Whispers of Hate

by Sanchit Garg

  It was a normal delivery, so we were allowed to take her back after 24 hours. Mother wanted to bring Purnima to our house, but I told her not to, putting my hand on her shoulder and nodding in a No. She understood and nodded back.

  After some time passed, I took my father and Nandana back home. Only a few people were needed now, and we had to take care of the food and other preparations. So, we left Sudhir and Mother to take care of Purnima and her child.

  I knew it was going to be a hectic day for me with too many to and fro journeys to the hospital and our home. Once back home, we all freshened up as we didn’t get any time before to do that. Later, Nandana went into the kitchen to make breakfast. I followed her to help her out. She now had two more people to make food for, and my mother was not here, so someone had to help her out.

  She saw me walk into the kitchen and pick up the pan.

  She inquired, “Hey! What are you doing here?”

  “Me? Nothing at all. I was just looking at how good this pan is.”

  “Really! So, if you have done it, why not move out of the kitchen, so I can get to work.”

  “Maybe I can help you do that.”

  She smirked, “I don’t think that you can. With your skills, I don’t want everyone to die from hunger.”

  I made a babyface, “But… I am not that bad. Let me help you.”

  She gave me a stern look, “Okay!”

  Though we both had a smile on our face while we made breakfast, we still didn’t talk anything further. With her, it always felt like time passed in a million years.

  After half an hour, the breakfast was ready. I served the plates and asked Mohan to help me out. My father gave me a serious look. I presumed he finally knew what was going on. It was my day off from work, but as if I was free. I had a lot of journeys to make. After my father and Mohan went to work, Nandana and I packed the food and drove back to the hospital.

  After spending an hour there, I left Nandana at the hospital and took my mother back with me. I asked Sudhir to get back home and freshen up, but it looked like he didn’t want to. Maybe he was awake all night, and he had freshened up already, sometime in between or perhaps he just didn’t want to leave the mother and the child alone at all.

  I was once again back home, but this time I was missing Nandana. I had left her alone at the hospital. But honestly speaking, I was never alone. All my thoughts accompanied me wherever I went. So, while my mother went to freshen up, I sat on the sofa in the drawing-room. I closed my eyes and remembered the day when she went to her parent’s home for the first time after our marriage.

  She had been away for two weeks, but even after that, she didn’t come back. I knew that she extended her stay there, but I missed her so much more each passing day. I didn't even know when she would come back. There was this fear inside me, that, what if she doesn’t come back? At this moment, I wanted to go and bring her back, but how could I? I never tried to control her. So somehow, with her smile, with her voice in my head, I kept on living, waiting for her to come back and when she came back, I rushed to the washroom to cry happy tears. For me, Nandana was everything, that I just couldn’t be myself if not with her. She was my stability. I never trusted anyone around me as much as I trusted her. Like everyone else brought chaos and confusion, but she brought peace.

  By the time I got back to my senses, my mother had already prepared food for lunch. Just how much time has passed? I looked at the clock, and it was 2:30 pm already. What? More than an hour has passed already. How is this possible? How can someone normally think this much? Something is and has definitely been wrong with me since the time I was born.

  I walked to the kitchen.

  “Mother! Do you need any help?”

  “No, I don’t. Everything’s ready. I think we should go now. Everyone would be so hungry.”

  “Yes, Mother! Let’s go.”

  I felt bad looking at her, all tired and I didn’t even help her a bit. With a sad face, I walked towards the car and, together with Mother, drove to the hospital.

  It took us half an hour to reach the hospital. Once inside and near Purnima’s room, I went in first. I looked around for Nandana, and there she was, near Purnima's child, looking at him with a helpless face, wanting to touch him, hold him in her hands and play with him.

  I quickly walked out of the room. I just couldn’t see this. Once outside, I tried to control my tears. I was so helpless, so afraid. Even if I wanted to give her all the happiness in the world, I knew that I couldn’t. As of now, I just knew I couldn’t. I didn’t want to give her a short-lived happiness now and a long-lived pain. It was better not to give her anything now. Maybe we can try for a child again or adopt a kid, but how can I bring a new life into the world just to destroy it? And, it’s not just its life getting destroyed, it’s Nandana's that I am so scared about. I don’t know if she can handle any more deaths. Maybe she can. But, at least I knowingly can’t make her go through that now. I still didn’t have enough faith in the fact that everything had subsided.

  “Hey! Wake up!”

  Nandana shook me, “Wake up. We need to go now.”

  I finally got back to my senses. I was sitting on a chair just outside Purnima’s room, and Nandana was sitting beside me, trying to wake me up.

  I was startled, “Yes! Yes! What happened.”

  “It’s already 5:20 pm. We need to get back home. Father and Mohan will be back soon. I need to make dinner for everyone, and you didn’t even eat anything. Eat something, and then we would head back home.”

  “No! Let’s go back first. I would eat back there.”

  She nodded, “Okay!”

  I asked Sudhir again if he wanted to go back, but it looked like the hospital was his home now. Maybe not having any parents makes you hold onto what little you have and you just don’t want to get away from that.

