Chasing Alys

by Morgana Bevan

  “Look, you don’t have to come tonight,” Emily said, turning the engine off and mercifully silencing Ryan. The ache didn’t fade.

  “That’s gracious of you. You couldn’t have asked if I wanted to go before kidnapping me to another fucking country?”

  “You would have said no again.” She frowned, staring transfixed out the windscreen at the building in front of us.

  “And for good reason.”

  “Is it still the song-writing thing?”

  I shrugged. Even if I could get over that part of his life, past fear kept a firm grip on me.

  “What about you?” I asked. “You’ve not been your usual sunny self either.”

  “I’ve been busy,” she said, crossing her arms.

  “What’s happening with you and Jared?”

  Emily shrugged. “That’s not a thing. I went out to Germany to meet up with them one weekend, but it was a mistake.”

  I bit my tongue on the “told you so” that sprang to the front of my thoughts. She didn’t need that if he’d hurt her. Studying her, I couldn’t see any signs of fresh heartbreak. Her eyes weren’t puffy or dark. She didn’t have the dead look she’d had when Oliver cheated.

  Emily rolled her eyes. “Nothing happened. Jared didn’t do anything. I just realised it had stopped being fun and I didn’t really want to deal with it.”

  “So you shut it in a box and moved on?” I asked, quirking a brow.

  Emily smiled. “Don’t worry. I’m not taking lessons from you. Jared and I talked about it. He’s the wild-boy drummer. Serious is too tight a fit for him.” Her tone was nonchalant, which surprised me.

  I studied her. “And you’re really okay with that?”

  “Hundred percent. Besides, I already have a date lined up for when we get back.” Her smile turned coy. “I’m going to have some fun and live my life for a little while. I wish you would too.”

  It hadn’t been that long since Oliver had crushed her reality. After that first night, she hadn’t reacted at all how I’d expected, and I was glad for it. She was stronger than me, and a part of me envied her that.

  I’d never been able to bounce back fast. No matter how much I wished I could forget the past, it was always waiting for me when I closed my eyes. Maybe that had always been through choice, or the lack of making one. I’d started to expect the worst, and when the worst came, I let it wash over me.

  Maybe it was time for me to choose my reality rather than let the past dictate my present. I had no idea what that looked like, but nothing was going to change right now. I needed time to figure out what it meant, how it affected my non-relationship with Ryan.

  Sighing, I banged my head against the soft headrest. I had no way out and she knew it. “I’m not going to the gig.”

  “That’s fine.” She agreed far too quickly, her entire face alight. “It’s not until late, so we can wander around the Christmas market and get dinner and lots and lots of cocktails. You’ll have fun, I promise.” Her eyes sparkled and her grin returned, wiping out any sign of guilt. She stared at me with eager eyes.

  She wouldn’t drag me to Glasgow knowing I wouldn’t willingly go if she didn’t have a back-up plan. Even so, she knew cash was always tight in the winter months, so she’d be confident I wouldn’t jump on a train the moment we arrived. What was I going to do? Hitchhike home from the services? Fat chance.

  “C’mon, you love a good Christmas market.” If we’d been standing, she’d have stomped her foot. I could almost smell the desperation seeping from her pores.

  She was planning something. The best thing for me to do would be to dip into my contingency fund and put myself on a train home. Knowing this didn’t mean I’d follow logic.

  It had been a really stressful two weeks. We hadn’t even decorated the flat because neither of us were feeling festive. It was a little over two weeks to Christmas and dinner at my father’s. He required festive cheer; if I walked through his door without it, I would end up making paper rings for hours with a constant stream of classic Christmas films playing in the background. In short bursts over a couple days, I enjoyed both of those things, but cram them all into an eight-hour period and I needed a nap. Having some fun in a new city might help avoid our inevitable fate.

