Broken and Beautiful

by Ryan, Kendall

  Lisa was talking about the pictures of Crystal and me all over the living room.

  “Yeah, she was my birth mother and CJ’s.”

  “Was?” She picked her head up.

  “She died about two months ago—”

  "The same time you got CJ." She was putting the pieces together. I nodded. "I'm so sorry."

  "I hadn't seen her in years, and then one day, she's gone, and I have a baby brother." I shrugged. "Anyway, Crystal was short with long brown hair, but that's where the similarities end. I must've been really gone that night because I don't remember any of this."

  “I hope I remember all of this.” She stroked my face again.

  “I hope you do too.” I smiled down at her.

  “Cole…” she whispered.

  “Yes, Lisa?”

  “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

  * * *

  She didn't end up getting sick. Some of CJ's gluten-free crackers eased her nausea, and we lay in the bed spooning, her back tucked into my chest with the wastebasket from my bathroom next to the bed, just in case.

  “How are you feeling?” I whispered into her ear.

  "Better," she said in a sigh and tightened my arm around her waist, bringing us closer together. "Is that what I think it is?" She giggled, wiggling her bottom into my hips. She was definitely still drunk.

  "I'm afraid so. My friend has a mind of his own," I whispered again. Lisa laughed harder. "I can still go to sleep on the couch."

  “No. I kept my end of the bargain. You keep yours.” She yawned loudly. “Thank you for kidnapping me.”

  “Anytime.”

  “Goodnight, Cole.”

  “Goodnight, Lisa.”

  * * *

  The next morning, Lisa came downstairs dressed in her clothes from the night before to find CJ and me in the kitchen.

  "Hey, neighbor," I said. She looked exhausted but no less beautiful than she always did. I suspected she didn't sleep well.

  "Good morning." She gave me a small, embarrassed smile and quickly turned her attention to CJ. "Good morning, handsome." She leaned over his high chair, and he rewarded her with a blueberry. "Thank you." She laughed and chewed before standing up to face me.

  “About last night…” She trailed off.

  "I hope you're not about to apologize or ask me to pretend it didn't happen because I'm not entertaining either of those things." I glared at her with my eyebrows raised, daring her to contradict me.

  “Fine,” she sighed. “Well, thank you. I hope I didn’t keep you up with my snoring.”

  “What? No,” I lied. Actually, she kept CJ and me both awake with her snoring. I couldn’t believe such loud noises could come from such a little person.

  She gave me a skeptical look, and I quickly deflected.

  "Hey, you want some breakfast? The pickings are slim for you, but I have eggs, blueberries, and coconut oil…or I could run to Whole Foods."

  "Thanks, but I think I'm gonna head home. I've imposed enough. I have to take my morning meds, do a couple laps around the park, and get ready for work…"

  "Okay, but you're always welcome here. Right, CJ?" I looked at my tiny wingman who chose this moment to start making loud snorting sounds, a clear imitation of the noises that permeated the house this morning and last night. My face went slack. I looked at Lisa, who was giving me another skeptical look.

  "They're teaching them about farm animals in daycare," I stammered. "Good piggy noises, buddy. Now, what does the cow say?"

  CJ answered with more snorting noises. I turned back to Lisa.

  "It really wasn't that bad, I swear." I gave her a weak smile, and she answered with her own smile.

  "Believe it or not, it used to be worse." She turned to leave, and I followed her to the door. "See you later, neighbor."

  “When?” I asked.

  “Um, I don’t know.”

  “I hope you won’t make us wait another two weeks.”

  “We’ll see.”

  * * *

  "Did I see Lisa leaving your house this morning?" Kimberly was crawling after CJ on the sitting room floor at Mom and Dad's. It was just the three of us. Our parents went to the movies after breakfast, RJ was at MIT, and Adam was in Barbados. CJ and I were also leaving soon. I wanted to pick up some things from the grocery store and maybe catch Lisa on the way home from her jog.

