Suzy Spitfire Kills Everybody

by Joe Canzano

  Suzy shrugged. “Okay, you win. We surrender.”

  There was another round of looks and murmurs.

  “Prepare to be boarded,” Crush said. “If you resist in any way we will pull back and vaporize you. Do you get it?”

  “I get it. No resistance. I promise.”

  The Heartbreaker shook once again as two pirate ships performed a soft collision against the hull. They were attaching their suckers and would be boarding soon.

  Suzy shut off the radio and looked around. “Now listen to me,” she said. “These pirates are after me and my friends, and I guess they’d like to get this ship, too—but they’re pretty damn mad, and there’s a good chance they’ll kill the rest of you, do you hear me? Don’t be fooled. Our only chance is to fight.”

  “But it’s not our fight!” said the red-haired girl.

  “It is now,” said one of the guys. “Bob turned it into our fight.”

  “But how will we do it? We just surrendered.”

  “Yeah, we did,” Suzy said. “But we’re going to ‘un-surrender’ once they get here—which will be soon. So who’s with me?”

  There were two men and three woman still standing under Maria’s watchful gaze. They’d been frozen with terror as Suzy and Ricardo had fought the pirates, and they looked just as scared now. One of them, a pale-skinned girl with greenish hair and gobs of jewelry hanging from her face said, “We’re just part of a theater troupe… We were in the middle of a rehearsal when they attacked, and we’re not pirates at all. Bob got us all fired up and we went along for the ride. You were the first ones we stopped—and most of us didn’t enjoy it one bit. We just want to go home.”

  Suzy’s jaw dropped. A theater troupe—right. But how had they stolen the ship? Right on cue, Ned said, “The ship belongs to Bob’s parents. They own a chain of health clubs, and I can’t say they’ll be too thrilled about the condition of their luxury yacht.” Then he grimaced and said, “I’ll do my best to help.”

  The remaining people nodded.

  “Great,” Suzy said. “Maria, give them back their guns. Alice—are you with us?”

  Suzy held her breath.

  Alice stood up. She looked down at Bob, who was sleeping like a stone. Then she stared at Suzy with a fierce expression. “All right, I’m with you. I am.”

  Suzy sighed with relief. She was pretty sure Alice was one of the few people here who would be much help.

  “Where are they coming aboard?” Suzy said.

  Alice was right beside her now. She touched a few controls and a blueprint of the ship popped up. The pirate vessels were also outlined on the screen.

  “There,” Alice said. “Deck two—near the gym. Also, deck four, near the Pig and Sky. ”

  “The what?”

  “The Pig and Sky. It’s a pub.”

  “Of course it is,” Suzy said. “Okay, let’s get some people to those locations fast. A few sober ones would be nice. And do we have any other weapons? Or is it just these pistols?”

  “Just these, I’m afraid,” Ned said. “But none of them have the variable power clips. We’ve only got the legal kind that fire stun shots. So if you’re tired of that, or if we need something more, we don’t have much.”

  Suzy shook her head. “I’m tired of that and we need something more. What about the MECHs on our ship?”

  “The what?”

  “The heavy guns stashed behind the bar; those can really get someone’s attention. Did anyone take them?”

  “Right. We saw those but I don’t think anyone touched them. We mainly just grabbed the liquor. But we do have some communications devices you might find useful.”

  He reached into a compartment and handed Ricardo, Maria, and Suzy each a tiny pin that attached to their lapels. ”Just keep channel 1 open all the time.”

  “Thanks,” Suzy said. “You and Ricardo and the rest of you go to the Pig and Sky. Get as many others as you can along the way. I’ll go with Alice and Maria to the gym... But first, Ricardo, we need to stop off at the hangar deck."

  Ricardo grinned. “Aye-aye, Captain. Let’s go!”

  They raced out of the bridge and headed for a new battle.

  Chapter 23

  Suzy and Ricardo ran to the hangar deck. They bolted into the Correcaminos Rojo and there were the MECHS, still stashed behind the bar.