  “Fine,” I grumbled, crossing my arms and taking over the petulant child role. She squealed, but I shut her down with a raised hand. “Christmas market, dinner, cocktails, and then I’m barricading myself in the hotel, and if you tell Ryan where to find me, you’d better sleep with one eye open for the rest of your days.”

  Emily’s nod was vigorous and her eyes saucer wide.

  We’d been driving for hours and we had at least another four to go. My legs would be cramping by now.

  “Do you want me to drive for a bit?”

  Her hands tightened on the steering wheel. “You’ll just take the wrong exit on the way out and send us home.”

  What a brilliant idea. Too bad I hadn’t thought of it.

  “It’s a long drive, Em.”

  She squared her shoulders and started the engine. “I’m good.”

  Before I could change my mind and jump out, Emily gunned it for the slip road. Her tyres screeched as she manoeuvred the corners in the quiet car park, throwing me into her. She didn’t relax until her Fiat was back on the motorway, rushing me towards a man I’d been trying unsuccessfully to exorcise from my thoughts.

  I was still getting to grips with the songwriting, but Emily’s reasoning helped. After the initial shock had worn off, I conceded that she was right. I couldn’t say how that would change if he sang one of those songs in front of me with a live audience.

  It wasn’t a factor in keeping us apart, and that’s all that seemed to matter as I stared out at the cars speeding down the three-lane motorway. I couldn’t control his career or where it might take him. I couldn’t tell him which moments to write about. I couldn’t predict the future. So I needed to stop trying to control it.

  Every single failure I’d ever had I could chart back to overthinking. The one thing I did have power over was my choices. If I didn’t want to spend my life regretting the past, then I needed to be brave and stop regrets forming.

  Meaning, I needed to ask Ryan out.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Wandering around the Christmas market on the edges of George Square was fun despite the freezing temperature and the fact that I couldn’t eat my roasted chestnuts without my fingers going numb. Another Ferris Wheel taunted me and gave its passengers the perfect night-time view of the Glasgow City Chambers.

  We ended up in a little tapas restaurant for dinner, with a table for four laid out with more food than either of us could eat. I say little, but it housed a bar in the basement and seated almost fifty people. The décor was dark and industrial. Emily ordered a jug or two of sparkling sangria, and the food was so good that I lost any semblance of self-control and just devoured it.

  By the time we settled the bill and donned our coats, I had a nice buzz going. Emily led me down the Christmas light-strewn streets, dodging cars and late-night market visitors. She navigated Glasgow with confidence; I’m not even sure I could have found my way back to the hotel unaided.

  For the first time in a month, I felt almost unburdened. Maybe more girls’ weekends away were the answer to all of our problems. All was right with my world.

  That is until we stepped through the doors of a bar on St Vincent Street that was categorically not a cocktail bar. Emily flashed something at the bouncer and waltzed ahead, expecting me to be too drunk to take in my surroundings.

  Betrayed again. That’ll teach me to ignore my instincts.

  People stood around in varying states of gig-going attire. Very few people were as dressed up as me or Emily – yet another bone of contention I would take up with her at a later date.

  A small stage sat at the front, strung up with Rhiannon banners. A merchandise stand stood opposite the stage, and thankfully not a single band member manned it.

 
Emily headed straight for the bar, oblivious to the fact that I wasn’t trailing after her, ignorant to her ploy.

  I may have walked into her trap, but that didn’t mean I needed to make it easy for her. I know I said I wanted to choose to be happy, but I’d expected that to be on my terms. The closer we got to Glasgow, the further my courage retreated. I knew what I had to do, but I wasn’t ready, and I wasn’t going to let someone else hijack me into making that choice before I’d had time to process. Nope. There’s no way I can ask Ryan out with all these people around. I’m out of here.

  Turning on my heel, I walked back to the door. I almost reached it when James and Dan blocked my path to freedom. They each wore matching grins.

  “Now, boys, I don’t have any issues with you. There’s no reason to change that now.”

  I tried to shuffle around them, but both men stepped with me in an unchoreographed dance.

