Heart of Hope: Books 1-4

by Williams, Ajme

  “I did.”

  He didn’t bring up how at one point we were going to share this space. Just as well. The past was gone, and it didn’t do any good to wonder what could have been. “Do the bears bother you?”

  “Only if I don’t deal with the garbage right.”

  We sat in silence, and I wanted to ask him about Ms. Mason and how he was coping. As if he knew that, he said, “I don’t want to talk about my work or Ms. Mason tonight. I need a break from it, Mia.”

  I nodded. “Okay. What do you want to talk about?”

  “What was your life in L.A. like? Movie stars and swimming pools?”

  “Not for me. I had a nice enough place. I liked my job.”

  The light in his eyes dimmed slightly. “So, this is just a short-term thing? Are you thinking of moving your dad down there when he needs more care?”

  “I haven’t thought that far ahead. Eli has a say, of course. Right now, I’m just taking it day by day.”

  “But you see yourself leaving here again at some point.”

  I sipped my wine. “Honestly, Nick, I have no idea. I miss some of the aspects of the city, but I can’t deny the slower pace and being around people who know and care about me is nice. It’s a double edged sword in both locations.”

  “How so?” he asked, pouring me more wine.

  “In L.A., I don’t have to worry about people knowing my business, but also, I don’t have people to worry about or help me. Here, people care about me, but that means they know all my business.” I looked down. “Someone could see my car outside and start to talk.”

  He nodded. “I’ll move it into the garage. That is, if you’ll stay.”

  “I might have to. I’ve lost count of the amount of wine I’ve had.”

  He grinned, topping of my glass again.

  We were quiet a bit longer, when I asked. “Have you and Eli ever talked since that night he showed up to my apartment four years ago?”

  Nick’s jaw tensed. “Not really. I’ve tried. Mostly he just yells at me for fucking you.”

  “My dad says he’s disenchanted and taking it out on you because you achieved your goals.”

  “Not all of them.” His green eyes bore into mine, filled with a meaning I didn’t quite get.

  “What haven’t you achieved?”

  He continued to stare for a moment and then looked down. “Just stuff. As far as Eli goes, I’ve given up. To be honest, he always did have a lazy streak. Maybe not lazy, but not working to his potential. He’d rather take the easy route. You and I, we stayed on course for our goals. Never veering, even when it meant sacrificing something important.”

  It didn’t take a shrink to know he meant sacrificing us.

  “By taking the easy route, Eli doesn’t have to work so hard or sacrifice, except that what he doesn’t realize is that he’s given up achieving his goals. That’s his sacrifice. It’s his fault, not mine, but I can see where he’d have resentment about it.”

  I shook my head. “He has no reason to resent you. You worked hard, he tried to scrape by. I hadn’t realized his acceptance to Davis was revoked for his grades until my dad said something. Did you know?”

  “I suspected. The thing is, Eli is a good shopkeeper. The community loves him. If he could stop whining and see what he has, and what he’s capable of doing, he’d be successful.”

  I nodded. “I don’t know how to help him with that.”

  “Maybe you should suggest he go to counseling,” Nick quipped.

  “He’s less likely to go than you are. Men can be so pigheaded.”

  “I don’t see you going to counseling.”

  “For what?”

  He studied me. “Everyone has issues, Mia. Even someone as near to perfect as you.”

  A part of me liked that he thought I was near to perfect; except I knew he was just being facetious.

  “What about you, Nick? You’ve got your successful career in your home town. Why haven’t you let a woman make an honest man out of you.”

  “I guess I haven’t found the right one.”

  “But you’re not looking either, are you?”

  “The last time I asked a woman to sign up for a life with me, it didn’t go so well.”

  I pursed my lips. “You and I both know that had either of us given up our dreams, we’d resent each other like Eli resents you.”

  He shrugged. “The women who are interested in me are more interested in their status in the community or perceived wealth.”

  “Perceived?”

