Again for the First Time

by Raven St. Pierre

  “Ah. That explains the dye job,” Cat said with a wide grin that threatened to become a laugh. “I miss her, though. Your mom, that is. I was thinking I might go see her while I’m here, but…” She paused. “I mean… if that’s cool with you. I wouldn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.”

  Cat and my mother were very close back in the day; it seemed legitimate that she’d want to spend time with her while she was in town. Not seeing the harm in a visit, I shrugged. “She’d probably like that.”

  Cat smiled again. “Noemi and Matt seem to be doing well. How many girls is he stringing along this month?”

  I laughed at that. “Surprisingly? None. He’s slowed down quite a bit to focus on his film career.” I started to tell her about his current interest, Brooklyn, but decided not to offer up information that’d make it seem like I was trying to keep the conversation going.

  Shock crossed her face at the mention of Matt settling down. If I hadn’t seen the change in my brother for myself, I wouldn’t have believed it either.

  “Hmm… I guess people can change.”

  “Indeed they can,” I replied.

  Cat stared like she hadn’t heard a thing I said and then looked away. You could cut the tension between us with a knife. I knew it was eating her up inside that I’d married someone other than her. Hell, I wouldn’t have understood it either if the tables were turned. We’d had one of those relationships where I think we both felt like it was a sure thing at one time or another. There was never an instance where one of us left and came back and the other didn’t accept them with open arms. This had to feel strange to her, seeing me and knowing that I wasn’t available. It felt like she didn’t know how to relate to me just as friends. I suppose I didn’t know how to just be her friend either. She smiled at me awkwardly as if sharing my thoughts and then looked over toward the door like she wanted to leave.

  “You all right?” I asked, thinking immediately that I shouldn’t have.

  She held the fake smile for a few seconds longer and then finally let it fade, but she didn’t speak right away. However, she eventually let her feelings show on her face. There was hurt, confusion, disbelief, frustration and jealousy all over her. She hung her head a little and stared at the table, doing that thing with her fingernails again, the thing where she picks at them to distract herself.

  Cat shook her head. “I’m just uh… I’m having a hard time processing this whole… marriage thing. That’s all.”

  She smiled a misplaced smile that never reached her eyes, still refusing to look at me.

  “We put a lot of time into us, Luke. A lot of time. I guess I just don’t get how you let yourself forget about all of that to marry some girl you couldn’t have even known for a year unless you lied the last time I asked if you were seeing someone. Because I distinctly remember you saying you weren’t, and that was only a few months ago! I just don’t…..” She realized that she was starting to raise her voice and lowered it. “I just don’t understand what happened.”

  “Cat, you left.”

  “You told me to, Luke! You told me to.”

  She was right; I did, but only because I knew she needed that, a fresh start. She would’ve regretted it and resented me every day of her life if she hadn’t. “You were offered the opportunity of a lifetime and after what happened…” My mind went to a memory that I wished like hell I could forget, but knew that I never would. “With everything that happened, I saw it in your eyes; you needed to get out of here.”

  She said nothing.

  “I don’t fault you for going,” I added. “I’m not mad about it, but you did. You got that offer in France and you were on a plane headed a thousand miles away from me less than a week later, Cat.” She looked down when I went on. “And we were engaged! You had my ring on your finger, and still walked away without a second thought. What was I supposed to do with that? Wait for you?”

  “Yes!” She said loudly. “That’s what you were supposed to do because that’s what we always did. You knew I’d be back. Before I left, you said that you didn’t want me to stay here for you and resent you down the line, so I went.”

  “That’s exactly right, Cat. I did tell you to follow your dream and if I had it to do all over again, I’d say the same thing. Like I said, I’m not mad about that, but you made your choice and it wasn’t me.”

  Again, she sat quietly.

  “I don’t know how you thought all this was gonna go; it’s been over a year and there was never even any mention of when you’d be back.”

  The whites of her eyes darkened to red as tears threatened. I prayed to God that she wouldn’t cry.

