And Then You Dance

by Heather A Buchman

  “I know. But—”

  “But she’s with Billy. I get it. I’m as worried as you are. I mean, I hope she’s still with Billy.”

  Liv slugged him. “Why did you have to say that? Now I’m more worried than I was before.”

  ***

  “You seem different,” he said.

  “What do you mean? Different how?”

  “I don’t know. I mean, I’ve been in hell for the last eight months. You seem kinda…fine.”

  She set her plate down and looked right at him. “Don’t misjudge me Billy. I can assure you I’ve been to hell and back again these last few months.”

  “See? That’s what I mean. You’re so…good at saying what you’re thinking.”

  “I guess you’re right. I used to be afraid to tell you what I thought or how I was feeling.”

  “Really? Well that makes me feel like shit. So what’s different?”

  “I don’t know exactly. I grew up.”

  “Are you sure it isn’t that you don’t care what I think?”

  “It’s that too, at least a little.”

  He looked wounded.

  “If you didn’t want the answer to the question Billy, you shouldn’t have asked it.”

  “Damn Renie, I don’t know how best to handle this.”

  “Me either.”

  “I’ve never been so afraid of the words ‘we should talk,’ in my life.”

  “We should though.”

  “I need you to tell me what you’re thinking and feeling first Renie. If you can’t do that, I’m not sure we’re gonna get much talking done.”

  “No, I can.” She stood up and got her cell phone out. “I should call my mom first though. I need her to check on Pooh, which I’m sure she has already. She’s probably completely freaking out.”

  He wanted to laugh, but he couldn’t. He was sure Liv was freaking out, but he couldn’t get past what she said, that she was going to talk. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear whatever it was she had to say. He also needed to call his mother, and check on his baby girl. He was afraid of that too. What if that made Renie freak out?

  “I need to call home too Renie,” he said, grabbing her wrist so she’d look at him. “I need to check on Willow.”

  “I know you do Billy.” She walked into the other room while she punched the speed dial on her phone.

  “Hi Mom,” Renie said when her mom answered the phone.

  “Hi.”

  “I’m with Billy.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. Everything okay?”

  “It’s okay for now anyway.”

  “Do you need anything?”

  “Pooh’s in the barn.”

  “Yes I know. I went and said hello. She looks good. And Micah’s happy.”

  “Good. Um, I’m not sure when I’ll be back.”

  “Okay. That’s fine. Text me so I don’t worry.”

  “It won’t be tonight.”

  “I figured that Renie,” she laughed. “You’re welcome to bring him around here in the morning. Well I guess you have to since he has to bring you home.”

  “Yep, he has to bring me home,” Renie said wistfully. “Okay gotta go Mom. Bye.”

  “Bye Renie. I love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  “That’d be great Mom, thanks. Yep, talk to you later,” she heard Billy say when she walked back in the room.

  “Willow’s sleeping. She’s gonna call me when she’s awake.”

  Renie didn’t know what to say. They had a lot of talking to do. About the changes in her life as much as the changes in his. It wouldn’t be easy for her to tell Billy about Jace. And listening to Billy talk about his baby? She wasn’t sure she could bear it.

  “Do you have a picture of her?”

  “Come here and I’ll show you some.”

  Billy held his phone out to her. “Swipe your finger if you want to see more. There are hundreds,” he laughed.

  Renie swiped her finger several times. He couldn’t read her expression.

  “She’s beautiful,” Renie whispered. “She looks so much like you.”

  “You’re gonna think this is crazy but…”

  “But what?”

  “God, Renie,” he put his arms around her and kissed her neck. “I think she looks like you. Maybe it’s because you’re the two people I love most in the world, so when I look at her, I see love, and love is you.”

  Her eyes filled with tears, and she set the phone in his hand.

  “She’s growin’ up so fast. She’ll be a year old in a few weeks.”

  She took his phone back and started looking at more photos. There were a lot of photos of the two of them together. “You’re good with her.”

  “She’s my life.” This was the hardest part, he knew it was. He could pretend she wasn’t, but she was. And if Renie couldn’t live with that, there wasn’t any hope for them.

  “I know she is.” She was going back through the pictures again, slower this time. “I can tell.”

  “You left me because of her.”

  “I left you because of you. I left you because of me. I wasn’t sure I could handle it. No, that’s not right. I knew I couldn’t handle it.”

  “What about now? You still feelin’ the same way?”

  It took her so damn long to answer him he thought he would jump out of his skin.

  “I don’t know. You said it yourself. I’m different.”

  He knew she was different; there were specific things about her that were different. But, it seemed as though it was more, things he couldn’t see.

  “I’ve spent more time with myself. I’ve gotten to know myself better. Part of that was seeing myself through someone else’s eyes.”

  There it was, the knife in his heart that he’d been waiting for. There was someone else.

  “Whose eyes?”

  “That’s not important.”

  “If it wasn’t important, you wouldn’t have said it.”

  “A friend. Someone I met this summer. I went to work at a dude ranch. I’m sure Dottie told you.”

