Heart of Hope: Books 1-4

by Williams, Ajme

  I drove up further into the mountains to a trail that was known to locals, but not by many tourists. I started up the steep incline, sucking in the clear air, and letting my heart pump away the negative energy. After an hour, I reached the top that had a spectacular view of the Goldrush Lake. I sat and drank my water, and only then did I reflect on what the fuck went wrong.

  I played out the entire encounter with Ms. Mason, wondering what I’d missed. Had I not gone to deliver the baby, would I have figured out the problem sooner and been able to help her? The tests weren’t done. Had I been there, I’d have called to find out about the hold up. That might have changed things.

  A voice inside me told me all this rumination wouldn’t change anything. The end result was that Ms. Mason was dead. She died on my watch. I’d forever be the one known as the doctor who let her die. I took a long swig of my water as I determined I’d probably deserved that. I still hadn’t listened to my phone messages, but I’d checked to see how many I had. More than I wanted to go through, especially since I suspected many would be rude. They’d blame me.

  I probably needed to do something beyond have a pity party, but what? Should I visit her family? Maybe I needed to make an official statement. I’d need to check with Dick about that. Or maybe Mia.

  Thinking of Mia made me wish she was here with me. That was a dangerous thought. It wouldn’t be good to want or need her. That would only lead to disaster. Her career came first. I’d learned that four years ago when she’d chosen to leave me to pursue a life in Los Angeles. Not that I blamed her or felt like she should have chosen me, although I wished she had. The truth was, I hadn’t chosen her either. What if I had? I shook my head of that thought. After three years of residency in a large city hospital, I knew it wasn’t for me. I liked the busyness and challenge of emergency medicine, but in a large city hospital, it often felt like I was under siege. The flow of emergencies was constant, and many were life and death. Too many were violent, including domestic abuse, gunshots and knife wounds. That had been one of the most shocking things I’d learned; the horror people could inflict on others.

  I headed back down the mountain. Back in my car, I thought about going to pick up some sandwiches to bring to Jim, but didn’t want to be asked about Ms. Mason by the deli owner or any patrons. Instead I drove to his house, knowing Eli would be at the store.

  “Nick,” Jim said as he opened the door to me. I could see by the concerned expression that he’d heard about Ms. Mason.

  “It’s my day off, so I thought I’d have that chess rematch.”

  “Come in, come in.” He waved me in. “What can I get you to drink? Beer?”

  “Beer would be great.” The doctor in me watched him as he made his way to the kitchen. He was moving slower these days, but he appeared to have his balance.

  He got the beer and then he set up the chess board on the dining room table. “I just want to say that I’m sorry to hear about Ms. Mason.”

  My gut clenched.

  “I’m sure you did all you could.” His blue eyes were kind as they looked at me.

  I nodded, and wasn’t sure what to say.

  “I heard you delivered a baby too. That means you also brought life into the world.”

  I like how Jim made a point to see the good in the world.

  “That delivery went smoothly,” I said.

  “That doesn’t mean she didn’t need a good doctor.”

  I shrugged. The truth was, Ms. Mason had needed me more and I wasn’t there.

  We spent the afternoon playing chess, which I lost, as usual. “You have the mind of a general,” I said to him as he took my queen again.

  “You always have to think two or three moves ahead,” he said with a smile.

  “Is that the secret?” I put my pieces back on the board.

  “That, and protect your queen. You’re sometimes reckless with her.”

  I swallowed as another wave of guilt filled me. Had I been reckless with Ms. Mason? Should I have arranged to have another doctor called in to deliver the baby? Or a midwife? I shook my head. The baby was crowning. There hadn’t been time.

  I checked my watch. “I should get going.” Eli would likely come by soon and I didn’t want to be there when he did. Jim never said anything, but I suspected he didn’t want to have to explain my being there either.

  “We’ll have to have a rematch.”

  I shook my head. “Maybe we can play something else? Rummy?”

  Jim laughed. “Sure. Did I tell you I’m good at cards too? Ask anyone at the senior center.”

  “I don’t doubt it.” I was glad to hear he got out of the house and with other people. Good for Eli for making that happen.

  When I got in my car, my phone rang. “Dr. Foster,” I said picking it up without checking the caller ID.

  “Dr. Foster, this is Carly Chapman with the Goldrush Gazette.”

  Fuck. “Yes?”

  “I was calling to ask you about Ms. Mason’s death.”

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t make any comments about her treatment. That’s confidential.”

  “Do you feel guilty?”

  I closed my eyes guilt filled my chest, making it hard to breath. Of course, I felt guilty, but I was smart enough to know I couldn’t say that. The hospital would see that as an admission of wrongdoing. On the other hand, I couldn’t say I didn’t feel guilty as it would come of as being callous.

  “I can’t comment.” I poked the off button, and swore, knowing the paper would likely print something suggesting I didn’t feel bad or that I had a God complex. Sitting in the car, I decided it was time to listen to the messages on my voicemail. There were a couple that expressed sympathy, but most were angry that I hadn’t been able to save the beloved teacher. There were two that unsettled me. Both made comments that they’d like to see me in the morgue. One was descriptive on how they’d like to put me there. I couldn’t be the only one getting calls like this. The hospital had to be getting them as well.