  Together with Nandana, I headed back home. On the way back, I would occasionally look into her eyes, those innocent self-explaining gems and shy away.

  She inquired, “What happened? You okay?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “Hmm. Then why are you not driving properly and continuously looking in the rear-view mirror?”

  I blushed, “Nothing! Nothing at all. I will try to focus now.”

  We reached back home around 6 pm, and the first thing she did was to get me something to eat.

  I cried internally.

  Why does she think so much about me? She should just take care of herself. I would be okay, nonetheless. It’s not like I would die if I don’t eat food one time.

  My father and Mohan came back totally tired when I was just about done with eating; Mohan went into his room as usual, and my father went into the drawing-room hoping that Mother would be there.

  I walked into the kitchen to help Nandana make dinner.

  “What! You again.”

  I smiled, “Yes! I am back again. So, what can I help with?”

  She scorned, “Nothing!”

  I pleaded, “Please. Let me help you. It wouldn’t hurt to get some help.”

  “Is it? And do you ever ask for my help?”

  Hearing this, I just went silent. What do I say to this? I just don’t want to give her any stress or any bad thoughts. Without saying anything, I took hold of the tong from the slab and started making roti.

  She yelled, “Just give it back to me, this instant.”

  “No, I won’t.”

  “Do you really want to do this?”

  “Yes, I want to.”

  “Okay. Good.”

  She walked out of the kitchen and came back after a minute or two. Accompanying her, was my father.

  He shouted at me, “You, idiot. You want to get a beating now. Why are you hurting her?”

  I sighed, “But...I….”

  “Get out of the kitchen now. How could you hurt my daughter? Never do this again, or I would kill you myself.”

  I looked at Nandana with my sad face, about to cry, anytime and she just stood the
re controlling her simper somehow.

  It felt bad. How could she do this to me? She knows my father loves her more than me. Why did you do this? I just wanted to help. I hate you!

  I moved out of the kitchen and stood in the hall, while my father walked back into the drawing-room.

  I kept on staring at her, giving her a dead look, but she just smiled while making food. I was so annoyed at her for doing this, but this smile of her, it was priceless. I am ready to get a beating every day if that makes her laugh. I am ready to make as many mistakes as possible if it makes her laugh all day. I can at least do this for her. Not for her, but maybe for myself. Because seeing her smile is the same as smiling for me. If she is happy, then I am happy too.

  After eating dinner, I asked Mohan if he wanted to go to the hospital, but he said No. Maybe he was still furious at me.

  I walked back into the hall and Nandana walked up to me.

  “Hey! Let’s go.”

  “No. You stay at home. You are already tired. So, just take some rest.”

  “Father is going with me.”

  “But I am not tired. I want to go.”

  “Even if you are not tired, you still need to rest. The world is not running too fast.”

  “I still want to. Should I call Father?”

  I pleaded, “Okay. As you wish. You can come along. Just don’t do that. Don’t say anything to father.”

  She smiled, “Sure. I would try not to.”

  We arrived back at the hospital at 7:30 pm, and Nandana served food to Sudhir and Mother. We knew that there wasn’t enough space for everyone to be accommodated at the hospital. There was only space for two more people, but there were five of us in total. So, the three of us had to go back home.

  Nandana came to me, “I am staying here.”

  “Staying here? But why? Mother is already here. Let her be. You tag along with me.”

  She snapped, “I said I am staying here for the night.”

  I knew she wouldn’t listen to me now. I went ahead with her demand.

  “Okay.”

  At 9 pm, Sudhir, my father and I left the hospital, leaving the three ladies of our home in the hospital. It felt bad, but there was no one moving her now.

  Back at home, lying down on my bed, I was scared and hoped that she was all right. She was all alone in the hospital. Well, my mother was there to take care of her, but still, I was not there for her.

  I closed my eyes and remembered a day when our kids were not born.

  I had woken up in the middle of the night, and she was sitting on the bed.

  I called out, "Nandana! Nandana!"

  She didn't reply.

  I shook her by the shoulder and asked, "What happened?"

  "I just had an eerie dream."

  "Don't worry. I am here. Nothing bad would happen. Let's go back to sleep."

  Nandana wasn't one to have ghostly dreams. But once in a blue moon, she did.

  She nodded, and we laid down on the bed.

  A few minutes later, I opened my eyes, and it felt like she wasn't asleep.

  "Hey! You didn't go to sleep. Is something wrong?"

  "I wanted to pee, but I was too scared."

  "Okay! Come with me."

  I took hold of her hand, and we walked towards the toilet slowly. Once there, she wouldn't let go of my hand.

  "I am here. Just go in. If anything goes wrong, you have got me around to protect you.”

  She looked at me and smiled, "Yes! I do."

  She finally went in, scared. She behaved like a small child. Well! She was one but pretended to be some middle-aged lady, just like I did. We were both kids at heart.

  he next morning, Sudhir and I went to the hospital to bring all of them back home.

