Emotional Intelligence

by Robert Parkes

  What is Social Intelligence?

  Where IQ is what you are born with, Social intelligence (SI) is learned. We learn SI through our experiences and interactions with people. We pick up SI through our successes and failures in social contexts. You may know of it as common sense, tact, or street smarts.

  In general terms, social intelligence is indicated by your ability to “get along” with others. But, getting along is but a part of the definition. The other part is encouraging others to cooperate with you.

  Social intelligence is often referred to as “people skills.” It is an ability which encompasses your awareness of situations, social dynamics, what you know of interaction styles, how you interpret the stimuli presented by people you are interacting with, and strategies that would help you achieve your objectives in dealing with others.

  Social intelligence, however, goes both ways. While you may be able to get others to cooperate with you, there is always that possibility that you can be swayed towards what others aim for in a social interaction. And, following Karl Albrecht’s classification of social behaviors, the effect of an interaction may either be “nourishing” or “toxic.”

  Why you need Social Intelligence

  People are innately social beings. This was so in early history and remains to be so today. Social intelligence is a prosocial behavior, which means how you understand and manage people to behave wisely in human relations.

  If you are high on social intelligence, you have the nourishing behavior which makes people feel respected, valued, affirmed, encouraged, or competent. A person with a toxic behavior, on the other hand, tends to make people frustrated, angry, devalued, guilty, and inadequate.

  Between the two types of social behavior, it is easy to see which behavior will bring you success. People with nourishing behavior are sought after by others, pulled by a “magnet” towards them.

  On the opposite end, you have the toxic people who tend to alienate people. People tend to stay away from toxic persons, resulting to the isolation of that person.

  It is possible, though, that toxic people are not aware of their behavior. They are so preoccupied with their own stresses that they are blind to the effects of their behavior on other people. They may need to go through radical personality changes to make them aware of how the others see them.

  There is, however, hope for people who are low on social intelligence. Social intelligence is a learned ability and can, therefore, be cultivated and nurtured.

  The aspects of Social Intelligence

  Making social intelligence a subset of emotional intelligence limits man’s capacity for relationship and what transpires during an interaction. Further research on the concept of social intelligence went beyond this limitation.

  The broad spectrum of social intelligence can be clustered into two categories: social awareness (being aware of others) and social facility (what is done about people awareness).

  Social awareness goes from primal empathy or the instantaneous awareness of the other’s inner state, to empathic accuracy which makes us understand the other’s thoughts and feelings, and lastly, to social cognition, getting the sense of a complicated social situation.

  Social facility involves how you present yourself to others, the influence and concern you exert or impress, and how you interact smoothly on the nonverbal level.

  The two aspects complement each other. It is not enough to be aware of the other’s inner state. You need to do something about your awareness of the inner state of the other person. You need to use what you sense of the inner state and of the complicated situation to allow for a smooth and effective interaction.

  Bothe social awareness and social facility range from what is referred to as “low-road” and “high-road” capacities. A “low-road” lies underneath an individual’s awareness and the effect is automatic and without effort. An example of a “low-road” effect is when you get fascinated by an attractive face.

  In contrast, a “high-road” goes through the neural system and is, therefore, more methodical, going through an orderly process with conscious effort. Because you are fully aware, you have control over your inner life. This awareness is absent in the “low-road.” For instance, when you think about your attraction to a face, you are taking the “high-road.”

  To be high on social intelligence, you need to embrace social awareness and social facility, as well as, the “low-road” and the “high-road.” They serve as the key to human relationships and to social success.

  The dimensions of social intelligence

  Social intelligence is a mix of skills and abilities. For instance, you need to have the ability to understand people and the skill to interact and communicate effectively with them.

  For you to get along with others and get them to cooperate with you, it helps if you understand the five dimensions of social intelligence:

  Presence – this is how you present yourself to others. It is your outside image or your self-sense that is perceived by others, such as confidence, self-worth, or self-respect.

  Clarity – refers to how clearly you present yourself to others, the accuracy of the concepts you present, and how you effectively communicate ideas in order to persuade others.

  Awareness – refers to how you read social contexts and how these contexts impact behavior. From understanding the social contexts, you choose the appropriate behavioural strategy that will give you success.

  Authenticity – refers to the kind of behavior you perform which conveys a perception of honesty with one’s self and of others .

  Empathy – refers to your ability to connect with others and encourage them to be “with” you rather than “against” you. This element includes your ability to appreciate the experiences and emotions of others.

