Emotional Intelligence

by Robert Parkes

  Our emotional experiences influence and shape the decisions and actions we make in our daily lives. While it is true that at a certain level emotions are automatic, they can be controlled and prevented by being aware of our emotions. We need not become servants of our emotions but we can master them and become “architects” of our emotional experiences.

  The reasons behind the limiting emotions

  Before jumping to how we can master our emotions, let us take a look at the limiting emotions that you may encounter in day-to-day living. Knowing these negative emotions makes you appreciate the positive ones. And, by going into the negative emotions, you might realize the reasons behind the experience.

  Anger

  You feel anger when you fail to get what you want. You react with anger in trying to force things to conform to your way. Anger gives you the illusion that you can control the situation.

  In a conflict situation, anger may give you the advantage or perhaps protect your right. When angry, you are trying to tell the other to back off or concede in an argument.

  When you are angry at yourself, you are forcing yourself to get things done.

  Annoyance

  This is a lighter form of anger which occurs when a person’s behavior irritates you or annoys you. What this emotion means is that a person you are interacting with is not behaving the way you want to and you are unable to change it.

  Anger and annoyance is the result of things going wrong and your inability to control the situation.

  Sadness

  This emotion signals dissatisfaction with yourself and your achievements. For instance, you feel like something is missing from your life and if only you had a different relationship, job, and house. Feeling this emotion prevents you from enjoying the good things in life.

  Nostalgia or when you recall happy memories which happened in the past is another form of sadness. It may not be considered as a negative emotion, but the similarity lies in the illusion that things could have been better.

  Frequent feeling of sadness and nostalgic may be signals for you that you are stuck in the past and need to move on.

  Guilt

  It’s considered as self-punishment common among over thinkers and deep people. It can also be viewed as a hidden feeling of being superior. To give you an idea, consider the following statement “I am so much advanced that I feel bad about my mistakes.”

  Guilt is a destructive emotion and is a signal that something within you need to change. But, to change the behavior, you need to know the source or where guild is coming from.

  Fear and anxiety

  These emotions are common in our present time and are linked to self-preservation. Our early history shows us that fear protect our ancestors by preventing threatening situations.

  Though the primary concern of these emotions is to warn you of danger, these create images of unexpected obstacles and unpleasant surprises. It is, therefore, necessary that you find the truth behind these negative emotions if you are to benefit from these negative emotions. When identified, fear and anxiety can boost your creativity to solve problems and motivate you to act appropriately.

  Discouragement and despair

  These emotions usually occur when you made several efforts to achieve something and still fail to bring about the desired results. Discouragement and despair also gives you what you think are valid excuses not to pursue with the task and refrain from making any more attempts. You can also take these emotions as signals which tell you that you are tired and need some time off.

  Apathy

  Apathy can be viewed as a hidden rebellion against something. You see this emotion in people who don’t have the ability nor the power to rebel in the open. It is a passive-aggressive expression of disagreement and protest against something.

  Another interpretation for this feeling is the shifting of responsibility from yourself to another person. For instance, if you are working with a team and your inaction affects the team, it falls on the other members to act to achieve anything for the team.

  Disappointment and frustration

  These spring from discontent when you are unable to get what you want. It is also possible that this emotion comes as a result when people refuse to do what you want. What these emotions tell you is your inability to accept people as they are and life as it is. The result is you feel that life is unfair with you and people don’t come up to your expectations.

  Exercises to improve your emotional intelligence

  It may be difficult for a beginner to master emotional intelligence. Emotions are subjective and to confront our emotions and be objective about it is a challenge. The exercises listed below follows the key elements of emotional intelligence.

  You need not do all the exercises at once. Pick one and work on it until you are comfortable with it and pick another.

  For Self-awareness

  Monitor what you are doing – If you are to regulate emotions, you need to be aware of your emotions. At the end of the day, reflect on the different emotions you felt during the day try to identify the emotion – was it anger, frustration, anxiety, or fear? Ask yourself why it happened, what triggered the emotion, what the effect was to you and the others around you.

  You could list the emotions you experienced during the day in a journal. Writing them down can help you focus, analyze the emotion, and know more of yourself.

  Check your values – This exercise is closely associated to the exercise above. Take time to reflect on your values and beliefs and what these mean to you. Your values and beliefs are what you hold important and influences the actions and decisions you make on a day-to-day basis.

  Assess the values and beliefs you hold truthfully and how they have helped you (or not) in the past. Make a list of these values in your journal. You can have two columns; under one column list the helpful values and in the second column negative values.

