by Erica Lee
I stood on the edge of the dance floor looking around when I felt a hand on my back. I turned to see Jenny standing beside me.
“Everything ok? You’re not your usual wedding self tonight.”
I smiled. She really did know me so well. “Yeah, I’m good. Just not in the party starting mood.”
“Makes sense,” Jenny said knowingly. “I happened to notice that the fence to the pool isn’t very high. How do you feel about climbing it and dipping our feet?”
I agreed and we made our way out of the reception hall. When we got to the pool, the fence was higher than I expected from Jenny’s explanation. She stepped onto my hands and scaled the fence like an old pro, then clung to the other side and reached her hand out to pull me up.
I raised an eyebrow at her. “I take it you’ve done this before?”
She raised both shoulders and winked. “A magician never reveals her secret.”
We walked over to the pool and dipped our feet into the water. We sat silently for a few minutes before Jenny finally spoke.
“You look a lot like your dad when you laugh, you know.”
I nodded my head. “A lot of people have told me that. Apparently, when I’m really focused on something, I look more like my mom.”
“Do you think your personality is more like your mom’s or your dad’s?” Jenny asked and unlike most people, she seemed to sincerely want to know the answer.
“It’s a pretty even split. My values are more aligned with my mom’s. We both value God and our relationships with others above everything else. I have my dad’s sense of adventure though. I also inherited his love for LA. I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty sad that I won’t have a reason to fly here every few weeks now that the wedding is over.”
Jenny laughed. “You know what? I’ve had to deal with Todd going on and on about how he doesn’t understand why you won’t just move to LA and I normally just blow him off. But he might be onto something. I know people who have lived in LA since the time they were born and they love it here, yet none of them talk about it the way you do.”
“Can I make a confession?” I asked while staring up at the stars.
“Of course you can,” Jenny said while placing her hand on top of mine. “You can tell me anything Rory.”
I tried to ignore the sensation I was getting from her hand on mine and took a deep breath. “Living in LA would be like a dream come true to me. Honestly, when we first visited here when I was ten years old, I decided this was where I wanted to live when I grew up. Every goal list and every dream board I made from that point forward included moving to LA.”
“So what changed?”
I looked from the sky into Jenny’s eyes. “My Dad moved here.”
Jenny went silent for a moment and her face scrunched up like she was thinking. Then, suddenly, I saw it hit her. If this was a cartoon, the lightbulb would have turned on above your head.
“You’re afraid if you move here it’s like you chose your dad over your mom.” I noticed that Jenny’s words were more of a statement than a question. She didn’t have to question it because she knew me well enough to know what I was thinking.
I nodded slowly. “I’m afraid if I come here now, it will look like I’m following my dad. I never want my mom to feel like I chose him over her. I don’t want her to feel like I left her too.”
Jenny stared into my eyes like she was trying to see something deep inside my soul. “I get it. I don’t think your mom would truly see it that way, but I can understand where you’re coming from. I wish it wasn’t that way though. I’m going to be honest. I would give anything to have you close to me all of the time.”
My lips parted in surprise and Jenny’s eyes went wide. “I mean I would give anything to have you live close to me,” she corrected, but the look on her face said she meant otherwise.
We sat staring at each other and a wave of feelings rushed through me. It was a sensation I had never experienced before and it scared the crap out of me, but I still couldn’t take my eyes off of her.
I finally shook myself from her magnetic pull and removed my hand from underneath hers while I stared at my feet in the pool water.
“So, how much do you like that dress?” I asked, still unable to make eye contact with her.
Jenny chuckled. “I mean I happen to think I look nice, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“No I already figured that part out for myself,” I said, finally lightening up a bit. “I’m just asking if you think you would wear it to another wedding.”
“Oh god no,” Jenny said quickly. “I have a strict rule against wearing the same dress to two different weddings. Why do you ask?”
I felt a mischievous grin spread across my face as I moved my arms behind Jenny and pushed her into the pool. She flailed around as soon as she hit the water. I couldn’t hold back my laughter at the sight.
“Oh you think this is funny?” She asked with a fake scowl.
Before I could respond, I felt my feet being pulled into the water and soon I was floating right beside Jenny. Now she was the one laughing hysterically. It only took a few minutes for our teeth to start chattering so I jumped out of the pool and headed over to the towel bin. There was only one towel left, so I stood unbearably close to jenny and wrapped it around both of us. The feelings I was trying to avoid quickly returned and I felt myself gulp.
That’s when it hit me. I had a crush on Jenny; a real heart clenching crush. I know that should have been obvious by now with the constant attraction and almosts. But this wasn’t just sexual attraction. A crush was different. A crush meant having feelings that went way beyond just wondering how it would taste to have Jenny’s lips on mine. A crush meant feelings and wishes. A crush was about hopes and dreams. Attraction was fun; a crush could kill you. In that moment, I knew I had to do something. I had to stop this crush before it got any worse and hurt both of us.