  Characteristics of people high on Social Intelligence

  People vary to the extent that they possess social intelligence. Various researches describe the characteristics of people high on social intelligence. One such report by Shaun Killian, an Australian educational psychologist came up with five characteristics of socially intelligent leaders, which can also be applied to one’s social life:

  1. Confidence in social situations – people high on SI present themselves with conviction and are comfortable with a social audience. These people are not self-conscious or shy. For them, the social situation is about the other people. They don’t get affected by negative feedback.

  2. Genuine interest in others – When in a social interaction, these people forget their own mental distractions and focus on the interest of others. This ability is known as “being in the moment” or “being fully present” which allows you to be truly responsive during conversations.

  Responsiveness here refers not only on the cognitive level but on the “feeling” level – reading the inner state of the other person in the context of the present situation.

  A genuine interest in the other manifests itself even when you are alone. And, this caring show in simple and complex behaviors, like when you are on time for appointments, when you maintain eye contact with the person you are interacting with, when you anticipate the needs of others and offer them refreshments. Without a genuine interest in the other person, the situation is viewed as manipulation.

  3. “Read” and respond to others – Being present in the situation is but part of a social interaction. You also need the ability to listen and be attentive to the other person. These people know how to “read” facial expressions, interpret messages conveyed through body language and tone. They can put these clues together to understand the inner state of the other person.

  4. Express emotions and feelings clearly – Not all messages are conveyed verbally. Even stronger communication channels are non-verbal, such as body language, gestures, and tone of voice. And, non-verbal cues are contagious and goes both ways. What you see from the other affects you and what the other sees in you affects the person you are interacting with.

  If you express authentic emotions
and feelings, the other person will catch them. For instance, if your expressions exude interest and joy, the other person will be encouraged to interact with you.

  5. Understanding social environments – This characteristic calls for a basic knowledge of people and of the social world applied to the context of the present social situation. This means understanding the different personalities of persons you are in contact with – they could be in your home, neighborhood, or in the workplace.

  6. Knowledge of people will help you to encourage and motivate them, and help you deal with different personalities in different ways. And, you also need to know understand the norms and values of different individuals or groups you are with.

  Chapter 3

  The Language of Emotional Intelligence

  Each time we interact with another, we constantly give and receive nonverbal cues. These are powerful messages communicated without words, such as gestures, how fast or loud we talk, how we stand, the eye contact we make, and our facial expressions. Even your silence is a cue.

  How we understand and make use of these signals determines how we express our feelings, manage the impressions we get, influence others, and form and define our relationships.

  Dimensions of Emotional Ability In The Context of Non Verbal Communication

  People who communicate affectively are discerning and proficient in interpreting and using nonverbal communication to achieve their ends. For instance, they can accurately tell through observed facial expressions, if a person is sad, happy, angry or frustrated. A person’s stand can also reveal that person’s level of comfort and level of engagement. If your contact is too long, you appear aggressive; too short may convey hidden motivations.

  Not all people are proficient in reading and interpreting nonverbal communication. Some are unable to perceive the intended messages or fail to appraise the meanings behind the nonverbal cues and use them as meaningful information.

  Proficiency in nonverbal cues is the key to effective communication, which, in turn, depends on your ability to manage stress, perceive emotions, and understand the cues conveyed and received.

  Emotional ability encompasses four branches or dimensions related to nonverbal communication:

  Perceiving Emotion

  This refers to the ability to identify and distinguish emotions in a given situation. This also includes identifying the source of the emotion, which could be yourself, the other person, or the situational transaction itself. Your first perceptions of the other person’s emotions affect your capacities and thoughts, allowing you to manage your emotional response.

  Facilitating Emotion

  This refers to the ability to think, assess, and incorporate emotional information to be used as basis for decisions to achieve your goal. One who is knowledgeable in facilitating emotions incorporates the emotional information received in the present context with learned information from the past experiences to analyze their feelings and choose the best emotional responses. It is, therefore, important for you to identify which of the emotions you perceive in an interaction is useful for your purpose.

  For instance, if you happen to be interacting with an angry person, instead of responding aggressively, a person skilled in emotional ability will choose the appropriate response that will moderate the tension.

  Studies have shown that feelings and nonverbal communication can influence how emotions process thoughts and how differences in thoughts can affect one’s understanding of emotions. Or, to put it simply, when people misunderstand their feelings, they are liable to make poor choices.

