Suzy Spitfire Kills Everybody

by Joe Canzano

  Ricardo ran to her, and he wrapped her in his arms. She instantly felt electrified. He pulled back for a second and stared into her eyes—and then he kissed her hard on the lips.

  She was stunned. She felt the blood pounding in her ears, and she heard people in the room whooping and cheering. Now she wanted to shove him away—but she didn’t. Public displays of affection weren’t her thing, but after the shock wore off, she found herself getting lost. She felt light and airy, like someone drifting through space.

  Then she ended it.

  Ricardo just smiled. “That was some fancy flying out there, Suzy. I’ve never kissed such a great pilot before.”

  “Thanks. I’ve never kissed someone who was wearing such a silly hat.”

  Ricardo grinned. “There’s a first time for everything.”

  “Yeah,” she said, and for some reason imagined an iceberg melting. Then she walked away from him, in the direction of a fish tank. But did she need to stare at a bunch of goldfish? Not really.

  Meanwhile, the Elizabethan crew ramped up the party. Out of nowhere, goblets and glasses appeared. Nate and a few ladies in Shakespearean costumes started dancing to an unseen string quartet while Ricardo and Alice began laughing and joking in the corner. Before long Suzy found herself with a drink in her hand, and she knew what to do with it. But she only did it once. She was usually up for a good celebration, but she also knew Bob had notified their pursuers of their location and so her top priority was to get the hell out of here—and by the way, where was Bob?

  Damn! She’d forgotten all about him! And now here he was—walking into the room, flanked by three men with pistols.

  Suzy’s heart skipped a beat as the party slammed to a stop.

  The room went silent. Bob and his motley gang scowled and aimed their guns at the crowd.

  “Look at this,” Bob said. “Is someone having a party? Why didn’t you invite your captain?”

  He looked beat up. His face was puffy and his eyes were circled by black rings. He took a few swigs from a bottle of rum and swaggered a bit.

  Obviously, with all the fighting going on, no one had thought to drag his battered body down to the brig.

  Suzy itched to pull her pistol—but she didn’t. Instead, she searched everyone’s eyes to read their loyalties.

  Ned crossed his arms and met Bob’s vulture glare with his own. “Bob, you’re not in charge anymore. We’re done with this pirating stuff. Give the ship back to your parents and let’s forget the whole thing.”

  At the mention of his parents, Bob’s eyes got wide with rage.

  “My fucking parents had nothing to do with it! We stole this ship. We fought for it!”

  Alice gave a sarcastic laugh. “Bob, they let you borrow it for our theater tour and you ran off with it—and now you’ve gone and destroyed it, and I think we’re going to miss most of our dates. If you’re lucky, your parents won’t sack you as manager of their health clubs.”

  “You back-stabbing bitch,” Bob said with a sneer. ”Shut your fat mouth! You’re all traitors. If you’re lucky, I won’t kill every one of you.”

  He fired a few shots into the furniture, and a leather lounge chair collapsed. Suzy yanked out her pistol and aimed at Bob—and then the three guys aimed their guns at her. Most of the crew pulled out their weapons, aiming at the three guys.

  Someone shrieked, “No shooting! No shooting!”

  Everyone was itching to fire—and Suzy did.

  Nothing happened. She stared at the gun and her heart sank—damn! The red light was on, showing that it was disabled.

  Bob laughed. With a leer he held up a small box, and Suzy narrowed her eyes. It looked like the controller she’d smashed on the bridge.

  “Did you really think I only had one of these?” Bob said. He looked at Alice. “Do you recall that I had you make me two of them, dear?” He pointed at their weapons. “I’ve disabled all of the guns except mine and the people loyal to me. And our guns fire full-powered energy bullets. So you see, you’re totally fucked.”

  Everyone was staring at their weapons now and noticing the same thing Suzy had just discovered. Damn.

  Bob looked at Suzy with a straight-razor kind of drunken grin. “I’d love to kill you, Suzy; I really would. But I’d like that reward money, and I’d like to capture an armed fugitive. So I was thinking maybe I’d just tie you up and teach you a lesson before the authorities show up. Maybe give you a few scars, the way you’ve given them to me. And then maybe I’ll even give you something extra.”

