Chasing Alys

by Morgana Bevan

  My life hadn’t been straightforward since university, and part of that was purposeful. With a psychologist for a best friend, I couldn’t avoid self-assessing myself. If I didn’t do it, she did, and being psychoanalysed daily got tiring fast!

  Let’s be clear: I didn’t choose my job to avoid heartache. I chose it because I loved the final product and getting to have a finger in that soup. It just so happened that the schedules insulated me from the worst offenders. I no longer had time for online dating and as a result, I didn’t lose hours or weeks to arseholes who liked to ghost women.

  Aside from the odd encounter that developed deeper ties than expected, all of my relationships had been mostly superficial. And I chose that. I could disconnect a part of myself so that when things went wrong or one of us got bored, I was perfectly fine. It was safe and I liked it.

  I wanted this to work and getting lost in my doubts wouldn’t help either of us.

  Ryan smoothed out the crease between my brows. “Stop overthinking.”

  I chuckled. “Did Emily tell you that was a problem for me?”

  “It’s one of the easiest things to figure out about you,” he said, concern tightening his features.

  “I’m trying.”

  “Okay. I have a proposal for you.”

  “What kind of proposal?”

  “The kind that involves me coming home with you until Christmas.”

  I opened my mouth to reply then shut it. The suggestion shocked me, but I wasn’t totally against it.

  “Hear me out. This started with so many mixed signals and, yes, I understand you might need space to adjust, but isn’t that space just going to give you more time to overthink?” he asked, his words rushed. “And while you’re overthinking, I’ll be more than four hundred miles away, unable to really help you.”

  He had a point. Just because I was certain I wanted to give this a go now didn’t mean fear wouldn’t change my mind if given half the chance.

  “I’ve got nothing keeping me in Glasgow until Christmas. After the Germany tour, all of us need a small break before our next tour kicks off. We could use the time to strengthen this.” He stared at me, his mouth set in a serious line and his eyes imploring me to follow his logic and agree.

  “I’m off until the end of January now,” I said.

  Ryan tensed. “Is that a yes?”

  I nodded, and a grin overtook his face.

  “As long as you’re aware overthinking is a lifelong habit and it very likely will happen.”

  Ryan chuckled. “As long as you include me, I can deal with it,” he whispered against my lips, applying gentle pressure. I held my breath and hoped these kisses would never end.

  His tongue swept into my mouth, tangling with mine and sending electric shocks down my body. His fingers laced through my hair, tugging at the nape of my neck until I tilted my head back and deepened the kiss.

  I barely contained my sighs. It shouldn’t have felt like coming home, and yet with his arms around me and his lips pressed to mine, it did. At some point, I’d started to trust him enough to take this chance. I was still terrified of the future and nothing was going to be simple, but this was a start.

  My hands crept up to his shoulders. I fisted his t-shirt, holding on for dear life as a world of sensation swept over me. I was so absorbed in him that the chatter of the room faded and I forgot we were in a very public place.

  When he broke the kiss, we were both panting.

  Then Jared appeared at our sides and tapped Ryan on the shoulder, wearing an expression of relief and apology. “We’re ready to start.”

  Ryan nodded, turning back to me with a soft smile creasing his eyes. “Don’t move. I’ll be back.” He kissed me softly before releasing me. It was probably the most chaste kiss we’d ever shared, yet it had been sweet all the same and left me rubbing my lower lip as he walked away.

  Moments later, the lights dimmed and the crowd roared. The room had filled out while Ryan distracted me. Now there was barely any room to move on the main floor.

  Jared jumped up on stage, ignoring the stairs. He waved to the crowd, wearing a ridiculous grin and a floppy Santa Claus hat. Taking a seat at his drum kit, he started striking a steady beat.

  When Ryan, James and Dan followed, the noise level increased. They jumped straight into an upbeat song that fired up the crowd. People danced and sang along. I hadn’t really paid attention to anyone but Ryan when they’d played in Cardiff – it was kind of incredible to watch the effect he could have on people – but I saw now that every member of the group added to the atmosphere.