  “We’ve had to listen to him whine about you this whole time,” said James, the words forced between his teeth.

  “On a tour bus,” added Dan, his brows puckered.

  “Closed quarters, no escape, night or day,” muttered James.

  “That’s not my problem.”

  I tried to push through the small gap between them. I expected it to throw them off-balance, but damn guitarists and their strong upper bodies. I staggered back, almost going over on my heels. James reached out and steadied me with a firm grip on my forearm, but that’s the only mercy he was inclined to show.

  “You’re right. He made it ours,” James said without an ounce of sympathy.

  “And we’d kind of like to keep working, so forgive us,” Dan begged before they each took an arm and dragged me back into the room.

  This time around, I spotted Ryan chatting to some girls who were getting a little too close for my liking. The nerve of him, flirting with strangers when he’d made his friends trap me. Ryan nodded to James and Dan, smirking at me all the while. My blood turned to fire.

  They deposited me next to Emily, who just turned and handed me a drink without blinking at my new bodyguards.

  “We’ll be near,” James muttered. Then they disappeared into the growing crowd.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing, Em?” I snapped, focusing my bubbling emotions on her.

  She stepped closer, smiling as she wrapped her arm around my waist. “I’m making sure neither of you fuck this up again.”

  My brows drew tight. “Why is Ryan different to you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Of all the men that have walked in and out of my life, why did you choose to fight for Ryan?”

  Her eyes wandered as she searched for an answer. I had my own theories, and they all involved the band. When her gaze focused on me again, they were strained. She didn’t have one.

  “I wish you’d left it alone. I was getting there on my own.” Now it just looked like I needed my best friend to handle me.

  “Dodging his texts and wanting to lock yourself in the hotel room all night was getting there?”

  I nodded sharply. “I know what he wants and that’s not an easy thing for me to give. I needed time.”

  I searched her face for the smallest sign she understood. Her smile fell and she downed her drink, turning back to the bar. Best friends… what are they good for if not getting you into trouble and pulling you out again?

  I hid myself away in a dark corner of the room. A pillar in the raised section made for the perfect hiding post. It was near enough behind the merchandise stand so I could sight danger before it reached me.

  Or that’s what should have happened.

  “You aren’t trying to avoid me, are you?” Ryan whispered, his breath tickling my ear.

  I turned to face him, a pit of excitement and fear forming in my stomach. I tried to keep my voice level. “Hard to do at your own gig.”

  “True, but you didn’t come say hi.”

  “You were busy,” I lied.

  “I’m never too busy for you.” There was an unease in his eyes I’d never seen before. It jarred against my memories of overly confident Ryan. “So, how’ve you been?”

  I studied him. “Thinking.”

  He crossed his arms. “For three days?”

  I nodded. “I’ve been thinking about this.” I gestured between us.

  Surprise flitted across his face. “You have?”

  I nodded again and reached for his hand, threading our fingers together. Now or never. “First, I really need to know: why chase me? We barely know each other and I’m sure you could pick up a girl in any city.”

  Ryan stepped closer and smiled. “Something about you captivated me when I saw you on the Mystery Lines set. Yes, part of it was admiration for the way you tore into the crew. But seeing you soothe that little girl…” He shook his head, blowing out a shaky breath.

  “Women throw themselves at me and I imagine it’ll get worse the bigger we get, but no one has even so much as glanced at me the way you looked at that girl. You actually cared about her. I could see it in your eyes. Her crying hurt you somehow and I want that.” Ryan pressed his lips together and stared at me with his heart on his sleeve.

  “For someone to hurt for you?” My confusion was written plain across my face.

  He shook his head. “No. I want someone to care about me as much as you cared about a little girl you didn’t know. Like what I do with my life matters.”

  “But you wanted one night,” I whispered, my eyes dipping to our connected hands.

  “I wanted whatever I could get. It turns out one night isn’t enough for me.”

