stirring something on the stove.

  “Mmm. That smells so good,” Leah was in earnest. The scent smelled like home.

  “Gigi’s homemade chicken and noodles. With mashed potatoes.”

  Lily had made Leah’s absolute favorite comfort food. It wasn’t their usual Christmas Eve take-out food but it was suddenly exactly what Leah wanted. Her mouth watered.

  Leah moved to the cupboard and took down three wide but shallow black bowls. Lily shook her head.

  “If you are really okay, I’m going to take off. It’s Christmas Eve,” she sounded apologetic.

  “Oh my goodness, Lily, yes! Get home to Robert and the girls! We’ll see you tomorrow.” She wrapped her sister in a hug, then pushed her out the door.

  “So you really are okay? You scared the crap out of me.” Eric’s tone was hard for her to read.

  “I had a lot on my mind and I don’t know if I just shut down or if I also caught a bug or what. I just needed to sleep I guess. But I do feel better,” she shrugged. It was the best answer she could think of.

  Leah busied herself dishing up food. She held a bowl toward Eric and when he nodded, she filled his too. They sat together at the counter eating chicken and noodles over mashed potatoes.

  “I really do feel better,” Leah announced honestly this time as she finished her meal.

  “That’s good,” Eric nodded, pushing his half eaten food around in his bowl.

  “You aren’t hungry?”

  “It’s a lot of carbs.”

  Leah’s face fell. Why couldn’t this man like any part of anything she did? Why did this have to be so hard?

  “It’s good, babe. Really good. It’s just a lot. I loved it though.”

  Leah thought he just might be telling the truth so she relaxed and smiled. Eric smiled back. When the silence became too much, Leah got up and moved to the couch, throwing a light blanket over her lap. Eric followed and sat at the other end.

  “It’s really Christmas Eve?” she couldn’t wrap her head around how much time she’d lost.

  “Yup. For a few more hours anyway.”

  “Wait. What time is it?” Leah looked at the dark window in confusion.

  “Almost eight o’clock.”

  “Wow.” Leah did not know what else to say.

  “So . . .” he began, “You feel up to exchanging presents?”

  “Sure,” she moved to the floor by the tree. Eric joined her, just like they always did.

  Leah watched Eric open his gifts. He liked the gym clothes and the DVD set as she expected. He scoffed at the candies but opened them and ate one right away. He offered the box to her and she helped herself.

  Last year he’d fed it to her. What a difference a year can make. What a difference a couple days can make. She shook her head and clamped down on her thoughts.

  “Your turn,” Eric handed her a small package first. She opened a nice pair of winter gloves.

  “Yours looked a little worn when we went shopping,” he shrugged. “Open the others, they’re better.”

  She opened a baking cookbook completely devoted to breads. Then she opened the softest, prettiest pajama set she had ever seen. His gifts were perfect but Leah was confused.

  “Eric, these are great gifts, thank you . . .”

  “But?” He must have been able to hear it in her voice.

  “But you hate me making carbs in the house. And you’ve never been a fan of PJ sets. So I’m confused.”

  “These things make you happy, right?”

  She nodded and he continued.

  “For the last seven years, I’ve watched the vibrant girl I fell for disappear. I tried to make a happy life for us but t
he last couple of months I’ve realized I was being selfish and trying to make things how I wanted them. I realized why we were both so unhappy: I’d crushed your spirit.”

  Leah wasn’t sure “crushed” was exactly right but she understood his point. She half-shrugged, half-nodded.

  “So for your real Christmas gift, I wanted to give you you back.”

  “Thus these gifts,” she finally understood.

  “Partly, there’s one more thing.”

  Eric grabbed a packet of papers from the coffee table. She hadn’t even noticed they were there.

  “W-what is it?” Her heart raced and pounded loudly in her chest as her brain registered a law office label.

  Eric sucked in a deep breath and spoke. “A divorce. Leah, I love you but I’m not in love with you and you still have time to find someone who wants the same life you do.”

