First Kiss Last

by Sara Miller

  Cade stared at her. She couldn’t read him.

  “I thought staying away for now was best. Or maybe not best, but . . . well, easier than having this conversation. I was chicken. I was scared you’d reject me too. But then I met the kids at the park. And I love you all so much, I just . . . I took what I could get. I’m so sorry.”

  “Thanks.”

  “For . . . ?” Leah wasn’t sure where he was headed with this. And she was surprised when he sat down on the coffee table in front of her.

  “Thanks for finally telling me. Thanks for protecting the kids from Nicole. I didn’t even realize she was out of jail. I should have paid better attention, but my head has been somewhere else these last few months.”

  “Sorry,” she apologized again since it was her fault he’d been distracted. She did not know what else to say. Leah rubbed her belly and shifted uncomfortably. She looked up and realized Cade’s attention was now fixated on her stomach.

  “It’s really mine?” his voice was uncertain. He continued without giving her time to answer. “How? I mean I know how. But how is it even possible?”

  “You want to ask how?” she asked. “Okay. How did I go to bed wearing pajamas and wake up naked, my clothes nowhere to be found? How did I have message after message from you on my phone with emojis that matched my dreams exactly? How? How can we both remember? How did I still have the crayon from the corn maze? And it’s not just me. How did Liam still have his airplane?” She shook her head. “I can’t answer ‘how?’ I don’t understand how it’s real, Cade, I just know it is.”

  Cade nodded.

  “Same,” he said. “I’d find your pajamas in my bed in the morning. I could smell you on my sheets. Sometimes the cookies you baked would still be in the kitchen. There were little signs of you everywhere. I felt like I was going crazy. But I knew it had to be true.”

  This time, Leah nodded.

  These little details were nothing in comparison to her pregnancy. Leah knew it was a lot to process and tried to give Cade time to catch up. She’d had months and it still boggled her mind that she could get pregnant in a dream. And yet, here they were.

  Cade searched her face, his look unreadable. He was quiet for so long, Leah wondered if she should say something, but honestly didn’t know what else she could say. Instead, she cradled her belly protectively. His gaze drifted to her stomach.

  “It’s really mine?” Cade asked again, this time his voice held a wisp of hope.

  “Ours, yes,” she patted her belly.

  “May I?” he reached out hesitantly.

  She easily agreed and held her breath as Cade caressed their unborn child. Leah saw love on his face. She smiled, hopeful. When he finally raised his eye to hers though, his look was unreadable.

  “Is it a boy or a girl?” he asked. His voice was barely a whisper.

  “I was waiting . . .”

  “Waiting?”

  “I told Lily I wanted to be surprised but the truth is . . .” Leah hesitated.

  “Tell me.”

  “I wanted us to find out together.”

  “Kinda hard with me not knowing about it.” He removed his hands and sat back.

  “I know. Nothing went how I’d planned. I really am sorry. And no matter what, no matter if you walk away and never speak to me again, you need to know—”

  “Fine. Now I know,” he nodded.

  “No. I mean yes, you needed to know about the baby but there’s one more thing.” She rushed on, “I love you, Cade Emerson. I’ve always loved you and I’ll never stop.”

  “Leah, I . . .”

  “You don’t have to say anything right now. Just know I love you. Please,” tears ran down her cheeks. “Please,” she begged.

  He was silent for the longest time.

  “I hear you,” he finally said. He put one hand back to her belly, “I can’t wrap my head around this, hun. It’s really ours?”

  She nodded and waited.

  “He really had a vasectomy? And he never told you? Fuckin’ A. I should kick his ass.”

  Leah could tell Cade meant it. The hand not on her stomach was balled into a fist.

  “That’s what Robert said too. Lily’s husband,” she said.

  “Oh, I remember Robert. But he wouldn’t swear or fight. He was a good guy.”

  “Yeah, he’s still a good guy. He and Lily took me in. I called him at like midnight on Christmas Eve and he came and got me out of Eric’s condo. But on that night, he did swear. And . . . ” she paused for dramatic effect. “He punched Eric in the face.”