  Emily soon materialised next to me and leaned on the rail, her head nodding to the music while she sang the lyrics. She held her bright pink drink firmly between clenched fingers.

  “What is that?” I asked, nodding to it.

  “A Royal Blush. Wanna try?” She held it out to me. Some of it splashed over the side and onto a blonde girl standing beneath us, decked out in a sequinned dress. At least one person is more dressed up than us. “Sorry.” Emily laughed, too far gone to register the scowl on the girl’s face.

  “Didn’t think this was the kind of place with cocktails on the menu.”

  “Oh, it isn’t.” Her eyes dipped to my glass.

  “What am I drinking?”

  “A Nor’easter. Three parts Bourbon mixed with lime juice, maple syrup and a bottle of ginger beer. Nice, isn’t it?”

  “Was your back-up plan to get me drunk?”

  She nodded, grinning. “Pretty much. James and Dan were Ryan’s back-up. More alcohol would have been my desperate last resort,” she said, showing me her teeth in a forced smile.

  “For you, our favourite people and supporters,” Ryan said on stage, “this is a sneak peek at some new stuff we’ve been working on. The album came out last month, but when inspiration strikes, you have to follow it.” Something about his tone drew my attention; it was too smug. My head snapped up to find his eyes on me. “This next song is called ‘Run,’ and it was inspired by my girlfriend, Alys.”

  The temperature in the room took a dive. Gasps of shock and horrified murmurs of “No,” echoed off every wall. Those who had spotted Ryan kissing me glared in my direction as if it would scare me off. How clueless they all were.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  The way he acted made it clear: Ryan wanted to make sure the world received the update that he was taken and it wasn’t going to change. Every single love song written about me – there were at least three – and even the ones not about me, he sang staring pointedly at me, smirking the whole bloody time.

  As I watched him absorbed in the music with that drunken grin on his face, my watchers faded into the background. There was something vulnerable in the shadows of his face that rooted me to the spot. I almost missed it with the flickering lights – it was there one moment and gone the next, whisked away with a blink. Instinct said he was worried I’d leave as much as I was wary of him hurting me.

  Some warning about his confession would have been preferable, but at least he’d chosen a small gig to do it. Yay for small mercies. There were no more than fifty people in the room, and next time something like this happened, I’d be prepared. I’d know what to expect. Being a rock star’s girlfriend would get easier. It had to.

  When the show ended, the guys started chatting to people as they filed out of the venue. Some bought merchandise, but most just stopped for a hug and a chat. I couldn’t help but frown as women held onto Ryan a little too long. Emily, on the other hand, seemed completely unaffected by it.

  “Is that normal for a band?”

  Emily shrugged. “It’s normal for them.”

  Ryan’s gaze lingered on me. He leaned over and whispered something in Dan’s ear. Dan’s eyes flew to me and he nodded. What on earth is that about?

  Abandoning the receiving line, Ryan came bounding over. Sweat coated his face and the electricity in his eyes drew a pleased grin from me.

  “I need to wrap things up out here
and get changed. Will you wait in the back room for me?” he asked.

  “Don’t want me to see their adoration?” It was a joke, but Ryan assessed me for a little too long. “I clearly need to work on my comedic timing.”

  “Sorry. I’d prepared myself for you to back away after the songs.”

  “Because I stopped talking to you after the radio one?”

  Ryan nodded, and the vulnerability I thought I’d imagined intensified. My hand fell to his arm, uncaring of the sweat. “I just didn’t know how to handle it, you writing about me.”

  He searched my face. “And you do now?”

  “Not really, but I guess we’ll have to figure that out together.” I’d deal with the lack of warning later.

  The tension drained from his shoulders and the uncertainty cleared. Placing a hand on my lower back, he guided me towards a black security door at the back of the venue. Emily followed close behind.

