Broken and Beautiful

by Ryan, Kendall

  I swallow back the pain taking over and move my hands down to cup her face. I try to stop them from shaking, but I can’t. Thinking about what I did to Katherine always turns me into an emotional wreck. But as much as it pains me to speak the truth out loud and relive that night, I’m choosing to be the man I need to be for Cami right now.

  “Katherine fell into a deep depression after I broke things off. Said she’d never love anyone the way she loved me and she couldn’t live without me no matter how hard we fought. When I refused to give in, she turned to heavy partying and random hookups, looking for something she was missing. Something she was fucking missing because of me, Cami. She needed medicine to make it through the day, because of me. That still screws with my head.”

  Cami swallows and places her hands on my mine, her eyes telling me to continue. I do, even though the worst part has yet to come.

  “One night she hooked up with my best friend Ben, hoping it would make me jealous. They dated for a while after that. Until she found out she was pregnant and the baby wasn’t his but some random guy she hooked up with while drunk. Ben broke things off and wanted nothing to do with her. She cried and begged me to take her back since she no longer had someone to pretend with. She told me she couldn’t take care of Benny on her own and I knew that was true. I got back with her for Benny’s sake, but no matter how hard I tried to take care of Katherine, she kept getting worse. She was crying all the time, saying things like she knew I didn’t really love her, and that I was only with her for Benny’s sake. It was true. She felt that, Cami. I didn’t want to be with Katherine anymore and I was horrible at hiding it.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut and punch the wall, my emotions taking over. It’s been years since I’ve talked about what happened that night. I was hoping to never have to talk about it again. I never planned to have to explain it anyone.

  When I go the punch the wall for a second time, Cami grabs my face. “Look at me, Jensen. Look at me.”

  Exhaling slowly, I open my eyes and look into Cami’s, the look in them comforting and soothing, giving me the courage to go on. “I was working late one night. I knew Katherine had been upset that day. She sent me multiple texts about how much she needed me and couldn’t live without me. I kept reassuring her throughout the day that I wasn’t going anywhere. That I would be there for her and Benny, but it wasn’t enough anymore. She knew my heart wasn’t in it.”

  I swallow back the lump in my throat and run my thumbs over her cheeks when I notice the wetness. “I came home and found her on the bathroom floor. She’d taken almost the entire bottle of pills I just picked up from the pharmacy for her that day. Benny was sleeping. I had no idea how long she’d been lying there, but I dropped down on my knees and tried to save her anyway.”

  Tears wet my cheeks now, but I focus on clearing hers away, wanting and needing to take care of her first. “Even after the ambulance showed up and they pronounced she was dead, I yelled and demanded they save her. That they keep trying, because she needed to be here for her son. That’s when Benny woke up and saw two of them holding me back while the others carried his mom away. He kept yelling her name as they took her away and I was powerless. The only thing I could do was hold Benny and cry. I failed him. I failed them both, Cami. That’s something I can’t forgive myself for. I’ve tried. I’ve tried so fucking hard.”

  Her tears come out harder and she does nothing to hide them from me. She looks me straight in the eyes and pulls me down until my forehead is against hers. “You’re not a monster, Jensen. You need to stop beating yourself up when you did everything you could to be there for her. Do you know how many other men would’ve sacrificed their happiness to take care of her? Do you?”

  I lean my head back and look toward the ceiling, but she pulls my neck until I’m looking at her again. “Not many. That’s a rare thing. If anything, it makes you selfless. It makes you a good person, Jensen. If others can’t see that then they’re the problem. Not you. Where was her brother through all that? Where were her parents? Her friends? It sounds to me like you were the only one there for her when she needed someone.”

  I nod my head, confirming, and press my hands against the wall. “Not there.”

  She runs her fingers over my damp cheeks and leans in to speak against my lips. “But you were, Jensen. How could you expect me to hate you for what happened?”