  “You know you did. So, ask me what you really want to ask me.”

  “Okay, what’s going on between you two?”

  “Nothing. We’re just friends and neighbors.”

  “Well, I don’t do the stride of pride from my neighbor’s house.”

  “Doesn’t your fiancé live down the street?”

  "Not the same thing, and stop avoiding my question."

  "She had a little too much to drink last night, and I took care of her."

  "Hmm," was all she said before resuming her slow-speed chase with CJ.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. Sounds perfectly innocent and neighborly.” She smirked.

  "Seriously, nothing happened. I heard Lisa coming home last night. She was out of it, so I brought her inside and put her to bed." I realized telling that story to anyone that wasn't my sister would have sounded shady, but Kimmy knew me better than that.

  "I thought she didn't drink." Kimberly doesn't drink either. She also snores but nothing like the noises I heard last night. The memory of them made me smile, and I realized that I missed the feeling of Lisa: warm, pressed against me, and sleeping in my arms.

  “She usually doesn’t, but she did last night.” I shrugged, not willing to go into details about Lisa’s tumble off the wagon.

  “So what are you two up to today?” she asked, tickling CJ’s belly.

  “Whole Foods and then a walk around the neighborhood. Wanna come with us?”

  “I wish. I am working.”

  “It’s Saturday.”

  "I am aware," she deadpanned. "Vittoria is due to drop that baby any day now, and instead of working less, she's in overdrive. I'd be surprised if she wasn't dictating emails between contractions. It's a good distraction since Adam couldn't come home this weekend. Vittoria knows I spend Saturday mornings with my family and Sunday mornings with Adam's family, but I should get going soon."

  “You’re going to his family brunch without him? Isn’t that weird?”

  "At first, but they're a pretty amazing family, and Mom used to model with Abby's mom in the nineties."

  “Yeah, you told me… Hey, how much do you charge for the ground floor?”

  “Why?” Her face lit up. “Are you thinking of renting your apartment?”

  “Maybe.” I definitely wasn’t, but the less Kimberly knew about the plan I was hatching, the better.

  "I charge Lisa twenty-five hundred, and she pays her own electricity and cable, but you could definitely charge more."

  "Twenty-five hundred? That's crazy." Lisa must spend half of her take-home pay on rent and utilities.

  “For the entire floor of a brownstone in Harlem with a washer/dryer and backyard access? That’s crazy cheap.”

  I started doing the calculations in my head.

  "Cole?" Kimmy called to me, and I must have really been deep in thought. "What made you change your mind about the apartment?"

  "I don't know. Things change." It was all I could come up with, but it was pretty close to the truth.

  Something had definitely changed in the last twenty-four hours.

  12

  lisa

  Dr. Douglas flipped through a stack of papers attached to a clipboard. “Well, all of your tests look great.” She smiled at me.

  "Most days, I feel like I'm a detective more than a doctor when it comes to treating PCOS, but your body seems to be responding well to the Metformin. You've lost another eight pounds, and you've had two menstrual cycles since your last appointment. That's great."

  I smiled at her.

  "You're following your diet and exercise plan. Which is also gre
at. Except for consuming alcohol, which is not so great."

  "It was one time. I didn't have any sugary drinks, and I drank lots of water."

  "Lisa." She put down her clipboard and leaned on the counter in the exam room. "Speaking as a person who is also divorced from the human equivalent of an anal fissure, I totally understand why you did what you did. As your doctor, I have to warn you, again, how dangerous mixing alcohol and prescription drugs can be, particularly Metformin. You were careful, but it could have been much worse."

  I nodded.

  “Good. You’re one of my favorite patients, and I’m not supposed to say that.” She patted my leg. “Are you experiencing any more side effects? Nausea, diarrhea, lethargy?”

  “No, not after the first month. Thank God.”

  “How are your periods?”

  "The last one I had was about five days, heavy for the first three, then tapered off to spotting."

  “Pain?”

  “Excruciating.”