  “Why are these energized?” Ricardo said.

  “I plugged them into an energy port when I came on board. Of course, I had to disconnect the drink mixer.”

  “Hey, that was a good idea. Except for the part where I might need to mix a drink. Also, it violates a pile of safety regulations.”

  “I’ve done that before, Ricardo.”

  “I believe it,” he said with a grin. “You’re kind of like a walking violation... I guess I better get over to the pub.”

  “Right.”

  They stood and stared at each other, and Suzy felt her heart pounding. She didn’t want him to separate from her. She just didn’t. But of course, the two best fighters shouldn’t be in the same group.

  She felt frozen, like she wanted something to happen—a hug, some words—but instead she just gave a little shrug.

  “Be careful,” she said.

  “You, too.”

  “I’ll see you soon.”

  “Count on it.”

  She pried her feet from the floor and turned to go. Then Ricardo said, “Suzy—wait.”

  She instantly felt light, like a balloon. She turned back around and Ricardo dropped his MECH. She did the same, and he hugged her hard.

  “I want to see you again, Suzy Spitfire.”

  “I want to see you, too.”

  They kissed—it was quick, but it felt warm and hot and hopeful. And then they raced off in opposite directions.

  When she reached the gym, she found Alice and Maria there with six other crew members. Apparently, Alice had started organizing things.

  When she saw the weapon in Suzy’s arms, she smiled. “Hello, Captain Suzy. Now that’s a big one, isn’t it? Bigger than anything Bob ever brought around, that’s for sure.” Then she pointed to some dumbbells. “I suppose I could do a few reps while we wait, eh? I mean assuming no one blows my arms off.”

  Suzy laughed. “Yeah, it’s good to stay active, but I hate going to the gym unless there’s a gunfight going on.”

  She surveyed the room, with its platoon of stationery bikes, treadmills, and weight machines standing at attention before a grinning wall of windows. Outside the windows was the gunmetal-gray hull of a pirate ship, with its “sucker lock” attached to a spot right near a snack bar.

  There was a noise coming from the wall as Suzy searched for a spot to plant the heavy gun. It seemed that the “lat pull-down machine” provided solid cover. The chrome finish of the weapon blended well with the frame of surrounding steel and made it look like just another happy torture device.

  “All right, listen up,” Suzy said. She made sure her communicator was open so everyone in Ricardo’s group could also hear her. “We told these pirates we wouldn’t resist, but let’s assume they’re not dumb enough to believe us. It would be great if we could draw them out of the tunnel and into the room before we start shooting, but that might not happen. So just stay calm and don’t shoot until I do.”

  Alice sprang forward. “Captain Suzy, I think we can help with this. We’re not the best shots—but we are good at pretending. After all, we’re actors.”

  Suzy cocked her head and considered her words. Some of them nodded in agreement.

  There was a loud bonking sound from the wall and a buzzing noise.

  “Stay back,” Suzy said. “And get down!”

  She’d never seen this done before, but she’d heard about it during her travels. Suddenly there was a hissing sound, and she watched as the red-hot outline of a door started creeping across the wall. Then there was an explosion and the outlined area flew across the room.

  “Here they come!” Suzy said.

  The main prob
lem with being a space pirate was the boarding procedure. Regardless of how badly a pirate ship might pummel an opponent, the only way to get on board and barrel-up the booty was through a relatively small opening that could easily be defended. The most common solution was to promise the passengers that no one would be hurt if they didn’t resist. On luxury liners and cargo ships this often worked well, since most people would rather give up their things than their lives. Other possibilities involved towing the entire vessel to a safe port, or sucking a smaller ship into a hangar—but these options came with new hazards.

  In the case of a ship like the Heartbreaker—a ship that had resisted like a snarling pit bull before placing a presumably dangerous ‘prisoner’ in charge—the pirates would be careful. They had a verbal surrender but they probably wouldn’t count on it. Suzy vaguely wondered if they would fire gas grenades through the door. She’d heard of this being done and hoped it wasn’t going to happen today since none of her crew had masks. Luckily, it seemed that these pirates only had smoke grenades.

