The Beginning of Never

by O. E. Boroni

  “Elisa, leave me alone,” I grumbled.

  She finally did, and turned her attention to Mark.

  *

  When we reached the store, I immediately headed into the reading area, and laid flat on the floor. I felt drugged as I continued to run the way Nathan had looked at me over and over in my mind, until Elisa came over to sit beside me. Some customers were sitting on the couch so she had to lower her voice when she spoke.

  "You alright?" she asked. She had to poke my arm twice before I responded.

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “What’re you thinking so hard about?”

  “Um, did you notice anything strange in the way he looked at me?”

  “Strange?”

  “Unusual.”

  “No, Lennie,” she said, amused. “He just looked at you, the same way he looks at everyone.”

  I frowned at her. “You’re an idiot.”

  She sucked in her breath through her teeth. “In this context, that’s debatable. But let’s say you did see something- is that good?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Either ways, you can't just lie here and act insane. We still have work to."

  "I know," I said and sat up.

  I pulled a box towards us and we continued our sorting. Thankfully, the task was able to completely occupy my mind until we headed back home.

  Elisa's mom had dinner ready when we got home so I just dug in, helped clean up and then ran upstairs with the books that I’d been allowed to take from the bookstore. It was hard deciding which one to begin with but it didn't matter because at the end of the day, I fell asleep barely thirty minutes into the one I’d eventually picked.

  *

  I woke up early the next morning and found Elisa's mom already in the kitchen. I’d gone in there for a drink of water but decided to just stay and help her prepare the biscuits and omelets for breakfast.

  She tried to initiate conversations with me, but eventually just gave up when all she received from my end were polite nods and shy smiles. She probably thought I was just reserved, but even though I really liked her, I just wasn’t comfortable around her yet. I blamed it on the timing being that it was so early in the morning.

  It wasn’t long before the house was awake, and I watched with amusement as the kids dragged themselves into the kitchen, and grabbed their breakfast using the plates we had stacked on the table.

  I sat at the table in the corner with Elisa's mom. Her dad later came in, already dressed, and headed directly over to her and they shared an intimate look. She then got up to serve him the plate she had specially prepared and kept aside for him.

  It was sort of uncomfortable watching them together, but Elisa had no reaction so it might have been a normal occurrence. I excused myself and headed up to the bedroom to get ready for work.

  Work ... the very thought of the word felt weird to me, but I looked forward to it.

  By noon however, I was thoroughly exhausted. Elisa's dad had given us a list of books he needed delivered to a client, so we had to locate the books and prepare them for delivery.

  We were at it all morning and by noon, there was still no hope of being done anytime soon. We continued all through that day as well as the next two so I was completely occupied, except for a few times when James came over to deliver pastries that Elisa's dad had ordered for us, and we stopped to have a chat with him.

  I’d felt anxious on the first day when I’d seen him talking to Elisa, but when it became apparent that Nathan wasn't going to ever come along, I stopped hoping and just focused on my work. By the time we were done on the third day, I was back to being unoccupied and once again, wanted to see Nathan.

  Going by the cafe was unacceptable now because it would be too obvious, but it seemed like the only way I’d get to see him.

  Mark and Elisa had gone out while I was still working so I was left alone. It was just past three in the afternoon, and I was starting to entertain daydreams about Nathan and I when Elisa's dad saved me from myself. There was a request from a customer that had just called so I set out to find the books. I had them stacked in my arms and was heading back to the counter when the glass door to the store was pulled open.

  I looked up to see Nathan walk in, and stopped in my tracks. It barely registered when the books left my hand and fell to the floor, but I did come to my senses when he glanced at them and then looked at me with an amused smile on his face.

  Embarrassed, I bent down to retrieve them but he was already on it. He quickly gathered them together, and handed them over to me. I muttered a “thank you” and placed them on the counter.

  "Hey," he said when I turned back to him.

  “Hi,” I responded.

  Slipping his hands into his jeans pocket, he ran his eyes around the room as he told me what he was in search of. It was some journalism book, so I turned around and led him to the section that held the journalism titles.

  I decided to help him search, and was running my eyes through the books stacked on the top shelves when I felt him come up behind me. I didn’t want to be weird so I stayed absolutely still, but he was close enough to have caused an eyebrow or two to rise if anyone else had been in the room with us.

  “I found one,” he said.

  “Where?” I asked.

  He put his hand on my waist to sort of turn me to the direction that he was referring to, and pointed. I took my time trying to locate it with my eyes, just because I wanted his hand to remain where it was. It caused a sweet burn that seared through my skin.

  “I’ll get the stool,” I eventually said, but he took his hand off my side and went towards it. He was tall enough so he just reached up and pulled it out from the shelf.

  “That’s one,” he said with a sweet smile and gave it to me. I was about to start helping him look for the second when the ding of the front door bell, called me away to the counter. I had just handed over the receipt for the books that I had gathered earlier to the customer who’d wanted them, when Nathan came over with the second book in his hand.