  “Okay. I’ll write you a prescription for some pain meds to have handy. Hirsutism?”

  "So much better. Not ideal, but nothing I can't handle with waxing and tweezers. And I'm noticing fewer hairs in my hairbrush."

  “Great. Acne?”

  “Also better. I still get little breakouts from the CPAP mask.”

  “Which brings me to my next question. How are you sleeping?”

  I had to decide how to answer this one. Sleep has been horrible, but it wasn't for medical reasons. I stay up late at night, hoping for an excuse to hang out with my handsome neighbor and his adorable brother in the wee hours of the morning.

  "The CPAP machine has been a game-changer." I nodded. When I used it, I added to myself.

  "The CPAP is not a permanent solution, and you'll find that you need it less and less if you keep progressing the way you have, but you should be using it regularly."

  I nodded again. It was clear that Dr. Douglas knew that I wasn’t using the machine every night, but had decided she’d filled her patient lecture quota for one visit.

  “With the one exception, have you been sexually active in the past six months?”

  "No." I shook my head. I immediately flashed back to Cole's powerful jaw, working between my legs and feeling his tongue caress my most sensitive areas. But that didn't count. Dr. Douglas did a small head tilt and narrowed her eyes slightly.

  “Do you plan to become sexually active in the near future?”

  My mind flashed to the feel of Cole’s erection cradled between my ass cheeks as we cuddled in his bed with his giant arm wrapped around me, and his warm breath tickling my neck.

  “No.”

  "You hesitated…" She trailed off with the hint of an unprofessional smile curling the corners of her mouth. I didn't answer her. "I'm asking because you are responding really well to this protocol. Before you started seeing me, you hadn't had a menstrual cycle in two years, now you've had two in the last six months. I know you weren't a fan of the birth control pills you were prescribed by your other physicians. Still, as your cycle regulates, you may want to consider some birth control methods."

  I stared at her for a moment before I started laughing. It was a knee-jerk maniacal laughter. "My ex and I spent years and lots of money for smart people to tell us that I would never need to use birth control. Ever."

  "I know, but circumstances change. Just because you have a period doesn't necessarily mean you can get pregnant. Still, I want you to consider every possible outcome."

  “Thank you.” I nodded. “And, sorry for laughing at you.”

  She huffed out a small chuckle and nodded. "It's fine. Lisa, you should be really proud of yourself."

  I thanked her again.

  “Okay, I’m gonna let you get dressed. Make sure you stop by the front desk to make your next appointment. See you in six months.”

  * * *

  I stepped out of the subway station on 125th Street wholly absorbed in the cosmic joke that was my life. My therapist's appointment wasn't until next week. I'd have to make a note to schedule future therapy sessions on the same day as my gynecology appointments because I had a lot of shit to unpack.

  I'd spent years living in a fairy tale. I'd had a handsome prince, a big castle and all the money I'd ever need. The only thing that was missing was children. My body wouldn't give them to me, and it destroyed my life. Now that I was divorced, single, living alone in a small apartment and in debt, Dr. Douglas said, “Hey! Guess what? You should take birth control because you might get pregnant, you know, by accident.”

  What the actual fuck?

  I was so distracted that I almost made it all the way to my house before I realized I’d forgotten to go to the grocery store, which was one block away from the train station. I was just about to turn around when I saw Theresa pacing in front of my house with CJ in her arms. I wasn’t aware until I stopped in front of them, panting and out of breath, that I had run to close the distance.

  "Theresa?" I put my arms out, and CJ leaned forward, reaching for me. "What happened? What's going on?" I pulled him into my arms and pressed my lips to his forehead.

  “Lisa! Thank God! I am so happy to see you.”

  “What’s going on?” I repeated. CJ, who was tangling his fingers in my hair, looked fine, but Theresa looked panicked.

  “I have to go. I tried calling Cole, but he didn’t answer—”

  “Because he works at a busy freaking law firm.”