  There was a loud whoosh as two of them were fired into the room. But they both slammed into the “thigh-blaster” and bounced right back into the passageway. So that’s what that thing is good for, Suzy thought. She heard some curses from inside the passage as the bombs exploded and a tongue of smoke unfurled from the mouth of the opening. It dissipated quickly in the room, due to the ship’s top-notch air filtration system.

  Suzy was tempted to start shooting—but she didn’t, because how many people were in the tunnel? No need to ruin the big surprise until everyone came to the party.

  “Hang back!” she said to everyone.

  It was just as well, since no one had looked eager to attack. In fact, Alice had directed everyone to stand in two lines near the smoky entrance, like some sort of stately welcoming committee. Then she told everyone to hide their weapons. What the fuck? Suzy was about to make a joke about maybe including a choir with trumpets but she changed her mind. It was a feel thing. Alice might know what she was doing.

  Suzy gritted her teeth and ducked down behind the stack of weights attached to the lat machine. Meanwhile, there was a lot of swearing coming from inside the jagged doorway. Suzy used her lapel link to talk to Ricardo.

  “The door is open in the gym,” she said. “They tried to get some cover with a few smoke grenades but they fucked it up.”

  “They’ve got their sucker attached down here,” Ricardo said. “It looks like they’re cutting the door, but they might not come through until they’ve secured your area.”

  “That would be the smart way to do it, but these people don’t seem too smart. So far they’re just doing a lot of coughing. Damn! Here they come.”

  Two men wearing vests and visors were advancing through the smoke, down in a crouch and holding rifles.

  They stopped at the opening. Their eyes jumped around, scanning the area. Then they looked at the Heartbreaker crew lined up on either side. All of the crew members had their hands in the air.

  “Hello, pirates, sirs,” said Alice. She stepped forward in her busty red dress, giving the invaders a whopping view of her cleavage. “We surrender! We’ve locked our prisoners back in the brig, and we just want to go home.”

  The pirates were scrubby-looking guys. One of them was black with frizzy dreadlocks, and one of them was white with a shiny bald head, and both of them resembled castaways crawling out of a cave. They looked at Alice, and they looked at the crew dressed in their Elizabethan costumes. Their faces were screwed up in a “what-the-fuck-is-this?” kind of stare.

  “What the hell are you supposed to be?” one of them said.

  Alice smiled. “We’re the London Interplanetary Theater Troupe. We perform Shakespeare, and we’d be happy to do a performance for you.”

  “Is that so?” said the pirate. He glanced at a digital screen in his hand and looked again at the crew. He waved his rifle around and said, “Get up against the wall, honey.”

  “Yes, of course,” she said. Then she looked at him with eyes so soft and pleading like a wounded doe. “We’re sorry for all the trouble; it was caused by that horrible Captain Orange and then his prisoners. We’ve never hurt anyone. We don’t want any problems. ”

  The crew agreed with wide-eyed gusto.

  The other pirate rolled his eyes and touched a communicator. “All secure. None of the prisoners are here. You might want to come out and see this.”

  Five more men came walking out of the passageway. Suzy had a bad feeling about what they had in mind. She didn’t know how many more were on the ship—but she guessed this was as many as she’d get in one salvo. And then she heard Alice say, “You’re not going to kill us, are you?”

  The pirates laughed. One of them pointed at her and looked at his partners. “It would be a waste of two good tits. Maybe we should keep this one alive for a bit.”

  “Yeah. You can do your Shakespeare for us, honey—naked, and squealing like a pig.”

  Alice smiled again—and then she ripped open her dress. Her melon-sized breasts came spilling out like a pair of bursting bombs. For one perfect second, every pair of pirate eyes was drawn to her bouncing boobs.

  Alice grinned and said, “Cry ‘havoc’ and let slip the dogs of war!”

  Suzy didn’t know a whole lot of Shakespeare—but she knew a good cue when she heard one.