  “Because I hate myself for it,” I answer simply. “I should’ve left work early that night. I should’ve been there for her and I wasn’t. Because of that Benny was left without a mother. If only I had gotten home sooner, she’d still be alive to see her son grow up.”

  She wraps her arms around my neck and hugs me hard, pulling me against her as if she can’t get close enough. “It’s because of you Benny had a mother for as long as he did,” she whispers. “And it’s because of you he knows what having a father is like. I truly believe that. I wish you would too. You’re not to blame. Nothing will change my mind to make me think otherwise either.”

  It’s the first time anyone has ever those words. I needed to hear them more than she’ll ever know or understand. I’ve gone all this time blaming myself and living up to the asshole everyone made me out to be after that night.

  “Fuck, Cami.” I kiss her hard on the lips, before picking her up and carrying her to my bed. She’s not going anywhere. Here with me is where she belongs, and I’ll never make the mistake of letting her think otherwise again.

  “I meant every word I said, Jensen.” She curls up in my arms when I crawl into the bed beside her. “I need you to believe that.”

  “I do,” I whisper into her neck. “Now let me hold you, Cami. I need to hold you.”

  I hold her in my arms until we both fall asleep. And for the first time in forever, I feel like I am enough for her. I want to show her that I am, and I’m making a promise to do that from here on out.

  * * *

  Cami

  I wake up in the middle of the night, wrapped in Jensen’s arms. He’s holding me tight, as if he’s afraid of letting go in fear I’ll run away in the middle of the night.

  It hurts my heart for him to even think that. I’m not going anywhere, anytime soon. I may still be pissed at him for what he did today to get me here in the first place, but he apparently knew pissing me off would get me right where he wanted me, and it worked.

  “You okay, baby?” Jensen’s voice is deep and scratchy as he sits up and pulls me into his lap. “What are you doing awake?”

  “Just thinking about you,” I admit. I turn in his arms until I’m straddling him. “Why did you want me to come to you? Why didn’t you just come to me?”

  He flexes his jaw and cups my face. “Because I was an asshole for kicking you out of my house. You belong here with me, and I wanted you to be here when you learned the truth. It’s the only way it would’ve felt right. You’re mine, Cami. I’m yours, and will never fucking kick you out of my house again. That’s a promise. I’ll let you kick me out of my own fucking house before I make you leave again.”

  Hearing him say he’s mine makes my heart skip a beat. It’s the best thing I’ve heard in a long time. “I like the way that sounds.”

  “Which part?” he questions against my lips.

  “All of it. But especially the part where I’m yours and you’re mine. That part sounds the best. I’ve missed you, Jensen.”

  “I’ve missed you too.” He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth, before kissing it. “I’m yours, Cami. All fucking yours for as long as you’ll have me. And you’re sure as fuck mine. Now let’s get some sleep.”

  Kissing me once more, he lowers me down to the mattress beside him, before cuddling up behind me and pulling me in as close as we can get.

  I’ve missed this at night, and after feeling it again, I don’t think I can go without it. He was right. I’m sure as fuck his, and that won’t be changing anytime soon.

  Cami

  I step into the kitchen to find Jensen sitting at the table in fron
t of a box of donuts. He smiles tiredly and pulls me into his lap the moment I get close enough for him to reach.

  “Morning.” His voice is deep and sexy in the morning. So damn sexy. “I didn’t want to wake you. Got us donuts.”

  “Morning,” I say, wrapping my arms around his neck as he turns me around, so that I’m straddling his lap. “Did you get much sleep?”

  He shakes his head and kisses my forehead. “Nah. I was a complete asshole to get you here and it kept me up off and on last night.” He runs his thumbs over my cheeks and looks me in the eyes. “I’m sorry, Cami. I’m sorry for being an asshole, and I’m sorry for pushing you away because I was too scared of losing you. I promise if you let me, I’ll make it up to you.”