  "Then," she didn't seem to hear me and kept talking, "I tried to give the baby to his mom and dad—they live on the corner—but when I got there, some lady answered the door and said they weren't home. I think she was a housekeeper or something, and she wouldn't take the baby—"

  “Because she’s a housekeeper, not CJ’s nanny.” I was getting furious and switched CJ to the hip furthest from Theresa.

  "I tried his sister"—she pointed to the main entrance of the house—"but no one answered." I knew Kimberly worked and traveled a lot, but none of that explained why Theresa was trying to give CJ to someone. “Then I thought I was going to have to take him with me, but then I saw you—”

  "Take him where, Theresa?" If this were a slapstick comedy, I would've shaken her by the shoulders and started slapping her.

  “I got a callback!” she squealed.

  I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Was this bitch serious? She was going to ditch an eighteen-month-old baby who she was being paid to take care of to go on an audition or, worse, take him with her? Now, I really wanted to slap her.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “Lisa, it’s a second callback. I actually have a shot at getting this part. CJ is a great kid, but I didn't move to New York to be a nanny. I have to go."

  “Theresa, you made a commitment. This is a child, a living, breathing human being—”

  “This is an emergency.”

  "No, it isn't!" I screamed, startling CJ, who began to whimper. "Shh, shh, shh," I quieted and bounced to calm him.

  "Look, I don't have time for this. Are you going to take CJ or not?" She reached for him, and I took a step back, swiveling out of her reach.

  “You’re fired,” I stammered.

  “What?” She froze.

  “You heard me.” I repositioned CJ on my hip and glared at her. She didn’t know how lucky she was that I was holding this baby.

  “I don’t work for you. You can’t fire me.”

  "That's so funny because I just did." I walked past her and entered the gate to get to my front door.

  “Well, Cole owes me money for today.”

  I threw my head back and laughed. CJ joined me.

  "Good luck with that," I called over my shoulder, and I entered my apartment and slammed the door behind me.

  * * *

  I was still shaking with rage when I sank into my couch, still holding CJ. I couldn't believe Theresa. What the hell would have happened if I remembered to go to the grocery store? Would he be crammed in an audition roo
m with God knows who? Would she have taken him on the subway? She didn't even have his stroller or his diaper bag. I checked his diaper. He was dry. At least she did that.

  I glanced around my sparsely furnished apartment, realizing I didn't have any of CJ's things. After snatching the comforter off of my bed and laying it on the living room floor, I set CJ in the middle of it and handed him the strawberry ice pop Cole had given me a few days ago.

  I didn’t have Cole’s number, so I called Kimberly, hoping I wasn’t crossing some landlady/tenant boundary because this had nothing to do with the apartment.

  She picked up on the first ring.

  "Hey, Lisa. Is everything okay? Is it the water heater again?"

  “No, the water heater is fine. This is actually a more personal matter?”

  I told her all about Theresa, and after about a dozen variations of "Are you fucking kidding me?" she told me she'd get in touch with Cole, thanked me about a half a dozen times, and gave me the code to his house in case of emergency.

  After I ended the call with Kimberly, I dialed again. The line rang, and I held my breath.

  "Mama's Lunchbox," a familiar voice answered, and I exhaled.

  “Sasha, it’s me.”

  “Hey, what’s up? Why are you calling me at work?”

  “I can’t come in today.” I sighed and bit my lip.

  "Is it your period?" she asked. The last time I had my period, I was in so much pain I couldn't walk, and Sasha covered for me.

  "No." I told my story about Theresa for the second time in an hour to almost the exact same reception.

  “Are you fucking kidding me? Wait until I see that bitch… Well, Mike is on a rampage today. Are you sure you can’t just come in late?”

  “Four hours late?”

  “Shit.” She let out a sigh.

  CJ crawled into my lap and snuggled into my arms and was gazing at me between long slow blinks.

  "Is that Lisa?" I heard Mike's muffled voice in the background. "She better not be trying to call out with some audition bullshit. Tell her to get her ass in here tonight, or she's fired."