  The door opened into a back room filled with sofas, equipment cases and a table laid out with food and alcohol. A group of men in suits glanced at us when we entered but deemed us uninteresting once Ryan left.

  “Explain all that,” I muttered as the door shut.

  Again, Emily shrugged. “It’s just what they’ve always done. They’ve made a habit of being available to fans, and I guess getting signed hasn’t changed that. Why do you think I happily travelled to see them?”

  “I just thought you were obsessed.”

  She tipped her chin and closed her eyes briefly. “There was that. They’re very good at making every follower feel appreciated. I expect how they show that will change the bigger they get, but it won’t go away.”

  The thought that Ryan would be hugging strange women all over the world didn’t sit well with me. I’d known it would be a possibility. I’d known women would fall over themselves for him. But I didn’t expect it to happen all the time. It was just another thing I needed to learn to accept, along with trusting him.

  “It means nothing. They’re just lovely guys who are extremely grateful that people want to buy their music and see them play. Face it, you picked a nice guy.”

  Emily made a beeline for the alcohol, abandoning me to the rabbit hole in my head. She picked up a bottle of very expensive vodka and started pouring us drinks.

  A good thirty minutes later, James, Dan and Jared appeared with a girl on each arm. Emily lowered her glass slowly. She had the dazed look of someone who’d been slapped. Her hand shook so hard I could hear the ice clinking against the sides.

  “I thought you were done with him?” I hissed in her ear. I needn’t have bothered; the volume had risen significantly with their arrival.

  Emily’s gaze jumped to mine. Her confusion was plain for me to see. “I am. I just wasn’t prepared for that.” She nodded towards Jared making out with the blonde woman in sequins Emily had tipped her drink over. She touched my arm, drawing my attention back to her. “But I’m honestly fine. I know what he’s like and I don’t want to be on that rollercoaster.”

  I searched her face for the slightest lie, but she was sincere.

  The press of Ryan’s hand against my hip distracted me, and Emily wandered off with her drink in hand.

  “Sorry about that,” Ryan said before his lips closed softly over mine.

  It was brief, but I still leant into him.

  “Did you enjoy the show?”

  “You guys sounded great. Different somehow to Cardiff. Shame you couldn’t give me warning.”

  Ryan’s smile turned sheepish as he scrubbed his hand down his face. “Yeah, sorry about that. If it helps, I didn’t realise it was a stupid move until after I came off stage.”

  Faced with his pleading eyes, I softened, and amusement took over. “It doesn’t, but I appreciate your attempt at an apology. Want to try again?”

  “Attempt? That was heartfelt.” Pleading turned to faux wounded, and I laughed.

  “Try it on someone else, music man.”

  He pressed his forehead to mine. “Next time, I promise I’ll give you a head’s up.”

  With a soft smile, I pressed my lips to his. “That’s all I wanted,” I whispered.

  We stayed like that, wrapped up in each other for a couple minutes. Me marvelling at how the day was ending so differently to how it had started. Misguided as her attempt was, I owed Emily an extra-special Christmas present.

  “Is there anything I can do to help you?” Ryan said after a while.

  “With the music thing?”

  He nodded.

  “I don’t think so,” I said, shaking my head. “I just need to get used to it.”

  Ryan nodded, but his concern didn’t fade. “Still, if you think of anything, let me know.”

  “It’s on me, but thank you.”

  The sound of Dan trying to yodel broke our bubble, and I glanced around at the busy room. Everyone but Jared seemed to be laughing at Dan. Jared was too busy necking the other woman he’d walked in with. Emily was nowhere to be seen.

  “Where are the bathrooms in here?”

  Ryan glanced at the door to the venue space. “Back in the main area.”

  I stepped out of his arms and handed him my drink. “Be right back.”

  Emily had always been the social butterfly; hiding herself in the bathrooms wasn’t normal. Maybe she wasn’t hiding and I was making assumptions. Either way, I needed to check on her.