Chapter 11
I sat in a booth at a small diner in LA and impatiently stared at the clock. Todd was supposed to arrive fifteen minutes earlier. Normally, this wouldn’t have bothered me, but I had spent the last five months since my dad’s wedding in one heck of a funk. As soon as I got back home, I threw myself back into the dating scene and it was a complete disaster. I compared every girl I dated to Jenny to the point where it completely took the fun out of it. When I wasn’t able to distract myself with other girls, I decided it was best if I pulled back from Jenny a bit. We still talked a decent amount, but I avoided our usual FaceTime or Skype chats. I lied and told her that work was killing me, even though it hadn’t been any busier than usual.
When I realized I needed to fly to California so I could visit a small surf shop at Venice Beach that had just connected with a large West Coast retailer, the first person I wanted to tell was Jenny. There was nothing that would have made me happier than spending a few extra days in the area just so I could have time with her and I knew that was exactly why I couldn’t tell her. I felt guilty, but it’s not like I was going to avoid her forever. I just needed this crush to die down and then things could go back to normal.
My thoughts were interrupted by Todd scooting into the booth across from me. “It took you long enough,” I said with a little more attitude than I originally intended.
He shrugged his shoulders. “What did you expect Ror? I had no good excuse for why I was leaving for school two hours early today, so when my boyfriend held me up I couldn’t exactly run out. It’s not my fault we had to keep this little rendezvous a secret. I still don’t understand why I’m the only one who is allowed to know that you are in California. Also, by the way, Jenny told me that you two haven’t talked too much lately since you have been oh so busy with work. I find that funny since you have found plenty of time to talk to me.”
Todd stared at me waiting for an explanation and when I didn’t say anything, he continued. “What’s going on with you Rory? I know you’re avoiding Jenny. What happened?”
I shrugged my shoulders.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” When Todd glared at me from across the table, I added, “As my best friend, isn’t it your job to accept my decisions without questioning them?”
“Yes, but it’s also my job to tell you when you’re being an idiot and you, my dear, are being a big idiot.”
I groaned and laid my head down on the table. After a few seconds, I reluctantly lifted it back up and looked at Todd. “I like her Todd. Like I legitimately have a crush on her.”
I held my breath as I waited for his response. To my surprise, he burst into a fit of laughter. I glared at him, but that wasn’t enough to make him stop. Soon there were tears running down his cheeks because he was laughing so hard. After a few minutes, he finally stopped.
He put his hand on top of mine and smiled over at me. “I’m sorry to laugh at you but come on Rory. You’re acting like this is some big revelation. I knew you loved this girl from the first time you told me about her.”
I put up my hand to stop him. “Whoa there. No one said anything about love.”
“Ok ok. Whatever. Let me rephrase that. I knew you had a crush on Jenny since the first time that cute face of yours lit up talking about her. So, what’s the problem?”
“It’s just...I have all of these feelings and..” Before I could continue, I was interrupted by Todd laughing again.
“I’m sorry Rory,” he said in between giggles. “You just sound like the Grinch right now. What are you afraid of? That your heart is going to grow three sizes?”
I couldn’t hold back a laugh, but I tried my best to hide it from Todd. “I’m not afraid of anything. I just don’t want to ruin our friendship. Jenny has become one of my best friends.”
“So pulling away from her and lying about where you are is your way of making sure your friendship isn’t ruin? Makes perfect sense.”
I rolled my eyes at his blatant sarcasm. “I’m giving my feelings the chance to die down so I don’t end up doing something stupid. I’m not ruining our friendship for some stupid fling.”
Todd studied me seriously for a few seconds. “Have you ever thought that maybe it wouldn’t be a stupid fling? That maybe you could actually see yourself in a relationship?”
The truth was, I had thought about this. Lately, I started wondering more and more if I really did want to spend my whole life just casually dating. The idea didn’t seem as logical anymore. Although, I would never admit that to Todd.
I shook my head at his question. “No, I can’t see myself in a relationship,” I lied. “But even if I could, Jenny is only into casual hookups and I respect that.”
Luckily, Todd dropped the subject and updated me on what was new in his life instead. When we said our goodbyes he told me again what a big idiot he thought I was, but also promised to keep my trip a secret.
As soon as my plane landed back in Philadelphia, I noticed that my mom had called and texted me a few times. Once I was in my car, I called her back.
“Let me guess,” I said as soon as she picked up. “You’re calling to convince me to come home for thanksgiving. What is it? You don’t feel like driving the two hours to my place?”
I was joking, but the silence on the other end of the phone made me believe that I might be right. “I’m sorry honey,” my mom said quietly. “I just think we need to stay around here for the holidays this year.”
“Why mom? What’s going on?” Even as I asked the question, I was pretty sure I knew the answer, although I was hoping I was wrong.
“I didn’t want to tell you this over the phone, but it’s your grandpa,” she confessed. “You know how he has been sick a lot lately? They just discovered that he has lung cancer and it’s spreading. His body is just too old to fight it.”
I held my head, knowing my worst nightmare had just come true. “How much time does he have Mom?”