  He winked at her with one sleazy, swollen eye. People in the room looked shocked.

  “You’ve got no right, Bob,” one young girl said. “Who do you think you are?”

  “I’m a fucking pirate!” he shrieked. “I’m not the manager of a stupid health club, and I’m not part of your loser theater group. I’m a pirate and this is my ship!”

  Ricardo glanced at Suzy. She glanced back at him. She felt her heart beating fast as she gave a short shake of her head. Not yet, Ricardo. We’ll get our chance.

  Ricardo snarled and said, “It’s not your ship anymore, Captain!” Then he charged at Bob.

  Suzy’s mouth dropped open. “No!” she shouted. But she could only watch as Bob aimed his gun at Ricardo’s forehead and pulled the trigger.

  Nothing happened.

  Then Ricardo grabbed Bob by the throat with his left hand and punched him in the jaw with his right. The other three guys fired at Ricardo—but once again there was no sound from the weapons.

  With a roar, the rest of the crew charged. Fists started flying, and Bob and his group were throwing punches and screaming—but the numbers weren’t in their favor. In a flash, they were on the ground, being pummeled by a swarm of fists and feet. Suzy found herself in the middle of it. She felt good about getting a few solid shots in here and there.

  Then a gun did fire and everyone stopped moving.

  Standing over by the fish tank was Alice. In one hand she held a pistol. In the other, she held a device similar to the one Bob had held initially. It was another controller.

  “All right,” she said. “Everybody up. Everyone pick up a gun—except for you four lowlifes.”

  She was pointing at Bob and his three conspirators, who were looking bruised and bloody. When everyone had a weapon, she pressed a few buttons on the device and all the guns were switched on again. She looked at Bob with a combination of sadness and white hot hatred.

  “Yes, Bob, I knew there was another controller,” she said. “Unfortunately, I got busy fighting real pirates and didn’t bother to take it from your cabin. But while you trusted no one else, I did not completely trust you, and so I made another one for myself—a ‘master’ kind of master controller. I shut off all the guns when you walked in.”

  She wiped a few tears from her eyes. “I loved you, Bob. But now I can see what you really are… Lock them up.”

  ***

  Suzy and her group had to move fast. She was sure that Blurr and his force would be arriving soon.

  Suzy, Ricardo, and Maria went to the “brig suite” to grab their things. There wasn’t much. Alice said they could keep anything they liked from the wardrobe closet. Suzy wasn’t known for her clothing collection, but she’d left Earth abruptly and a few extra outfits would be nice.

  As for the Heartbreaker, the ship was in rough shape, but the life support systems were functional and the engines could limp along. Suzy was happy that Alice, Ned, and most of the crew were planning to abandon the Heartbreaker and escape in the two pirate vessels. It would be a cramped few days, but they should be able to make it to Glorificon, a floating city-state close by. It had actually been one of the destinations of the theater tour, and Alice said they planned to do their contracted performance there. Of course, they would need someone else to play the part of Hamlet.

  The crew stopped partying and started loading the ships. They even helped Ricardo dispose of the dead pirates in the gym. Suzy was impressed by their newfound steel an
d dedication, although the first thing they packed was the alcohol.

  Unfortunately, the Correcaminos Rojo was still damaged. This meant they’d be flying to Choccoban slowly—but that was fine. Suzy couldn’t wait to get back out there.

  Suzy approached Ricardo as he was loading some supplies. The Heartbreaker crew had been generous with their well-stocked dining provisions, and Ricardo had immediately plundered a few gallons of ice cream.

  Ricardo looked at her and smiled. “Guess what? They had black raspberry. And I snagged all of it—just for you.”

  “Thanks.”

  She stood there, unmoving.

  “Is something wrong, Suzy?”

  “Yeah,” she said, and felt herself squirming a bit. “I just—I don’t know… When you charged at Bob, it was so stupid. You didn’t know Alice had disabled the guns, right? So you were just going to get yourself killed.”

  “Maybe. But when he started talking about you, I lost my cool. I’m glad it worked out. Like I said, we make a good team.”

