First Kiss Last

by Sara Miller

  “So . . .” Robert looked awkward. “How do I ask you this?”

  Leah offered him no help.

  “Are you seeing someone else?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Do you know who the father is?”

  “Robert, I don’t want you to think badly of me. I thought I was faithful to my husband, at least in this one regard. I know that probably doesn’t make sense but I honest to God believed this baby was Eric’s until a couple hours ago.”

  “And he can prove that it’s not?”

  “He says yes, medical proof. He said he offered me a generous divorce settlement because he felt guilty for lying to me all these years and it’s all mine so long as I don’t try to claim him as the father. ’Cause then he said he’ll fight and win.”

  “And the real father?”

  “I won’t talk about him. Please don’t ask again. And tell Lily that too. If I’m ever ready, I’ll come to you guys. Okay?”

  “Okay by me. Lily, well . . .” he shrugged. “But regardless, we got you, Leah.”

  Chapter 30

  Three months later, Leah and Eric’s divorce was finalized. Being uncontested, it went through seamlessly. It still felt surreal.

  Leah moved in with Lily and Robert. Her nieces loved having her around all the time. She kept her job and commuted to work, carrying on as normally as possible.

  But nothing felt normal. She loved the baby growing inside her but it was also bittersweet. Watching her bump grow larger and larger boggled her mind. A tiny person was growing inside her. A tiny person conceived in a dream? That should not be possible.

  There had been small signs along the way that should have warned her that dreams and reality were not as far apart as she thought. Her pajamas disappearing, the scrape on her hand, the crayon in her pocket. They all spoke to something much bigger than a shared dream.

  Leah marveled at the magic of it all.

  She carried a piece of Cade she could keep forever.

  It made her so happy and yet there was a depth of sadness to it. Each new stage brought her both joy and grief. Leah kept the grief to herself as best she could.

  Lily continued to ask about the baby’s father and Leah continued to deflect. What good would it do to name him? Cade hated her. There was no overcoming this. She was sure because she no longer dreamed. Or more accurately, she only had one dream and it kept repeating. It was just her and a locked door. She could not get through.

  So Leah worked during the week. She went to her doctor’s appointments and she shopped for the baby. She spent weekends with her family. Sometimes she would babysit the girls so Robert and Lily could go out. Other times she tried to make herself scarce so Robert and Lily would have time alone with their daughters.

  All in all, things were good. She was surrounded by people who loved and supported her. Even more importantly, her baby was strong and healthy. Leah put her hands to her baby belly and rubbed absentmindedly.

  “Is the baby kicking, Aunt Leah?” Emmie was fascinated by Leah’s growing belly.

  “Not right now.”

  “Oh,” Emmie looked disappointed.

  “I’ll let you feel it next time though, how’s that?”

  Emmie smiled and nodded eagerly.

  “I think it’s a girl,” she said confidently. “Because boys are always kicking things!”

  Leah couldn’t help but laugh.

  “At school my friend’s mom had a baby and they knew what it was. They had a big party and busted a giant balloon and pink exploded out of it. That’s how she knew she was getting a sister. How come we don’t know?”

  “Because I told the doctor I wanted to be surprised.”

  “But why? We could have a party! And buy all the things you’ll need in the right color! And pick a name!” Emmie was clearly a planner. Either that or she’d been listening to her mother.

  Lily entered the room looking guilty. Yup, she was busted.

  “Right Mom? Aunt Leah should find out. You said so!”

  Leah eyed her sister and waited patiently to see how Lily would try to dig herself out of this hole. She laughed as Lily floundered.

  “Well,” Lily tried and failed then began again. “I did say that, Em but it’s Aunt Leah’s baby and she gets to decide even though we really, really, really want to know.” Lily fake pouted and Emmie joined her.

  “You two are pathetic!” Leah laughed and they joined her.

  “It was worth a try!” Lily shrugged, still chuckling. “Anywho, I was gonna run out for groceries. I hate going on Saturdays but I have time, so I might as well get it done. Do we need anything?”