  "Point of Departure," he said and placed both books on the counter.

  "Okay," I said, and proceeded to ring them up. When I told him how much they cost, he brought out his wallet, and the wallet reminded me of the first week we met.

  “I still owe you, you know,” I said, when he handed the money over to me.

  He narrowed his eyes. “How so?”

  “The lunches that you got me from that first week. I said I was going to reimburse you but I forgot.”

  He smiled. “I remember telling you to forget about it.”

  “And I remember saying that I wouldn’t.”

  “Well, technically you did forget,” he said, and took the tote that I’d put them in.

  “I’ll give it to you next time I see you.”

  He chuckled.

  “Why journalism?” I asked, as I took my time fumbling for change.

  He shrugged. “It’s always interested me so now I’m doing research to see what career paths I can take.”

  “You want to be a journalist?”

  “I’m considering it,” he said, and his eyes turned watchful- as if he was trying to see what I thought about it without actually asking me. I decided to save him the trouble.

  “Well I think you’d be a terrible journalist,” I stated, as I handed him his change.

  He laughed. “Really? And why is that?”

  “Well for one, you’re terrible at sharing relevant information, and two, you’re too reserved. Wait, is being too reserved a good or bad thing? I feel it’s both.”

  “Well, you’re the expert,” he mocked.

  “I am.”

  “What about you? What do you want to do?” he asked.

  “I don’t know yet.”

  “When will you know?”

  “When I’m your age.”

  He smiled. “Fair enough. Where’s Elisa?”

  “She stepped out a while ago- I’m not sure where.”

>   "Say hi to her for when she returns," he said. "And how's your new job?"

  I laughed. "It's not really a job, I'm just helping out."

  "Okay, so how’s your helping out going?"

  "It's good," I responded. “It’s really good- I like it.”

  He narrowed his eyes. "How does your dad feel about you spending midterms here?"

  "Oh he doesn't care," I answered with more cheer than was appropriate, and instantly saw his concern.

  "How's your dad?" I asked to change the subject.

  "He's okay now. He left the hospital about a week ago."

  "Thank God. That’s really good,” I said, genuinely happy and relieved for him.

  “It is. He’s back to being troublesome and bossy again.”

  “He sounds delightful."

  “He is. In a way you remind me of him. Is it weird that I’m comparing you to my dad?”

  “It kind of is.”

  “Well, you’ll know what I mean when you meet him.”

  “I look forward to it.”

  “Me too,” he said, and we laughed quietly at each other.

  “Well, I have to run now,” he said. “But there’s another book I’ll need. I don’t have time to search for it now so can you help me? I’ll be by to pick it up tomorrow.”

  “Yes, of course,” I said, trying to keep the excitement out of my voice, and brought out a pad of sticky notes for him to scribble the title on. I went to search for his book the moment he walked out of the store.

  « CHAPTER 19 »

  He didn't come the next day.

  James came instead with a delivery for Elisa's dad and a request from Nathan to pick up a book from me. At first I was stunned, then as I lowered my head and started to ring up the book for James, my heart started to hurt.

  All morning long I had been nervous for when Nathan would come in. So even though Elisa had been trying to get me to help her with the boxes of books that she’d had to sort through all morning, I’d given one excuse after the other and remained at the counter, waiting for the moment he’d show up. But instead, he’d sent James.

  I didn’t matter as much to him, as he did to me. That much was now clear… and I wasn’t going to take it anymore. If there was one thing that I’d taken away from my parents’ marriage, it was that no one would ever be worth my happiness or the waste of my time.

  So as I handed the book over to James, I made up my mind that my silliness all morning was the last of my energy that I was ever going to expend towards him.

  “Is he busy?” I couldn’t help asking.

  “No,” James replied, as he received the bag that I’d placed the book in. “We were about to come over together but he changed his mind at the last minute, and went to the park instead.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. He had a book with him, so I think he just needed the space to read.”

  “So he wasn’t held up by anything important.”

  “Nah, I don’t think so.”

  “You know what?” I said. “Do you mind if I just give it to him myself? There’s something that I need to talk to him about.”

  “Okay.” he said, but looked concerned as he watched me. It was apparently obvious that I was upset.

  I went around the counter, and he handed the bag over to me.

  “Are you alright?” he asked, and I gave him a small smile.

  “I am. Could you please tell Elisa to take over for me? I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  “Okay,” he said, and left to find Elisa.

  *

  The park was about a seven minute walk from the bookstore. And then it took me an additional five minutes to look for him before I eventually found him. He was in a secluded area of the park, and was seated on a bench that was shaded by a huge tree.

  He was so engrossed in the book open on his lap that even though I stood there for almost a minute watching him, he never looked up once. The park was bursting with activity so there were enough things to distract someone once in a while, but he never let any of them get to him, just like he was with me.

  “Nathan” I called, and walked forward to place his book beside him on the bench. I wanted so badly to hit him with it.

  “Hey,” he replied as he looked up, surprised to see me. I took a few steps away from him.