  She looked away from him, across the floor of the hangar deck. “Okay. But every member of a team needs to know their role—and my role is to be the stupid hothead. Are you following me?”

  “I am,” he said with a grin. “You think I’m infringing on your territory.”

  “Right. And I don’t want you to do it again.”

  “I’m touched that you’re so worried about me.”

  “I am worried about you.”

  “Are you saying that you like me, Suzy Spitfire? Even though I know your last name?”

  “Yeah. I’m saying that I like you. And I’m saying that people who I’ve liked in the past have let me down in a big way—my father, my mother, my uncle, whoever. So don’t fuck it up.”

  He reached out and took her in his arms. “Don’t worry, honey. You can trust me.”

  He gave her a quick kiss. He was ready to plant another one when she stopped him and pulled away.

  “All right,” she said. “That was good. Now let’s get the ship loaded and get out of here.”

  He grinned again. “Aye-aye, Captain.” Then he went off in search of more supplies.

  Suzy once again walked around the vessel, looking it over. Then Alice showed up with a report.

  Bob would be released from the brig right before everyone else left the ship. Despite his damning behavior, Suzy had agreed not to harm him—mostly because of Alice’s pleading, but partly for logistical reasons. Bob’s acts of piracy couldn’t be reported without implicating the whole crew, and his sexual assault of Suzy couldn’t be prosecuted without Suzy as a witness.

  “He’ll have to live with himself,” Alice said.

  Suzy gave a snort. “He likes himself just fine.”

  “He’ll have to live with his mother, too. I sent her quite a message, complete with forensic evidence.”

  “I should’ve killed him. Maybe I’m not so strong.”

  “Mercy takes more strength than savagery.”

  “Does it? I hope I can be weaker in the future.”

  The three guys who’d been with Bob had decided to stay with him as he took the Heartbreaker back to Earth. It looked like they were in for a long journey at a slow speed, but they had plenty of supplies and with such a small crew there would never be any wait time to use the fitness center. Either way, they’d probably be picked up long before they got to Earth. No doubt Bob planned to tell a few tall tales about his bravery and survival.

  Alice grinned. “As promised, I got Bob’s vault open. I believe you were asking about this?”

  She had a gun in her hand. Suzy stared at her Series 7 pulse pistol like she was finding a clump of diamonds. In fact, she was happier—she couldn’t shoot anyone with a diamond.

  “Yeah! Thanks,” Suzy said. “I wasn’t going to leave without it. It was my grandmother’s.”

  She strapped it to her thigh while Alice laughed.

  “So I guess kicking arse runs in your family.”

  “Some of my family. My grandmother’s still alive, but she’s sick. Someday I’m going to get her a new heart. I just hope she can last that long.”

  “If her heart’s half as strong as yours, she’ll be around a while. You’re a plucky one, that’s for sure.”

  “Thanks, Alice. So are you. Good luck out there.”

  Suzy was happy Alice hadn’t been dumb enough to forgive Bob—or take him back as a lover. People do dumb stuff like that, she thought. Forgiveness is so fucking overrated.

  Suzy gave Alice one last hug and headed into the ship just as Ricardo appeared again with one last jug of maple syrup. Inside the cockpit, Suzy slid into the pilot’s seat. About twenty minutes later, they were leaving the Heartbreaker behind. She watched the two ships piloted by Ned and Alice head out ahead of them.

  Suzy rolled her head back in her chair. “Maybe things will stay calm for a while.”

  Ricardo was squinting at a display and shaking his head. “It doesn’t look that way… We’ve got a problem.”

  Suzy glanced at the data screens and caught her breath—no!

  She saw a whole fleet of military attack ships heading toward them and closing fast.

  “Blurr!” Suzy said. “They must have come from Super Station 6. They must be responding to Bob’s message.”

  “We’re not that close to Super Station 6.”

  “They probably left a few days ago—dammit! And look, another ship.”

  It was coming from the other direction. Apparently, it was rendezvousing with the attack fleet.

  “Damn,” Ricardo said. “We just can’t seem to catch a break.”

  He stared at Suzy hard.