  “Now I’d have paid to see that!” Cade laughed lightly for the first time in the conversation.

  “That was pretty much Lily’s reaction too,” she smiled, happy for the shift in mood.

  “I—” Cade started but stopped.

  Leah waited.

  “Truth?” he asked.

  She nodded, both hopeful and terrified.

  “I love you too, Leah but . . . I don’t know where to go from here.”

  “It’s okay, Cade. We have time.”

  His hand was still on her baby bump and she put hers on top and squeezed. Cade allowed the touch for a couple seconds, then removed his hand. He eyed her and her extended abdomen.

  “Just how much time, exactly?”

  His question was clear but Leah’s mind went blank for a second as she tried to figure out what day it was. “About six weeks I think. I don’t have a calendar in front of me. I’m bad with dates,” she apologized.

  “What do you need? What can I do?”

  Leah did not want money or things for the baby. She wanted Cade. She needed him. Him helping but not being with her was going to be a fit punishment.

  “Don’t tell me nothing, hun. I’m . . . I don’t even know what I am. Give me something I can do. Please.”

  “I need a crib.”

  “Done,” he nodded decisively.

  He touched one of the curls in her hair without comment. Cade leaned in and kissed her cheek. Then he got up, turned off the light, and left the room.

  Leah sat in the dark. She felt good to have finally talked to Cade. She also felt unsettled. But, he did still love her. And he wanted to help with the baby. So maybe . . . Leah could not finish the thought. Hoping hurt too much. She closed her eyes and let the dream darkness take her.

  Chapter 42

  “It’s been five weeks,” Lily told her. “Five weeks!”

  “Yup.”

  “You are due in a week.”

  “I know,” Leah assured her sister.

  “One week. That’s seven days. Which could mean any moment.”

  “I know. Or it could mean two weeks. We have everything we need. Stop stressing.”

  “I’m not. And we do not. You don’t have a crib,” Lily paced.

  Leah was attempting to relax on the couch. Her belly was now larger than she could ever have imagined. Her ankles were swollen and her back had hurt all day. She had done nothing and yet she was tired. It was late and the girls were already in bed.

  “I have a bassinet.”

  “Ha! But not a crib!”

  “Lily, sit down, you are making me crazy. You told me the bassinet was all I’d need for weeks. Why the rush?”

  Lily flung herself on the loveseat dramatically. As annoying as she found her sister at this moment, Leah couldn’t help but laugh.

  “Honestly, I thought I was supposed to nest, not you,” Leah teased, hoping to lighten the mood.

  “Just tell me why you won’t pick out a freakin’ crib and I’ll drop it.” Lily eyed her suspiciously.

  “Fine,” Leah sighed. “Cade said he’d take care of the crib.”

  “You talked to Cade?!” Lily’s voice hit a pitch that would make dogs howl.

  “Yes, now drop it.”

  “No more crib talk. Promise,” Lily said.

  Leah did not like the look on her sister’s face. She wished she had not mentioned Cade. He’d been the elephant in the room for weeks an
d up until now, she had managed to avoid it.

  “So . . . you talked to Cade?” Lily asked as casually as she was physically capable. Which was not much.

  Leah laughed again.

  “Yes. Well, kind of. I think,” Leah closed her eyes and wished she had given a better answer.

  “Explain, please.”

  “I talked to him the way I talk to him,” Leah hedged.

  “So you dreamt you talked to him,” Lily frowned. She jumped up and resumed her pacing. “But what if it wasn’t real? What if you didn’t actually talk to him? What if—”

  “Lily!” Robert cut her off.

  Lily and Leah stared at him in surprise. Not only had they not heard him come in the room, but they were startled at his reaction. Leah was not sure what to say so she kept her mouth shut. Lily didn’t.

  “But Robert!”

  “Don’t ‘but Robert’ me. This is their relationship and we need to stay out of it.”