  I drove over to Mia’s condo, and waited the twenty minutes until she was home after work.

  “Nick,” she said when I met her at her car. “What’s wrong?”

  “I want to know the fallout from Ms. Mason’s death.”

  She studied me for a moment. “Fallout?”

  “Have there been calls? Threats?”

  “Threats?” Her brows rose. “Why don’t you come up.”

  I followed her up to her condo. She had a good unit with a view of the lake. The space was sparse in décor. Boxes were stacked along a wall.

  “Still not unpacked?” I asked.

  “It’s slow going. Can I get you something to drink? I don’t have beer but I have wine.”

  “Wine is good, thanks.” I sat on her couch, wondering if she’d finish unpacking or settling in. I knew she’d be here for her dad, but that didn’t mean she’d ever fully settle into life here. Another reason to not want to pursue a relationship with her again.

  She exited the little kitchen with two glasses. She handed me one and then took a seat on a chair across from me. I suppose that was a good thing. Yesterday she’d sat next to me on the couch and we ended up fucking.

  “What is this about threats?” she asked.

  “I have two messages from people who want to put me in the morgue.”

  Her expression grew concerned. “You should call the police.”

  “They’re just angry about Ms. Mason. But if they’re calling me, they’re probably calling the hospital.”

  She shook her head. “I haven’t heard that.”

  “What have you heard?” I took a sip of the wine. It was good, but I could have used something stronger.

  “Nothing.”

  “Am I going to be sued? Fired?”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong. Actually, if you have a little time, perhaps you can tell me from your perspective.”

  I sat back, closing my eyes for a moment to get the strength to go through it again. “She came in saying she
felt like her batteries were running out.”

  “Her batteries?”

  “I took that meant she was low on energy. She was clammy and had a temperature. I thought she probably had the flu, but her blood pressure and heart rate were up and her legs were swollen, so I wanted to rule out a heart or lung issues.”

  “Did you ask her questions about heart or lung issues?” she asked.

  I nodded. “Yes.” I took a moment to think back. “I never got a straight answer. During the exam, she talked a lot about being my teacher. But she never indicated any chest pain or shortness of breath. That I do remember.”

  “Yet you still ordered tests.”

  “Like I said, the blood pressure and heart rate, along with swollen legs, made me want to rule that out.”

  Mia gave me a smile. “That’s what Peggy said and what your notes say.”

  I shook my head. “If I hadn’t left her to deliver the baby—”

  “There was no one else to do it, and at the time that was more pressing. Procedurally—”

  “Don’t.” I said more tersely than I should have. “Knowing I followed procedure doesn’t help. A woman died on my watch. A woman this town loves.”

  “A woman in her seventies who smoked and took all day to get to the hospital. It’s possible it was already too late for her when she got to you.”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose as emotions swirled through me. I wanted to know I wasn’t to blame or that there wasn’t anything I could have done differently, and yet, it wouldn’t change the fact that a woman who trusted me to care for her had died.

  There was a knock on Mia’s door. She stood. “I’m not expecting anyone.” She opened the door. “Eli.”

  Ah fuck, just what I needed.

  “I just wanted … what’s he doing here?” I heard Eli say.

  “We’re discussing work. Maybe we can talk when I stop by Dad’s later,” she said.

  He came around the couch and pointed a finger at me. “How many people have you killed here, Foster?”

  “Eli!” Mia snapped. She looked at me with an apology in her eyes.

  I put my wine on the coffee table.

  “Wine. You’re drinking wine while working.” He turned on Mia. “What is it about him that you can’t keep your hormones in check. Isn’t there a rule about nonfraternization?”

  “You’re out of line, Eli,” I said, hoping he heard the warning in my voice. Former friend or not, I wasn’t going to let him disrespect Mia.

  He stepped up to me, getting into my face. “You killed our mother, you son of a bitch.”

  He certainly knew how to hit me where it hurt. I hadn’t killed her, but I had refused to treat her when she’d been brought into the hospital. She wasn’t my family, but we were close. Dr. Lassiter was there. He had years more experience and was a good doctor, so I didn’t have any problem letting him take over. While I didn’t treat her, I did stay with her, and was there as the assessments were done and the realization that she probably wouldn’t survive.

  “Your mother’s treatment was done properly—”

  “She’s dead. How’s that proper?” Eli snapped.

  “Eli, stop,” Mia said, pulling him back and out of my face.

  “She had massive internal injuries—”

  “You could have fixed her. But you didn’t. She wasn’t worth it to you?”

  “On the contrary, she was like family, that was why I didn’t—”

  “And because you didn’t, she died.”

  I inhaled a breath. Intellectually, I knew I’d been right to let Dr. Lassiter treat her. But deep in my heart, I wondered if maybe had I been in charge, could I have saved her?

  “Nick, maybe you could just go.” Mia said, with exasperation in her voice.

  I nodded. “See you at work.”

  I left with her and Eli arguing. But their quarrel was nothing compared to the burning in my gut that had me questioning my ability as a doctor. Was Eli right? Should I have treated his mother? Was there something else I could have done for Ms. Mason?