  He was doing this now? On Christmas Eve? When they had plans to go to her sister’s tomorrow? Not now, her mind begged. Not after the last dream. Not after what she had done. Dream reality and real life crashed together. The panic returned. She couldn’t breathe.

  “Leah?”

  She could not form thoughts or words. Leah looked at the envelope and back at her husband.

  “Leah!” He shook her like Cade had shook her. “Leah, I thought you’d want this too. It’s a good settlement. I promise. The lawyers said I was too generous but I just want us both to be happy. Leah, please, say something.”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  “No.”

  “Yes.”

  “Whose is it?” Eric demanded.

  “What the actual fuck, Eric. It’s yours. Remember, you and me three months ago? Right before you moved into the spare room? Why are you shaking your head no?”

  “I . . . I . . .”

  “You what?” Leah was exasperated. “Tell me!” she heard herself yelling.

  “Back when I found out you were pregnant and your Mom was yelling at me and you were looking at me like—like I don’t know what, I panicked.”

  “I don’t understand.” Eric’s going back to the beginning of their story worried her. The ashen look on his face frightened her even more. There was something scary coming.

  “You know I never wanted kids but I don’t think you ever truly believed it, did you?”

  Leah shrugged and shook her head. He’d said the words before but he had married her. They’d tried to conceive. So she guessed she hadn’t really believed him. She’d assumed a child of his own would be different.

  “I did you wrong, Leah. I’ve lied to you. I prayed you’d never find out. But you are forcing my hand. I’m gonna ask you one more time, whose baby is it?”

  “It’s yours, Eric, it has to be yours!” Leah refused to even consider the alternative. It wasn’t possible. It wasn’t!

  “I had a vasectomy. And I’ve had it checked every year to make sure it’s still working. My last check was in November, Leah. It cannot be my baby.”

  Leah’s world spun and turned upside down. Her blood pounded in her ears and she saw spots. Everything went black.

  “Leah?” Eric’s voice was soft and gentle. He sounded far away. She opened her eyes and saw the ceiling. She was lying on the couch.

  “How could you?” Leah squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t want to see his face. “Month after month, test after test. You let me feel broken and inferior. You lied to me. You said your sperm count test came back normal!” Now she did look at him. She struggled to sit up. When he tried to assist her, she smacked his hand away. “Please do not touch me right now.”

  “My test was normal . . . for me.”

  “When?”

  “Right after you told me. Before I even proposed to you.” He hung his head and his shoulders dropped.

  “All this time.” Leah could not wrap her brain around it.

  “I’m sorry. For your sake. I did what was right for me. But I’ve hurt you so badly and for that I am sorry.”

  “But it has to be yours,” she repeated stupidly. She had wrecked things with Cade. All to raise her child with Eric. And now—

  “We’ll keep the divorce as I have it. No one has to know. So long as you do not name me that child’s father. You know I’m not.”

  Leah got up. She had to get out. She could not be here any longer. She was done.

  “Okay,” she nodded. “Okay.” She moved around in a fog. Grabbing things that were hers.

  “What are you doing?” Eric followed her, hovering.

  “I need to leave.”

  “Leah, it’s Christmas Eve, you’ve had a terrible shock. Maybe you should—”

  “I should what, Eric? You know best. You decide all the things. What should I do?”

  Eric held up his hands and backed away. He looked as rattled as she felt. She could not deal with his emotions. She had enough of her own.

  Leah picked up the divorce papers and headed off to her room to pack. She changed into real clothes and got to work. When she had the last seven years of her life nearly packed up, Leah grabbed her phone and called the only person who made sense.

  “Robert?”

  “Leah, what’s wrong?” his tone was alarmed. She didn’t blame him. It was an hour before midnight on Christmas Eve.

  “I’m sorry to bother you . . .”

  “It’s okay. What’s—”

  “Leah? Honey, what’s wrong?” Lily’s voice interrupted.

  Dammit. Robert must have put her on speaker phone.

  “It’s over. Can you come get me and my stuff. I can’t. I can’t be here.” She started to cry again.