  Leah wanted to thank him but Lily barged ahead. So she silently thanked him.

  “How do we even know they have a relationship if we stay out of it?” her hands were on her hips and Leah was glad it was directed at someone else this time.

  “Because . . .” his gaze shifted from his wife to her and Leah was pretty sure she was about to take her thanks back. “I didn’t stay out of it.”

  “Robert David Matthews,” Lily used his full name.

  “We went out for beers and we talked.”

  “And?” Lily demanded.

  “And he knows. They did talk, I can confirm that—even though I still don’t understand it. He’s taking care of the crib like he promised.”

  Robert went to Lily and put his arms around her. He pulled her back down to the love seat and kissed her. He smiled and spoke gently, “We need to let them do this their way.”

  Lily pouted and her husband kissed her again.

  Leah used the distraction to roll herself off the couch. She made a rather ungraceful exit, but thankfully no one noticed. She rubbed her aching back as she went.

  She really hoped she’d have that with Cade someday. A real-life, true relationship and marriage like Lily and Robert had. But Cade had not called, messaged, or tried to contact her in any way. And there were no more dreams.

  Leah sighed and waddled outside. She was tired but not looking forward to bed. Resting was practically impossible for her now. She was hoping fresh air would help.

  It was a perfect June evening. The sun was setting and the air was warm. Lightning bugs flashed on the other side of the yard.

  She looked at the recently installed porch swing and eyed it woefully. Leah had made that tactical error once and was not about to repeat it. Instead, she sat on the firm bench she knew she could get out of. Not the most comfortable, but safe.

  Leah needed to talk to Cade. She wanted to know what he was thinking and feeling. All that girly stuff. Yet she was forcing herself to respect his space and feelings. It was a continuous internal struggle. She wondered if Cade felt the same way.

  The closer she got to her due date, the more anxious she felt. Not about the baby, but about Cade. She wished . . . Leah could not seem to put her wish into words. So instead, she closed her eyes and just listened to the night sounds around her.

  “Leah?”

  Leah jolted at the sound of Cade’s voice.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Depends. Where is here?” Cade looked around in confusion. For Leah, that answered her question. She should have known him being here was too good to be true. She must have fallen asleep.

  “Robert and Lily’s backyard. Pretty isn’t it? They did a lot of work this spring.” There was just enough light for her to point out a few of the yard’s finer features. “Those bushes and the porch swing and—” she realized she was babbling and stopped.

  “So, why are you sitting there?” Cade tilted his head to the side. “It looks uncomfortable. Why not sit on the porch swing?”

  Leah laughed. “Because I can still get my fat butt up off this bench. The swing,” she grimaced, “not so much. And yes, before you ask, I learned the hard way.”

  “Don’t we all?” he smiled sheepishly.

  She nodded. Cade had always done things the hard way. His life had not been easy. But she liked that about him. She guessed maybe she was the same way, with the way she had mucked things up between them.

  “And you aren’t fat,” he added.

  “Ha!” she scoffed.

  He put out a hand and she took it. Cade ended up having to use both hands to help her to her feet. When she was steady, he released her and then took his fill of her shapely body. Leah was glad it was mostly dark, she hoped he wouldn’t notice her blush.

  “Damn, woman,” from the growl in his voice, Leah knew it was a compliment. She felt warm all over. How could he be attracted to her like this? She shook her head.

  “Seriously, being pregnant is gross. No one tells you that. Everything is either swollen or leaking or both. And I’ve been reading . . . it’s going to get worse before it gets better.”

  “Well, yes, but you are also strong and beautiful. Let’s focus on that instead,” he continued to gaze at her.

  “Oh my goodness, Cade. Stop looking at me like that, I can’t take it!” She batted at him both loving and hating the attention.

  Cade chuckled. He took her hand and led her to the swing.

  “Come sit with me. I’ll help you back up, promise.”

  They sat side-by-side. Closer than Leah expected but she was not going to complain. Cade put one arm around her, his other hand rested lightly on the side of her belly. He rocked them gently.