  Leah considered for a moment. She had been doing most of the cooking for the last couple months.

  “Just what’s on the list.”

  “Really? No pickles or ice cream or any pregnancy cravings? Come on!” Lily teased.

  “I’m good. Oof!” She rubbed her belly.

  “Is it kicking?!” Emmie squealed.

  “No, but feel this.” Leah took the little girl’s hand and put it on her belly. “Can you feel that?”

  “It’s like . . . tap . . . tap . . . tap!” Emmie’s eyes were round.

  “Hiccups,” Lily supplied. “You did that in my belly too, Emmie.” The little girl’s mouth opened, forming an O. She looked back and forth in wonder between her mother and aunt.

  “I did?” she whispered. Her mom nodded. “Did Allison?”

  “Nope. Allison did more kicking. I was also sick a lot more with her.”

  “Whoa.”

  Leah and Lily watched silently as Emmie processed all this new information. After several long moments, Lily spoke.

  “Okay, Emmie, go get your sister and your jacket. Time to go.”

  “Aw, Mom . . .” Emmie whined.

  “Allison!” Lily called and her oldest daughter came running. “Get your jacket, we’re going to the grocery store.”

  “Aw, Mom . . .” Allison whined exactly the same way as her sister. “But we wanted to go to the park!” Emmie stood by her sister in solidarity. Her head bobbed in agreement.

  “I can take them to the park,” Leah offered.

  Lily frowned. “Leah, you don’t have to. We don’t want to take advantage of you, do we girls?”

  Leah thought that’s exactly what the girls wanted to do. Their angelic faces were pleading. So she insisted, “But I want to.”

  Lily did not look convinced.

  “I need some fresh air.“ Leah tried a new approach.

  “Go use the bathroom and then get your jackets,” Lily told the girls.They left the room, uncertain if they’d won.

  Leah got to her feet. She could still get up unassisted but she knew it was no longer a graceful movement. She laughed at herself as she stretched.

  “Dang, Leah! You are like a fertility goddess. Boobs, belly, hips . . . seriously. How do you look so good? I’m so jealous. I never looked that good,” Lily sighed.

  “I feel fat and awkward, if that helps.” She didn’t like discussing her body, so she returned to their previous discussion. “I really would like to take the girls to the park. I need to get out and move, stretch my legs.”

  “Okay, fine. But they’ll want to go to the new one. At the Civic Center that opened last fall. Where we had that picnic.”

  “Oh sure. I remember where that is.” Leah looked forward to the change of scenery.

  “Going there won’t bother you?”

  “No. Why would it?” Leah was puzzled.

  “You know . . . ’cause last time we were there, um . . .”

  “Eric was there too?” Leah offered and Lily nodded. “Lily, you can say his name.” But her sister only shrugged.

  Leah remembered the picnic. It didn’t bother her too much to think of past events with Eric. It was what it was and now it wasn’t. She truthfully didn’t miss him. She was livid he had lied to her but she had made a conscious choice to release both him and the anger from her life. Leah liked her new life better. We
ll, mostly.

  “Are you sure?” Lily gave her one more out.

  “Girls!” Leah shouted, “Anyone want to go to the park with me?”

  Allison and Emmie appeared on the scene jumping and flailing. Leah smiled triumphantly. That settled that.

  Lily shook her head, grabbed her purse and the grocery list then headed out the door. The girls cheered again and Leah laughed. Her nieces were something else. They tried to pull her to the door.

  “I have to pee, then we can go,” she promised. The girls groaned but waited as patiently as they could.

  ♦

  The park was just as she remembered it, except it was spring instead of fall. The warm temperatures at the end of March had melted the last bits of snow. Leah saw sprigs of bright green everywhere she turned. Spring always filled her with hope and this year was no exception.

  Leah watched her nieces as they ran between different pieces of playground equipment. She walked from the slide to the climbing wall and back again. Following them tired her out quicker than she expected. She was able to give each of them a couple pushes on the swings before she knew she had to rest.