  Understanding Emotion

  Emotions change over time and situations. If you are to understand emotions, you need to be able to analyze complex emotions and predict how they may change. One who is proficient in reading emotions know that emotions could mix, blend, and change and that actions can have either short- or long-term consequences.

  Unfortunately, many are poor in anticipating how one feels in the future. This is also referred to as affective misforecasting. When a person cannot predict the changing emotions, that person fails to see what makes for happiness and experience difficulty seeing beyond the filter of the present. The inability to understand emotion will be blinded by the current feelings and will be unable to make appropriate decisions in the future.

  Managing Emotion

  This ability calls for the regulation of one’s emotions and that of the others to achieve one’s purpose. One who is skilled in managing emotions knows how to control emotions, avert impulsive reactions, and perform appropriate responses to a given social situation.

  Emotions and emotional responses often are implicit and automatic. You need to prevent emotions, especially negative emotions, to spill from one concern to another unrelated concern.

  Communicating emotions effectively

  There are three rules that define how we communicate our emotions effectively: the framing rule, feeling rule, and emotion work.

  Framing rule

  This defines the emotional tone present in a situation. This rule depends on the culture of the persons in communication; it is, therefore, broad. It defines the topic, the time and context, and the specific situation. Here, the tone and atmosphere depends on the culture you are in. Examples are funerals are other somber events in Western culture.

  Feeling Rule

  This guides you to a proper emotion to feel in a particular situation. This rule reflects the values of a specific group or society and the roles assigned to particular groups within that society. To help you understand, consider a society that values individuality and encourages the rule to be proud of personal accomplishments.

  In feeling rules, cultural values control the expression of people’s emotions. But, this rule also allows people privilege to express emotion to other people of little or no power. An example is where employees of a company tend to be the receiver of negative emotions, like anger and frustrations. People high up in the organization take their anger on employees and get away with it because of their power to control employment.

  Another instance where feeling rule applies is where families socialize their children. For instance, children are taught to “feel grateful for gifts” or “not to be angry when toys are taken away”. In time, children internalize the rule, controlling what they should or should not feel.

  Emotion work

  This refers to the time and effort you put into how you should feel in specific situations. You become aware of the emotion work each time you experience what is known as the “pinch.” The “pinch” happens when you cannot help feeling happy when a person you dislike much is going through a bad day. Emotion work comes into the picture when you make an effort to appear “sad.”

  Why people fail to express emotions

  Not all people are able to express their emotions. Or they vary in how they express their emotions. While others seem to have no difficulty expressing their emotions, still there are those who experience difficulty in their emotional expressions. There are reasons for their failure:

  Social expectations – Feelings and how they are expressed are shaped by social factors.

  Vulnerability – the fear to give information to others about themselves that would affect how other people would perceive them.

  Protecting others – the fear that what we say or do can upset or hurt others.

  Professional and social roles – the fear that what you express may be inappropriate for your social and professional standing or position.

  Often, people who are try to express emotions but burdened with fears and insecurities become ineffective in communication. They tend to:

  Speak in generalities – You often hear them say “I am happy” or “I am sad” Emotional expressions that do not exactly tell you their true inner state. They are ineffective because the statements are abstract and general and do not clearly communicate what it is exactly the speaker feels.

  not own up to feelings – This is expressed when you try to diso
wn personal responsibility for your feelings. Like when you say “you make me angry” which shifts responsibility to the other person. Compare this to the statement which says “I feel angry when you promised to call and you don’t”. The last statement owns responsibility for the feeling of anger and clearly communicates the feeling.

  Use false emotional language – when you express an emotion but does not really describe what you are feeling. Like, when you say “leave me alone!” You are conveying an emotion, but do not tell what you are feeling. Such statement is false and unproductive. The statement does not tell the other person that it is the behavior you see in the other that is causing what you feel.

  Chapter 4

  How to Master your Emotion and Improve Your EQ

  Our emotions are crucial to our capacity to confront the challenges we encounter in our daily lives. Notice that when you are happy, you can simply brush aside a task you dislike. Or, how when you are miserable, you view an entertaining activity with gloom or gets bored with it.

  Are you aware that the emotions you display at any given time can impact on your relationship with others? For instance, if you chuckle at a friend’s tragic story, you appear rude or insensitive. Or, a frown at a friend’s joke will be regarded as offensive.