  “I don’t know how to break down my thought process, Luke. We’d just made it through so much already, I couldn’t help but to think that when you settled down to build a life with someone,” she paused and just stared. “I thought it’d be me. I thought we’d always be… us. No matter what.”

  “Are you angry with me?”

  “A little,” she scoffed, half laughing, half crying as she ran a finger beneath her eye to catch a tear. “You feel like I bailed on you, but I feel like you bailed on me, too. After ten long years you didn’t know how I felt about you? You didn’t know I wanted you?”

  Her eyes blazed a hole through me when she stared, waiting for an answer.

  “Cat, when you left for France, we ended things. Just like we always do. We’ve talked maybe a handful of times over the past year.” I still had her full attention when I added, “Did you seriously think I wouldn’t be seeing someone during that time? Weren’t you?”

  My question clearly frustrated her. “Yes, but… the only reason I always set you free when I had to leave was because I didn’t want you to feel restricted or like I was stringing you along, not because I wanted to be with someone else. You knew that. This time wasn’t supposed to be any different than the times before it. You know we go back to being just like we were, like no time had passed at all. And do you know why that is?” she asked, sending a solemn glare my way. “Because we’re good together, Luke.” She snickered cynically and more tears fell. She didn’t bother to wipe them away as she ran her fingers through her hair and leaned closer to add, “There’s no way we should be sitting here in some crowded restaurant arguing about the past and a future that will never happen now.” She shook her head at me with disappointment in her eyes. “If you’d stuck to the plan, we’d be holed up naked on some hotel room floor right now, doing whatever the hell we wanted to do to each other until either fatigue, starvation, or the police banging on the door forced us to stop,” she said breathlessly. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

  I couldn’t look at her.

  “God! I just don’t understand why you didn’t wait this time.” Frustration had her in its grasp. “Do you love her more than you love me?”

  I looked up but didn’t say anything when the bold question flew from her mouth. She couldn’t have honestly meant to ask that.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” she said right after, holding her hand to her lips as her cheeks flushed red. “I shouldn’t have said that. I may not like what you did, but I won’t disrespect your marriage… I’m better than that. I’m not gonna lie and pretend like I understand any of this, though.”

  She folded her arms and leaned back in the chair.

  “You know what? I’m just gonna go. Coming over here was… it was a mistake. You’re married, I’m a mess, and this is pointless. I can’t sit here and look at you knowing I have to keep my distance,” she scoffed. “I haven’t been just your friend in so long I don’t even think I remember how to be. And I don’t wanna be disrespectful to you or your wife, so…” She stood amidst her rant. “Yeah… I’m just gonna go.” She looked around as if she was lost for a moment and then walked off. About halfway back to her table, she stopped dead in her tracks. Her shoulders rose and fell several times, matching her deep breaths, and then she changed her course completely, now heading straight for the parking lot. Without thinking, I was ou
t of my seat and on her heels by the time her feet made it to the paved sidewalk.

  The feel of my hand on her arm halted her, but not without also sending a fresh wave of frustration over her, clearly visible through her expression when she whipped around to stare at me. There were questions behind her eyes, questions and sadness–sadness that I’d brought on.

  “Cat.” I dropped my hand from her arm, but didn’t back out of her personal space. “So we’re gonna leave things like this?”

  She lifted her hands into the air, letting them fall to her sides again when my statement baffled her. “Well, how exactly would you like to leave it, Luke? Because I’m all out of ideas.”

  I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and Cat let her eyes slip away from mine. “What, we’re enemies then? After everything?” That didn’t feel right to me.

  “Did you think we’d walk away from this as friends?” She looked up at the sky and shook her head. “Us, Luke? Just friends?” Her gaze consumed me when it settled my way again. “I love you with everything in me,” she confessed. “Everything.”

  She didn’t say ‘loved’, she said ‘love’. I thought she misspoke when she didn’t use past tense, but the look on her face said otherwise.