  “James said you were here, so I thought I’d just bring it to you,” I said, and wondered why I was even bothering to explain myself to him.

  “Thank you,” he replied.

  I turned to leave, but had only taken a few steps when I stopped, and turned back to him. I found that he was still watching me. “Why didn’t you come to pick it up yourself?” I asked.

  He didn’t seem surprised at the question at all. He shrugged. “I just thought it’d be better if James helped me instead.”

  “Why?”

  He didn’t respond.

  “Didn’t you want to see me?”

  He took off his glasses, and lowered his head as he gently folded them. “Of course I did,” he said, and looked back up at me.

  “Then why didn’t you come?”

  “It would have been better for Jam–”

  “You’ve already said that. So don’t patronize me, we’re not in school right now. Just tell me the truth. And don’t worry, it’s not going to change anything between us, if that’s what you’re concerned about. I just want to know.”

  He continued to stare at me, and after sometime I was convinced that like always, he wasn’t going to say anything.

  “Nathan, I’m done!” I said to him. I wanted to say more but if I had kept my gaze on him for one more second, he would have seen the tears that filled my eyes the moment I turned around.

  “Lenora wait!” he said, but I increased my pace.

  I never wanted anything to do with him again. This was all my fault. As if the troubles I’d had to begin with weren’t enough, I’d gone on and added him to the mix. Of course he was supposed to disappoint me. He was a guy, and that was what they all did.

  Suddenly, I felt his hand take a hold of mine but I jerked it away.

  “Leave me alone,” I said, and continued walking. But I was forced to stop when he overtook me and came to stand right in front of me. I bumped into him and for some reason, the moment I held unto him so that I could stable myself, the tears rolled down my eyes.

  “What is wrong with you?” I yelled, refusing to meet his eyes. “Get out of my way.” I moved to my left so that I could leave, but he moved with me, effectively blocking me from leaving. I stopped, and let out a deep breath.

  “Nathan, move!” I ordered, but he refused.

  “Look at me.” he pleaded.

  “No, I want you to get out of my way. Look, this has absolutely nothing to do with you, so could you please get out of my way before I do something to hurt you.”

  I heard him sigh, and then he said, “Lenora, I’m in love with you.”

  I felt the pang, hit my chest.

  What?

  I’d never imagined that those words would ever come out of his mouth, so I’d never thought of what my reaction would be. But in that moment, and as the shock of the words began to wear off, I became angry at him.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked. “You’re going to throw that in my face because you think it’s what I want to hear?”

  He took a step back from me, and right then, I realized that I had been wrong. He’d meant every word of what he had just said, and I had thrown it in his face. He moved away from me and started walking back to the bench.

  I instantly felt horrible. And as I lifted both of my hands to slowly wipe the tears off my face, I thought of what I was going to do. First of all, I didn’t know how to feel because at that moment, a thousand and one emotions were coursing through my body.

  On one hand, I was beginning to feel the impact of what he’d just said to me, and on the other hand, it seemed too impossible to believe. I was cold, and I was warm; shocked but still skeptic
.

  Nathan had just told me that he was in love with me. Holy Shit!

  I turned around, and started heading back to him. I didn’t think I could sit down so when I reached him, I just stood to the side and folded my arms across my chest. He turned his head to look at me.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, and he shook his head. “It’s fine.”

  We were both quiet for some time. Then I spoke.

  “If you… um… just like you said, then why have you been acting insane the past couple of weeks?”

  At that he let out a laugh, but it was a strained one.

  He looked away from me and straight ahead as he responded. “That’s why I’ve been acting insane the past couple of weeks. And also I found out about Beverly bullying you, so I just made the decision to stay away.”

  I had always suspected that he knew but now that he was saying it out, it made me suddenly nervous and I wasn’t sure why. “When did you find out?” I asked. “And how?”

  “I confirmed it that morning in the courtyard when I asked if you were alright. You looked so exhausted and upset that I expected you to tell me about it, but when you didn’t I had to go find out. Plus Elisa had all her worry for you written across her face.”

  “Damn her!” I said, and he smiled again.

  “Anyway, Marilyn was telling me about all of it the day you came over to us in the cafeteria. I apologize for how cold I seemed towards you, but at that moment, I was just so pissed.”

  “That’s just the first among many apologies,” I said with a laugh, but he knew that I wasn’t joking.

  “I know.” he said softly.

  “You could’ve just told me about it, instead of keeping me in the dark the way you did.”

  “I know,” he repeated.

  “So why didn’t you?”

  I knew then that there was another reason why he had stayed away because suddenly, he seemed even unhappier to be telling me any of this. He sighed.

  “I thought I could manage this … thing, between us. But when I kissed you, I realized that I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to make it worse for you than I already had. So I stayed away.”

  The pain returned to my heart again, but I resisted the urge to press my hand against my chest. “What do you mean?” I asked, almost not wanting to hear the rest of what he had to say, because I was sure that I wasn’t going to like it.