  My gaze jumped back to him. His eyes grew soft with sadness that I couldn’t help but mirror. Was it possible that the impending fame worried him? And if that were the case, why did he need me, a stranger, to care for him? Surely, he had family who could keep him on the straight and narrow.

  “Okay, but that person doesn’t have to be me. You could easily find someone local.” Someone local fits better with his career, anyway. “What about the band? They need you here in Glasgow.”

  “All of that could be gone tomorrow,” Ryan said.

  I gasped, searching the faces of all those in earshot. No one appeared shocked, outraged or angry, so maybe no one had heard. “Don’t say things like that so bloody loud in public!”

  “No one’s listening.” He chuckled.

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Alright, but leave the band out of it.” He closed the distance between us and his lips caressed my ear. “Either you want me or you don’t. Nothing else matters here.”

  “I do want you.”

  His lips curved up at the edges, but that was the only indication that my words affected him. He stared down at me, waiting for the confession wearing circles in my mind. I had no problem admitting my fear to Emily, but why not Ryan?

  “But I’m scared.”

  His body relaxed into mine, his fingers toyed with my hair. “Why? I’d never intentionally hurt you.”

  “It’s the unintentionally I’m worried about.”

  “Chasing you was exhausting. Not being able to see you the last two weeks was painful, and the guys are about ready to castrate me.” His easy grin returned, and he pressed his forehead to mine, trapping me with his beautiful eyes. “You wouldn’t want that, would you?”

  It was a gory image, and considering James and Dan’s interference tonight, I could believe it. But was I ready to step off that ledge tonight? I knew there would be no half measures with Ryan. If I agreed to us, he’d demand it all. His life was going to explode, the attention would make me uncomfortable, and privacy might one day be a thing we had to fight for. Could I handle it?

  I didn’t know, but right now, feeling the warmth of him, hearing his words, I wanted to find out.

  “It upset me when you left.” I swallowed hard against the nerves in my throat. I couldn’t focus on his face while I forced out the words. “I-I got used to you surprising me and I realised I liked it.”
Finally, I plucked up the courage to look at him. “I liked you.”

  Ryan’s smile was tentative, but his guarded edges softened.

  “After you left, I tried to shut you out so I could go back to normal, but then you kept texting and sending gifts.” I drew in a shaky breath. Ryan squeezed my hand, encouraging me. “It was starting to feel like you were serious.”

  “I thought the song would have told you that.”

  I nodded, my brow creasing. “It did, eventually, but the fact you were singing about me was a bit of a sticking point.”

  Ryan’s eyes widened. “And that’s why you stopped responding to my texts again.”

  “It kind of blindsided me with reality.”

  Ryan frowned. “What reality?”

  I gestured to the stage and the gathering crowd. “This is your life, and I didn’t understand what it entailed. I wasn’t prepared for you to be writing songs about me, let alone releasing them for the world to hear and dissect.”

  Ryan’s guarded look returned, and I hated that I put it there, even just to explain my outlook.

  “I didn’t know how to deal with millions of people knowing details of my life or your feelings before I did. Emily helped, but it’s still a work in progress.”

  Ryan dragged a hand down his face. “I don’t understand. Are you saying yes to us or no?” His piercing blue eyes fixed on my face, trying to read the answer in mine. “I can’t promise I’ll never write about you again.”

  “I’m not asking you to. I’m choosing to try us. I don’t know what a relationship with you will look like and it won’t be easy, but I’m willing to try.” Nerves choked me and the words came out hoarse.

  With a grip on my hand, Ryan pulled me to him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I tipped my head back to meet his happy gaze.

  “It can be as easy as we want to make it.”

  I wanted to share his optimism. After all, it could turn out great and our crazy work patterns might work to our favour. But what if it wasn’t all sunshine and happiness? What if he got tired of touring alone or not being able to see me on weekends because the schedule had slipped and I had to work twelve days straight?