  “How do I put that in the backseat and ignore it?” She asked. “How do I pretend to be happy for you and this… this girl who doesn’t even deserve you? Excuse me for saying it, but that’s just how I feel. The way I see it, I earned my place in your life, Luke. Earned it. I was there through it all with you.” She stood completely still as if she’d had an epiphany. “I don’t get how the ten years I gave you didn’t even make you pause and think when you made this decision. I don’t get how whatever you have with her could trump us,” she concluded.

  Frustrated at the realization that we’d reached a stalemate, I ran a hand down my face. When I did, Cat focused in on my fingers. I followed her gaze and it dawned on me that she was staring at my ring again. She shook her head as resentment swept over her.

  “You know what? We can make this so simple by just agreeing not to talk anymore while I’m in town,” she said quietly. “Tonight wasn’t planned, but still; if we see one another out again, we should…” she paused to take a deep breath and push her fingers through her hair before continuing. “We should just keep it moving.”

  Her declaration left me feeling strangely empty, but I couldn’t have agreed with her more. If being friends was off the table, then there wasn’t anything else left for us to be. Cat stared into my eyes for a while and then turned to walk away without another word. I stood there on the sidewalk and watched her speed out of the parking lot. As the evening breeze sobered me, I let my thoughts linger on her words again. She was so very right; us talking, although our meeting tonight was coincidental like she’d pointed out, was a terrible idea. There were still too many exposed nerves in our past. We’d both be better off just letting go and moving forward. That’s the way it had to be.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Lissette

  The first thing I noticed was that he forgot to call when he was on his way; I was supposed to order us Chinese food for dinner since he was coming in late. The next thing was his disposition. I know there was a meeting with a client, then a debriefing with his boss afterward, but Luke seemed so preoccupied, distracted. Work must’ve been more stressful today than usual. That had to be it. He was wearing it all over his face.

  I eyed him when he walked in, greeting him with a reluctant, “Hey,” from where I stood in the walkway between the living room and dining room.

  Luke met my gaze with a flimsy smile. “Hey. Sorry I had to stay,” he apologized. “After we finished with the client—”

  I came closer, distracting him with a kiss as I relieved his arm of the suit jacket he cradled in the bend of his elbow. I draped it over the back of the armchair and cut him off. “It’s okay. Don’t explain.” If his day was hard, I was pretty sure the last thing he wanted to do was rehash it. If he wanted to vent about it, I was there to listen, but otherwise, there was no explanation needed. “My bags are already packed, so we can head to your place whenever you’re ready.”

  He nodded, making me think I should go grab them so we could leave, but then his body slumped back against the door. He released a breath, and instead of letting me go grab my things, his arms extended and I was taken into both his hands by my waist. He pulled my body right up against his and then warmed the side of my neck with a long, slow kiss that made my eyes flutter closed.

  “I missed you,” he mumbled against my skin. “So much.”

  The confession made me smile. Big. I raked my fingers over his scalp, feeling his short, silky strands pass through them when I did. They came to rest at the nape of his neck when he backed away just enough to make eye contact.

  “I missed you, too,” I replied

  One corner of his mouth hitched upward when he added, “And I’m glad to be home.”

  And I was glad to have him. I really was. All I’d thought about since leaving Aura’s was this moment, having my husband in my arms at the end of the day. This felt perfect and all Luke’s talk of missing me and being glad he was home had me just about ready to melt. His day must’ve been harder than I realized. Clearly, he was glad to have whatever happened behind him. Kissing him once again, just a small one on the cheek, I went to get my things.

  Within an hour, we’d made it over to his place, had eaten dinner, and were settled in his bed. I lie there with my hands clasped over my stomach as I looked around his room. This was our first time staying at his place, which made me feel terribly selfish. The plan was supposed to be for us to alternate weekly, but clearly we hadn’t stuck to that, which was because of me. It was just the idea of having his brother sleeping in the next room that bothered me. Granted, I was no stranger to sharing my space, seeing as how I had four sisters, but it’d been a long time since that had been the case. Not to mention, Luke and I were newlyweds… and we did what all newlyweds do.

  Often.

  Luke stirred beside me, letting me know he had yet to doze. “Are you comfortable?” he asked. “Do you need another pillow or blanket or something?”