  “I make good money, most of which goes to pay student loans.”

  “What about the women you’re interested in? Are there any?”

  “There are a few I’ve enjoyed spending time with … outside of the bed,” he clarified. “But they don’t like when I’m on call or when I have to work nights.”

  “Life of a doctor.”

  “I could go into private practice and have better hours.”

  Intrigued, I leaned forward. “Have you thought about that?”

  He nodded. “Actually, I have, off and on. I like the challenge of emergency medicine. And the feeling of making a difference when people really need it.”

  “You’re good at it.”

  He looked away, and I got the feeling he didn’t agree. He used to, I knew, but the issue with Ms. Mason was taking a toll. I suspected I was right and her death was just a straw on the camel’s back of a career filled with stress and loss. How long before that camel’s back broke?

  15

  Nick

  It was dangerous, how much I needed Mia. It was unsettling too. I was a strong man, so why was it that the only moments of relief from the guilt and self-doubt came when she was with me? Especially since she thought I was mentally compromised and needed counseling.

  Whatever the reason, the fact that she was a balm on my tortured soul made me want to keep her around as long as possible.

  We had a good dinner, and I was glad she stayed away from the topic of Ms. Mason. We washed the dishes together, and for a moment it felt like old times. Old times that I wanted to live in a little while longer.

  I pulled her to me before she could leave the kitchen. “Stay with me tonight.”

  Her eyes widened in surprise. “That’s probably not a good idea.”

  “We can put your car in the garage, although I’m not on a busy road. I don’t have neighbors close by. No one will know.” I knew I should respect her wishes and her job. Jesus, if she got fired because of me, I’m not sure I’d could take anymore guilt.

  “Do you think it’s wise? Living in the past.”

  A stab of pain lanced my heart, even thought I’d thought the same thing. What we were engaging in was reminiscing about old times, not something new. “I know you’re not interested in a relationship. And I don’t want to get you in trouble. But I’d like to spend more time with you.”

  Her smile was slow and coy. “One night.”

  I didn’t want to limit how many times we might spend together. “Tonight.”

  “Okay.”

  Thank fuck. It was still early, but I led her to my bed and lost myself in her sweet scent and her soft body. I was sure I’d sleep through the night with only images of her and pleasure. It started out that way, with Mia riding me, her round tits bouncing as she made my dick sing with joy. Just before my dream orgasm, Ms. Mason showed up, asking how I could be enjoying life after what I’d done. Jane Parker appeared next to her, accusing me of abandoning her in her time of need and allowing her to die. Eli, Jim and Mia joined them, all of them crowding me, blaming me. Soon faceless entities who left messages on my phone surrounded me.

  “Fuck!” I lurched up, my body in a cold sweat as my heart raced in my chest.

  “Nick?” Mia sat up next to me. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” I flipped the sheet off of me and made my way to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. That woke me up, but I still felt shaky. Like everyone in my dream was right behind me, r
eady to jump out like a boogeyman.

  I left the bathroom and went to my kitchen for a drink. As I downed the first gulp, Mia showed up wearing my old Stanford medical shirt.

  She leaned against the doorframe and studied me. “Did you have a nightmare?”

  “It’s nothing.” I finished the drink and poured another, praying she left it alone and went back to bed.

  “How often do you have them?”

  “It’s no big deal, Mia.” Maybe it was a bad idea to invite her to stay. The hard stare suggested she wasn’t going to let this go.

  “It is if you’re not getting a good night’s sleep.”

  “I’m fine.” I set my glass down a little too forcefully, the sound of the thunk echoing in my kitchen.

  “It’s not. If you’re not getting enough sleep, it will compromise you at work. Is that why you’re distracted?”

  I turned to her. “You have a problem with my medical skills?” I was glaring at her, but she didn’t seem to care.

  She glared back. “I have a problem with a doctor who isn’t operating at one hundred percent. Have you been having these dreams for a long time? Is that why you’re worried you messed up with Ms. Mason?”