She sighed. “He might have a few months, but he also might have a few weeks.
As soon as I hung up, I quickly stopped by my apartment and threw a bunch of clothing into a suitcase, then headed back to my hometown. I called Todd on the way to update him on what was going on. By the time I pulled up to my mom's house, I had a text from Jenny telling me that she had heard the news and was here for me if I needed to talk. I should have known Todd wouldn’t keep his big mouth shut, only this time I found myself thankful that he didn’t.
The next two months flew by with me spending as much time with my grandpa as possible. Just a few days into January, I woke up in my old room to a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew something was wrong and slowly made my way down the stairs, not ready to find out what it was. My grandpa’s health was rapidly deteriorating lately and it was obvious he only had a few days left.
When I walked into the kitchen, I found my mom holding the house phone in her hand with tears streaming down my face.
“Mom…” I said hesitantly. “Did grandpa pass away?”
She shook her head, but still didn’t look up at me. “It’s your..grandma… she… she.. had a.. a..heart attack.”
I ran to the counter and picked up my keys, not worried about the fact that I was still wearing my pajamas. “Is she at the hospital? We need to get over there and see her. Do you think she needs anything?”
My mom’s tears turned into a sob and she shook her head. “No! No! No!” I practically shouted, catching on to what had happened. “But she was fine. She wasn’t the one who was sick. She was fine. She has to be fine.”
I almost fell over, but my mom stood up and held me in her arms. We embraced and cried together for a few minutes, until my mom backed up and wiped the tears from my eyes.
“We’re meeting the rest of the family at the hospital,” she informed me. “As soon as you’re ready, we’ll head over there.”
I nodded and made my way up to my room, but before I started getting ready, I pulled out my phone to make a call. I knew that there was only one person I wanted to talk to right now.
After just two rings, Jenny picked up the phone. As if she could somehow read my mind and knew why I was calling, she spoke slowly and softly. “Hey Ror. Is everything ok?”
Before I could string any words together, I was crying again. Jenny, of course, assumed my grandpa had died and it took a few minutes for me to articulate that it was actually my grandma.
“Oh Ror, I’m so sorry,” she apologized.
She reminded me that she would be there for me whenever I needed to talk and told me to call her as soon as I had some free time. Todd was right. I was an idiot for avoiding Jenny. I wish it hadn’t taken a tragedy for me to realize that.
The next few hours dragged by. There was a lot of talk about how to handle my grandma’s funeral and when it should take place. Even though no one was saying it, I knew they were dragging their feet because they had a feeling the funeral for one might turn into a funeral for two.
When I finally had a chance to look at my phone I had a text from Jenny. I was surprised by what she had said.
I spoke to Todd and my boss. We are going to fly in for the funeral. We want to be there for you. Just let us know when it is and we’ll figure it out. I’m here for you Rory. Don’t forget that.
Just two days later, it was confirmed that it would be a double funeral when my grandpa died in his sleep.
We planned the funeral for the following weekend and Todd and Jenny were able to get tickets to fly in the day before. There was so much that needed to happen leading up to the funeral that I felt like I had gone numb.
I was starting to wonder what was wrong with me, but as soon as I saw Jenny and Todd, the water works started all over again. Jenny took me in her arms and I melted into her. It felt good to be close to her, surrounded by the scent of her shampoo and body wash. It felt like home and for once, I didn’t worry about what that meant. I needed her and, in that moment, everything felt right. When she finally pulled away from me, I immediately missed her even though she was still standing right in front of me. As I stared into her concerned eyes, I decided I w
ould never let my feelings get in the way of what we had, whatever it was. As long as she wanted me around, I would be there, even if it meant ignoring the desire burning inside of me.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Todd clearing his throat beside us. I had been so wrapped up in Jenny that I had honestly forgotten he was there. I gave him a quick hug and when I stepped back, my mom walked over to greet them. She gave Todd a big hug and a kiss on the forehead and told him how good it was to see him again. Then she walked over to Jenny and pulled her into a big hug as well.
“I’m looking forward to getting to know you better the next few days,” I heard her whisper. “I didn’t get to spend much time with you last time you were here.”
Jenny stepped back and squeezed both of my mom’s hands. “I’m looking forward to getting to know you too Mrs. Montgomery. I just wish it was under better circumstances.”
We spent the day reminiscing about old memories of my grandma and grandpa with my family and feasting on the food that our neighbors had brought over. Around dinner time, the rest of my family left so I had time with just my mom, Todd, and Jenny.
Todd told my mom everything about Ryan and how in love he was. Then she asked Jenny questions about her family and job. As Jenny talked about some of the projects she was now doing at work, I realized just how much I had missed out on the past few months.
A few hours later, my mom yawned and announced that she needed to go to bed so she could be rested for the next day.
Todd looked at his watch. “I better go too. I need to catch my parents before they go to bed. I haven’t seen them in months.” He then turned to Jenny. “Do you want me to give you a ride to your cousin’s house?”