  She leaped up as Alice and her crew dove to the ground. With a shout, she pulled the trigger on the MHEC and the gun erupted with a deafening deluge of high energy destruction.

  The pirates never had a chance. Most of them barely got their eyes unglued from Alice’s nipples. The crew of the Heartbreaker watched the slaughter in shock, but Suzy wasted no time gawking—she was just getting started. She leaped from behind the gun and charged forward with her pistol held high.

  “Come on!” she said. “We’ve got to get the ship.”

  She raced into the connecting passageway. As soon as she entered, she encountered two guys coming the opposite way. She was quick and they were slow and she shot them both.

  She saw that Alice was right behind her now, along with a couple of others. Suzy advanced fast through the ship, pointing her gun at every nook and cranny.

  “If you see anyone, shoot!” Suzy said.

  There was a loud bang as an energy bullet exploded just above her head. She spotted the shooter behind a bulkhead. She ducked down as he fired another shot.

  Suzy returned fire but missed. She inched forward, still in a crouch. The guy leaped out to fire again—bad timing. Suzy shot him in the face.

  She heard static and explosions in her lapel mic. Ricardo’s crew was getting into it now. She heard the pounding of her heart in her ears.

  She whipped open a door and pointed her gun—no one. She did the same thing in the next room—no one. The tiny galley was also empty. Of course, this was a small attack craft meant to fight and transport people. It wasn’t meant for long-term living, so there shouldn’t be much area to clear. She quickly reached the aft end of the ship.

  She raced back the way she’d come and saw Alice and two crewmen. “Did you find anyone?”

  “Not a one,” Alice replied.

  “Good! Let’s get going.”

  She ran to the cockpit and slid into the pilot’s seat.

  She grabbed a headset and tapped its connection pad to link it to her communicator.

  “Ricardo, what’s going on?”

  His voice crackled in her headphones. “We’re inside the ship. It looks all clear.

  “Great! I’m initiating takeoff. Ned, get up to the bridge… How do I disengage the sucker thing?”

  She scanned the controls fast.

  The pirate’s “sucker passage” had an airlock midway through it. Suzy had raced through this airlock to reach the pirate ship—but this door now had to be closed because the pirates had punched a hole through the Heartbreaker’s hull, and if the middle door remained open the Heartbreaker would lose its atmosphere. She also had to disengage th
e passage from the correct end and leave the sucker behind, sticking out of the Heartbreaker’s side like a twisted branch.

  She didn’t see the control. Where the fuck is it? Where?

  Ricardo’s voice crackled again. “Suzy, look on the right side of the panel—the first option you see on the green screen.”

  “Got it! Alice, is that airlock closed?”

  “Yes.”

  “All right. We’re out of here!”

  She hit the button and fingered various controls. The pirate ship disconnected from the passage and lurched forward into space. She looked out the window and watched the Heartbreaker spinning away above her. Then she saw the other pirate attack craft—the one piloted by Ricardo—disengaging from the starboard side.

  For one quick second, she enjoyed the star-splattered view, and she realized how much she loved piloting a spaceship.

  Then she started scanning the heavens, as well as her data screens, for the other pirate attack craft. Originally, there had been ten ships. They had destroyed four—and they now controlled two more. So that left four still out there, plus probably a larger ship they hadn’t seen yet. It was best to forget about that one for now.

  It didn’t take long to find the pirates. She saw two of them right up ahead.

  “Ricardo, I have a visual on two.”

  “Right. They’re just sitting there. Maybe they haven’t figured out what’s going on yet.”

  Right on cue, they both started moving fast.

  “I think they’ve figured it out,” he said.

  “Too little too late.”

  Suzy locked her guns on target and fired—and scored a direct hit on one ship. The other one was already turning away but then Ricardo’s ship was there, blasting away—another direct hit.

  Neither ship was destroyed, but their deflector shields and basic functions were definitely weakened.

  Alice was sitting in the copilot’s seat now.

  “Great shot!” Alice said.