  “Okay girls, I need to sit,” she confessed.

  “We have to leave already?” Allison expressed her feelings loud and clear. Emmie’s face was more torn between care for her aunt and disappointment.

  “No,” she assured them. “I just need to sit. I can watch from . . .” she searched for and found a nearby bench. “I’ll be right there,” she pointed. “Try to stay where you can see me, okay? If you can’t see me, I can’t see you. Got it?”

  Both girls quickly agreed and took off running toward the slides. But Emmie stopped and turned back.

  “Thanks, Aunt Leah!” She gave her a quick hug then dashed off.

  Leah’s heart felt full. Emmie was such a sweetheart.

  As she sat on the bench, she scanned for the girls. Both smiled and waved. She waved back.

  One of the other children also waved. A little boy, high up in a tower. Leah’s smile faltered but she returned the wave out of habit.

  The little boy reminded her of Liam. Her heart hurt. She wished she could have had it all. She realized this park did bring back memories, just not the one Lily referenced.

  Remembering Eric did not bother her. Remembering what happened in her dreams after being at this park was a different story. Remembering that dream hurt. The one where she had met Cade for coffee. Where she had kissed him, finally, after all these years.

  Her eyes tearing, Leah strained to focus to see her nieces. Her brain registered the bright purple jackets they wore. She breathed slowly and tried to ground herself. Leah dabbed at her eyes with her sleeve.

  “Hi.”

  The little boy from the tower was in front of her. Sandy blond hair and brown eyes. He looked at her expectantly. Leah blinked several times. His resemblance to Liam was unnerving. Was it Liam? She could not be sure.

  “Hello,” she said back, tentatively.

  “You waved at me,” he informed her. “I was up there.” He pointed to the tower where Allison now stood.

  “My nieces are up there too,” she told him, waving to Allison. He looked from her to the tower again.

  “I think she goes to my school. Do I know you?” he asked, turning his head to the side.

  “I’m not sure,” Leah answered honestly. She really did not know. He looked a lot like her dream Liam and his voice was similar. It felt like meeting someone’s twin for the first time. They might look like your friend but you somehow know they are not.

  The boy nodded and hopped up on the bench next to her. His little legs dangled. She noticed dirty jeans and boots. Not sneakers like most kids would wear to a park. This boy wore brown boots, miniature work boots. Leah’s heart thudded.

  “This is a good park,” he told her.

  “Yes, my nieces love it. I wish I could play too.”

  “You’re too big.” he giggled.

  Leah looked away. He was so much like her Liam . . . She knew it really could be him but didn’t want it to be him. She did not want to meet him in real life. She did not want to open that disturbing door so she turned her attention to making sure she could still see Allison and Emmie.

  “Well,” he smacked his legs like an old man would before getting up. The gesture reminded her of Cade. “I guess I better get back before my—” the smile on his face faded as there was a loud shout.

  “Liam! There you are! You scared the crap outta me!”

  Deep in conversation, Leah had not noticed the girl approaching until she heard the shout. The girl grabbed the boy’s arm and he twisted away.

  “Sheesh, let go! I’m right here. I’m fine!”

  Leah wanted to laugh at his childish logic, but the girl had called him Liam.

  The girl, or more accurately the young woman, was tall. Her long, dark hair was pulled back from her pretty face with a wide fabric headband. She didn’t look exactly like dream-Sky except for her eyes. Skyler’s blue eyes were unnervingly familiar.

  Leah had absolutely no doubt in her mind now that these were Cade’s children.

  She felt instant relief at not being recognized, followed by panic as she searched the park for their father. Thankfully he was nowhere to be seen and there was no black truck in the lot.

  “What are you doing over here?” Sky stared down at her brother, hands on her hips.

  “I was just saying hi.” Liam shrugged and gestured vaguely toward Leah. Leah steeled herself for whatever would come next. Sky’s attention instantly turned toward Leah. Bright blue eyes bore into Leah’s soul.

  “Liam, do you know this person?” she demanded, more angry than the situation warranted, but that was Sky.

