Emotional Intelligence

by Robert Parkes

  Social skills you need and how they help in achieving social success

  If there are times that you feel awkward when you are in a group, or find difficulty joining in conversations, you have it in you to change these situations. Social skills can be learned and acquired until they come naturally to you, if you follow and apply the guides below:

  1. Maintain eye contact

  Your eyes mirror your inner self. The same goes true with the other person. Therefore, when you are interacting or conversing with another person, you are receiving, as well as sending information to each other. It is, therefore, a means of communication which is more powerful than words.

  Making eye contact could convey several meanings:

  You are telling the other person that you are a good listener and that you are focused and attentive to what the other is trying to convey

  When you make eye contact, you connect with the other person. It could be interpreted as liking the other person and that you are comfortable talking or conversing with the other person.

  On the other hand, not making eye contact could be interpreted as avoidance or that you are trying to hide something. Absence of eye contact could mean a dislike for the other person. Avoiding eye contact has negative effects that will impact on your relationship with the other person.

  Making eye contact is all about trust. Maintaining eye contact with the other person means openness and more likely to elicit trust and respect. You are also telling the other person that you are a confident, self-assured, reliable, and trustworthy person.

  2. Use proper body language

  It is not only your eyes that speak but the whole of your body as well – the way you stand, how you carry yourself, your gestures, and movements. The use of body language can influence or change the interpretation of messages. For example, one way to establish rapport with someone is to subtly mirror their movement.

  Depending on how your body language is interpreted, it can either make or break a relationship. It is, therefore, important that you consider the appropriate body language when socially interacting with a person or a group.

  3. Know the difference between being assertive and aggressive

  There are times when you get carried away with the conversation that, without you knowing it, you assert your opinion too much or become aggressive. Such situations might give the impression that the other person is wrong. If you are getting offensive or insulting, you are going into the danger zone of aggressiveness.

  4. Decide on an effective communication channel

  Modern technology has made it easy for us to communicate with other people. But, there are content that are more appropriately conveyed in person.

  Email does not contain emotion, neither does the social media. It is difficult to share your feelings and emotions through a computer. Phone calls also are not the same as person-to-person contact.

  Know when to say what you feel in person, or if what you need to say can be conveyed clearly through a phone call, or if the social media or email is enough for you to send a message.

  5. Be flexible and cooperative

  You may believe that you are right and that your way is the only way. But, to insist on your own belief may be disastrous in a social situation and will not help you achieve your purpose. Be flexible, open to other possibilities, and cooperative to what other persons may offer. Chances are, there are options you may have missed. Bear in mind that you need people to become successful in life and it will not serve your interest to be antagonistic.

  6. Accept criticism without being defensive – Avoid getting on the defensive when your ideas or opinion are being criticized. Listen and absorb the criticisms; these are information you could use, especially if coming from an expert.

  7. Be positive as much as possible

  There is a correlation between being positive and success. In addition, people are drawn to others who exhibit this kind of attitude.

  8. Be respectful towards others

  Being respectful, regardless of your position and status in life, is a sign that your regard the other person highly. A socially competent person never displays the attitude of arrogance – that you are more knowledgeable than others or that you are better than the others in the group. You will notice that socially successful people are respectful and humble.

  9. Be true to yourself – People will sense if you are showing an image of a person totally different from what you actually are. And, when they do, they will come to doubt and mistrust you – something you must avoid if you are building a good relationship. People will accept you if the person you show matches what you say and do.

  Communicating Clearly

  There are people who find it easy to communicate their feelings. But, not all are blessed with this ability. There is hope, though, because communicating emotions can be learned. Below are tips that can guide you to become effective in communicating emotions:

  10. Identify your Emotions

  Be attentive to your inner self. We often ignore our feelings, but we can teach ourselves to notice and pay attention to our feelings. You may notice that our feelings are telling us something. When you need to sort out a mix of feelings, identify the primary feeling.

  11. Decide on how to communicate your emotions

  Once you have identified your feeling, think of how you are going to express the emotion. You may want to express your feelings to a particular person. There are times also when it is prudent not to communicate what you feel.

  Should you decide to communicate your emotions:

  Assess your current state – For instance, if you are angry, take a few minutes to cleanse your mind and body of the anger

  Decide whom to express your emotion – Expressing your emotion to another person prevents you from imposing your emotion on another who could be hurt

  Wait for the appropriate time to express your feelings – It may not be wise to respond to an emotional interaction when you are stressed, tired, preoccupied, on the defensive, or rushed.