  I smiled at his offer. He’d been so sweet, knowing that this was going to be an interesting transition for me. “No. I’m fine. Really.” And I was. He’d gone out of his way to make me feel welcome. A space had been cleared in his closet for me, three drawers were now mine, and a vase of fresh flowers sat on the dresser for my benefit, I assumed, adding a hint of femininity to Luke’s otherwise masculine bedroom.

  “You’re amazing. You know that?” I asked, turning over onto my side to stare at my husband’s face.

  He smiled. “You’re pretty amazing yourself.”

  I moved my feet beneath his heavy, gray comforter until I found his leg, running my toes over the sparse hairs that covered his calf. He was so warm, encouraging me to move my whole body closer. The next second, I was wrapped up in his arms.

  It seemed like the stress from earlier had left him altogether. I liked to think that had something to do with me. Luke pressed a kiss to the top of my head and then looped a finger around my ponytail holder, removing it, gently setting my curls free to run his fingers through them.

  My eyes fluttered closed at the feel of his fingertips lightly grazing my scalp in rhythm. I rested my forehead against the front of his neck and inhaled. He always smelled so good. That was one of my favorite things about sharing a bed with him.

  “Somebody’s got a birthday coming up,” I said on the tail end of a yawn when the thought popped into my head.

  Luke groaned a raspy, “Mm hm.”

  “What do you wanna do?” I asked. “We should have the money to really celebrate by then.”

  He shrugged and breathed into my hair. “Honestly? Nothing. A quiet evening in with you sounds perfect.”

  I lifted my head to shoot a look in his direction. “Yeah, right,” I said with a laugh. “It’ll be my treat.”

 
; He shook his head and continued to play with my hair. “Dead serious. All I want is you. Besides, your money is already going on your bills and that’s important.”

  I sighed when he reminded me, but his thoughtfulness didn’t go unnoticed. He’d sat down with me a week ago, when Matt gave us the date the advance for the documentary would arrive, and made out a budget that I could stick to in order to pay my medical bills off. That was his plan, too, to pay bills.

  “Well, I’m at least gonna get you something,” I said defiantly. When I lifted my head again, Luke was smiling.

  “I’d rather you didn’t.”

  He was so stubborn, but somehow in a cute way. “Okay, fine. How about this. What if I… make you something? Is that acceptable?”

  He thought about it and then nodded. “Deal.”

  I laughed at him silently gloating about getting his way. Eventually, I settled my head against his neck and I closed the last inch of space between his body and mine. I breathed him in again, and like clockwork, doing so aroused me. I knew that would happen, though. There was just something about him, something that doused the atmosphere with lust and yearning when I was in his presence. I snuggled in closer and my nipples tightened as they grazed the inside of my cotton nightgown. The roughness of the material made me think of how soft Luke’s tongue would feel against them in contrast. I imagined it, the warm wetness of his mouth on my breasts, sucking them, teasing them.

  Ever since the first time I’d given in to my need for him, he’d turned me into an addict. We weren’t intimate every night, but it was often, sometimes two, three times in a day. On top of us being newlyweds, we were new to this relationship, period. That made every encounter extremely fascinating as we learned more about one another—our turn-ons, erogenous zones, and our limits. Every time, I picked up something new that I didn’t realize about him the time before. In a way, it was kind of a game, one that I think we both enjoyed playing.

  Still in his arms, I fought the urges that had suddenly awakened inside me, reminding myself that there was only a thin layer of drywall between Luke’s bedroom and Matt’s. If we gave in, if we did this, he’d hear us. I was sure of it. Even knowing this, I couldn’t help myself. In disbelief of how weak I was when it came to him, at how needy I was, I pushed a hand between Luke’s firm thighs and gripped him, causing him to press toward me at the feel of my fingers in pursuit. He grew hard with one touch and I bit my lip as his flesh became more solid, growing to a full erection as I stroked him. He breathed deep while I groped him. I seriously couldn’t get enough of this man, and I was pretty sure he noticed.