  They were silent for the longest time. Leah was not going to complain. Being here with Cade, like this . . . was near perfection. There was still a lot left unsaid, but he seemed in a much better head space than when they last spoke. She did not want to break the mood. Leah felt Cade inhale deeply and knew he was about to speak.

  “I miss you something awful, Leah.”

  “I miss you too.”

  “Liam misses you a lot too. Even Sky, but don’t tell her I said so,” he laughed. “We talked, as a family, in real life. I explained best I could.”

  “It’s hard enough for me and I’ve lived with it my whole life.”

  Cade paused the swing.

  “I guess I never realized,” he sounded apologetic.

  “It wasn’t something I talked about.”

  “Because of your mom?”

  Leah nodded and set her head on Cade’s shoulder. He set the swing in motion again and rubbed her belly.

  “Mmm,” she could not help the noise of pleasure that slipped out. Cade stopped and she immediately apologized.

  “Damnit, Leah . . . seeing you like this, being with you like this . . .” he shook his head.

  Cade sounded so frustrated. Leah lifted her head and turned her face to his. It was on her lips to apologize again when he kissed her. Full on the mouth. Cade kissed her like a man who had not kissed his girl in months. She kissed him back just as desperately.

  He’d turned in the seat so he half faced her. His hand continued to explore her belly. When it inadvertently brushed her breasts, she gasped. Damn, her body had missed this man too.

  Cade leaned back a few inches and searched her face. He tucked one of her new shorter locks of hair behind her ear and ran a finger down her cheek.

  “God, you are beautiful. And I like your haircut too.”

  Leah shrugged, self-conscious.

  Cade kissed her lips again.

  “Cade?” she was not sure what she was asking.

  “I don’t even know,” he answered. “But I love you, Leah and I miss you and—”

  “Oh.” Leah cut him off unintentionally. “Oh!” she said again.

  She put her hand next to Cade’s which was still on her belly. Her stomach felt tight and hard. She put her other hand awkwardly to her back.

  “Are you having a contraction?”


  “I don’t know, I’ve never had one before,” she tried to joke.

  “That’s my girl,” he beamed as if he was proud of her. Leah wished this was real life. She wished Cade was with her, that he loved her, that he’d take her to the hospital so they could have their baby. She started to cry.

  “Hey now,” Cade kissed her tears away. “I just need to know one thing.”

  Leah waited to hear what the thing was. She was not sure how much more she could handle.

  “Where is the ring?”

  Whatever she thought he might say or ask, this was not it.

  “Ring?”

  “The engagement ring, love. Where is it?”

  “I haven’t seen it since you threw it,” she answered truthfully.

  “You didn’t take it?” he shook his head.

  “Cade, no. I wouldn’t. I didn’t. I cried on the floor where you left me until the dream ended.”

  “Then where is it? I can’t find it in my dreams or real life.”

  They stared at each other, both deep in thought.

  “I think . . .” Leah wasn’t sure she wanted to say but she proceeded anyway, “I think Sky was in the kitchen. I think she heard us.”

  “Skyler,” Cade sighed. “Yeah, she did seem to know more than I expected. I thought it was because you had talked.”

  “She’d been sneaking Christmas cookies,” Leah smiled, remembering.

  “Now that I believe,” he laughed.

  “She—oh, ow!” Leah closed her eyes and tried to breathe.

  “Another one?”

  Leah nodded.

  “Okay, let’s get you up.” He got her to her feet as soon as it had passed.

  Cade kept one arm protectively around her. He helped her walk the length of the porch and back. They didn’t speak. Leah enjoyed his solid presence.

  When another contraction hit, it was only because of Cade that she stayed on her feet.

  “I think we should wake up now,” he said. “Just in case.”

  “Don’t these things take hours, sometimes days?”

  “Sometimes, sometimes not. Haven’t you done the classes?”

  “Tuesday,” she shook her head.

  “How come you waited so long? Shouldn’t you have taken them weeks ago?”