  Choose a setting to discuss your feelings – An appropriate setting may be able to diffuse a negative emotion or boost a positive emotional transaction.

  12. Own your feelings

  If you use “I” in describing your feeling, you have a better chance of making the other person behave the way you want to. And, you will have the attention of the other person who would thoughtfully listen and respond to the expression of your emotions.

  13. Monitor your self-talk

  Learn how to tune in and to monitor your self-talk. Learning this ability can help you manage difficult emotions. When you self-talk, you refer to yourself in third person or by your name. By using this method, you distance yourself from yourself, allowing your brain activity to be less emotionally charged. You can then view the problem calmly and with creativity.

  14. Respond sensitively to the emotions of the other

  Be sensitive to what the other is expressing. Avoid responding in generalities, or attempt to solve the problem, or try to make the feeling go. What a person who is experiencing an emotion needs is to be free to express that emotion to another person.

  Mastering Emotions

  As described above, negative emotions have reasons behind their existence in your life. If you experience any or all of these negative emotions, you can still control and master your emotions, following the guides below:

  15. Keep a balanced body.

  You may have heard this advice from many sources. But, a healthy body is essential to a healthy emotional life. Modern lifestyle has you sitting before computers or glued to your desk most of the working day.

  You need to move your body to get back into balance. A walk would do as this reduces musings and reduces neural activity which leads to mental well-being. You can also go out and socialize with friends to get you out of ruminations.

  There are other ways to keep your body healthy, such as exercise, sleep, massage, time with nature, meditate, social contact, gratitude,
and giving.

  16. Distinguish your emotions

  Emotions can mix and blend such that you need to distinguish your emotions and refine it. When you succeed in refining your emotion, you can better regulate it. This is so because a refined emotion gives you the information you need to adjust or change your behavior and deal with the situation.

  17. Recall positive emotional experiences. Concepts re reinforced and embedded in your memory each time you focus your attention to them. Cherishing happy experiences and attending to positive concepts will make them prominent in your mind. When needed, these can help you anticipate emotional responses. Consider each experience you make as an investment. It is, therefore, wise for you to construct experiences that you can use in the future.

  Deconstruct and recategorize your emotions. What this means is that you separate your feelings from physical sensations and not let sensations filter your view of the world. For example, you deconstruct your feeling of anxiety to its physical sensation, like your racing pulse. Physical sensations are easier to control than feelings and emotions.

  Recategorization benefits you by regulating your emotions. For example in public speaking, when you recategorize your feeling of anxiety as your body’s natural response to cope with the situation, you will be surprised to see that you can now face your audience.

  Deconstructing and recategorizing emotions have health benefits when you realize that pain is a physical sensation and not a personal catastrophe. To sum it up, your internal state can impact on your emotions and behavior.

  The next time you feel a negative emotion, think of it as having a “virus” instead of believing that the unpleasant feeling you are experiencing is personal.

  19. Identify what you are truly feeling

  Be aware of what you are feeling and examine it. Try to separate the logical from illogical basis of the emotion. For example, when you believe that no one likes you ask yourself questions, like “Why do you say that no one likes you?” If you get turned down by one person, does it mean no one likes you?

  Look for evidence for your belief. Once you have identified the basis for your belief, you will notice that you are free from maladaptive emotion. Instead of rejection, you feel joy and contentment.

  20. Cultivate Awe

  Unknown to many, experiencing awe holds vast potential for the self and for the whole society. But, our present lifestyle has most people facing the screens that they lose or reduce the opportunities for evoking awe.

  Awe is the feeling or in a state of being in the presence of something vast that goes beyond a person’s understanding of the world.

  It is the experience that gives us goosebumps whenever we see beauty, virtue, ability, threat, and the supernatural. It is what we feel when we see a perfect form and line of an athlete in an Olympic balance beam, see a majestic waterfall, or when we hear roar of the thunder in a storm.

  Awe gives flavor to our experience because it encompasses a range of emotions which is similar to elevation, love, admiration, and gratitude. Though, admittedly, awe can also elicit fear, confusion, and dread.

  Experiencing awe gives us the benefit of creative and critical thinking faculties, increase in pro-social behaviors (kindness, cooperation, resource-sharing, and self-sacrifice), and improved health.

  21. Gain new concepts

  Stimulate your brain by acquiring new concepts and incorporate them to the old ones. Doing so arms you with the knowledge to predict future behaviors.

  For example, when you enlarge your vocabulary improves your emotional health by making you better equipped when confronted with different situations, circumstances, improve your empathy, and enhance your negotiation skills.