  “Jesus.” I pointed to my knife block. “Why don’t you just stab me with that. It’ll hurt less.”

  Her eyes softened just a little bit. “I’m not trying to hurt you, Nick, but this is serious. The person who gets blamed in this situation is you.”

  I stared at her for a moment, feeling betrayed while knowing she was right. “Is that what you’re doing? Working with Dick and the powers that be to say I was at fault?”

  “No. But there is concern something went wrong, and as the doctor, the buck stops with you.”

  I scoffed. “If you want to figure out what went wrong, find out why my tests weren’t done. I ordered them and yet they never happened. Why, Mia? You’re the one that said EMR systems were fallible. Did ours fuck me over?”

  I moved past her, and headed back to my bathroom, getting a sleeping pill and downing it with tap water. When I got back to the room, Mia was dressing. A part of me felt like I should apologize and ask her to stay. I wanted her to. I suppose it was pride that had me not inviting her back into my bed.

  I climbed under my sheets. “If you’re leaving, be sure to close the garage door when you go.”

  “Do you really think the EMR is the problem?” she asked.

  “Don’t know.” I put my hands behind my head, wishing she’d undress and get in bed next to me.

  “Regardless Nick, you really should see someone. Nightmares are a part of PTSD.”

  “They’ll stop. They always eventually do.” I winced, realizing I’d revealed more than I’d wanted.

  “What about work? People feel like you’re hesitating. Not as decisive as you used to be. Nervous, even.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Checking up on me at work, Mia? Is that your job now? Making sure Dr. Foster doesn’t fuck up again?” Jesus, I think I just suggested that I thought I fucked up.

  “It’s my job to make sure the hospital doesn’t have any legal problems.”

  “Except the one where the lawyer is sleeping with the doctor.” Jesus fucking Christ, I was a masochist. Why couldn’t I keep my mouth shut?

  Her eyes narrowed. “Why are we doing this, Nick?” she asked slipping her shoes on.

  “Doing what?”

  “Having sex.”

  “We’re not. Not anymore. It’s out of my system. How about you?” Clearly, I’d lost my mind. My pride had taken over and it was going to ruin the one positive thing in my life at the moment.

  She flinched and I hated myself for being an asshole. Her chin lifted. “You’re right. Eli will be so pleased.”

  Fuck, she could hit back just as ruthlessly. I turned over, putting my back to her. Each step she took up the hallway, I wanted to jump out of bed and stop her. I had this feeling like something good was walking out of my life. At the same time, I felt like I deserved it. There was no reason I should be happy when I was fucked up emotionally. Besides, us being together broke the rules. The only way this thing could end was us being apart. Better now than in the future, when it might hurt like it had the night she left four years ago.

  The front door shut, the garage door opened, and her car started. I lay like a lump, wondering what the hell had happened. The good news was that I wouldn’t have nightmares because I couldn’t sleep.

  Fuck. I leapt from bed and sprinted up the hall and out the front door. “Mia!” She was backing up to my side drive to turn around.

  She stopped, looking at me over the steering wheel. I saw wariness in her eyes as I approached the car.

  “I’m sorry,” I said through her open window. “I’m an asshole.”

  “This is a mistake, Nick. We should just cut our losses.”

  I needed to touch her, so I opened her car door. “Don’t go. Not like this.”

  She didn’t take the hint. She sat in the idling car gripping the steering wheel. “What you need, I can’t give you. I wish I could. I really want to, but I can’t. Sex isn’t the cure any more than drinking or a sleeping pill is.”

  I wondered if she was going to use any of this against me at work. “Right now, in the middle of the night in the woods, you’re all I’ve got. Please. Stay. Like we said. Just one night. Give me that.”

  She sat looking out her windshield. I held my breath as I waited for her to process her options, crossing my fingers she’d stay. Finally, she turned off her car. I let out my breath.