  That night, I took a sleeping pill knowing the dreams would come and hoping I could sleep through them without noticing. No luck. All night long I was assaulted with Ms. Mason and Jane Parker asking why I let them die. Eli showed up, threatening to put me in the morgue. I woke up when Mia stabbed me in the heart.

  10

  Mia

  I stopped by my father’s house the next morning to talk to him about Eli. What was his problem, anyway?

  Dad was at the kitchen table enjoying his usual toast with peanut butter. “Good morning. How’s my girl?”

  “Morning, Dad.” I kissed his head as I went to his coffee maker and poured myself some coffee. “How are you?”

  “Can’t complain.”

  I brought my coffee to the table, studying him. There was a lot he could complain about. Losing his wife. His Parkinson’s disease. His kids. But he didn’t complain. Perhaps I should take a page from his book.

  “What’s up with you?” he asked.

  “Eli stopped by my place last night. Nick happened to be there.”

  My dad’s graying brow arched. “You and Nick are spending time together?”

  “It’s not like that,” I said blowing on my coffee. “He had concerns about the fallout over Ms. Mason’s death.”

  “Is he going to be sued?”

  “Not that I’m aware of, but I think he’s getting angry calls.”

  My father shook his head. “The boy takes a lot of grief where it’s not warranted.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Are you talking about Eli? He seems to blame Nick for mom’s death.”

  “He needs someone to blame and Nick is convenient.” My father wiped his mouth with his napkin.

  “Why is he still so …” I was going to say crazed, but then didn’t want my dad to think I was picking on Eli. “Angry?”

  “He thinks Nick took advantage of you. Then losing your mom. And like I said, Nick has the life Eli wanted but didn’t pursue.”

  “Dad you don’t think Nick took advantage of me, do you? I promise you that it wasn’t like that. I actually had to pursue him. He was always good to me and at one time, we loved each other.” The more I spent with Nick, I had to wonder if my feelings were still there. At least stronger than I’d thought.

  “I know you’re your own woman, and that if Nick treated you badly, you’d have dealt with it. I like Nick. Personally, I think you could do a lot worse than him, regardless of what Eli says.”

  I sat back surprised by my father’s words. “You sound like you know Nick.”

  “I’ve known Nick since he was barely able to walk. I watched him grow up. I’ve seen him grow into a pillar of the community. I don’t see him through the same lens as your brother.”

  “What about Eli’s insistence that Nick could have saved Mom?”

  “I don’t believe it. Think how much worse it would be for Nick and all of us if he did treat your mom and she died. I’m sure that’s why there is the rule about not working on family. The guilt and blame would be crushing.”

  “But Mom wasn’t his family.”

  He pursed his lips and gave me a disapproving look. “You and Eli seem to think you have some sort of exclusive rights to Nick. We’ve known him since he was a child. We looked out for him when his folks moved away, and he looks out for me. I suspect at your mother’s request, although I’ve never asked.” My father rose from his chair slowly but with intent, clearly perturbed at me and Eli. “Sometimes you and Eli are self-centered.”

  The remark hit me right in the heart.

  “I’m sorry, Dad. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on with Eli.”

  “Why don’t you ask him then instead of the two of you bickering all the time?” He carried his plate in a shaky hand to the sink. “Don’t you need to get to work?”

  I looked at my watch. I’d be late if I didn’t leave now, but I hated going with my Dad upset at me. “Yes.” I stood and went to him.
“I’m sorry, Dad.” I gave him a hug.

  “Have a good day, pumpkin.”

  When I arrived at work, I pulled my mother’s medical record to get a better sense of what happened after her accident. Initially, I’d decided I wouldn’t read it, as I didn’t want to know the details. But now with Eli’s insistence that Nick could have saved her or that something hadn’t been right, I wanted to see what happened.

  I read through the report. My heart broke for my mother, seeing how battered and injured she was. This was why I hadn’t pulled the report sooner. I didn’t want to know just how much pain she’d had, or how scared she might have been. Nick had told me she knew things were bad. I sniffed as tears formed, thinking about how that must have been for her.

  I was a lawyer by training, but I’d been in the medical field of law for long enough to know that the injuries she had were life threatening. By the time the rescue people had gotten her out of her car, the internal bleeding was too severe to save her. Still, they did all they could to keep her calm and pain-free. They arranged for surgery to do all they could. At least she was under anesthesia when she passed, so hopefully she didn’t feel any pain.

  When I finally closed the report, I knew that no doctor, not even Nick, would have been able to save her. The only chance she had would have been to have gotten to the hospital sooner, but she’d been off the road, down a wooded embankment that took rescue workers a long time to reach and evacuate her. It took longer than she had time for.

  “At least Nick was there for you,” I said as I wiped away my tears.

  Pulling myself together, I read my email, curious as to whether or not there was messages from the hospital board or administration on Ms. Mason’s death and Nick. It wasn’t surprising that he’d gotten a few phone calls from residents. In a small town, everyone felt they knew you and had a right to let you know what they thought. But chances were that everything would die down when they learned the circumstances of her death. Like my mother, Ms. Mason got to the hospital a bit too late.