  “Suzy, we cannot fight these guys. Do you hear me? Are you listening?”

  Suzy scowled. Was someone talking to her? She curled her hand into a fist.

  “Ricardo, I’m not letting Blurr take me alive.”

  “What? What are you talking about? Don’t say that.”

  She was about to tell him when Bob’s voice filled the cockpit. It was a message he was sending on an open channel to the incoming vessels. He was using his gruff, pirate voice.

  “Hello, Commander Blurr. This is Captain Orange on the Heartbreaker. It’s good to see you. We’ve captured the fugitives.”

  At the sound of Bob’s voice, Suzy felt like her head would explode.

  She jammed her finger down hard on the radio button. “Bob, you fucking rapist! You didn’t capture anyone… You and those scumbags on board are lucky I didn’t kill you all. You can thank Alice for that.”

  Bob laughed. “Suzy, didn’t you like my hospitality? But in the end, it looks like I’ll be watching you hauled off to your execution. So sad.”

  “No one’s hauling me anywhere.”

  Bob just laughed again.

  Then another voice came on the line, and Suzy felt a tremor go up her spine—it was Blurr.

  “Hello, Captain Orange,” Blurr said. “It looks like you’re a little beat up.”

  “They put up more resistance than we expected,” Bob said. “But in the end, they were no match for us.”

  “You’ve done a great job. We’ll send a ship over there to get them.”

  “Wonderful! But, uh, they’re not actually here. They’re out there on that other ship… The one that looks like a bird.”

  Blurr gave a sarcastic laugh. “That’s a very sophisticated way of identifying a space vessel, Captain. What if I think it looks more like a bat?”

  Suzy rolled her eyes. “Can you believe this conversation?”

  “No,” Ricardo said. ”Obviously, this ship looks like a bird.”

  Blurr said, “Suzy, can you hear me? Of course you can. Are you and your friends on board the Correcaminos Rojo? Or are you in one of the other pirate ships?”

  “We’re on the Correcaminos,” Suzy said. “And those other two ships aren’t pirates—they’re part of a theater troupe. They got roped into the whole pirate thing by ‘Captain Rapist’ over on the Heartbreaker. They’re
innocent, Blurr. Let them go.”

  “Fine. I’ll let them go.”

  “What?”

  “I said I believe you, and I’ll let them go. We just want you and the people from Los Pocos.”

  “What about me?” Captain Orange said. “Don’t I get my reward?”

  “You’ll get what’s coming to you, Captain. Take a look outside. It’s on the way.”

  No sooner had he spoken than the fleet of attack ships swarmed around the Heartbreaker.

  “Hey! Wait a second! What are you doing?”

  Several of the ships launched their missiles.

  “Stop! Wait! Do you know who my parents are?”

  There was a colorful burst of light and the Heartbreaker was gone.

  Chapter 26

  Suzy stared at the emptiness of outer space and compared it to how she felt inside.

  This freaky wasteland has got nothing on me.

  “I won’t surrender, Ricardo. It’s not going to happen.”

  Ricardo grabbed her hand. “We can’t fight them, Suzy. The best thing to do is give up—for now. And then wait for our chance.”

  “You and your sister like that phrase, don’t you?”

  “Why not? It’s kept us alive.”

  “Suzy, he’s right,” Maria said as she walked into the cockpit. “We’ve gotten out of some tough spots before. We can do it again.”

  Suzy shook her head. “I don’t want to fight them out here; I don’t want you two to get killed because of me. But when we dock I’m going to come out shooting. I’ll take as many of them with me as I can.”

  “They won’t kill you,” Ricardo said. “They’re just going to fire stun shots. So unless you’re planning to stick a gun in your mouth you’ll have to stay alive. But I don’t think you’re a quitter.”

  In a flash, Suzy’s hand shot out and seized Ricardo’s shirt in her fist. “Not everyone who kills themselves is a quitter!”

  Ricardo blinked—but then a light of understanding seemed to come into his eyes.

  “Hey, I didn’t mean it like that,” he said. “I forgot. I’m sorry.”

  Suzy froze. Then she let go of his shirt and took a deep breath.