  When she stepped out of the car, I pulled her to me. “I’m sorry, Mia. This has been hard, but it always is after losing a patient. I’ll work through it and then I won’t be such an asshole.”

  “Regardless, we can’t continue like this Nick. I should be leaving. This is a risk to my career.”

  “I know. I’m a selfish bastard to ask you to stay.” I cocked my head, and then grinned, wanting to change the mood. “I’m also charming and know how to make you come hard. That must be why you’re staying.”

  She pursed her lips and shook her head. “I’ll give you the Os, but not the charming.”

  I laughed. “You’ll give me the Os, huh? Well then,” I held out my hand toward the front door to show her the way. “Perhaps we could both give some Os. One last hurrah.”

  I spent the next hour, doing all I could to make up for being a jerk, and give her as many Os as possible. When we finally finished, I was exhausted physically and emotionally, and for once slept through the dreams.

  16

  Mia

  I wished it was only the Os that had me staying with Nick. I hated how torn up he was about Ms. Mason. I was deeply concerned about how the nightmares were affecting him on and off the job. Staying with him was a risk, but one I took not because I wanted Os, but because I cared for him and wanted to help him.

  As I watched him sleep next to me, I knew it wasn’t just my job I was risking. My heart was on the line. We agreed to one night and I knew I’d have to hold steadfast to that agreement. But whether I slept with him again didn’t matter. My heart had already taken him in again. Or maybe he’d never left. Maybe my feelings had just been dormant for the last four years.

  The answer for him was to get counseling, but that didn’t stop me from wondering what I could do to help him. One would be to clear up what happened with Ms. Mason, and make sure everyone knew that Nick hadn’t failed her.

  If you want to figure out what went wrong, figure out why my tests weren’t done. I ordered them and yet they never happened. Why, Mia? You’re the one that said EMR systems were faillable. Did ours fuck me over?

  His words came back to me. I’d checked the EMR system and saw that the tests were ordered, but I didn’t know why they hadn’t been done. I made a mental note to look into it further tomorrow.

  Nick rolled over and his arm lay across my middle. I smiled at him, liking the peace I saw in his face. He wasn’t having bad dreams at the moment. I wished I c
ould help him feel like this all the time.

  The next morning at work, I pulled the EMR report and read through it with a fine-toothed comb. Nick took detailed notes, and while nothing in them suggested he missed anything, there wasn’t anything exculpatory either.

  I saw the order for blood work and a chest x-ray, neither of which had been done. Things moved slow in medical establishments, unless it was life and death. Patients could sit in the ER waiting room for hours. And it could take time for tests to be done.

  I worked through the various tabs on the EMR report, trying to track down what happened with the order of the tests. I could see that the lab had received the order for the blood work, but it didn’t appear that the chest x-ray was received. I headed to the lab.

  Several specialists in white coats worked with the various equipment testing blood, urine and other bodily specimens not just from the hospital, but from the few private practice physicians as well. The pathologist was head of the lab, so I worked my way to her office.

  “Ms. Parker, what can I do for you?” She smiled, but I noted in her tone that she didn’t like the hospital lawyer paying her visit. The truth was, most people in the hospital didn’t like it when I showed up. I supposed I couldn’t blame them as I often had news or instructions they didn’t like.

  “I’m following up on Ms. Mason’s lab work. More specifically, why wasn’t it done?”

  The pathologist frowned and turned to her computer. “It looks like she died before the phlebotomist was sent.”

  “Why? I thought ER tests were always sent to the head of the line? She was there at least another thirty-five to forty minutes after the test was ordered.”

  “I’d have to talk to whoever was running the lab that day.” Her jaw was tense, as if she realized what the delay might have cost.

  “If you could do that and let me know, I’d appreciate it.” I left the lab and went to radiology, asking about the chest x-ray.

  The radiologist available went to the computer and looked up the orders for the day in question. “There is no order for a chest x-ray,” he said.