  Once Purnima and the baby were back, days, weeks, months even just flew by. My mother could be seen more at her place, and the same could be said for Nandana. I even wanted her to go there, play with the baby and forget all the sorrows. But for me, I had to go to work to do, and by the time I would go to Purnima's house, the baby would already be asleep. Maybe this was a new setting for Nandana. It was something she finally needed. Most of the time, I missed her, it felt as if she was getting away, going more distant from me as the days passed. Well, she was happy playing and taking care of the baby, so I didn’t tell her anything else. Doing something had finally made her happy again.

  Six months just flew by, and it felt as if everything happened just yesterday. I was sitting in the drawing-room when my mother walked up to me.

  “Rameshwar, are you ready to have a child?”

  “No, Mother! I believe it is not the right thing to get into right now.”

  There was still fear inside me, and I just wanted everything to be entirely back to normal before bringing a life back into the world again.

  “Well! You know, Nandana would be happier to get one. It will complete the missing link.”

  I smiled a little at the thought of a child and then sad emotions came all over me.

  I lamented, “No! Mother! I just can’t do this. I am still not sure if we are a normal family again, and bringing a child into our life is still not the right thing to do if the same events happen again. Because then no-one could bring Nandana out of the misery once again. No one! Not even me! So, it is better if we don’t have one for the time being.”

  “I understand you. Just keep talking to her. I think she misses you a lot, but don’t say about it.”

  “Yes, mother! I would. I just want her to hate me a bit so that she is not hurt by me ever again.”

  Sudhir had to go out of town to a relative’s marriage function, and so, she was left alone at her home. Nandana had decided to go to her house, but I wanted Mohan to go there.

  Nandana was sitting in our room.

  I walked up to her and pleaded, “You don’t need to go to Purnima’s house. Mohan can go there. Don’t leave me alone in here. I’m afraid.”

  She responded, "I don’t understand. I’m here. You are here. Then why are you so afraid?”

  “I wish I knew. There are times when a strange thought gnaws at my mind, that one day I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.”

  “I’m not going anywhere far. Just to her house and that too, only for the night."

  "I hate thinking that you’re hurt for no reason. And I don't know why do I even get these scary thoughts. I try so hard not to get them, but they still do.”

  "I would never leave you. Never. So, don't worry at all."

  I smiled, but still, my happiness was lost somewhere. What could I do? I didn’t want to stop her from doing this if that made her happy.

  I laid down on my bed at 10 in the night and closed my eyes.

  I don’t know when I fell asleep, but I did. Sometime later, I woke up sweating profoundly and found myself running tirelessly in the same black alley with no power over me to stop myself. The same light source was there in the far end, and I kept running towards it. I tried to look to my right and then to my left, but luckily, unlike all the previous times, no one was there, not even the bench. A little happiness came over my face.

  I may have run some 50-60 meters or more when I heard a screeching sound. It kept on increasing and then, it suddenly stopped when I reached the light source. I don’t know why, but I would always stop after reaching the source and get in complete control of my body. Sometimes, it felt that the dreams were not ghostly, but an indication from the almighty that I needed to look more and find the one responsible.

  I looked to my left, nothing. I looked to my right, and a man was standing there. He was about the same built as Mohan and was facing away from me. I tried to shift myself to the right a bit to get a look at him. I still couldn’t get a view of the man, but a lady was standing in front of him, facing towards him with numerous stab marks all over her body and blood kept on flowing out from them. I wanted to help her, but it was too late to do anything. I shifted a little bit more, and it was Mother. The lady was my mother! This was so painful. As
if every family member, everyone who I love, was getting involved in my dreams. Yet still, to save her, I had to do something. Something that would ease her pain.

  I quickly grabbed the man from his back, making him unable to move.

  I shouted, “Run, Mother! Run! I am here to save you.”

  It was as if his body was made of something solid and the more tightly I grabbed him, the more I was hurt. The man tried to shake a little, but my mother was still there. In one fell sweep, he freed his right hand which was holding a knife and moved it anti-clockwise in inhumanly way which hit straight on my head. The moment it hit me, I experienced a pain like none other, and I woke up.

  I was breathing heavily. What? It was a dream! I knew it, and yet it felt so real. Most of the times in my thoughts, it felt as if I was somewhat conscious, like instead of a scene playing, I was able to make decisions, but I don’t know if I was the one to make them, or if it was still a product of my mind. Well, it was a dream and that of me, so I must have been in control of it, at least my brain must be. I was still lying down on my bed. I suspired and went to sleep again.

  The next morning, I somehow had this feeling that it wasn't over and that I had to do something. I thought it was time I finally got a hold of those books. I knew they were no longer around me or with anyone else at home, so I came up with the idea of going to the city and getting a new set of them.

  It was time to lie again. It was the need of the hour. I knew that I should just be honest and let everyone know what I was doing, but I couldn’t. Like what this thing was doing to me, if it did that to someone else, to someone I loved, I would be heartbroken. I was too emotional, but my emotional capacity from experiencing all those emotions daily had turned out to be much higher than anyone else. I knew that I could only do this. But, what if someone other than me is going through the same things, and just doing what I am doing? So, would it help if I came out with my thoughts and finally they would come out too?

  No!!! I just don’t know what the right thing to do is.