  “She did, and I thought it was great. Was it fun?”

  “Fun? It was a lot of hard work is what it was.”

  “I bet ya had some fun though, didn’t ya?”

  Yeah, she had. She had fun. And she worked hard. And she didn’t spend every minute of every day thinking about Billy Patterson, as she had every day of her life before she went to the ranch.

  “I didn’t spend all my time thinking about you.”

  “No? I guess that’s good, right?”

  “Right. It’s what I needed Billy. I needed to get away from you for a while.”

  “I know you did. I wish it hadn’t been so far away from me. I missed you so damn much.”

  “I missed you too Billy. You already know that.” She stood and walked to the other side of the room. She turned and leaned back against the wall. “I’m not ready to be anyone’s mama Billy.”

  “Maybe you could get to know her a little bit, instead of thinkin’ you need to be her mama.”

  “Isn’t that what you want though? Tell me the truth Billy. If you could have anything you wanted, would you pack me up and take me home with you? Marry me and keep me in your bed? Make me your baby’s mama?”

  At one time, that might have been true. Back when he had no idea how to take care of a baby, or what it meant to be somebody’s father. It would’ve been real easy to lean on Renie that way. But, he was different now too. He didn’t let his own mother take care of Willow very often, just on rare occasions. He was careful about not taking advantage of his parents. In fact, he’d be willing to bet his parents would say they didn’t get enough time alone with their granddaughter.

  “No, that wouldn’t be what I wanted, even if I could have things my way.”

  “I’m sorry Billy, but I don’t believe you.”

  “Then let me prove it to you.”

  “How will you do that?”

  “I’m not sure exactly
. But I can tell you this, when I’m with my daughter, I’m a different person. I’ve grown up too. As hard as it was to be away from you, as much as I missed you, I have to admit, it was a good thing for me too.” He got up and came over to where she stood.

  “I leaned on you too much.”

  “You did Billy. And you took me for granted.”

  “Yes, I did. That was something I realized even before I found out about Willow.” He pulled her back to the bed.

  “When I came up to your apartment, I realized it. I expected you to be there for me.”

  “I can’t go back to that Billy.”

  “I don’t want that Renie. I really don’t. I know you don’t believe me. But, I do want you.”

  “So what do we do?”

  “I have no idea.” He laughed a little. “I prepared more for how I would handle it if you refused to talk to me. I didn’t plan what I’d do if you did talk to me. And I didn’t plan for this at all.”

  “Me either,” she said, kissing her way from his neck up to his lips.

  “I need you so much. My body wants to stay connected to yours all the time. All the damn time. I love you so fucking much.”

  It was his turn to take over, he wanted her, and he needed to show her how much. He grabbed her panties and yanked them off. He pushed her back against the pillows and pulled her sweatshirt over her head. He ran his lips over her body, trying hard not to miss a single inch of her skin. He went slowly, torturing her with his hands and his tongue.

  This was how he wanted her, writhing beneath him, begging him for more. By the time he was finished, Renie would be begging him to love her.

  He woke up and saw it was getting light out. He quickly grabbed his phone, hoping he hadn’t missed a call from his mother last night. He and Renie were so wrapped up in each other; he forgot he had a phone. They’d taken their time, and she begged for him, but he did as much begging for her.

  There wasn’t a call. Willow must have slept through the night, or if she did wake up, his mother decided it was too late to call. Since it was a little before seven, he’d wait to see whether she called. If she hadn’t in an hour, he’d call her. No way Willow would sleep past eight.

  He looked at Renie who was still sound asleep. Whenever he looked at Willow, he wondered how his heart would ever have room to love anyone else. But now looking at Renie, he realized he had love enough for both of them.

  He still wondered about the comment she made about seeing herself through someone else’s eyes. There was something telling him that whoever it was, was more than a friend.

  Renie rolled over and groaned, so he kissed the back of her neck.

  “No, don’t you start that Billy Patterson. I’m not gonna be able to walk today as it is. And I really want to ride Pooh.”

  “I’d love to go ridin’ with you pretty girl. You think your mama will let me ride Micah?”

  “Not a chance in hell, but Ben will let you ride his horse.”

  “Ben has a horse?”

  “Give me a break Billy. Ben has a ranch. And it’s bigger than yours.”

  He started to tickle her. “Now that was just plain mean. You don’t compare the size of a man’s ranch Renie Fairchild.”

  “Let’s go ride cowboy.”

  “Not yet cowgirl,” he said, kissing his way down the back of her body.

  Billy’s phone rang.

  “Answer it.”

  “I’ll call her back.”

  “Answer it,” Renie said again, rolling away from him.

  “Ah, shit.”

  Billy grabbed the phone. “Hey Mama.”

  He got up and walked out of the bedroom. Renie went in and turned on the shower. She wasn’t ready to hear the conversations he had with Willow, or about Willow. She wasn’t ready for anything to do with Willow.

  It ate her up that she felt the way she did. She loved kids, so why the problem with this one particular?