  I smile and reach for a donut, placing it in his mouth when he opens it wide. “These donuts are a nice start,” I say, before pulling it from his mouth and taking a bite. “Glazed donuts are my favorite. Don’t forget that. It’s valuable information.”

  “I know, and I can’t,” he says. “I remember everything you say, Cami. It’s been that way since the first day I saw you. Even when I didn’t want to listen to you, I did.”

  “That’s sort of sweet in a way,” I joke.

  He leans in and sucks the glaze from my bottom lip with a moan. “So is your fucking mouth.” I laugh when I go to take another bite of the donut, but he snatches it with his mouth and spits it across the room. “Did you like your guest room? I know you’re pissed at me for it, but hopefully you liked it, because it’s not going back.”

  “Jensen,” I say firmly.

  “Did you like it?” he asks again. “Answer the question, Cami.”

  “I don’t know,” I admit. “I didn’t look when it was all put together. I jumped in my car and drove here on a mission. I was seriously pissed.”

  Jensen stands up, picking me up with him. “Grab another donut. We’re going to your place.”

  I reach for a donut, but he keeps pulling me back before I can grab one, so I slap his arm and yell at him until he finally gets close enough. Right as I grab the donut, he rushes us through the house, not even bothering to change first.

  Once we hop into his truck he leans in, takes a bite of my donut, and then takes off as if he’s in a hurry to get to my place.

  He’s lucky he’s being so cute right now or I’d yell at him the whole ride there about how he should’ve never bought the furniture to begin with. How the hell am I supposed to do that when he’s acting this way? I can’t and he knows it.

  When we get to my house, he rushes me to the door and unlocks it with his own key. “You keep my house key on your keyring?” I ask, surprised. I’m not sure why it surprises me. He’s Jensen Blake, after all. “Do you keep a key for all of your rentals on you?”

  “Fuck no,” he says, pushing the door open. “This is the only one I plan on spending my time at. Now get your sexy ass in the house. Now.”

  “Yes, Master,” I tease, feeling playful.

  “Mmm… I like the sound of that.” He follows me through the house, keeping his hand on my waist the entire time to the guest room.

  My eyes widen when I look inside the room to see that everything he ordered is white just like I said I wanted. I knew the futon was white, but I figured that was just a coincidence. I didn’t think he was listening that day we painted together. Apparently, he was telling the truth when he said he listens to everything I say.

  “I’m still mad,” I say, turning to face him. “But I love it at the same time. I’m not going to lie. It’s exactly how I pictured it, Jensen.”

  “Good.”

  He pulls me into his arms, but right as he goes to kiss me Veronica pokes her head into the room, scaring the crap out of me. “Holy shit, Veronica. You scared me. Don’t do that ever again.”

  My best friend looks us over with a smile. “I was wondering why you never came home last night. I was praying with everything in me that you were with Jensen and not Douglas. You have no idea how cute you two look together. I mean, it’s sort of weird, but I get it.”

  I expect Jensen to be his usual grumpy self when it comes to everyone else, so I’m surprised when he smiles and says, “Damn straight we look cute together.” Veronica and I both laugh. “Oh, and for the record, you will never find her at Douglas’ house,” he adds.

  “Good.” Veronica smiles, and begins backing her way out of the room. “You two have fun. I should get back to the stove before Peter’s breakfast burns. Again.”

  “Good idea, Veronica.” I say as Jensen backs me against the wall. “Tell Peter—”

  I’m cut off by Jensen’s mouth capturing mine.

  “Okay, good talk. I’ll tell him just that,” Veronica says, before disappearing.

  “I’ve gone too long without you. Don’t think for one second I’ll be sharing you for a while.”

  “Well, good thing for you I’m off for the weekend. You have me to yourself for two days. Better make it worthwhile.”

  “Oh, I will. But I don’t need to tell you this.”