  You also gain new concepts when you enrich and accumulate experiences by reading books, taking trips, sampling new foods, gaining new perspectives, watching movies, or studying foreign languages. You could even study

  Exercises to develop your social skills

  Practice making eye contact with yourself

  This exercise may seem crazy and uncomfortable at first. But, take note that your eyes are the most compelling form of communication. Your eyes can either be intimidating or inviting. So, use it properly. But, before you can use it, you need to practice and master it first.

  Face a mirror and look straight to your eyes in the mirror for as long as you can. You may feel uncomfortable and absurd doing this, but resist the temptation to look away. Accept the discomfort – this is part of the exercise.

  Once you are comfortable making eye-to-eye contact with yourself at the mirror, smile slowly. Hold this smile. When you start feeling uncomfortable, look away and after a few minutes, reengage.

  Perform this exercise until you feel comfortable smiling at yourself.

  Listen to a recording of yourself talking to yourself

  Have you noticed that before you talk, you try to filter what you say? Often, we find it difficult to speak up. Try doing this exercise to help you boost your confidence in talking:

  Every day for five minutes or more, practice talking out loud to yourself. Just say anything that comes into your mind. The purpose of this exercise is to help you get rid of the filters.

  Record yourself when you perform this exercise. The aim is for you to like and trust your voice.

  Another way is to take a video of you talking to yourself. When you play it back, you might see mannerisms that you are not aware of. Observing these behaviors in yourself can help you change your habit in talking in talking or conversing.

  Write your stories

  There are people who are adept in telling their stories or in keeping their audience entertained. These people, though, had years of practice telling their stories, or the stories may have been told and retold several times that it comes naturally to them.

  You can also become good catching the attention of your audience. But, you need to work on it and apply it in situations. Prepare yourself to become one through the following:

  Think of three or four of your stories

  Pick the one you like most and write it down

  If you are not sure which one to pick, you can test each story with your friends. Observe their response. From the responses you get, you will know which story to choose.

  Hone your story. Too long will make your audience impatient. Your story has to be short and punchy.

  Practice telling your story. You can record or video yourself telling the story. You will then be able to observe yourself talking, and be able to practice your timing and cadence.

  Practice making small talk

  Technology has its downside – one of which is making lose face-to-face contact with people. Conversations channeled through Facebook, emails, text and instant messages made our social skills rusty. One way to go around this weakness is to practice making small talk.

  There are people we meet every day – your neighbor, the barista at your favorite watering hole, the workplace, the waiter in the restaurants, and at many more places. They provide opportunities to practice our social skills by having short conversations with them. The purpose is to practice starting conversations.

  Practice confidence

  Many individuals have the misconception that you either have confidence or you don’t. They are not aware that confidence is developed and can be acquired through practice. Believe that if you act confident, you become confident. And, here’s how:

  Go about your everyday business and project confidence. Pay attention to your posture – back straight, head high, shoulders back, chest out, and your arms at your sides.

  Walk slowly and with a purpose. Move carefully and deliberately, and when you meet someone, smile and make eye contact.

  At the end of the day, recall your feelings. How did it feel the first with your first attempt? The succeeding attempts throughout the day? Did you notice changes in your feelings as you go through the day?

  You might have felt nervous at the first attempt. But, you will notice that as you go through the
day, you become more at ease with your “confidence” posture.

  Conclusion

  I’d like to thank you and congratulate you for transiting my lines from start to finish.

  The mystery of successful leadership was ended with the appearance of the emotional intelligence in the scene. Emotional intelligence is not new, but this has been overshadowed by the predominance of intelligence as the key to success in life and work.

  With Daniel Goleman’s popularization of Emotional Intelligence through his published works, EQ as a driving force behind life’s success to all aspects in life – be it at home, at work, or anywhere else.

  Success in life and work is no mystery. Numerous studies on emotional intelligence show that EQ can be learned, developed, and mastered. But, since this quality is internal to a person and, therefore, not easily read nor interpreted, you need to understand and practice the skills.

  We have presented in this book the emotional and social skills so you may have a grasp of the concepts. We included simple guides and exercises to help you develop and master the skills need in developing social relationships and be successful.

  It does not mean, however, that once you have learned and mastered the skills you stop to learn. Mastering emotional and social skills may require a lifetime of practice. You will be confronted with all sorts of relationships and situations in your day-to-day activities and you need these skills to allow you to face the challenge of the day.

  I hope this book was able to help you in your desire to learn about emotional intelligence and how it works.