  “Um, I thought . . .” his voice faded out.

  “What have I told you about strangers?” She looked so intense.

  Leah knew it was directed at her, not Liam. She’d spat out the word “strangers” as if she wanted to call Leah something much worse.

  “But she waved at me. I was just saying hi.” Liam whined. “It’s okay, see?”

  “Why are you waving at my brother?”

  “I was waving at my nieces,” Leah gestured at the playground and gave a wave. Both girls waved back exaggeratedly. “We exchanged waves too. I was just being friendly, I meant no harm.”

  “Oh. I thought . . .” Liam looked upset, his lower lip slightly trembled.

  Sky’s demeanor instantly changed. “It’s okay, bud,” she got down to his level. “I shouldn’t have yelled. I just wanna keep you safe.” Liam nodded and she hugged him.

  The girl stood and took her brother’s hand to lead him away. She sighed and turned around, “Say goodbye.”

  “Bye,” Liam gave her a little wave and they were off. A few feet away, Liam cast her one last glance over his little shoulder.

  If Leah had to describe the look, it was probably the same look she had: regret.

  Chapter 31

  “How was the park?” Lily asked but continued talking. “Do you have any idea how much easier it is to shop without the girls? I love them to bits, you know I do. But, wow. It’s a night and day difference. I can get a coffee. I can take my time. I can hear myself think. I can check out without finding Barbies and donuts or other things in my cart I didn’t put there. It was an amazing experience!” Lily finally finished, closing her eyes and savoring the moment.

  “I don’t know,” Leah teased, “Donuts actually sound really good.”

  “Mmmm,” Lily agreed, eyes still closed.

  “I’m going to make some,” Leah decided. She needed to distract herself from the encounter at the park.

  “Wait, you know how to make donuts? Like from scratch? Actual donuts?” Lily’s eyes were now open.

  “Yeah,” Leah laughed. “Well, donut holes, to be specific. Gigi taught me.”

  “When? I don’t remember ever having donuts or donut holes at Gigi’s house.”

  Leah shrugged, not sure what to say.
/>   “Seriously, though. I went with you like almost every time. And I don’t know how to make even half the things you do. How did you do it?”

  It felt like a trick question. The answer was simple: she learned it in her dreams. Her dreams were a touchy subject right now though. She did not want to get asked yet again about who fathered her baby.

  “Well, there was the week you were at camp. I was alone with her then.” Leah mentally kicked herself. She should not have brought that up either.

  “Tell me what happened. Please.”

  Lily’s tone was soft and pleading. Leah felt she owed her sister this story. It was about her. And she really had kept a lot from Lily over the years. She still would not talk about Cade, but she could give Lily this.

  Leah got up and started pulling the ingredients she’d need for donut holes out of the cupboards. She needed something to do as she spoke.

  “I dreamt I was with you at camp . . .” Leah flitted through her mind, recalling the memory. She could remember it as clearly as if it was just last week. Dreams seemed to be that way for her. It was how she recalled recipes from her dreams so accurately. “On Thursday, it rained but there was no thunder or lightning, so we all still played outside. It was wet but still incredibly hot out. We did all the things, even swimming, in the rain.” She paused, giving Lily a chance to contradict her but her sister nodded.

  “Then Friday morning, we woke to sunshine. It was so muggy, everything was still damp and wet. After breakfast, scrambled eggs and french toast sticks with strawberry jam instead of syrup and—”

  “How did you know that? Did I tell you?” Lily’s eyes were wide at hearing the details.

  “I was there,” Leah said, sighing.

  Lily shook her head. “You were at Gigi’s,” she insisted.

  “I was. But I dreamed I was with you too.”

  “Hmmm . . . what else did you dream?”

  “After breakfast we were all supposed to have quiet, personal time.”

  Lily nodded, agreeing to the daily routine.

  “But a couple of boys snuck over through the edge of the woods.” Leah watched Lily physically react to that information. Leah had heard Lily retell how she had broken her arm several times over the years, but she never mentioned boys.