  * * *

  JENSEN

  I refused to let Cami leave my sight for one fucking second yesterday. I went three weeks without her. Three fucking weeks, so you can believe I made the best of our first night together.

  But today is our last day before we both have to go back to work, and as much as I don’t want to share her with anyone else, she deserves a nice night out for me to wine and dine her.

  I’m usually not the suit-wearing, flower-buying type of guy, but for Cami, I’ll be anything and everything she fucking deserves. Okay, so I’m not wearing a suit and I didn’t buy any flowers, though I would’ve if she wanted me to, but she didn’t.

  There’s this new restaurant that opened up tonight, and as soon as Cami mentioned it me to last night I called and pulled a few strings to get us a table. The excitement in her eyes when I told her where we were going made my entire fucking week. Hell, it made my entire year.

  “Ready, babe?” I ask for the third time in ten minutes.

  “I think so,” she yells to me from the bathroom. “My stupid hair is not cooperating tonight.”

  “Then leave it down.” I step into the bathroom and my hands instantly go to her hips. “You look incredibly sexy in that dress. Fuck the hair. I like the freshly fucked look on you better anyway.”

  She laughs and slaps my chest. “Is there ever a time that you don’t think dirty?”

  “Do you want there to be a time?”

  “I’m going to go with no.” She gives up and lets her hair hang down when I yank her to me. “I love your mouth, Jensen. It grew on me.”

  “Something else is about to if we don’t leave now. Like right now.” I pull her in for a kiss, before guiding her outside to my truck. If we stay here for one more second, we’ll lose our reservation and end up in her bed.

  When we pull up at the restaurant, it takes close to five minutes to find a place to park, as expected. There’s a line outside of people waiting for a table, and I can’t stop the cocky grin that takes over when one of those people we walk past to get inside is Douglas.

  He takes one look at my arm around Cami and loses his shit on the inside. I know that look, because I’d do the same if it were him with Cami.

  She doesn’t even notice him. She’s too busy looking at me with a smile that could light up this whole fucking place. If that doesn’t how him that she’s happy without him then I don’t know what will.

  Cami is my girl, and no one will be getting a chance with her again. The look of disappointment on Ole Dougie’s face says that and more. He’s not happy that he lost her, but he’s even more fucked over the fact that she’s mine.

  We’re halfway through dinner when Cami leans against the table to grab my face. “Thank you. Oh my God. You have no idea how much I love this food. Can we eat here every night?” she teases.

  “If you want to.” I’m serious, and from the look on her face she knows it too. “Anything you want, Cami. I’m serious.
”

  “I don’t even know what to do with you.”

  “That’s not a problem, because I know what to do with you, Cami.”

  “Oh yeah?” She smiles and sits back in her chair. “What is that?”

  “Keep you,” I say gently.

  She looks me in the eyes, taking a swig of her wine. “I’d like that. A lot.”

  “I’m counting on that.” I look away for a second to get the attention of our waiter when I see Douglas and Susan are finally at the front of the line. He’s looking directly at Cami, and Susan is looking directly at him, looking at her. I have to hold back my laughter at how pathetic the fucker is.

  “Oh God.” She sets her wine glass down and leans in to speak quietly. “How long has Douglas been staring at us? The look on his face is creeping me out.”

  Without a word, I stand up and walk to Douglas, giving his shoulder a tight squeeze. I put on a smile so that everyone around us suspects I’m saying something nice. “You’re going to stop staring at my girl, Douglas. She wants nothing to do with you, and if you attempt to show up at her classroom again or catch her in the parking lot of the school, I won’t only kick your fucking ass, but I’ll also make sure you get transferred to a different school distract.” His eyes widen at the last part. “Do I fucking make myself clear?”

  He swallows and nods.

  “Good, Dougie. Have a great fucking dinner. That’s if your girl doesn’t leave before you make it to a table. Keep your eyes off Cami. Don’t make me come over here again.” I slap his shoulder a little too hard before walking away to join Cami at the table again.