  If you see that there are more values with negative outcome, perhaps you need to do something about them or change them.

  For Self-management

  Take a breather – When you are stressed or anxious, you breathing tends to be fast and short. You may not even be aware of how fast you are breathing, and of the effects this breathing has on your heart.

  This kind of rapid breathing is called chest breathing which upsets the carbon dioxide and oxygen levels in your body. When this happens, you will feel dizzy, your heart rate increases, and feel other physical sensations like fatigue.

  The abdominal breathing is what you use when you are in a relaxed mode. So, when you feel stressed, perform this relaxation exercise which you can do sitting, lying down, or standing:

  Relax your shoulders and take a deep and slow breath through your nose. Hold this for a few seconds. You will notice your abdomen expand and the chest to rise a little.

  Release the air through your mouth slowly. When releasing air, open your mouth slightly and relax the jaw. You will hear a whooshing sound as you release the air.

  Repeat the exercise several times.

  Set aside a time to reflect, reframe, and solve problems – We often get so absorbed in a problem or a negative outcome of an interaction that we get carried away with our emotions. When emotions go awry, our view of the problem gets distorted.

  Set aside a time in the day where you can be alone and reflect on the problem. Try to reframe the problem by asking yourself – In what other circumstance can this problem become positive? Is there a positive side to the problem?

  Think about the problem and break it down as to its cause, the trigger, the reaction, and the outcome. Come up with alternative approaches and solutions to the problem and think of possible outcome. Choose the best approach to the problem.

  Write down the problem and describe the context. Writing down the problem and its alternative solutions will give you a better picture of the problem and help you come up with the appropriate solution.

  For social awareness

  Live in the moment - we fail to live i
n the moment because our thoughts are flighty – we go from one thought to another with such speed that we forget the present and ignore the person in front of us. We get out of focus and lost in a conversation.

  Forgetting the moment can destroy relationships and your chances of social success that you are aiming for. To live for the moment, practice the following exercises:

  Stop thinking about yourself. Loosen up and focus on what is going on in the moment and not on what is going on in your mind.

  Practice to savor the moment. Forget what lies ahead in the future and appreciate the present.

  Pay attention to your breathing.

  Lose track of the time. Constant time checking can distract you from the flow and the moment.

  Develop the ability of acceptance, which means moving towards the problem instead of running away from or ignoring the problem.

  Develop your engagement with the moment by noticing new things, the environment, and the people around you.

  For relationship management

  The little things matter – We often take for granted the little things, and often, we are not aware that they matter to other people. Little things, like saying “Thank you” when receiving something or when someone does something for you. Saying “I’m sorry” when you have offended someone, or the word “Please.” Simple words and phrases which go far in building social relationships.

  Think of the times you failed to say “thank you” or “please” or how often you omit saying these words. Be conscious of your actions and the next time you experience the same things, remember to say the magic words.

  Show when you care – A sure way to mar a relationship is to take the other person for granted. When you someone does a great work, show your appreciation and caring though gestures that express your gratitude and feelings.

  Tackle tough conversations – When we are deep in a tough conversation, try to do the following:

  Find out what the shared ground is

  Let the other person speak without interruptions from you

  Listen to the other person’s side and try to see and understand what the person is trying to say

  Present your side clearly for the purpose of letting the other person understand you

  Steer the conversation back to the common ground, incorporating what you have learned from the interaction

  Chapter 5

  The Role of EQ in Effective Leadership

  When we talk of leadership, what readily comes to mind is a picture of a workplace. The concept of leadership is broader than that. Leadership manifests itself in schools, organizations, groups, politics, and in families. In a situation where there is no leader, one usually emerges and leads the group.

  Makes you wonder what the emergent leader has that makes the group accept the person’s leadership.

  The basis of effective leadership

  Everyone would agree that the leader is one who can take initiative, has a vision, plan, and strategize. These are qualities that make a leader effective. But, are these qualities enough for a leader to lead a group or a team towards the achievement of a goal?

  Working with a group is full of dynamics that influence the direction and strength of the relationship within a group. If things go well, the group becomes excited, enthusiastic, and anticipatory. If things don’t go well, members will feel disappointed, frustrated, worried, and angry.

  According to Daniel Goleman, it is not what the leader does but how the leader leads that accounts for success. The leader may be very high in intelligence, but the lack or the absence of emotional intelligence in the leadership equation will doom the leader’s efforts to failure.