  I was nearly out the door when a sharp pain exploded at the back of my head. Glass shattered and liquid heat seeped into my hair. I collapsed, barely registering Ryan shouting my name from somewhere nearby.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I woke to find Ryan and Emily hovering over me, their faces nothing but fuzzy blurs blocking out the light. I’d like to say I bounced back as though nothing happened, but I just lay there blinking at the pair of them. I couldn’t focus on either of their faces without nausea raising its ugly head.

  “Thank fuck. How do you feel?” Ryan asked.

  I tried to roll over, aiming to get up, but the movement threw my vision out of whack. The room spun and my stomach bottomed out – and not in a good way. I was going to throw up, and if Ryan didn’t move, it would be on him.

  I tried to push him away, but the stupid man misunderstood. “I’m not going anywhere. Just give yourself a minute. The paramedics are on the way.”

  I was concussed; I didn’t need a paramedic to tell me that.

  “Maybe we should give her some room,” Emily suggested. She had witnessed too many unsavoury incidents over the years not to see the signs. She edged away from me, and she probably wouldn’t have cared if it had hurt my feelings.

  With her out of my way, the rest of the room opened up. The band stood off to the side, watching Ryan with varying degrees of concern. Their manager talked at the guys in an angry whisper. His arms flailed in all directions, towards me, the departing suits and Jared’s blonde, who sat under heavy security guard.

  I was oddly relieved to see the girl. I thought she would have legged it the moment I went down.

  I was starting to feel like a bit of a fool laying on the floor, and it was pretty disgusting down there. My head rested in a wet puddle of something… I didn’t want to know what. They clearly hadn’t deep cleaned the carpet in at least a decade.

  “Get me up.” I reached my hand out between Ryan and Emily.

  “Don’t move!” Ryan cried. He swallowed hard, his eyes skirting between us. “I mean, you shouldn’t move. We need to wait for the paramedics.”

  “I’m concussed, Ryan. Nothing’s broken.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  Emily and I shared a concerned look. I had almost zero experience with overprotective men. What was I meant to do to stop him? Leaving him to it seemed cruel.

  “It’s her neck, dude. I think she’d know,” Emily said, her tone soft and careful. Exactly how you’d talk to a skittish animal.

  “I’m pretty sure I would,” I added. “Plus, I can move it. I’m moving it to look
at you.”

  Ryan studied my upturned face. What he was looking for, I couldn’t say. Pain pulsed through my skull, and although it was numbing slightly, that didn’t take away the sensation. My face was probably drawn tight with the pain.

  “I’ll do it,” Emily tutted, losing her patience fast. “Then you can safely say you didn’t paralyse your girlfriend, okay?” She shot me a look. “If you vom on me, we’ll be talking serious retribution.”

  Emily lifted me slowly, taking the offered arm. The speed made no difference to me – had she flung me to my feet I’m pretty sure the result would’ve been the same. I lost all of that lovely tapas food over the carpet and Ryan’s shoes. Emily jumped back and let me go the moment I heaved.

  Off to one side, I could hear the manager muttering about tabloid headlines, something about a rock star’s concussed girlfriend. He wasn’t very imaginative, that one.

  Vaguely, I noticed Jared approach with a bucket. Emily snatched it from him without making eye contact, and he backed away wearing the forlorn expression of the guilty. Emily held the bucket beneath my head while Ryan scraped my hair off my shoulders and rubbed soothing circles into my back.

  When my nausea appeared to have stopped, Ryan handed me a tissue and a bottle of water. The fact that he didn’t immediately back away won him some massive points. All the same, I couldn’t meet his eyes. They fixed firmly on the mess I’d made of his shoes. I felt like such a tool.

  Ryan tipped my chin up from the disgusting sight. I gave in to the pressure easily and met his gaze. His sweet smile mirrored the returned calm in his blue eyes, even if they were pinched with worry.

  “You okay?” His hands continued to smooth my hair back.

  Considering there was no magical remedy that would whisk me away from the embarrassment, I nodded, content to sip the water until I could escape to my hotel and a hot shower.