  Billy opened the bathroom door a few minutes later. “Can I come in?”

  “Sure,” she reached out and grabbed a towel. “I’m finished if you want to come in when I get out.”

  “I was thinking more about joining you—finishing what we started.”

  “I don’t think so Billy.” Renie was out of the shower and drying off, but the water was still running. Billy reached in and turned it off.

  He put his hands over hers on the towel. “Come on now.”

  “No, I don’t feel like it anymore.”

  “You’re poutin’ darlin’.” He leaned forward and grabbed her lower lip between his teeth. She breathed in deeply and let the towel fall to the floor. Billy pushed off his boxer briefs, reached behind her and turned the shower back on.

  “I’m gonna get you dirty then all clean again baby.”

  She couldn’t resist him. He was so damn sexy, and persuasive. She let him move her back under the water. But she couldn’t get Willow’s image out of her head. She turned him around, so his back was to the stream of water and got back out of the shower.

  “Renie, what’re you doin’?”

  “I’m done Billy.”

  He didn’t like the sound of that. Done with what? He finished up as quickly as he could. When he came out of the bathroom, he found her sitting in the kitchen, eating a piece of cold pizza.

  “Still poutin’?”

  “Don’t Billy.”

  “Find any coffee?”

  “Yeah, I made some,” she answered, pointing toward the French Press sitting on the counter.

  “I want you to meet her. That’s it. She’s a lot less scary in person.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that I believe you’re more afraid of the idea of her, and once you meet her, you’ll feel different.”

  He was right. But, it didn’t change anything. “Can you take me home now? I mean to Ben’s.”

  “Of course I can. You gonna invite me in when we get there, or are you gonna make me give you a kiss goodbye on the front porch?”

  “Are you going home?” Already?

  “I could be talked into staying, if you’ll come back here with me after we’ve seen your mom and Ben.”

  That felt better. He was willing to stay at least another day, before she had to give him back to the other woman in his life.

  We’re headed back, Renie texted her mom.

  Have you eaten? she answered.

  No.

  Ben’s making breakfast.

  Billy’s with me.

  I know.

  “You’re invited for breakfast,” Renie said, putting her phone in her pocket.

  Billy looked out the window and shook his head. “I’m nervous.”

  “I am too.”

  “Why are you nervous?”

  “Why are you?”

  “I love that about you.”

  “What?”

  “How you answer a question with a question.”

  “I don’t do that.”

  “You always do that.”

  “Do I sometimes get a look on my face like I’ve eaten something sour?”

  Billy laughed. “Yep, you do that too.”

  “What else do I do?”

  “Let’s see. You sit on your hands when you’re nervous.” He looked at her, and she realized she’d tucked her hands under her legs. She quickly took them out, but stuck them in her pockets.

  “You talk in your sleep.”

  Uh oh. “What do I talk about?”

  “Not much I can decipher. Although I’ve always been able to understand it when you say my name.” Billy took her hand. He brought it up to his lips and kissed across her knuckles.

  “I love how it sounds when you’re all sleepy, and you moan a little. Makes me hard as a rock when I hear it,” he grinned.

  “What else?”

  “That you do?”

  “Yeah.”

  They weren’t all the way to Ben’s house, but Billy pulled the truck over anyway.

  “You’re not ve
ry good at sharing.”

  “Are you saying that because it suits your purpose, or am I really not good at sharing?”

  “Let’s see. You’re an only child. And an only grandchild, by the way, even though your grandparents have been gone a long time. You’ve never had siblings to share with, or even cousins. You’ve had your mama’s undivided attention. In fact, before she met Ben, you were the only thing in her life, except the ranch, and taking care of the horses.”

  “I’ve heard enough.”

  “You care more about the people you love than anyone I’ve ever known. You can coax a smile out of an unhappy person with that quick wit of yours.

  “I’ve watched you charm the most miserable people into cracking a smile. I’ve seen you calm a horse that’s skittish because they’re in a new barn, and nothing is familiar to them. I watched you care for your mama even when she was doin’ her best to act as mean and nasty as she could be.”

  “Anything else?”

  “You love me with your whole heart and soul, and as scared as you are of this, you can’t help yourself, you’re gonna figure out how to make this work.”

  It was her turn to look out the window, but he could see the tear slide down her cheek.

  “Talk to me baby.”

  “You’re right about me.”

  “Which part?”

  “I’m not good at sharing.”

  When they walked in the house, it was as though Billy was walking into her mom’s house back at the ranch in Monument. He shrugged off his jacket, hung it on the hook by the door, and was in the kitchen hugging her mom before Renie had her boots off.

  He picked her up and swung her around. “I missed you so much Livvie. Almost as much as I missed your daughter.”

  Ben looked as though he wanted to throttle Billy. Was he upset with him, or had he just never liked him? Renie remembered that before Ben and her mom got back together, he thought there was something between Billy and her mom. But now he knew otherwise, so what was that look on his face all about? He turned and caught her looking at him. His face changed completely as he gave her one of his Ben smiles. Dottie hugged. Ben smiled.