  The driving force behind a leader’s effectiveness and success is the understanding and management of the members’ emotions.

  What happens when emotions of group members are not understood?

  You will better appreciate the important role of emotional intelligence in leadership if we look into group outcomes when leadership is low in EQ:

  Work that the entire team needs to do pile up

  Team members perform in different levels (or not synced) and would require different leadership styles

  Emotions are high in social interactions, which makes working with the team difficult

  Relationship in the group is dominated by challenge and is task-oriented instead of mutual respect, cooperation, friendship, and finding a common ground

  Each member seeks power which tends to mute empathy. The more power a member has, the less they feel the need to listen to others.

  Members find no interest in listening and in inquiring. But, for teamwork to be productive there should be frequent and longer discussions with more depth.

  Leaders who are not knowledgeable in facilitating should learn and work on this skill.

  Hard conversations are dodged. This is a disadvantage as emotions can build up until they explode.

  Traits of an effective leader

  Leaders who possess these traits are more likely to succeed as a leader:

  They motivate and inspire people

  The emphasis is on collaboration among members leading towards synergy and richer experience for members

  They “walk the talk”, act with integrity, and are honest with each member

  Work on the foundation of trust, which a leader achieves by consistently acting with integrity and honesty

  They support, motivate, and develop members. They consistently celebrate the achievements of members and move them to learn more and enhance skills

  They build and fortify relationships by communicating to members that each is valued, their concerns important, and will be addressed.

  Emotional Leadership Exercises

  Emotional leadership skills can be learned and acquired. Developing your leadership skills need to focus on the interpersonal and intrapersonal skills. Emotional leadership is about the combination of your technical skills, strategic thinking, knowledge, and perhaps more important is the driving force, which is the emotional intelligence.

  Here are some exercises you can do to develop your emotional leadership competence. You can write and describe your experiences in a journal. . Writing the experience in a journal gives you the benefit of analyzing the experience better and gives you focus.

  1. Recall a time when you were a leader, made a stand, and had others follow you. Ask yourself these following questions:

  What did you feel?

  How did the others feel?

  2. Recall a time when you made a stand on an issue and later on backed down.

  What was the feeling like?

  What were the responses of the others?

  3. Recall a time when you were a leader and you did not take a stand on an issue when you should have. Ask yourself:

  What did you feel?

  What do you think the others felt?

  4. Do the exercises 1 to 3 above, but reverse the position. You are now the employee recalling the experiences of 1 to 3 above and asking the same questions.

  If you answer the questions truthfully and objectively, you will locate where your emotional intelligence is, how much more you need to develop, and in which are you have the advantage.

  Chapter 6

  21 Powerful Strategies to Improve your EQ and Social Skills

  It is natural for a person to want to feel wanted and needed; it is vital to a person’s self-worth. It is often thought of as the most important set of skills a person can have. Socially competent individuals have the right tools that make them confident in any social situation.

  It is also a reality that people view the world through the concept of “us” and “them.” It is easy for socially competent individuals to become a member of “us.” But, not all are equipped with the tools that would make them socially competent to make them belong to the “us.”

  Here, we provide you with the tools you need to make you socially competent. Before going on to the skills, we discuss briefly why you need to be sociable.<
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  Why you need Social Skills

  Having a positive social behavior is necessary for our survival. In surviving, society has come up with a set of rules to guide social behavior. Our early ancestors used acceptable social behavior as a survival strategy. To survive, they organized groups which were cohesive in behavior and thinking.

  This survival strategy is still true and a reality today. You will find this in your neighborhood and in the workplace. To survive in an environment of people, you need to fit in.

  Fitting in within a group means you are trusted, and everything about you is a symbol of belongingness – how you talk, the clothes you wear, mannerisms, and your house. Inability to fit in will isolate you from the group or the crowd and will cause you pain and frustrations.

  Social skills are not just about making friends and the desire to belong. It is also about getting through the day, being able to navigate through your day-to-day social situations involving several persons. It involves your ability to make decisions and to foresee the result and consequences of your decisions.

  Everything you do in a social context impact on yourself and the other persons you come into contact with. You, therefore, need to consider the effect of your behavior and actions on other people. This is referred to as perspective taking or the ability to perceive what the other is feeling and thinking, or what the motivation is behind the other’s behavior.

  You can see and understand the behavior of the other person by the tone of the voice, facial expressions, posture, and other verbal or nonverbal cues. And, when you do, you will be able to modify your responses and decide on an appropriate action to achieve your objective.