  “On my way.” Robert hung up before Lily could say anything.

  Of course, Lily immediately called back on her own phone. Leah sent it to voicemail and texted her sister.

  I can’t. Not now.

  We got you.

  Leah sent back a heart emoji and stuffed her phone in her back pocket.

  Robert made amazing time. Leah did not want to think of him speeding but she was so glad he was here. Eric helped Robert carry things out. It was a hodge-podge of luggage, a couple boxes, a few totes and garbage bags. Packing on the fly was not easy.

  When Leah went to lift a heavy box of books, Eric stopped her.

  “Here, let me. You shouldn’t—” He eyed Robert and did not complete his sentence.

  “Why shouldn’t she?” Robert sounded like he was spoiling for a fight.

  “Does he know?” Eric asked her. She shook her head.

  “Know what?” Robert demanded. He stood in front of Leah in full big-brother mode. He turned to her. “Leah, are you okay? Are you sick or hurt? Did he hurt you?”

  “No, it’s not that. I’m okay. Just pregnant.” She was numb to the word and saying it did not make it feel more real.

  Robert rounded on Eric but Eric held up his hands and backed off, “Hey, don’t look at me!” Eric probably would have been okay if he stopped there. But he smirked in his typical cocky fashion and Robert punched him in the face.

  “Is that all your stuff?” Robert asked, flexing his hand.

  Leah nodded, eyeing Eric rubbing his jaw. She could not believe that just happened.

  “Okay, let’s go before I hit him again.”

  For the first time in days, Leah laughed.

  Eric followed them outside at a safe distance. He looked like he wanted one last word. Leah put down the window. She stared at her soon-to-be ex-husband. What could he say that hadn’t already been said?

  “I’m sorry, babe. I really am.” He looked sincere.

  “I am too.” She pushed the button and the window rose, closing him out of her life. Eric put his hand to the glass and she put hers against it for a few seconds before returning it to her lap.

  And just like that, it was over.

  Robert put the van in drive. In the side mirror, she watched Eric get smaller and smaller until he disappeared into the darkness. Robert drove in silence for several blocks before he spoke.

  “Want to talk
about it?”

  “If I tell you, can you tell Lily for me so I don’t have to keep repeating it?”

  “I’ll tell her. I can’t promise she won’t have questions.”

  “Fair enough,” she laughed wryly. They both knew her sister well. “At least for tonight?”

  “Deal,” Robert chuckled.

  “You know how I decided to leave Eric? Well, I found out a couple days ago that I’m pregnant. I assumed I was stuck with him again. That’s pretty much why I went comatose for the last two days. I kind of shut down to avoid dealing. It didn’t work.”

  She saw Robert nod. Leah liked telling Robert instead of Lily; he just listened.

  “And tonight, we exchanged Christmas gifts tonight like we always do.” She caught herself and corrected her previous statement. “Like we always did. Past tense. Because we won’t anymore because he gave me a divorce for Christmas. ‘So we can both be happy,’ he said.” Leah scoffed and swiped at a tear. “I told him I was pregnant. He told me he’d had a vasectomy. We—oof!”

  Robert slammed on the breaks and pulled over.

  “He what? When?”

  “Before he even married me. He really did not want kids.”

  “Fuckin’ A.” Robert never swore. He also never punched people, yet his knuckles were still red.

  “How’s your hand?”

  Robert looked at his hand, then back to her. He smiled sheepishly.

  “It’s fine. Kinda cool, right? Wish I’d known why I was hitting him. I’d have done it twice or nailed him in the balls instead. Not the sort of thing I’d normally do to another guy but seriously, a vasectomy? Lily told me about your infertility and all this time he knew? That selfish bastard.”

  “Yup. I was so clueless. He poured thousands of dollars into fertility treatments he knew would never work. Let’s go back, now I want to kick him.” She kicked the van instead.

  Robert laughed and headed back on the road. They were quiet for a while but Leah knew the question would come eventually.